Typical child, or something else? Does it get better?
I've been with DH for three years. The skids are SD10, who is AMAZING. I love her to death. She's kind, and empathetic, and smart, and funny . . great little person. Then there is SS7 . . .
He was booted out of morning daycare last year for choking, spitting, hitting, punching, throwing kids to the ground . . stealing, slapping teachers on the ass . . Then the after-kindergarten daycare booted him too. The only reason the school itself didn't boot him was because it was the end of the year. It was coming though.
So now he's diagnosed ADD and ADHD and blah blah blah autistic spectrum, sees a psychiatrist, counselors visit his classes and watch him. I fully believe he's NOT anything but a child narcissist coupled with being severely spoiled. DH is a narcissist. And we have them EVERY weekend. DH is the typical Disney Dad and imposes no rules, no boundaries, no consequences . . but anyway . .
I feel so good that I can say it here - I can't STAND the SS. I lost a LOT of respect for him with all his horrid behavior at school. I am dumbfounded by his constant displays of bad behavior at home. I can't stand his weepy little face, his whiny little voice . . he commands CONSTANT attention, he lies, he abuses his sister, abuses the dogs. He is not very bright either - they are putting him into special classes because he's so below the average marks in school. And he does the most jack-assed things - he does NOT listen to what he's told, EVER. He destroys things. . I could go on and on and on. My family doesn't want the kids around (mainly just the SS), neither do most of my friends. Every time we go somewhere, SS does something idiotic and people don't want him around again. Wow. That felt good to say!
I am completely disengaged, and was forced into that by DH. However, I still get animosity from DH because I do not dote on his children. The typical “Don’t you DARE try and impose rules or discipline on my kids . . but oh, you should gush over them and do things with them and buy them things.” As I said before, DH is a narcissist so when he looks at his son he sees a "mini me" that he protects and puts on a pedestal, as opposed acknowledging to the hot-mess-little-shit that he is. DH posts pic after pic of his “mini-me” on Facebook, but completely ignores his gorgeous, intelligent daughter even when the obsessive behavior over his son has been brought to his attention by several people.
I'm rambling - my question is this: At what point is the SS going to grow up and quit being a crying, scared, clingy goo-goo-ga-ga pain in the ass? In three years, I've watched the SD mature and develop a personality and try new things and grow into a sweet young girl. In these three years, the SS is the same at nearly 7 as he was at 3.
He has to be IN THE SAME ROOM as his father at all times. He won't play outside, he won't even play upstairs in his room - he's gotta be stuck to DH. He cries about everything. He is constantly touching/hugging/on top of everyone. He must hug me thirty times a day. And no exaggeration, he’s physically STUCK to his father. Hugging him, holding his hand, touching him, climbing on top of him. Everything you say, he has to reroute to him: You say the dog is cute, he says "I'm cute too!". You say to the sister "You crack me up", he chimes in "I'm funnier". His dad will run to the store and SS will just stand at the window, staring out, waiting for “da-da” to come home. Yes, he still calls him “da-da”
Please everyone, tell me . . am I horrible? Or is this just the natural way of a growing boy? I never wanted children, never had experience with children, so I have no comparisons. The only comparison I have is SD10 who is amazing. Do you guys have any advice on how to deal with the annoyance of SS7? And no . . DH Disney Dad is not going to ever help, in any way shape or form. I know DH is part of the problem, BM and her new fiancé know he’s a problem, the counselors and doctors know he’s a problem but . . Disney Dad is still Disney Dad and no one is ever going to change it.
Will SS6 ever grow up? Will he get better in time? Is this just normal child behavior and I need to get over it?
I can tell you that NOTHING
I can tell you that NOTHING will change for the better UNLESS DH is willing to do the parenting. I understand your frustrations but I am also wondering WHY you would remain in a relationship with a narcissist and marry a man with children when you clearly didn't want to become a parent. Don't mean to sound harsh but you took on a BIG responsibility yet it sounds like DH also didn't realize that along with marrying you, you would gain some responsibility regarding his kids. There are diagnosed medical issues with the SS but unless the natural parent is willing to follow advice....... you're screwed. If the SS's mom is concerned about the negative effect of DH parenting, she can also seek avenues to limit his exposure with supervised visits. Sounds like she has the medical proof she needs
If your SS is the same
If your SS is the same developmentally at 7 as he was at 3 then people who say he is on the autism spectrum may have a point. If he has a developmental and/or intellectual disability, then his parents need to adjust their expectations and find experts who will help them meet his needs. He could do much better in a structured, predictable setting with clearly defined expectations and rewards. if his dad is in denial which is common he is wasting precious time that cannot be made up. Shake your DH out of it, use a therapist if you have to. The earlier the interventions begin, the more intensive they are the better the outcome. Regular small class in a regular school is likely not the answer either.
It seems as if a lot of people are involved in your SSs care. Talk to them about ways to help him.
BM has gone to the doctors,
BM has gone to the doctors, the therapists . . she has talked time and time again how she knows DH is a problem and how "things are going to change!" and how we are going to have meetings and we are all going to be expected to follow the same schedule/rules/agenda and how if DH doesn't comply that she is going to seek full custody and limit SS's time with DH. They were just waiting for the official diagnosis and once they had it, DH was in for "a rude awakening" . . that was the end of last school year.
She got the diagnosis. NOTHING has happened since. Not. One. Thing.
And I know one of you said "you took on the role of a parent by getting involved with a man with kids". I fully understand that, and I was fine with that. But I'm not allowed to parent. I'm not allowed to bring up things like bedtimes or consequences for bad behavior, or limits on the time they play with eletronics . . I'm not allowed to try and teach kids to open doors or say please or thank you . .
So I would love to parent. I'm not permitted to.
Thank you all for your responses. I've just been in denial. I know what the outcome of this is going to be. I just didn't want to face it. :,(
Though yes, there are kids
Though yes, there are kids with ADD, ADHD, and Autism Spectrum Disorders, I hate how these disorders are always thrown about as a handy excuse for LACK OF PARENTING. I work with kids with these disorders every day, and there's a huge difference between having a disorder and being a spoiled little twerp.
Sounds like your skid has some serious DisneyDaddyitis. And possibly some ODD. THe kid definitely needs therapy but if your DH isn't going to bother being a parent, it won't do any good.
Have yall made sure the BM
Have yall made sure the BM isn't filling his head with crap? Like da da doesn't love us any more he's got a new family or something like that? It sounds like he has to have yours and your DH's approval and affection all the time. The reason for that is he may feel because of things he's hearing at his BM's he's worried da da won't love him if he's not perfect or he may forget him.
Does your DH get annoyed with it like you do?
No, DH does not get annoyed
No, DH does not get annoyed by SS in the least. He loves the adoration.
And no, BM is not filling his head with anything - she's actually a really good person, and is truly concerned for her son. I just wish she would have followed through with all her threats of forcing DH to alter his parenting (or lack of parenting) style.
I know it's sad. Yes, I love DH. I love DH so much that I was willing to bring his children into my life.
But you guys are ALL correct - it's not going to change. It's not going to get better. And I can't do anything about it.
Time to run for the hills, eh?
Update: I know this is an old
Update:
I know this is an old post but . . I have a question. Let me babble and update you all.
So SS7 is continuing on his path. Every other few days is a call from BM saying things such as:
- He hit a classmate (several instances)
- He pulled down his own pants, or his classmates' pants
- He shoved a ball in an elderly care-workers stomach, she was injured
- He blasted an adult in the face with a ball during a birthday party
- He opened the bathroom door and took a picture of his sister on the toilet
- He pinched a girl in her "privates"
This just goes on . . and on . . and on. DH does nothing but blame the school, the care-workers, the other children blah blah blah. He just goo-goo-ga-gas SS on the phone every night. DH actually says things such as "I'm so sick of her [BM] and her bullshit, all she does is torture him [SS]." He says this because BM actually tries to *GASP* discipline her son. BM is at wits end, and I feel bad for her. I hear her saying over and over "I don't know what to do, what can I do?" She takes away electronics, gives him "time outs", works really hard on a "star chart" and is all over positive reinforcement . . but SS just keeps on keeping on. This kid is only 7 years old, and he has ZERO friends that want to play with him. His little peers don't want him around because of his behavior.
So . . yes, my question . . how much bullshit is the school and after-school facility going to take? How LONG do you let a kid disrupt your establishment, and harm other children and adults, before you frigging DO SOMETHING? Obviously the parents aren't worth a crap. Seriously . . how long does a place have to put up with this?!?!?!
And more than that . . where are the other parents? If my kid came home and constantly said "Johnny" did this to me and "Johnny" did that . . you better believe I would firstly be all OVER that school to do something with Johnny, and if that got me nowhere, I would be all over little Johnny's parents.
What the hell does it take? I keep WAITING and waiting and waiting but . . holy hell this crap has been going on for over a year.
If your SS has high
If your SS has high functioning autism, autism, aspergers or anything "on the spectrum" as it's referred to it is not going to get better without remedial school, play therapy and depending on his sensory issues occupational therapy. Most important of all some very serious boundaries and routines. These would need to be consistent in all the homes he visits (BM, Disney dad, grandparents etc).
If he is in a main stream school he will be asked to leave if he continues to be aggressive. If he is in a remedial school or a school with remedial classes they don't ask the children to leave. It's what they specialize in.
I can only sympathize with the situation you are in. The whining and crying stops eventually. What comes in place of it is worse if no help is given to this child.
If your H won't help your SS there is nothing you can do. Have you tried taking your H to see a counsellor and giving him some tough love? If you have and it hasn't worked then leave. Spectrum children are not for the faint hearted and are a massive amount of work. It has to be team work though and not one person shouting against thunder.
And NO, I am NOT giving my DH
And NO, I am NOT giving my DH a pass. I know full well that he's a HUGE part of this. I've just written off any hope of the father doing anything to fix his son.
And yes, I'm still here. I'm stuck in my situation for at another year. However . . I have put my escape plan into motion. I just have to stay sane a little while longer.
Thank you for the insight,
Thank you for the insight, Monchichi. Yes, everyone has tried talking to DH, but he simply refuses to address his son. During weekends he refuses to continue any punishments imposed by BM (no electronics, early bed).
Once a week, the telephone conversation is like this:
BM: He did this, and this and . . I just don't know what to do!
(Then DH gets on phone with SS)
DH: Hey buddy! You have to be good, okay? It's not fun to be in trouble, right? You can't do that buddy, you have to be a good boy. Now you have a better day tomorrow, and try and remember to keep your hands to yourself. You try and get a lot of stars, okay? I love you too! Only three more days till Friday and you'll be here all weekend!"
And SS is usually the worst on Friday's because he knows DH is picking him up, and DH won't do anything about his bad behavior. So the school/daycare knows they have to call BM and tell her, then BM calls DH and bitches, and DH protects SS and blames BM for being too harsh . . what a mess.
As I said before, at the end of last year in May, I heard all from BM and her fiancée how "it" is coming - SS is going to be put in a special school, and all houses have to have the same rules, and DH is going to HAVE to go to counseling and adhere to the rules set by the doctors or he won't get to see his son . . blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Same stuff is happening, nothing has changed.
My honest opinion? BM has EVERY weekend free because we have her kids. She has admitted she loves her son, but she really is disappointed in him and can't handle him. So she's happy to dump him on us every weekend. She only sees her kids 3 hours a day - one hours in the morning (get up, get dressed, here is a cereal bar now lets get to school) and two hours each night (get home, eat dinner, get a shower, do homework, now get in bed by 8pm). That is IT. We have them Friday from 5pm until Sunday at 7pm. Why would BM do anything to sabotage her wonderful child-free schedule?
I understand DH and BM are failures. I just don't understand why the school/daycare center and the other parents are allowing themselves to be tortured like this.
Time to insist on EOWE rather
Time to insist on EOWE rather than EWE. You and DH have to have your periodic weekends SKid free and BM can deal with the spawn half of the weekends.