Adult narcissist stepdaughter

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I had been married since 1998 to my husband. He has 2 daughters. They were 9 and 11 when we met. The youngest one and I have always gotten along. The oldest... not si much. I might add that I also have a great relationship and friendship with their mother. Their mother did nit disapline the children.. that was left up to us. The oldest got thrown out of school for drugs and sex in the bathroom. We put her in private school. She was angry about the private school and blamed me. I got her into college and she became successful on her own. She was constantly complaining to her father that she was misunderstood and I was being mean. Fast forward 13 years I divorced their father and moved 500 miles away. 4 years later we got back together. She (the oldest) was not happy. The younger one and I had stayed in contact and was happy we were together again. Older daughter would not see her father if I was present. That changed for a few years.. then I found out that I have Multiple Myloma cancer 4 years ago. We were seeing she, her husband abd 2 children about twice a month. She noticed in the calendar that I had another event marked for a weekend in which they were visiting. She asked if I was sorry that we did t go .. I said that I would have liked to have gone but they we're coming instead so we cancelled. She told her dad that I had hurt her feelings. I apologized. She said she had set her boundaries and never wanted to see me again. Her father has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I am essentially hus caregiver. He still is able to play golf and socialize but needs me for hus short term memory. She is coming to our town for Fathers Day. She has rented a VRBO for the weekend. She does not want to be around me but wants to see our new home. He wants ne to go to our other home for that weekend. I am tired of all this drama and want him to tell her to stop this nonsense. He's afraid she won't let him see the grandchildren if he dies that. I have apologized 5 or 6 times. I want him to stand up for me...am I wrong?

not wrong, but

You are not wrong, but if he has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, it most likely will not happen. His understanding and recognition of what happened are most likely incomplete. SD is nice to him when she sees him and in the moment that is all the he understands.

Be careful. Be very careful. If you have not seen an elderly care lawyer do it now. You need the wills and powers of attorney nailed down. Steps can wreak havoc when things are not buttoned down tight. Personally, I would not leave him alone with her until/unless all the documents were complete.

The Alzheimer's Association has a site (https://alzconnected.org) similar to this one. They redid it recently, and lots of threads disappeared. But, before they did, there were horror stories of some steps actions. The site is a great source of information for spouses of those with dementia.

Not wrong.

However, do not wait for your DH to deal with it. Put his toxic spawn in her place and keep her there and point ou that it will not be all that long before her father won't be able to make his own decisions and if she wants any relationship with him at all, she needs to pull her head out of her ass.

Rags, his having Alzheimer's

Rags, his having Alzheimer's means that Step issues can skyrocket. Alzheimer's sends things to a new dimension. Under the best of circumstances, dealing with Alzheimer's is difficult, but add in a narcissist Step and things can deteriorate quickly.

The DH, in this case, cannot deal with it. He does not have the capacity to deal with it. And, yes the OP will have to deal with it. But, before she does she needs to be sure their paperwork (wills, POAs, beneficiaries, etc) are in order. She needs to get everything in order before dealing or she risks the narcissistic SD meddling in their financial affairs.

Absolutely!

Though not in a blended family situation, we have had to navigate my Grandfather's Alzheimer's as well as my Grandmother's dementia.

I have no doubt that the Step dimension takes dealing with the tragic progression of the disease to a place beyond brutal.

Careful!

I echo the be careful, and further it with the need to see a lawyer. If your DH was fine, he could make the decision to cut off the PIA SD and disinherit her. Or just stop visiting her. Then someday when his care gets too much for you he can enter a home and instruct that she not be allowed to come in and disturb his peace. Unfortunately in a step situation she can say you're brainwashing him, get you kicked out, take over his care and drain his finances. It happens. OFTEN. No one believes that a father would cut off his daughter. So the women get to fight it out.

I would make sure his wills are nailed down. His power of care is nailed down. He visits a doctor and a lawyer who can testify that this is what he wants. Get they youngest on your side. If you can't do ALL of that, then you can't cut her out of his life. But you can set boundaries. You can explain that you are his caregiver and that you are happy to arrange a time for her to come over his house. NOT your new one.

And don't leave while she visits, but ensure you have cameras up to record all interactions! Document as much as you can so she can't come after you later. If you make gestures to include her, you can show that you did. If you get seen as gate keeping him it can bite you later.

Hopefully when you got back together the second time you made firm pre-nuptuials and good wills. And even better if you gave each other power of personal care. But don't underestimate how much she'll twist the story to say that you're the alienating one and try to get him away from you, just out of spite.

EDIT TO ADD - and it's the right thing to do. Ensuring that they see each other while he's still alive is the right thing to do. She hates you. Not her Dad. Unless it was his choice while he had his faculties to remove her from his life, you are responsible for helping him to carry out his wishes. As long as she's not harming him in mind or spirit or body, facilitate the get togethers. Just protect him at the same time as much as you can.