what am I doing wrong?
Problem started when I brought my 2 son's from previous marriage home to my newly-wed home. I've had no choice since my ex-wife had abandoned the boys to a foster-care home which I found out after loosing contact with my children for few weeks. Between my current wife and I, we have a beautiful daughter who's now 4 yrs old. In the beginning, I did not think about the consequences of bringing my boys to their new family since my fraternity instinct clouded my views. I just could not put my boys in the care of foster family while I'm still alive. My wife's resentment and frustration started soon after, where it now reached a climax beyond my comprehension. My boys were never in trouble throughout their life, always respecting adults, yet my wife criticize them constantly. At one point, my boys were crying in-front of her locked bedroom begging to talk to them and tell them how to fix the problem. She blames me of over-protecting them with lies and manipulating truth. And yes, I do occasionally don't tell her things that my upset her, such as giving them few bucks for allowance (no more than 20), or buy them clothes now and then, which she notice right away and makes an issue. After 5 years of these ordeal, my oldest son graduated and joined the marine last year and 2nd one still has another year to go. To make the long story short, I have reached to a point where I can no longer understand or tolerate her irrational behaviors. Is it too much to ask leave my son alone? I'm not asking her to love, cook or do laundry for him. Just let him stay and sleep in his room for another year until he graduate. He spends most of his time in school anyway(he takes wakes up 7am and comes home 10pm taking city college courses), so why can't he just have peaceful stay when he's home? Everything he does, or not do becomes criticism. Whenever he forgets to do his chores, take out the trash, makes a noise(accidentally dropping his books on the floor), do his laundry or too tired to take a shower for one day, she goes off. I must admit, my son is rather forgetful and lazy sometimes... but with his college prep. high school junior schedule, couldn't she cut some slack? Whenever I tried to talk to her peacefully, we end up arguing about my defense on behalf of my son's behavior. My conclusion is that she just cannot not stand him being around the house. No matter what my wife brings up the past events such as my mother not appreciating her efforts to take care the step-children, or my self constantly trying to defend my boys. Many times, I wanted to quit but the only reason I endure this is for my 4 yr old daughter. She is the most precious thing I have and I don't want to loose her through another broken family. This is only my side of story of course, and I have tried my best understand her side, yet I just cannot understand the hatred inside her. Am I too thick headed to understand her emotional status? Can someone help me understand what I'm doing wrong?
OP, not all SM's share
OP, not all SM's share Sally's view. Some of understand that there are times when the SM is the problem,not the kid.
I don't think you're doing anything wrong. The fact that your wife even noticed that your son missed ONE shower, tells me she's sitting back watching and waiting for him to make a mistake so she'll have something to bitch about.
With his course load, I'm not surprised that he missed chores from time to time. Praise him for doing a great job academically, but still push him on the chore thing. Tell you wife to shut her trap.
Your wife sounds like one of those silly women who married a father but never considered the possibility of his kids living with them full time.
Good luck to you.
wow sally, you have my
wow sally, you have my attention since you sound exactly the same way as my wife. I assume you were or still are in similar situation as my wife. You label me as a Disney dad... and yes, I agree.. I am a Disney dad and will forever be Disney dad to all of my kids. I would rather have my kids create jokes in a certain situation and move-on than be seriously depressed. I grew up in a very strict family, where women are allowed to speak their mind. Perhaps, that family culture plays biggest part where I do not understand certain behaviors my wife shows. My wife is not evil. She truly cares about me and our daughter, but that's where everything stops. She refuse to care or even think about others people within her surrounding. And yes, she was not like that before I married her. She was the most caring and generous person I knew. I guess people change... most likely I've changed the most. Sally. How can I talk to her and create reasonable conversation without her criticizing me from the start? What are the method to start a conversation to convey my thoughts without provoking her? And most of all, how can I ask her to endure her pain for another year?
I just had a similar post
I just had a similar post here called should i stay or should I go. Read some of those responses, some of them are way off base but there may be some good advice there you can use.
My opinion is to open up the communication somehow. Lock the in the same room for an hour til they talk, scream, hug, whatever happens, happens. I find myself telling my wife to remember who the adult parent is. You need to figure out what real problem she has with him. Communication is key. It works every so often for me, my wife goes through raging stints and loving stints. She goes off on things I consider irrelevant. Is your wife a bit of a control freak? I'm just asking.
thanks for your suggestions.
thanks for your suggestions. as for locking the room and screaming at each other, geeez... with 4 yr old girl, i don't think that's possible. As for her control issue, yes, she must have control over everything... I guess I tolerate because of my situation. But like your wife, she can be most loving person when we are just alone.. with our daughter. The difference of behavior I understand. But constant resentments and criticism for 5 years... I don't know. shall I endure this for another year so my son can graduate?
Sally sounds like a control
Sally sounds like a control freak...lol
tommar, please come to South
tommar, please come to South Africa so you can meet my doofus. Doofus is incapable of facts. Especially about Chucky and what brand of groceries I buy.
Women tend to not leave out
Women tend to not leave out the tiny details that are setting them off. Most men will state the bigger picture, and what had transpired in a (as someone else said) snapshot sort of way, but they often miss stating the nuances (because they either don't see it as important, or they don't recognise it, or they can't understand it so they ignore it) that are actually the crux of the issue. (Rags and drac0 being the exception.)
Women will talk about the build-up, the body language, the tone, the perceived issues, the indications of a larger issue, their feelings, etc.
I mean I know what most of the husbands would probably say:
My wife is being too hard on my child who is just doing his/her best, and you have to understand that they had a hard time with the divorce so they don't feel like they belong and are acting out a bit.
Meanwhile, a satanic hellion, whose parents divorced 20 years ago, is setting fire on the SMs underwear and screaming at SM while daddy dearest is watching on the sidelines, twiddling his thumbs.
Actually, it's not. I've been
Actually, it's not. I've been on more forums than I can count and noticed this same running theme. Actually, it might not be exclusive to men, as I notice parents (or general people) attempting to defend themselves will usually use this kind of language. I think I've been on ST for a bit too long so it's been a running theme with what SMs are usually told.
"No matter what my wife brings up the past events such as my mother not appreciating her efforts to take care the step-children, or my self constantly trying to defend my boys."
For example, this is an account WHAT she said, but not WHY she said it. Get what I mean? It's glossing over what has really been bothering his wife, but he won't go into depth as to what she meant by "mother not appreciating her efforts" or "constantly trying to defend". I don't know if it's consciously or subconsciously, but most of the situations he described, he uses very vague language. For all we know, his mother is a nightmare MIL, and constantly trying to defend means that as long as his WIFE is the one bringing up the issue she has, he defends them.
Remember we had another post (and we get these every so often) about a guy whose girlfriend resents his kids and we find out ALL the OTHER things that she took to heart but he didn't think worth mentioning because SHE came on the board to give her version?
Can I give an AMEN to your
Can I give an AMEN to your response and have you talk to my hubby please..
While your wife sounds a bit
While your wife sounds a bit unpleasant, I will give her the benefit of this being one side of the story. My husband treats his other 2 kids like they are the best things ever to happen- but he didn't raise them. At first my husband thought I was being mean to them by having rules and enforcing them. He often said "you better treat our kids together the same exact way." And I do. But he doesn't. His kids didn't like their birthday/ Christmas gifts? Here's some cash to get something else. My kids- hey dad, can I have $5 to go to McD's with my friends? No, you didn't do this, this and this. They call- sure, what do you need? Other kids wanted braces, sure thing. My kids can't get cavities taken care of because we're broke. How does your son treat her when you're not around? After almost 18 years of marriage, I am still just the "girl who lives at daddy's house." (Yes, that's how they always referred to me.)
Sneaking him money and going behind her back makes her feel insecure. My husband never allowed me to act like more than a babysitter to his 2 children so I get VERY defensive. And it's very difficult to discuss because we become defensive and offended. Now he tells me it's time to get over all of it and move on. After 18 years? Not going to happen. This is on both of you, and you have to find a way to not make this next year miserable... Good luck.
Have you ever just talked to
Have you ever just talked to your wife, for real?
I'm always a bit suspect on guys claiming they do nothing wrong to deserve their partner's "irrational" anger (which is, really, a gaslighting attempt--just because you haven't heard the reason doesn't make it irrational.) I say this only because DH (and my dad, and my grandpa, and his brother, and his male cousins) is like this so I suspect there's a!biological component.
He's standing there trying to talk about apples and oranges and I'm talking about fruits, and he doesn't think he did anything wrong. I bring up past events because he told me he needed concrete examples to understand, but then he starts attempting to defend those past events by using the resolutions I CAME UP WITH (like, those turned out okay)--NO, DH, them turning out okay doesn't mean everything was okay from beginning to end. So a lot of the times he doesn't see what's wrong because he himself doesn't believe anything IS wrong, so he gets confused when I get pissed. Then I start resenting him more and more until I resent the catalyst, and not him.
I'm going to type a scenario that would come out very differently depending on whose point of view you're reading from. This is an old argument that occasionally pops up:
His watered down version that makes me seem like a crazy control freak:
After he teaches at our martial arts school, it's about 8:30 at night. After he gets changed, occasionally, he decides he's going to have a few drinks (2-3 beers) with the students. It's about 9:30/10:00pm by the time he gets home. I'm FUMING and rip him a new one. He says he's a) home earlier than he used to be, b) trying to interact with our students on a peer to peer basis so they feel they belong and so we become stronger as a school, c) he works all day so he's just trying to unwind with some friends. He'll say I tell him I don't want him staying after class.
Alright, but what if I filled in these pieces:
What if I told you a) this happens 4 times a week? So he's gone from 7am to 10pm (work and the school.) b) he comes home, acting tipsy and annoying and everything I say is a joke because he's had those drinks? That's 4 nights a week someone comes home and antagonizes me because it's funny to his alcohol addled brain, c) when I got pregnant he said he was going to give up some nights at the school to help take care of the baby--and that did not happen, so I'm taking care of our child from 7am until 10pm on top of taking care of the entire house AND earning money--I don't even have time to go out. d) I'm relying on the fact that he gets home to deal with her at 8:45 so I have SOME TIME to decompress and do some of the errands I can't when BD is with me. e) he gets to spend time with his friends, but when was the LAST time I got to do that, and he wants to complain he doesn't get to spend time with his friends?
What if I told you that once, I was waiting for him ON A NIGHT HE WASN'T TEACHING after he ran out to the school to pick up some tools (since we didn't have it at home) because we were putting down the flooring in the den, and he said he was going to be gone at most ten minutes (we're a two minute drive away) and AN HOUR AND A HALF passes while I'm sitting in the den wondering WTF is going on, so I bundle up BD and drive to the school and find him having a beer with the guys?
For the record, I nearly left him after that last incident (and he finished the flooring by himself that night), but he's been much better now--he restructured his "guy time" to times that I'm not at home, waiting for him so the majority of the time, I don't even notice.
But what I'm saying is, yes, I would like your wife to come here and give her side as well because yes, the way you say it makes her sound like a cold-hearted bitch, but I know if a good portion of husbands of steptalkers came here and gave their side, their wives would sound like crazy bitches too.
Then again, your wife really COULD be crazy, in which case, the question becomes, why are you choosing to date/marry/breed with crazy people?
>I do occasionally don't tell
>I do occasionally don't tell her things that my upset her<
"Honey, remember that business trip I went on? Well it was in Vegas and I blew about $2000 in gambling, strippers and club drugs. I didn't tell you because I didn't want to upset you."
I have used that line on my wife three times now whenever issues come up with my step-son and she and him get caught in a lie; like skipping school, her giving him money and telling him it's okay to go visit friends after school after he has been grounded.
If she is disengaged from you children that is a seperate issue and she shouldn't be making a fuss over what you do (or don't do) for your kids, but if you guys have an equal partnership in parenting, than what you are doing is wrong sir. You don't lie or hide things from your wife just because it may upset her. Especially if you have both agreed on something (like a set amount for the allowance, no allowance if chores are not done, etc.)
Speak of the devil. I just
Speak of the devil. I just mentioned you in a comment as one of the few guys who understands the subtle nuances of a situation and will verbalize it when giving his account.
Probably because I'm a fan of
Probably because I'm a fan of Mark Gungor's "Men's Brains VS Women's Brain's"
Women will connect an event with an emotion and that's why it gets branded into memory. This is why women tend to remember everything. Men do it too, just not very often because - frankly - men don't care.
Yes, both boys have been in
Yes, both boys have been in therapy since their bio-mother abandoned them. Thank you so much for caring for their well being. It has been long time since I've heard anyone who care about them other than my self. As for defending for my kids, I do not verbally or physically defend them. I'm one of those people who cannot hide their emotion. My face shows it all. I tried very hard not to show.. and I should not show... but I cannot control my face expression.. I guess.
Our family travel everywhere together (family: meaning my wife, 4yrs old daughter and myself). Everything is all fine when we are together or traveling. My son must to go and stay with his grandmother during the weekends and time where we are traveling. Why? reason is that she does not want to smell his body order when we come back home. Wife accuses my son skipping showers while we are away. Therefore, he should not allow to stay home while we are away. That was our latest issue. I guess women are more sensitive to smell than men, but.... I don't know... what do you think? does it deserves the reason to block him from staying home while rest of his family is having fun during the weekend?
So your son's NEVER travel
So your son's NEVER travel with you??? Your wife may be an ass, but you are as well because you have allowed this craziness.
Please don't be shocked if when your son's get married and have kids of their own,they cut your family~you, your wife and daughter~(funny how you don't include your son's in that)out of their lives. Of course when that happens your wife will complain about your son's keeping the grandkids away from you.