Advice badly needed
Hi all - I am new here, and I need a place to speak openly and receive honest advice. In my second marriage, married 8 mos. I have my own two boys ages 9 and 10. My husband has standard visitation with his sons - one, night a week & every other weekend. The older son won't speak to him at all - 17, insecure, and still mad about the divorce and subsequent remarriage. I did not meet their dad until 6 mos. after the divorce was final, just as an fyi. The younger son is 14, and very immature - drives me bananas. Hangs all over his dad, takes my seat next to his dad if I get up, etc. Okay, I can deal with that. However, he manipulates his father, is dishonest, and failed two classes on latest report card. Consequence? None. I know I can't control what goes on at his mother's house, but I'm ticked that there is no consequence at ours. My own two boys did well on their report cards, so we planned fun events as a reward - and his son joined us. There is no consistent message sent to all 3 boys, and my sons are angry. My husband is so afraid of alienating the younger son that he does nothing except be the "good guy" - Mr. Understanding. I'm getting frustrated, angry, and resentful, and I hate feeling this way. It is to the point that I am uptight when his son is around. Is this normal? What do I do to get past feeling like this? Thanks for letting me vent....
I completely understand
We are in a similar situation. SD15 is failing math. In fact, she purposefully did not give husband her report card with the first failing grade, so he did not find out until she was even deeper in the hole. He and BM could not agree on consequences, so nothing happened. I was so frustrated!
With regard to his son being included in the reward, I think you should have put your foot down. (Alternatively, I would have scheduled the event for when you knew SS was not going to be there. I have learned this after having been married to my husband for 8 years and he will never leave SD out even if she has been horrible.) If it was clear the event was a reward for the children who did well on their report cards, SS should not have been included. He is old enough to be left home alone to ponder what he is missing out on and why.
Unfortunately, the only way you will get past feeling like this is to stop caring how SS turns out. It took me about five hard years to figure that out with SD. I treated her just the way I would (and do) treat my BDs, and everyone (she, my husband, and BM) resented me. So I quit. Now I could care less how SD turns out. I know that sounds harsh, but if you are punished for caring they can hardly also punish you for not caring.
I think my husband has finally figured out the reasons behind my attitude and although he may not agree with it, he's hardly in a position to complain about it.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your comments and insights...I am so down right now. My kids are off to their father's, and my SS is coming over - ugh. I just can't stand having to go out to dinner with him and make small talk....he kisses up to me all the time in front of his father, and it is all so fake. If I suggest to my husband that he just go with his son and have some "bonding" time, he is hurt, and wants me there. He is so good to my own sons, and I feel obligated. I absolutely HATE feeling this way, and feel as though I am completely disloyal to my husband even writing all of this. SS is only 14 - so why does it get to me so much???? He makes me nuts, and it is as though his father can't even see it. I am so open about my kids, warts and all - and my husband is so blind sometimes. I just got a promotion at work - and my husband says, "X and I would like to take you out to dinner." Um, how about just you and I go out and celebrate? It is not so bad when my own kids are there, as the three boys can go off together, and he and I have our time - but when my kids aren't, his son is the center of attention the whole time.
Man, I am a witch sometimes.
Welcome to our world!
Yes, I think most of the step moms on this forum can relate. Keep reading all of the posts here-you will see just how "normal" this is. Stand up for what you believe is right-that's my advice. All of the children need to be treated the same & have the same rules. You have to get your husband somehow to realize this. The two of you NEED to have a united front on handling these issues, or your marriage will fail & this would NOT be good for his children to experience, yet again, another divorce!
Well, we went out to dinner
Well, we went out to dinner to "celebrate my promotion." Other than a "congratulations on your job," the entire dinner was about his son - and I do mean the ENTIRE dinner. It was a running monologue about him, with his dad just beaming away. Then he wanted ice cream - and so we went. When my husband asked me at bedtime what was wrong, I finally said, "At what point was tonight about me? It seems like it was all about X." He became very angry, and sure enough, things went downhill from there. I am so depressed right now. They are on school vacation this coming week - we already had ours - so he is taking SS away for a week. Unfortunately, this also coincides with my court date with my ex for nonpayment. SO, I have to do that alone. I know my husband feels badly about this, as the plans were made well before we got the court date and I know the timing is just bad, but I can't help but feel resentful nonetheless. And, to boot, my birthday is while they are away. That was part of the reason last night bothered me so much - it was like he was completely unaware of the fact that I just needed time alone with him. Do I ever get to come first, or am I being selfish and unrealistic?
Not selfish or unrealistic.
Whether you have kids, skids or a combination of both, every husband and wife should make the time to be alone to reconnect. I think a lot of marriages get into trouble because we focus so much on the kids that we have nothing left for our spouses. It's happened in my house more than once. There's nothing wrong with asking your DH for some alone time. A lot of times we put so much emphasis on the FAMILY that we neglect the MARRIAGE. The marriage is the cornerstone of the family. There's nothing wrong with wanting to set aside time to focus solely on that. If nothing else, it sets a good example for kids/skids about how to conduct a healthy, successful marriage.
You said, "...he was completely unaware of the fact that I just needed time alone with him."
Someone told me once, "You have to tell him point blank and in no uncertain terms what you want and what you need before you're allowed to get mad at him for not giving it to you." It was good advice. My husband is probably the most oblivious man on the planet. I'm always getting mad at him for not reading me or, at least, for not reading me correctly. I finally learned, after six years of marriage, that before I can expect him to give me what I want, I pretty much have to spell it out for him like I would for a Kindergartner. If you don't ask, you're probably not going to receive. Women are much better mind-readers than men (sorry, guys!) and, although it would be nice if they would take the initiative on their own sometimes, we sometimes have to accept that they may just not get it without us making it obvious. In the first six years of my marriage, my husband never once gave me flowers. Why? Because while we were dating I told him I didn't like ROSES. I finally, right before our sixth anniversary four months ago, explained to him that not liking roses doesn't mean I never want him to give me flowers. Since then, I've gotten flowers from him four times. Yep, once a month. I thought he should know that it would be nice to bring me flowers, but apparently, he didn't. Now he knows and now I get flowers! Yes, sometimes they really are that dense.
Tell him you need time alone with him without even mentioning the names of any of the kids. Make sure you let him know it's about you getting closer to him, rather than you trying to get him to spend time with you instead of with SS. Ask him out on a date. Send him a sexy note to ask him when you can get him alone. Just be obvious! You'll have better luck if you spell it out for him.
♥ Georgia, the un-stepmom ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
I'm with Elizabeth...
Stop caring how he turns out. Period. Wish I would have gotten that advice MUCH earlier in my deal.
Totally Normal...
Welcome to step land!!
I had all those horrible resentful feeling too. My kids had one set of rules and his had NONE...NATA!!
It drove me crazy, until...exactly as step lightly said...who cares how his kids turn out, obviously not him. I learned quickly that if they want to spoil and indulge their kids, they are also responsible for how they turn out later.
My kids, the ones with morals and rules, are sweet, well behaved, well mannered little men, his kid is a brat and he has to deal with him and guess what...everyone notices, so does he now. Rules are now in place from his dad, and you can see the difference already
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
Don't be so hard on yourself
The feelings you are having are completely normal. And don't feel like you are being disloyal to your DH for coming here, either. This is a place to get it all out and feel safe in doing so- and sometimes it like a 'sounding board' for practicing just how you might say things to your DH, which can only help things for him in the end!
Trust us all- this site is one of the best things that has happened to us! The support we receive from each other is incredible. And at a stressful time like this, you're going to need all the understanding you can get. And believe me- WE get it!!
Hang in there and vent away. As to the problems you posted above, the women gave you great advice (as usual).
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
kds
You need to get it set up so all of the kds are gone to their other families at the same time. Make sure that one weekend per month is spent with just the 2 of you working on the marriage. The good thing is that they arent' little children and hopefully, they will grow up fast and be out of there.