Can't Move Forward
I came here for a lot of reasons, a major one being I cannot let go of what has been done in the past. I am a FT SM. DH has made some bad decisions while trying to establish boundaries with BM that were really unfair to me. He's also made some mistakes when it came to addressing my SSs behavior but he really makes an effort not to do those things anymore. My husband provides a good life for me, a life I can't fully enjoy because I'm either angry or sad all the time. I know DH wants me to acknowledge my SS's improvements in behavior but I feel scarred and numb. I guess I wanted to know if anyone else here struggles with not being able to forgive. If you don't have trouble getting over the issues you've gone through in your step situation once they have been resolved, but can relate, what helped you to move forward?
I know exactly how you feel.
I know exactly how you feel. In fact, I wrote a similar post to yours 2 months ago.
What finally helped me was marriage counseling, the book Stepmonster, this website and my DH making efforts to seriously improve our marriage.
My DH also had no boundaries for the exW and the kids. He has put those in place now and my feelings are starting to come back for him. There was a long while there where I wondered if I could ever be in love with him again. I hope with time I be can be head over heels for him again.
Read this forum. Read the book and get marriage counseling right away.
We are here for you!
It sounds like I wrote this.
It sounds like I wrote this. I have such a hard time forgiving my DH for the things he did that sometimes - even though he's not doing those things anymore - I get mad at him just from my memories.
Same thing: BM was invasive and tried to tell us how to live, so he tried forcing me to move somewhere in a more acceptable neighborhood. He tried to get me to cook different food. His daughters complained that they didn't want me in my home when they came to visit so he tried encouraging me to go visit friends and family when they came over - in my OWN home!
Then, he provided details about my life to BM who demanded to know "everything" about me. AND... he told her! F^*@ that!
When I think about it, I get so worked up, that I can't see the progress he's made to put BM in her place. I don't know how to move past it, girlfriend. I am having a hard time too.
I feel betrayed and constantly question his loyalties.
Yea my DH kept bringing his
Yea my DH kept bringing his daughter over & she physically attacks me every visit. Tired to kill my mom & I, I'm still not able to find it in my heart to forgive her for that. I got into good with my husband because I am done putting up with her bull s*** just so he can full fill his obligation as a parent. He was on my back for my attitude before, during, & after these visits. My anxiety level sky rocketed just thinking about my abusive SD.
DH decided that maybe he was being selfish & was overlooking my perspective. Now your feelings are normal but if you can find a way to get your husband to see where you are coming from, that may really help you out. Your approach needs to be on your terms when it comes to you & your Skids. You can't be expected to forgive another to please their parent without mixed emotions & resentment setting in. Separate yourself by disengaging from him would be a healthy start for you.
I know exactly what you mean.
I know exactly what you mean. My DH was the same. He has made so much progress, its great hence why I am still here but the fact he let it get to the point where I packed my bags to leave was not right. Al the times we had arguments pver the same things and he was too dumb to see , agravates me so much still.
But its a matter of trying to see the bright side and I presume over time it will pass. Men are dumb and women (BM) are very coniving, the fact that our own DH speak to them about us akes me so mad, but BM's can think what they want coz we're the ones here with the man they want.
I could have written your
I could have written your post as well.
Yes, SO is doing better. Yes, SD isn't as bad. No, BM is not calling the house phone 15+ times per day anymore.
BUT
I need to hear acknowledgement from him that the problems are there. I could handle the bullshit so much better if I knew that he saw the same things I am seeing and we were a team. And I also can't just get over the things that happened. BM literally put her hands around my throat and tried to kill me. SD has said and done some nasty things, and still continues to disrespect our home. SO lamely points out good things she does (yay, she swept gravel off the driveway!!)like they are supposed to make up for ruining things in the house, lying, throwing fits, and generally being gross. He makes me a little sick when he does this. At least he doesn't expect me to forgive BM, but I know that he's talking to her behind my back so that I don't get "upset" by seeing him talk to her.
I just don't see how I can ever like SD. If I knew her outside of our relationship, I wouldn't like her. I wish he would acknowledge the things that are "wrong" with her, instead of me having to feel like the bad guy.
I do wonder if not being able to move on is MY problem, as in a problem with ME. I feel like given what has happened in the last few years, it's only natural. But I might just be justifying to myself. I don't know...
She did go to jail for this.
She did go to jail for this. I guess summing it up in that one sentence makes it sound worse than it was. She came at me swinging and got her hands around my neck before her boyfriend pulled her off of me. DH was on the other side of the counter and didn't get there as fast as BM's boyfriend did. She is all kinds of crazy- in and out of jail for drugs and domestic abuse against her boyfriend
DH hates her and is openly hostile on the phone in front of me. He does not defend her. But I'm reasonably certain still that he is civil with her on the phone when I'm not around. He thinks he is doing best by "not rocking the boat" with her. Like not poking the the sleeping monster. I alternate between agreeing and calling him a pussy. Not proud that I called him that, but you know...heat of the moment. SD is 8 so they still need to be in contact to coordinate activities and schedules and stuff. I would like to have had SO insist on email or text only, but she doesn't have a computer or a cell phone.
Oddly, I don't care that much about BM. She is so crazy that she's not even in the category of other human beings. I worry about her the same way I would a tornado or the plague or something. I just take precautions like locking the door and not going past her house (she literally lives around the corner from us). It took a couple years, but she has seriously tapered off in the last year.
SD is the thorn in my side. And SO's pitiful attempts to point out her good qualities just highlight the bad ones to me. I've referred to it as putting lipstick on a pig. It does nothing to help me get over how she has acted, and still acts to a lesser extent.
duplicate
duplicate
I am where you are. The BM
I am where you are. The BM has done so much that it's impossible now. I am the type of person that will start fresh if someone genuinely apologizes. BM is such a narcissistic sociopath that that will never happen. If it did it would be lies. She attacked me too, when I was pregnant. It's better IMO to be like this than be someone that gets walked on. I wouldn't give BM or her puppet/husband who is as nasty as she is, another chance. 8 years is enough time to realize what connections matter to the kids. These people are assholes and deserve nothing than to be completely ignored. If that doesn't work, treat them like the pieces of shit they are.
As for my DH, forgiveness isn't something I give often. And, unfortunately he played a part in this. It's sad for them really.
Sorry this situation hurt you.
We didn't know what we were getting into.
Hugs & feel free to PM me.
My goodness reading this is
My goodness reading this is like my life
This site has been a godsend and I have a referral to go to counselling myself as I have so much hatred and anger to SS15yo that at time is consumes me.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your kind responses. It feels fantastic to finally be understood. That was a perfect illustration about the glass with the drops of blood in it. Once you have been betrayed its so difficult to get back what once was. No I don't have children of my own.
I feel the exact same way!
I feel the exact same way! FDH has betrayed me to BM in the past and b/c of this my stomache turns every time BM has contact with him! Yes I forgive him but I can't just forget it! SO just doesn't understand my side and if I EVER say anything it starts a fight b/c I am bringing up the past. HE has changed and tried but it's still just hard sometimes! I think I am going to look intothe Stepmonster book!