I moved out
Am I wrong for wanting less communication between my husband and his ex? To me a fifteen minute phone call a few texts one day and a three minute phone call another day is way to much communication for one week. I left after the fifteen minute one almost two weeks ago now, packed all my stuff and put it in storage. I hate it I miss him our son misses him and even though I want nothing more than to go back I don't want to go back to a man that thinks I don't trust him and should be okay with their relationship. To me they divorced he needs to decide what he wants his ex wife or his family. Which is not how he sees it he says he still has an obligation to her to answer when she calls and hates the fact that the counselor told him to limit the calls to one day a week. How am I suppose to be okay with them talking so much how do you not care about something you feel is so very wrong?
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What were the calls about?
What were the calls about?
I do not know. He tells me he
I do not know. He tells me he is a grown man and does not need to report to me or its not my problem. They try to hide the fact that they are talking she always calls to ask the oldest if I'm there. He does swear its about the boys but I know before he started hiding the majority of the time it was not about the boys. Off the top of my head she has called about one of her dogs, her vehicle breaking down, her family problems,
That's crap, if they are
That's crap, if they are being sneaky and hiding how much they talk or what they are talking about then you are right to be pissed.
I remember one time DH and I were sitting out by the pond at our old house, enjoying a beautiful evening and BM2 called. I recognized her annoying voice right away and could hear every word she was saying because DH was sitting right next to me. The first words out of her mouth were "Is she right there?" I flipped shit like you can't even imagine. I scooped up our BS and headed for the house. Told DH I was packing and I was done and gone. Over and out.
DH said she was calling because we had just closed on our new house and were moving in a couple of weeks and she wanted DH to talk to the landlords at our old place to see about her possibly moving in there. DH said she asked if I was there because she was trying to be "respectful" because she knows I don't like it when she calls for shit that does not pertain to SS. I said bull fucking shit, if she was trying to be "respectful" she wouldn't fucking call to begin with. Call the damn landlord yourself if you want to move in the house that your exBF and his WIFE just vacated.. you fucking freak.
I have a MAJOR problem with sneaky shit. Good for you for standing your ground.
This communication style
This communication style between your DH and his Ex has been going on for a long time. Each family is different regarding the amount of communication and interaction between Exs who coparent. In my case, ExDH and I are long-divorced, but friendly so we interact quite a bit when he is "in-country."
I'm not certain that the conversations are the real issue between you and your DH. It seems more like you feel invisible. You are not feeling valued, honored, respected.
Glad that you are trying to make choices that will provide you and your little one a healthy place to live and grow.
I know I feel invisible he
I know I feel invisible he hardly ever includes me. Even tonight he tells me his boys are first priority and that when he has them he only wants to focus on them that even to go to church takes time away from them. So where does that leave us and our family on the back burner till he has holes in his calendar to fit us in. I also think a lot of my problem is she has accused me of some false and at times awful things that he never really puts a stop to even occasionaly uses them against me when we are fighting.
I would not be with a man who
I would not be with a man who said his kids are his first priority, as in, above me. Obviously his kids are extremely important to him. But that's not something a husband should say to his wife. It's basically telling you repeatedly that you're not as important as other people. Even if that's how parents are "supposed" to feel, it feels like shit to hear it. I would push my husband off a cliff to spare my own kids. I would never, ever TELL him that. But hell. It would be an easy choice.
I'm positive I've been living
I'm positive I've been living in bm hell from the first night she found out about me and came to get the boys. I keep hoping and praying I did the right thing even though it feels so wrong. Breaking up my family is not what I want but neither is living with a man that doesn't seem to value our family as much as his first family.
it seems your dh created
it seems your dh created another family before he cut emotional ties with the "ex". nope, you did right and are a saint for taking it as long as you have. time he made a choice: his ex or you. I would think I would make my WIFE happy, not my ex.
Agree with Cocoa. He can't
Agree with Cocoa. He can't have two wives. Chatting with another woman multiple times a day constitutes a relationship. And I wouldn't be okay with this. Not to mention that I would consider conversation with the ex as family business and fully expect sharing between spouses.
Disagree. What would require
Disagree. What would require daily 15 minute calls? He has a spouse to gush over all the great things his child has accomplished. Once a plan is in place, there's no need to have that level of contact. More importantly his wife feels uncomfortable.
It's the child's other
It's the child's other parent.
Obviously, these were not
Obviously, these were not secret conversations because the OP knew about them.
I certainly don't have what I would consider "secret conversations" with anyone, but I have many conversations during the day that my husband does not know anything about. Some of them were with my ex, before he lost his flipping mind.
I would never continue in a relationship with someone who insisted that I not speak to my child's other parent, or do it on their (the spouse's) time table or under their supervision. That's just not how I operate.
I know that my husband has conversations with his ex-wife that I know nothing about. Mostly, because it's just not pertinent. It might come up when he says, "Oh, yeah, when Son is over this weekend, we need to make sure we have Benedryl because he has a rash from an allergic reaction" and I find out that he learned the information via a phone call from his ex. Who cares?
Well, obviously, some people care, so I would suggest a relationship wih like-minded individuals. I would not be able to be in a relationship with someone who constantly questioned my ability to make decisions about to whom I speak, about what and for how long.
BM used to try to talk to DH
BM used to try to talk to DH about her life. He told her he would hang up on her if it wasn't about SD. He did, too. Phone calls went waaaay down!
The real problem is not the
The real problem is not the length of those phone calls but that your dh doesn't give a damn about making you feel secure and loved. It just sounds like the same old "he's just not that in to you" crap.
I didn't see one word about his wanting you back - only that you like to go back.
I don't see how there could
I don't see how there could possibly be that much to discuss about the care of the boys or why you would even want to talk this much to someone you divorced. He sees nothing wrong with talking to her multiple days not even when I asked him how he would feel if the roles were reversed. I don't think he knows how to make me feel secured and loved he is to busy shutting me out and making me feel bad for thinking this is not okay. He says he misses me but I'm the one that left so he's not asking me to come back thats my choice.
Do not second guess yourself
Do not second guess yourself here. You are right. I do not talk to my DH this many times a day about our BS5 who is in school, takes karate, plays soccer etc. There's really nothing to discuss... we have a schedule and we stick to it. If for some reason DH can't get him to karate after school, he lets me know and we adjust but it does not warrant a 15 minute conversation or multiple calls etc.
It's nothing more than a lame ass excuse by your DH
No thank you. Dh would be out
No thank you. Dh would be out on his ass. Any convo they have on the phone, they should be able to have in front of you.
They were secretive according
They were secretive according to OP. It's going to be hard to have a cookie cutter plan for this problem. It's all in how the Bm and DH make the SM feel. It's an "atmosphere" if you will. Here's what I mean: I don't have to say anything to DH about his phone contact etc with BM. If she calls or texts when I am nearby, he doesn't try to hide anything. It is always 100% about the kid, and she doesn't even contact that often. Therefore, if for some reason he talks to her for 15 min one day when I was not around, it doesn't phase me. It would be extremely rare, and I would KNOW it was some serious skid issue or something.
I also rarely call or text exDH except a quick text to confirm scheduling or something.
On the other hand, if there was a secretive atmosphere around these contacts, I would 100% be suspicious. It sounds to me like your intuition is speaking to you! HUGS!
I know about the phone calls
I know about the phone calls and text because they show up on the account. All I ever wanted was one for him to be honest about her calling not to disappear and two to limit the communication to being about the boys. We tried counseling after the second time dh told me he was not going back. During that time the counselor told him the contact they was having did appear to be to much and asked if he would be willing to tell madam x to set one day a week to discuss the previous week and next week. He agreed I never implemented it but I do expect him to uphold it. I respect the fact that his kids are very important to him even try to plan time away when he has them so he can have uninterrupted time with them what I have a problem with is they are such top priority nothing else matters. If we are to be a family then the rest of us should not have to take a back seat just because his kids are there. They can entertain themselves and it wouldn't hurt him to take enough time to be a family that goes to church and family events.