Advice needed for abusive situation
Would like some advice if anyone has anything positive to say.
I'm a 33 year old mother of 4, plus I have two step kids ages 10 and 12. We live in good ole Canada.
My husband and I have been suspicious of abuse for years to say the least, we've made reports as have others, the only reason why we know about other calls is because we got questioned by his ex when they happened. All CAS ever did was go see the mom, tell her to clean up her pig sty house and close the file. DH and his ex have a verbal agreement.
My husbands ex as well as her bf are abusive to the kids, mainly to my step daughter (10). All calls made have always been closed by CAS. That changed last week. Last week this pos bf mom has got fed up because sd did not want to go to bed, he gave her a black eye, cut her face with his nails and held her head into a pillow. My sd bravely told school officials of the incident a couple days after it happened because mom kept her home to hide the bruising. CAS was brought in, bf was removed and arrested and formerly charged. CAS is however fine with the kids remaining with mom even though mom has made it clear she has no intentions of leaving this guy and will protect him. They said it's because the skids showed no concerns about staying with her. I said no they are scared! Afraid they'd be in trouble if they said anything bad about their mom.
How can she be like that? Condone abusive behaviour, try to hide what he did to that little girl and stay with him?
Anyways DH has decided he wants custody of his kids, he's sick of seeing what's been happening but with no proof he felt it was hopeless, now we have proof. He's told her twice now he wants custody and he's been met with stoney silence both times. I fully support his decision to have them full time even if that means more stress. At the end of the day I'd know those kids are safe.
Also we found out that both his ex and her bf have chosen a rather controversial religion to practice, my husband was pissed and told the bf his children would not be practicing and that he did not agree, the bf assured him they wouldn't be subjected to it, he lied, they've been forcing the children to practice and the mom told DH that she would baptize them however she saw fit. The kids don't want to be baptized said religion either and have said this. I'm purposely not saying what religion it is because I don't want to potentially offend anyone that may practice it although I'm sure most of you will guess it correctly. Can DH do anything to stop it? He was told to take her to court and attempt to stop it, I found conflicting things online about them needing both mom and dads approval and others said they don't for a baptism to take place.
After he dropped kids off on the weekend, they again had the same argument about the religion and he voiced concern over their care while in her home. Today DH got a call from a detective saying his ex called the police saying he went there and caused a domestic disturbance, as if! After listening to DH side of the story he too urged and told DH to go to the courts and file. The lawyer he spoke with today told him the earliest he could get in for a hearing is February.
I wish he hadn't even taken them back, I'm so scared for those kids. Mom is abusive verbally, mentally, emotionally and physically, the bf too and he's not suppose to be around the kids but he still is. CAS say they need proof tho in order to take further action. The ex even lied to sd and told her that the bf was allowed around as long as it was supervised. CAS confirmed to me that is a lie.
They've tried to brain wash or whatever these children, they made them believe that daddy didn't love them anymore, they started cancelling his weekends after sd asked to live with us almost 2 years ago, they spooked her told her untrue things to make her not want to live with us, then they'd lie and say they made plans on his weekends so he wouldn't come, sd told us they never had plans were just told daddy wasn't coming for them! I'm so sick to my stomach over this. They are only worried about losing the money they get for those kids. It's sickening. Amazingly the skids only concern about living with us is that they don't want their mother to be lonely. I doubt she would be lonely seeing as she has zero intentions of leaving her sob bf.
Does anyone have any good advice for us? Anything we can do? It's terrible we feel like we are stuck on the outside watching all this unfold and can't do anything. Oh, also his ex's oldest daughter who is now in her 20's and his ex's parents are even on his side and think the skids should live with us.
I apologize for the length of this. Thank you for making it to the end if you did.
If POS bf ever gets near SD,
If POS bf ever gets near SD, file a report. Do you guys have emergency hearings? If so, file that right after the police report.
I swear I do not know why some women chose to have a kid and then intentionally jeopardize the kid's safety and allow abuse.
I'm also evil. If I felt like my SD was in danger, I would hire a PI, and find a way to record what is happening in that home.
Thank you for taking the time
Thank you for taking the time to answer. I agree I don't understand why she isn't putting sd first and protecting her but then again it's apparent in her head she doesn't think her bf did anything wrong. DH was encouraged to talk to his ex by CAS after he was informed of what happened, when he got there she wasn't, the bf however showed and some time after that she did, they gave DH a loaded full of bs excuse about what happened, trying to smooth it over and make it sound less worse than it actually is. They even came across like it was all sd 's fault, like he wouldn't have snapped had she just gone to bed. Lied about her injuries and he even gave the excuse that he was "drying out". Come to find out he's also an alcoholic! Drying out because he ran out of cash to get more booze with. Ugh!
I told my sd who is very vocal about what happened to anyone who would listen that no matter what she did nothing to deserve what he did to her and she was very brave for speaking up about it. She told me and I quote "he tried to tell me he's sorry for messing up my face but sorry doesn't cut it". This child is extremely bright and intelligent, and it just breaks my heart he did this to her. I was afraid this incident may have changed her, like made her quite, shy away, broke her spirit, you get it..... But it hasn't, she's very aware what he did was wrong but she understands not all people are bad like that.
Other big incidents which were reported but nothing done involved her mother hitting her with a glass ashtray and leaving a nasty bruise, and again the bf was angry and swung the door open with the knob hitting her square in the eye which also gave her a black eye, he said she was sleeping behind the door on the floor and he didn't know. I said door knobs aren't at the bottom of doors and still to this day she is adamant he was all mad and swung the door right into her face. Lots of name calling from both, smacks and one time they even drugged her with gravol because they wanted her to go to bed early, they gave her too much and couldn't wake her! CAS did nothing that time either!
Can you file a protection
Can you file a protection order for SD against BM's BF?
From what I understood the
From what I understood the emergency hearing is the one they said the soonest was feb.
No worries, the religion part is only one concern, our main concern is the abuse they put up with and wanting them safe. The religious thing is just one issue that we were told she can be taken to court over, from then the judge will decide if switching to said religion is beneficial to the children.
Let me clarify, I only have one sd, she's 10, my ss is 12.
As far as I know as soon as the bf was charged by the police a restraining order was put in place, sd told me that he's not allowed to see them, talk to them and if he sees them on the street he is suppose to walk the other way.
When DH picked the kids up on Friday he told the ex he would have them back Sunday between 4 and 6 and she did not obliged, she was fine with it. When he got there at 5 she wasn't there, his mom was with him and for some reason she text the bf, he responded by saying he needed to get her a ride, then proceeded the attempt control at the situation by bitching out DH saying the time frame he chose was irresponsible and that it should be one exact time. Never mind the fact this is how DH has done this for years without issue. DH pretty much responded by saying that as far as he's concerned bf no longer has any type of say and it was between him and his ex. This of course made bf mad and fired off an even ruder message back to DH, DH decided to stop responding and just ignored him. Anyways within 10 mins his ex was back at the house with someone in tow from said religion, lied to DH and said she hadn't even been with her bf, I'm thinking she might not have been aware of what he said through text. I told DH once before never to contact that pos bf for anything again, then again after this happened. Of course he said I didn't text him my mom did and I didn't know till after, whatever, told him to tell her not to message him anymore either. The detective recommended DH take someone of no relation to him when picking and dropping off, said it cannot be me or his mother.
anyone suspecting abuse needs
anyone suspecting abuse needs to report it. let the blame fall on who deserves it. children need to be protected. its not just our children and skids. all children in society need someone who will protect them.
in many cases the mother/bm will protect the father or bf by looking the other way. its deplorable that a mother would do this to her own child.
Small update..... CAS told us
Small update.....
CAS told us earlier this week they needed further evidence/proof that the kids are in harms way, they told us if we could get the skids on video/recording that they have been around pos bf when he has a police order against doing so they could use it. I felt confident during their visit this weekend that sd would sing like a bird, she is usually very open to me. I was right, I knew bm still had him around, sd told me several times that she and her brother have been with him several times over the last two weeks when her mother takes them to bible studies.
I believe the skids were instructed to lie about seeing pos bf because SS lied twice about it until DH said well your sister told us you have, that's when he said oh okay, yeah we have.
She also told me that she's not suppose to see her grandparents, when I asked why she said "because my mom doesn't speak to them anymore". Reason is because 1 year ago bm's parents told her they did not like pos bf, she got mad, disowned them and purposely took the kids out of their lives as well.
SD also told me her mom and bf have a lawyer and that her mom is defending pos bf and is 100% on his side.
Both children told us they do not want to be baptized into moms new found religion but are afraid to tell mom because "they don't want to anger her".
Both skids are so excited to be with us for the holidays. SD told me mom isn't doing anything for them for xmas.
SD also told me she's given living with us a lot of thought and she's decided ultimately she wants to but again is afraid to anger her mother.
It makes me sick to know DH has to return them tomorrow and I fear CAS will just shrug this off after we went through the trouble to get the proof they've asked for. I just can't understand how bm is okay doing this to her own kids.