Yes agreed!

haha Stepped in what - this is EXACTLY what I had been thinking I should do too! But then, I honestly just think DH needs to sit her down and ask her how she would feel if we did exactly that to her. How SSIL would feel....and if that doesn't stop it, then ya we should refrain from attending anything she invites us to any longer

I feel like BM, DH's sister, OSD and YSD are all in on this together. Sooooo frustrating!

hereiam yes, it crosses so many lines. It is totally inappropriate. It can't possibly be hard for OSD, or DH's sister, or BM for that matter to understand why that would not be comfortable for DH, or for myself....which I believe is of course the very reason they do this!

Especially since DH has made it clear, more than once, that he's not comfortable with it. To persist in doing that after it has been made known to OSD it out of line for sure

I disagree with you HeavenLike

OSD is not hosting an event for her family. She is hosting a birthday dinner for her grandfather on her father's side of the family only. Her parents are divorced and that means that BM no longer is part of DH's family (from FIL's point of view as well as DH & I) FIL doesn't want her there either. But FIL is old and just does what his nasty daughter and granddaughter tell him to do. She is no longer married in to DH's family, and no longer a part of it the way she was/I now am.

In all the years since OSD's parents have split, every birthday dinner hosted for FIL (and DH, and me, and her, and YSD, and DH's sister, now Sgkids) were always hosted at FIL's by MIL (she has since passed and why we now all rotate) but never ever was BM invited. For obvious reasons. DH & BM are divorced. It was an ugly divorce. Things have improved over the years but DH is still not comfortable being around BM. He has made that clear ot OSD. This is why BM was never invited to any family events at DH's family. Pretty easy I think to understand this

It's common sense HeavenLife. I think most people can easily see why it is not appropriate for a man's ex-wife to be invited to his side of the family's dinners along with him and his current wife.

Of course OSD can do whatever she chooses, you are correct in that. Just like I can invite her ex to family dinners at our place. We just love the guy to death. He is still important to us. So why not? I'm being sarcastic (although we truly do like him and feel very sorry for him actually) it would be the same thing. Whether BM is her mother or not it's the same thing. BM is DH's ex and he doesn't want his ex at his family events. His family should be able to respect that

My parents divorced and yes I would have loved to have my parents and step-parent at all my hosted events too. But, I knew that wasn't appropriate. So, I was mature enough to never ever do that, not once. Although I had a sister who was a little like OSD, she would invite our Dad to family events on my Mom's side of the family. All my uncles and aunts, cousins, etc...on my Mom's side. Then my Dad would show up because my sister said he was invited. You could cut the tension in the air like a knife. She was being a shit-disturber of course. Just like OSD is. She is clearly enjoying stirring the pot. She knows how DH and FIL and I feel about it, and she continues to do it.

You are also correct that DH's sister has encouraged this. Big time. But OSD is a big grown up girl and makes decisions all on her own. There is no precedent. DH has said no, not comfortable with this. Yet, OSD still does it. She is deliberating crossing a boundary she's fully aware is there

So yes I agree with you that the next step is for DH to decline all invites. Which he will. He is more against having BM at his family events than I am actually. If DH had insisted with this one, I probably would have been okay with it. Not thrilled, but then, I just think BM is a sucker for punishment and when DH totally ignores her the entire time, pays tons of attention to me, and insists we leave the moment the event is over...if I were her I would get the message and stop coming. But she doesn't. She still has feelings for DH which is sad. I feel bad for her. But, I can't believe she would come to all these events when she must know without any doubt DH doesn't want her there. He wants nothing to do with her. To me, if someone felt that way about me especially my ex, I'd so not continue to impose myself on his family events. Begs 'get a life BM' not to mention OSD and DH's sister. Seriously, time to grow up, get past it, and move on already!

hereiam - VERY well said! Yes you clearly summed up everything beautifully. OSD is totally out of line, 100% to blame, and has made it a miserable event for FIL who will want his own son and favorite child there more than anyone in that room, OSD included

HeavenLike, regardless of what *I* posted, that doesn't make what you're saying right! :?

Read what hereiam said - now that makes sense!

This event is about FIL, not OSD and definitely not BM.

This event involves ONLY members of FIL's family, or it should. That does not include BM. She is no longer a part of FIL's family. FIL does not want her at his birthday dinner. What FIL wants, is to have his own son who he cherishes at his birthday dinner - not his ex-daughter-in-law that he could care less about in his son's place.

So, he will have his birthday dinner with OSD, dh's sister, and BM. His current daughter-in-law and his adored son will not be there. Bad hosting on OSD's part. She made this about HER rather than about FIL. That is just wrong. On so many levels

Exjuliemccoy, yes, yes to everything you said LOL.

DH's sister is very jealous and insecure as is OSD. Funny how they never had much to do with each other until they bonded with trying to ruin my relationship with DH and generally make my life miserable.

When DH was married to BM, DH's sister couldn't stand BM and treated her badly too. Once she and DH divorced, then the target was DH's girlfriend. That relationship ended and I came on the scene. Now I'm the target.

I honestly feel sorry for them

But I feel most badly for DH who will miss his own father's birthday dinner, miss out in seeing his cherished grand-kids, all because his sister and daughter are major shit-disturbing manipulators that can't seem to control themselves.

And of course, FIL misses out too

Oh so now you know my FIL better than I do HeavenLife?

Seriously

Stating your 'opinion' is one thing, making up crap about people you know zero about is quite another.

No, my FIL is not okay with it. No, my FIL doesn't like BM. No, OSD is not following her aunt's example. No, OSD is not young. None of that is true, not even because you posted it, not even when you say "FIL must be okay with it" Newsflash: you don't even know him, nor do you know anyone else in DH's family, but you insist that FIL must be okay with it? And OSD must be following the norm. Really? I guess you must be right that all of OSD's behaviour is perfectly okay too. BM's and DH's sister's too. I bet you know way more about DH than I do too, right?

Wow - that's really something else. You are entertaining, I will give you that! Thank you for the laugh!

Yes sandye21, DH mentioned to me this evening that from now on, any time OSD invites us to an event he will ask her if BM is going. If the answer is yes, he will decline. If the answer is no and when we show up she is there, we will turn around and leave

The hilarious thing is, I would not be surprised at this point if even when I host BM is brought along!

It's a shame it's come to this, but it's OSD's own doing (along with dh's sister and BM)

I agree with the poster who said this is a power struggle. The best way to take away the power is to not participate. Let OSD host this dinner and enjoy herself with FIL and BM and DH's sister. FIL won't be happy.

We are picking FIL up later next week and bringing him to our home. I'll cook. He'll stay over. He'll have a great time, and so will we without all the BM/OSD/DH's sister nonsense.

We will do this every single time.

If it means we never attend a family event of DH's family again, that totally works. We will find a way to see the people that matter - FIL, and sgkids - separately

Neither one of us will miss being around OSD or DH's sister, and definitely not BM!

OSD wants to win. She deliberately invites BM to these events knowing full well she's crossing the line. And she's loving that. She thinks we will just bow down and go, and that I'll be there feeling uncomfortable sitting down to dinner with my husband and his ex-wife. She wants to prove she is in control. But most of all along with her BM, she wants DH there too.

Well, she can't have her way. DH won't do it. She won't see him, and that will deflate her giant power-seeking balloon of an ego. She won't be able to manipulate, because her pawns won't be available to her. Such a stupid girl!

notasm3, I so wish DH would do that!

I sort of said the same thing to him this evening. He was venting about OSD and how he just is going to keep declining.

I mentioned to him that she will just keep doing this, because he has not once said directly to her that she needs to stop. Secondly, after she pulls crap like this he is just oh so fine and nice with her after. So, of course she feels she can do it, he has never set her straight - not directly that is

She knows he is not okay with it. For sure. He has sent the messages loud and clear. But I think he needs to say it directly to her face. And that's what he's afraid of. He doesn't want to ever stand up and do what's right, be a parent, not to mention a supportive husband - all for fear she'll pull the old 'I'm walking out of your life card'

It's a big risk for DH. He wants to see his grandkids. I honestly think he should take the risk. Do the right thing. If OSD decides to walk out his life (again) and take sgkids, well that is on her. She will be responsible. And now YSD is pregnant too, so, at least there's that...

Yes DH pretty much plans all of that twoviewpoints....just not sure if DH will ever tell FIL directly either though he just doesn't want any conflict when it comes to his family

wineisthecure, yes DH's sister certainly encouraged OSD to despise me, right from from the beginning. But I also know that OSD has always been very strong-willed, mostly just scoffed at her Aunt, so really without or without encouragment she was already on that path

DH's sister and his daughter are very much the same when it comes to being very very immature, jealous, insecure and competitive. They honestly feel that if they can bring others down, belittle, humiliate, point out the bad, that they somehow look better....they haven't seemed to realize that by not behaving like this, and working to be socially acceptable instead, that this is what will improve themselves - and probably their own relationships with DH

If they put all that energy that they spend on hatred, conniving, scheming, and plotting, into simply working on themselves, and bettering their relationships with others, I can't imagine how improved their lives would be!

No it wasn't left out HeavenLike, you just didn't read it. Apparently you didn't read anything on OSD's behaviour either - r worse you did, and actually agree with it. Not a popular opinion but - to each their own. You are entitled to your opinion, however inaccurate that may be.

But clearly you also don't care about the facts, or anything that was actually posted, you have just make up whatever suits you

Oh well, most other people on this post seem pretty level-headed with lots of common sense.

Good question notsobad, initially BM definitely felt out of place

I remember the first birthday party for OSGS that we were all invited to. DH & I went and BM was there as well. We were cheerful, totally kind to BM. FIL hung around me joking and teasing like he does, me calling him Dad as he loves. Lots of laughing and kidding. And when I wondered off, then BM and FIL had a much more serious and formal exchange. SSIL was also really friendly to me, and DH & I were just having a blast. SSIL refers to me as his MIL, no different than BM. The difference being I've heard she doesn't like him much, but I totally like him and we get along great.

OSD and DH's sister were always with BM at these events of course, but it was like you just described in your situation with BM. It was obvious BM felt uncomfortable.

But the worst when was that first party when the card from DH & I were read to OSGS and it was from "Grandpa DH and Grandma Disillusioned" But then BM's card was read very last...sort of like a big production made, and it was from "Grandma (dh's last name)" and everyone including DH & I were totally confused and said who's Grandma (DH's last name)?

BM didn't come to the next two parties for OSGS after that. But, when she resumed going to these functions there were clearly sneaky plans made between her, OSD,and DH's sister to cause discomfort for DH and most especially me.

An example of this was when BM came to one party for OSGS and she arrived with her mother - who despises DH and it's mutual - and then supposedly had an argument with her mother so whispered to DH's sister could she come home with us. Now - this was all a big plan ahead of time as we never all go in the same car together but DH's sister insisted ahead of time that her and FIL come in the same car there as DH & I. We were confused why but were like whatever, but then when BM 'had' to come back in the car with us because of the supposed argument with her Mom?

So there was all this whispering going on between BM, DH's sister, and then DH while they asked DH 'permission' to come back with us. And when DH asked me and I agreed - still not fully aware at that point of their immature little plot - then all the way to the car DH's sister is going on and on about it being "one big happy family" and insisting she would sit in the middle of BM and I in the back seat, yada yada

DH handled it well. Since he had to drop his sister off first, then FIL, then would still have another half hour out of our way to drop BM, DH said he would take BM as far as FIL's and then FIL could drive her the rest of the way home. I would have said his sister could have done it but whatever. The entire ride home DH only talked with me and FIL anyway.

I'm with you notsobad - I have no idea why BM would participate in this stuff. She imposes herself on DH & I (with the encouragement and plotting of DH's sister and OSD of course) but instead of DH co-operating he says first he needs to ask me, then when I'm the one who decides, he then tells BM he isn't taking her any farther than FIL's, AND he ignores her like she doesn't exist for however far she drove with us.

Me, I would be so humiliated in front of my ex-husband and his wife I couldn't stand it. But, she just keeps coming back for more :? :? :?

jam, yes 100% OSD, BM and DH's sister are all in it together and enjoying forcing BM's presence on us.

I have been so naive for so long. They have done this crap for a while, and both DH & I have not even realized what was going on most of the time. We have been the ones to be friendly and sincerely decent, stupidly thinking at least where BM was concerned there was no ill-intention.

But then, my mind just doesn't work like theirs. I just can't think of a single person in my life, regardless of whether I like them or hate them, that I would ever spend so much time and energy dreaming up plots to cause them grief.

In the end they've lost. They can plot for every get together with DH now on how to include BM, but DH will always check first and not go if BM is there. And if they surprise him with BM being there, we will politely get up and leave. He will do this for every family event, regardless if it is hosted for his sister or daughter. So, they can enjoy not having DH there for any important events in their lives, and I say they get what they cultivated.

Thanks Dancing in the...!

Just J, yes that was the one that got me the most - OSD inviting BM to the birthday dinner for DH - you know the one she TOLD DH & I we were doing???!!!

But, I have sadly begun to realize that this whole ridiculous scenario between BM, OSD and DH's sister has been going on for a while.

They have been playing me, and I've been pretty naive. Maybe stupid. I just haven't gotten it. Guess I don't think that way

There have been countless incidents so far in this year when they have forced the BM issue upon us, and for the most part both DH & I were so oblivious, so nice about everything, so accommodating. Such idiots we were really. We seriously never stopped to think, and then when it finally dawned on us what BS was going on, I now realize it has been going on for a long time....

exjuliemccoy yes, I was thinking the same thing actually. DH shouldn't have left it up to me, especially in front of BM, which it was.....I had no choice at that point, or at least felt I had no choice, to say anything but sure.

However, I didn't mind so much because I feel absolutely no threat from BM. I know she still loves DH, and I know she still would take any opportunity however desperate to have anything from him, but DH is so not interested it isn't funny. DH was actually never interested in BM. He accidentally got her pregnant, and he's paid the price ever since

BM on the other hand felt she hit the jackpot with DH, and he was the love of her life. I truly do feel bad for her. I don't think she is so much a bad person is one who has never gotten past the fact that the person she snagged and wanted for life never loved her, cheated on her, and now thinks of her affectionately as a sister. That is probably the most she has ever had from DH.

The way she behaves now is beyond inappropriate. She must know it. But I think she is so desperate she just doesn't care. Especially when she has the full support and cooperation from OSD, and DH's sister. What's stopping her I guess.