SD informs everyone she's engage - except Mom and step-sister
My 26 year old step daughter got engaged. I have been married to her father for over 11 years. My husband and I new it was coming. However, she texted her father and her bio-brother and bio-sister the moment after it happened, but excluded texting me or her step sister from the happy news. (Her bio-mom has passed away long before our marriage)
I spoke to her father (my husband) and told him this is the same stuff since we have been married. Lack of courtesy and respect for me. It doesn't change. He said he has spoken to his children about including me and my daughter many times. He doesn't know what to do. I said it is not only your money paying for this wedding, it is mine and we are not paying for the honeymoon and our gift IS the wedding and we need to get this stuff straight before plans get rolling. As for the lack of courtesy, I said, I will speak with her and I did.
Long story short: I congratulated her. Then I asked her why she didn't feel she needed to text me or her step sister. She had no reason, other than she didn't mean to exclude us. I said "No? But that is what you did and that is what your actions say." I laid it on the line that it isn't just her dad's money paying for this wedding - but my money too. If you are making plans for a wedding and we're paying for it - it includes both of us in all decisions. So I vented my hurt feelings - probably for the 1st time in a long time, since she has been out of the house and honestly if felt GOOD! Here's the kicker. She wants to have the wedding within 5 months. Love to hear the thoughts on this subject :jawdrop:
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How did it come about that
How did it come about that you and DH are to pay for the wedding? Did she ask, you offer or are you guys paying for it due to "tradition"?
I only ask because most couples these days are paying for the majority of their own wedding.
As far as the 5 month time limit and you're paying, might want to let her know how much you can spend with that short of notice.
Agree with stepx2 You should
Agree with stepx2
You should establish how much you will contribute.....if not you and dh may be in for a shock.
With the economy the way it has been the last few years, most couples are paying for their own weddings.
She knew EXACTLY what she was doing when she excluded you from the text.
I feel like if your not good enough to be treated with respect, then your money shouldn't be good enough either......
Also as far as your DH
Also as far as your DH stating he has talked to her about this...he doesn't know what else to do...
Here's a thought.....STOP talking dh and do something tangible I.e " since you refuse to respect your step mom the money that will be contributed to your wedding will be 50 percent less, then it would have been"
Now those are actions that will make her sit up and take notice!!!
The talking is USELESS and obviously doesn't work.
Wow, I feel like everything
Wow, I feel like everything shared has been exactly what has been circling in my brain for a long time. Thank you all so much for the validation and that I'm am not alone in the SM craziness.
The comment about "cut the money by 50%" - I used this exact statement almost a year ago when she wanted DH to meet her recent boyfriend and didn't include me. I told him, if she doesn't have the courtesy to include me in meeting her boyfriend - you can just cut that wedding money in half if she decides to marry. Why should I pay for something I am excluded from. DH avoided making any assertive statement to SD by saying, Well, let's figure out a time both SM and I can meet your friend. He didn't say, you need to include your SM in these meet and greets.
My husband still has a snit on and hasn't spoken to me since I vented about my SD rudeness of excluding me. He is avoiding the subject all together. Oh and conversation a while back about weddings, he thinks we should spend 10K on a wedding - HA. We aren't rich people.
I guess, my husband assumes we are paying out of 'tradition' - during my venting with husband, before speaking with SD on the phone about excluding me, I also told husband I don't plan to pay for the honeymoon or a gift, as the wedding is our gift.
MY NEXT STEP: I have composed an e-mail to the SD and her fiance that says congratulations on their engagement. We (husband and me) need time together with them, in person, to reveiew and discuss wedding plans. I gave them a few suggested dates and times to meet. I sent the mail to husband to review prior to my sending off (waiting for his response).
I have gathered many wedding ettiquete documents, wedding planning documents (and documents that say who pays for what)in addition to budget planning sheets and have 2 copies of everything. One for us and one for the engaged couple. I figured if I am going to have to be part of it, I am going to have to take some control over what is paid for and what is not paid for and explain to the penniless couple what their responsibilities are.
Well, check back from time to time and see how the saga is going. Thank you all again for the support. It makes me feel better you are all there.
Is there a difference in
Is there a difference in Paying for the honeymoon and paying for the wedding?
Is there difference in paying for the honeymoon and paying for the wedding. Some people think it is the same, other say it is not. Paying for the wedding is not paying for the honeymoon. Any opinions? I said, we would pay for the wedding and not the honeymoon, that is not our gift, the gift IS the wedding. A friend said, oh it's all the same.... I'd like advice
As for the string above, DH said that he didn't want me to send the email I composed to sd about getting together to discuss wedding plans. he is not ready to plod ahead, that he hasn't even had time to enjoy it or say anything to anyone since i vented my hurt and demands at him. He told me let them enjoy their engagement.
But the very next day sd sent email to him about a wedding date and he went and sent her a response (cc: me) that it sounded good and we need to get together (all of us) and review wedding plans. So I guess if she plods ahead it's okay, but if I wanted to send an email it was wrong? Oh and have the wedding in 4 months!
Don't know the extent of
Don't know the extent of involvement in the wedding plans of sd 26 and myself. We want to talk to the couple of what they have in mind, how many people they are looking at time frame, etc. If we are paying for the wedding, I would assume we have some level of involvement. Unless it is an agreed to amount of money from DH and myself and we just give them a check and say do what you want and send us an invite??? Mind you, sd is 26 future S-I-L is 38. My guess is Sd wouldn't want my help really, but pretend she does when they meet with us to talk, in front of DH, about what they have in mind for wedding plans. I really am at a loss in what I think right now about everything. I like the word you used StepAside - perplexed.
Ha ha ha - powerpoint. I
Ha ha ha - powerpoint. I don't think she would even know what that is...
I find it funny, since she has always dreamed of a big wedding, in Pink (does that help with a visual). Now she says she wants a small wedding. I don't know. I will post about plans in a couple of weeks when we meet. Frankly, I'm ready to step-aside
Thanks for your comments. SD
Thanks for your comments. SD with passive aggressive behavior is true. This girl has been trying to be controlling since day one. I got the carpets cleaned in our house when first married and came home from work and she (16 at the time) told me, take off your shoes we just cleaned the carpets. I looked at her and said, "I know, I paid the carpet cleaning". HA!
I do think I was excluded and so I was put down and I let DH know that. "She didn't include me because she didn't want to include me." of course DH couldn't respond to that...just avoids.
I wouldn't put a penny into
I wouldn't put a penny into that wedding. She didn't want to include you in the initial excitement of the engagement, so why bother with the rest of it? I'd let her figure it all out herself, and trust me, it's not easy! There are soooooo many little details to think about! (we planned and hosted a wedding for my daughter 8 years ago---did a great deal of it ourselves to include making all of the dresses and bartering with a friend who owns a restaurant to cater the event. We still spent well over $7,000)
I doubt SD24 will ever find anyone dumb enough to marry her (she just likes them to make babies with her), but if she ever does, I'm sooooooo not involved. Not going, not spending, not involved.
I would give them a set
I would give them a set amount you and DH are contributing and let her plan away. If she needs more money she can come up with it.
I think that is what will
I think that is what will happen. Just deciding on the amount is now the key with DH, who thought 10K was the amount. WHAT? are you kidding me? we are not wealthy people and I have sd28, sd26, ss24 (who got married last year) and bd19.
Decide how much you're going
Decide how much you're going to contribute and give it to them 1/10 every other week the next 5 mo nths so they have to keep you in the loop or they don't get the next installment.
Otherwise you'll write the check because she'll pretend to be happy to have you involved, then blamo - check cashed, and not another word. PRobably won't even get a thank you.
I keep thinking we will open
I keep thinking we will open up an email from BM that says SD's wedding costs this much here are the receipts please send you 60%.
It is my nightmare now that SD is older.
We knew the engagement was
We knew the engagement was coming - just not sure exact date. So to get the text was just a confirmation it happened. Yes, I would have thought a phone call would have been nice, but I don't think sd26 has a clue about manners or etiquette. (no bm since she was a small child)
It was a text that evening after he asked. I don't have much else to write about it all right now.
A bit raw this weekend over the extreme coldness in conversation between DH and me or the bouts of bickering. Feel bad for my bd19, who has to hear it. Try not to bicker around her, but the walls are thin.
DH lashed out at me about bd19 (He wasn't invited to her drama, because last time he went to one with 'questionable content' (liberal college) he was offended by content - so she/we didn't invite him to this one. I wasn't going to go, but it ended up I bought a ticket for sunday matinee, going alone). Early one we DID talk about content and mentioned not going - he doesn't remember that. He told me that he never said it, I said "you did say that"
It was just his way of lashing out at me because of his sd26 not telling me about the engagement. My bd19 said she is going to tell DH why he wasn't invited, because she is feeling protective of me and I told her she didn't have to do that, I'm fine.
He informed me that he talked to sd26 and said the wedding was going to be small and that she is asking a friend, who is a wedding coordinator to help (I wonder if that is a lie, that she is actually a wedding coordinator. I will let you know). She also said something about bd19 maybe singing - pfff, she didn't even bother to tell her she was engaged until I got angry and left a vm phone msg after that. bd19 is fed up with the situation too of being excluded.
The big thing during the bickering was that DH said, why can't I get mad at what bd19 (drama play) does, but you can get mad at what my kids do? and I said, "your sd26 was RUDE!" and he said "So, why are you getting mad at me." I said, "because you are her BD and you should correct it after 11 years." (But I know that is never going to happen, even no matter how much I vent, scream or yell). He is too passive with correction and his kids.
Oh, on top of that we didn't get our state taxes back because other SD28 has parking tickets and state takes it from taxes - 2nd year in a row. DH name still on car registration. DH didn't tell me any of that though, I found the notice.
I just want to say, this site and you guys are great. If I didn't have this place to vent, and get your advice right now I'd just be sitting and stewing this all around in my mind. If the responses say I am over acting or re-think something - I appreciate those responses too. I like the paying for the wedding on installments each month. I'm might use that one.
BTW, what does SO stand for on the chats?. Seen it on some posts and I can't figure it out. You're all the best!