This is the kind of crap DW pulls. If BS and BD gets a treat (like say, we take them out to McDonalds while SS is at his father's), DW goes around the bend to try and alleviate her guilt. First she'll actually try to stop all of us from going and insist we wait for a time when SS is with us. I told her there is a snow ball's chance in hell for that happening. I am not spending my life watching BS and BD grow up and not be able to treat them because SS is not with us. Next thing DW will try to do is try to arrange a "date night" with SS to make up for the time we went to McDonald's "just to be fair".

What is really happening here is your DH and my DW are magnifying the child's feelings. Of course the step-child is not going to speak up. They have NO FREAKING CLUE how to express their feelings because their bio-parent is all in their business figuring out their feelings for them. He'll tell you what you *should* have done which is, to make BOTH SS and DH happy. That is what it all boils down to. If the child shows just an iota of dissappointment, the bio-parent magnifies it and thinks the child is being utterly neglected.

Your example of one child going to Disney while the other is stuck in a closet may sound like an exagerration but it is spot on. In your DH's eyes, that is exactly what you did. They need to step back and realize that it is not the end of the world. For God's sakes teach the kid! They played arcade games, got some shirts, etc. Good times were had by all. Oh you wanted to do a little shopping with your own money too? Next time, remember to bring your wallet!

So let me ask you this? Does your DH do for your BS like you do for SS??

Your story is sad to me because you seem to have a decent relationship with your SS, it doesn't sound like he is bad kid, but your DH is the one who is acting like a pestilent child! And whether he realizes it or not, his constant scrutiny and nit picking is making you want to distance yourself from your SS, NOT bring you closer together.

Nothing is ever enough. Been there, done it, spent it, was still not in the right. Kids are greedy. DH's don't seem to get it a lot of the time. I did made it a point to go on outings, out to eat, shopping trips, movies, swim parks and at the end of the day we had two different stories. My story was that the kids wanted more (which is most kids) I wouldn't let them order multiple desserts with lunch. I wouldn't let SD14 buy a $50 T-shirt from the mall, after I already made our planned purchased items from a discount retailer at the mall. They didn't get to see the R-rated movie they really wanted to see. Etc, Etc, Etc. Now, I no longer volunteer to do that crap. They can ask DH. I'm not going out of my way for ungrateful brats. DH can hear all the whining that I 'exaggerate' on.

I see the guilt motivating DH, but I also see an SS who is manipulating his father and you and using this "poor me" mentality to drive a wedge in your relationship with DH. This behavior needs to be curtailed ASAP.

I'd urge DH to redirect his angst and use it to motivate his child to speak up for what he wants. If he fails to speak up, he is not to make himself into a victim. You know, teach SS responsibility, that others cannot read our minds, and that the world does not revolve around SS.

Teaching these lessons is good parenting. Not teaching these lessons is failing your child.

Next time SS complains to Dad, the first question out of his mouth needs to be "Did you ask?" If the answer is no, then "Well, SS, your stepbrother is getting things because he speaks up when someone asks a question. You can't expect to get what you want if you refuse to speak up. And you certainly shouldn't expect that people will take your complaints after the fact seriously."

This was the reason behind my disengagement. DH was ALWAYS creating issues. Nothing I did was ever enough. He complained about how I did the laundry, why a certain dish I prepared for dinner was not good enough etc. Finally I stopped caring about whether he thought I was a 'good' stepmother or not because he was using it to jerk me around all the time.

I've had this issue with both my SSs although more with YSS. BS will come in and ask "Can we have some ice cream for dessert?" now I caught on quick that YSS and at time OSS in cahoots, were sending BS to ask me, so my new answer was, "Yes BS you may have a bowl of ice cream, get out the ice cream and I'll get the bowl" BS would say, "Okay!!! I'll go tell the boys!" my reply, "No BS, you don't need to go tell them, if they wanted something they are perfectly capable of asking" My SS are 4-6 yrs OLDER than my BS. YSS would come up, see BS having ice cream, get pouty, and whine "Why does BS get ice cream?" My response, "because he ASKED" Did he get it?? No, because instead of saying, "May I have some too?" which absolutely he could, he turns, pouts and heads back to the TV. This happened repeatedly with many different things. My response was always, "Because BS asked for _____" At some point SSs whined to DH about it and he asked me about it, my response was, "Because BS ASKED for ______. Neither of your boys ASKED. If they asked they would have gotten the same thing" Either my SSs finally figured it out on their own and will ask, or DH clued them in by telling them, "well maybe you should ask"