Updating on mom's health
My husband has been divorced for 20+ years. We've been married 19 yrs. He had twin daughters, 39 yrs old. In only the last 8-9 years have they been in regular contact with their dad. In that same timeframe, they have beenore cordial to me. Recently their mother was diagnosed with a treatable cancer. They text and email my husband "updates on mom". When I asked why they feel the need to update him, he responds with "it's their mother,". I asked him to tell them we are sorry to hear of her problems but it's their mom, not his wife. The ex has never been cordial or even gracious toward him or me. He will not address this issue with his children. I sent them a note expressing that we are sorry about her health issue but updates are not warranted. Now it seems they are communicating secretly. I am upset and would appreciate comments.
I guess to them, it's
I guess to them, it's important that they share this info with their dad. For him, he may be concerned about how BM's health affects his kids. Maybe he just wants them to be able to talk about it.
My SD24 talks to my DH about her mother, sometimes. I couldn't care less. My DH doesn't care to hear it but he will listen when his daughter needs to talk.
I would never tell my SD that she could not talk to her dad about something. BM is so far removed from our thoughts, it's like hearing about a total stranger. We don't care (but SD does).
Honestly, I want BM to stay in good health, otherwise SD will transfer her co-dependency to me and DH!
I guess I would ask you why
I guess I would ask you why you feel that he doesn't need the updates of what is going on in his daughters life?
Could you see it from the point of view that they are telling him because he is their Dad and that's something that is happening in their life?
I too am a COD, and my mother is having health issues, my dad has been updated in a manner of
Dad: whats been going on?
Me: not much, just been busy taking mom to her tests, she has some lung nodules that they are watching closely
Dad: oh sorry to hear that
OR
Dad: how was your day
Me: good, I got a movie and were just gonna relax tonight, talked to my sister, we might go shopping tomorrow, mom's CT came back and there is no change in her nodules, what about you? how was your day?
I'm not telling him because it was once his wife, they divorced before I was even 2 years old!
I never knew her as a wife, I tell him because its what i'm going through in my life.
is it the way they are updating? like they expect him to be concerned or help in her care?
The tone is one of
The tone is one of expectation to care and engage with them in a discussion.
I really don't think you
I really don't think you should try to control what other adults talk about. My DH has convos with his adults kids now and then about their batshit crazy Mom, and it's more about how the kids are dealing with it than anything else. While he doesn't care anything about BM, he does care about how his kids are feeling. And as long as he doesn't drag me into any of it and his presence is not required inside the swirl of crazy, it's fine with me.
Are your adult skids otherwise cordial to you? If this is a game of ongoing exclusion, then I'd just disengage. Tell your DH how you feel about it so that if he wants to continue discussing the BM's health with them, at least he will do it out of earshot of you. If DH himself doesn't want updates, then he needs to man up and say so. But cancer is a scary diagnosis, so if it were me I'd give the kids room to talk to their dad about it.
There will be expectation of
There will be expectation of more involvement I'm sure. Not financial or otherwise since we are far away. They have disengaged with me at this point. He's been excluded from everything else in their lives for the most part and now the assumption of his involvement to listen or otherwise seems invasive.
I see where you're coming
I see where you're coming from but for your DH, he is probably just glad to be communicating with them at all.
What kind of involvement do you think they are expecting?
Although you may not like these updates and communications about the BM, you have found what the alternative is, you are kept out of the loop completely, as they are communicating on the sly. I would like that a whole lot less.
If I had not intervened when
If I had not intervened when they went off to college and got the three of them talking, it would have happened much later maybe. More disconcerting is that the more active chats with them happened after we came into some $$. They have never reached out to him for moral support.
Would he be inclined to give
Would he be inclined to give them money? That would irritate me.
He may under the right
He may under the right pretense. The whole thing irritates me. He is not part of their lives. He is in the periphery. And now they include him in the mother thing. Hell the grandkids aren't allowed to call him grandpop. That's reserved for their husband's dads.
Thank you for the responses.
Thank you for the responses.
He's on the outer boundaries
He's on the outer boundaries of their lives at best. The girls have each other and their spouses and the ex's family for moral support. Im unsure that's their motivation.
Isn't the real relationship
Isn't the real relationship between me and my husband since neither of really have a relationship with the kids? To whom should I apologize?
Agree with all of thee above
Agree with all of thee above posters. Those kinds of issues are between DH and HIS children. Sending them a note not to update, thus trying to control the flow of communication was intrusive especially since you say you don't have a real relationship with them. Time to eat the humble pie, apologize to DH and kids. Send another note saying something to the effect of, "Sorry, I've got a lot going on, didn't mean to intrude. Carry on...blah" Leave it at that and move along....nothing more to see.
I had similar problems with
I had similar problems with my DH, except it was his former mother-in-law (late wife's mother) who was terminally ill. He never had a good relationship with her and she lived on the opposite coast. He was no longer married to her daughter and there was no reason he needed to get involved, but his kids drug him into it. His late wife was an only child, but there were extended family members that should have been able to deal with his former mother-in-law and then deal with her funeral arrangements and estate, but my DH felt he had to step in and help his adult kids with it. Let me add that one of his sons was close to graduating law school at the time and certainly was capable of helping with his grandmother's estate.
The problem is saying anything causes more harm than good really. My Dh likes to help and wanted to be there for his kids, so telling him to not do that just drove a wedge between them and me. Secret communication between him and his kids happens regularly and I'm not a part of it. He kept everything going on with his kids and anything with the late wife's extended family away from me because he knew i would be pissed off if i knew what he was doing.
The adult children are
The adult children are reaching out to their Father because this illness with their mother is tramatic for them to deal with. Any illness or death of a parent or close family member is. He is their father and, well, what else can I say. They are leaning on him at this time because he is their father.
I have to agree with the other posters. Apologize to your husband and ask his advice on what to do to mend this bridge with his adult children. I don't know if it can be fixed, but at least try to.
Good luck OP.
^^^This^^^
^^^This^^^