Daddys Little Girl
Hello everyone I have a had a horrible weekend and it was so ridiculous. Please tell me your opinion on this. Friday my boyfriend realized he forgot his moms bday (it was 2 weeks ago). He panicks, tells me, and now I'm freaked becuase I had no idea it was her bithday either and i feel terrible that nothing was done for her. So we agree to have them come up and make them dinner, we got her flowers and I spent 2 hours making a bday cake for her. His mom was cool about him forgetting cuz shes alot older and prefers to not talk about her age, etc. But we decided it would be nice to do something anyways..so there was no hard feelings...
Anyways, we start dinner and stepdaughter (5yrs) wont eat. Claims she doesnt like the food- it was chicken and potatoes. We know she likes this but for a few months now she has not been eating. SHe complains EVERY meal about what we have ,has been making a fuzz at every meal bouncing around sitting for 45 minutes and does nothing but complain about stomache aches and being full. Weve had people tell us to say "fine, dont eat, no snacks" and to let her leave the table. Thats ok advice BUT every night we waste food on her and its ridiculous that she complains about mac -n-cheese. Personallly i think shes testing us. The problme is that her dad lets her sit there for 45 minutes and as long as she eats she gets a snack. TO me, if shes piddling around for 45 minutes shes not being goodand doesnt desesrve the treat. ESPECIALLY if all she does for the 45 minutes is say IM FULL. but when she sees coookies, guess what. shes magically got room in her belly.
anyways. she pulls this that night. My boyfriend says you need to eat or you wont get to go to the movie later tonight (we were planning on going to a movie after). we'll guess what. still no eating. so i say. "look, your dad asked yuo to eat and your not touching your plate. were all going to go to the movie and eat popcorn and treats and your not going to be able to go if youdont eat something". Well the tears start, she starts crying and her grandma goes over, hugs her and takes her to the couch to sit with her. THEN, they REFUSE to eat the birthday cake i made becuase we would not give the two kids (who did not touch their dinner) a piece of cake.
Well needless to say, I was PISS*d. I spent two hours-prob more making a bday cake and becuase his daughter put on the tears NO ONE got cake. Then they all went downstairs like it was no big deal and watched movies and played and laughed. I cleaned up the kitchen and went into the loft to work on the comp[uter the rest of the night because I felt this was totally disrespectful to me.
Why should we all not celebrate with cake becuase two kids wont eat.
So my boyfriend tries to come up after they leave and said he wanted to smooth it out and said his parents were wrong. Following this "apology" was a list of why I shouldnt be mad or why i was overreacting...
1.) his parents are just being grandparents and its hard to tell them when they do something wrong.
2.) He doesnt know howto handle his daughter not eating.he doesnt know what approach to take
3.) HE isnt the kind of dad that gets mad and handles his kids with authority.
4.)no one knew it was a birthday cake so i shouldnt be offended they didnt eat it!!!!!! (apparently it didnt say happy birthday on it so it wasnt technically a bday cake..however we told her it was a birthday cake when she walked in and it was indeed, a birthday cake)
so basically he apologized but made excuses for everyone's behavior and when this "apology" wasnt good enough for me, that didnt make him happy and we proceded to not talk all night. All the while hes downstairs with his kids being happy dad and playing with them when THEY are the ones that didnt listen to him and acted bad and ruined the night.. Even up until they went to bed his daughter was crabby and all he did was try to make her laugh and be happy again. BUT ME. nothing. SHE messes up the evening and somehow i was the bad guy.
I told him this relationship is not going to work under these conditions. Its disfunctional to play second fiddle to a daughter if your married or about to be. I feel when they get older they wont respect me if they know no matter what they do daddy will be happy with them and take their side and make excuses for them. How in the heck did i end up the bad guy in all of this?
I realize this whole thing is rediculous, but its FEELS so ridiculous that he doesnt agree with me on this sequence of events. Its made me so angry that ive called off our engagement. I cant marry a man that doesnt back me up, doesnt stand together with me. I can see if im being stupid (which sometimes i am) but i feel like i did nothing but try to make a nice bday for his mom and i got shafted by all of them and the one person whos supposed to help me and stick by me- my fiance'-makes excuses for every one of them. This whole daddys little girl routine has got me at the end of the rope. I love her, shes got a good relationshipwith me, but when she wants to manipulate shes got it down. and what scares me is that shes 5.what will it be like when shes 16.
- VJUELW's blog
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Comments
par for the course?
I know how frustrating your situation is VJUELW, b/tw the work you put into the night..with no thanks, the lack of follow through from your boyfriend, and of course the in laws..what fun we all don't have sometimes. If it makes you feel better...I would bet 99% of five year olds out there are playing the same game at the table. My bio's are 4 and 5 and let me tell you it happens every meal at the table these days. My hubby is also the "if you don't you won't..." kind of a guy who, though I love him, rarely follows through with it, with any of our kids...bio or skids! I remember my ss at that age to, I swear if I cooked a meal and served it to him in a take out dish...he would eat it...served up like a home cooked meal..oh no he didn't like that. I am hoping patience will get me through the meal crisis..and hopefully soon they will get over it...my ss did. Re: the grandparents...what fun I had my own parents here for the weekend and you get the same crap from them all, they love those babies and I wander if they see through rose colored glasses...but I am sure they would be full of comments if you asked how they would handle it wouldn't they? lol..like we would want to hear it right? I do agree with you on having your boyfriend back you up it probably took my hubby a couple of years to realize it is necessary for you both to agree to these situations together and not going at it from different angles. Good Luck!
im just scared that no
im just scared that no matter what anyone does, I always end up the bad guy. How can i feel loved if the man i am supposed to marry always thinks Im overreacting or wrong and takes everyone elses side?. I dont want to get stuck with someone whose kids can do no wrong. Its always about the kids. I either "dont care enough about them" or when i get upset that they ignore me, or exclude me he tells me I am "caring to much and should let it roll offf my back".should i care or not? i get yelled at either way.
I give up alot for the kids and it doesnt help i have no kids of my own. i feel like they are all he thinks about. i get that i came "second" chronologically, but when you put a ring on my finger and make me your wife shouldnt that mean something. shouldnt he be the one person to stick with me or back me up. Ive been told by two psrinks now that "the husband/wife relationship needs to be solidified and put first in orde rto provide your kids with a healthy, normal adult relationship to model their future relationships by and to give them a secure sturdy home". HOWEVER, I feel like in todays society there are so many people living for their kids only that their relationships suffer and i dont want to be caught up in that and i feel like i am. i grew up in a household where my mom and dad had each others backs and i knew they were a team. I dont feel that way with my fiance at all. I feel like him and his kids are the "team" and Im in the sidelines stuck with no rights, no opinions all the while paying for their stuff and sacraficing my time for them. If my fiance made it worth it that would be one thing but all i get is grief. The reason i stay is becuase when they are gone and not around my fiance is back to his normal self and treats my very well. the minute his kids come around its like jeckle and hyde. i loose my fiance and gain- at best- a roomate who i spend time with at 9:30, 10 even 11 pm sometimes becuase he wont put his 5 yr old daughter to bed at a reasonable time on the weekend. shes sometimes up til past 11pm. and she follows him everywhere and everytime he does something with me she cuts in. i really cant stand the constant " competition" for my fiance. im loosing to a 5 year old and im supposed to get married in 3 months and i dont want to be shoved aside anymore. Its not normal-at least it shouldnt be. I dont deserve that. The problem is this. my fiance completly disagrees with this and thinks he DOESNT put me second and thinks everyone is treated fair. i dont know what to do. i feel like all he does is think of his kids, and usually one would say "thats so nice a divorced dad taking interest in his kids" but sometimes it feels disfunctional to me. for example..if his 5 yr old throws a tantrum all day and does nothing but whine, i get angry and frustrated. he also gets frustrated with her and puts her in a time out. As soon as the time out is done though he feels bad and starts to try to make her smile, laugh etc. However, after listening to her whine for 4 hours Im still angry and frustrated and all i get is attitude and excuses as to why i need to lighten up which usually turns into a fight becuase im sick of getting yelled at when his daughter does stuff that is frustrating. THEN, guess what? he's not in there trying to make me smile or laugh.NO way. its 24 hours until we even say anyhting which makes me feel lousy becuase he didnt care if i went to bed sad or angry. But heaven forbide if the daughter goes to bed mad at her daddy. Its been three years and although every year gets better i still have this awful suspicion that i have a bad case of daddys little girl syndrome going on.
WE NEED TO TALK
YoungStepMomof2
Sounds like we're in the EXACT situation and knowing that i'm not alone is a good feeling. I've even felt like just telling him to shove his kids up his ass and leave me alone! They do nothing wrong, i'm the villain all the time. And if I sat here and tell you everything i've done for those kids financially, emotionally, physically, and mentally you would think that he would never think twice about knowing that I am great! And that's even worst, I feel as though he should know I would never do anything wrong nor mistreat his children, because despite everything they have done to me I am still caring and loving. I don't even get thank yous from any of them... I feel like they expect me to do things and i'm supposed to do these things.
maybe it's time to ask
him? Do you only discuss these issues during the visits, or at the end? Maybe you should bring it up with him when it is the two of you at home alone and you are in a better place. When the skids are there he may not be able to look at the situation without seeing them. And although they will forever be part of it, by discussing it with just the two of you home may take some pressure off both of you. There has been times in my relationship with my husband that I have felt this way too...and generally the only fights we have involve the skids, especially if we disagree on issues. And it is even harder when the kids are raised one way at bm's, and then come home to dad who doesn't want to say or do the wrong thing to make the kids upset...especially when they only get "visits". I agree with you 100%, kids will be much happier in a house that has parents who have eachothers back and work as a team...and in return (hopefully) you end up with kids who respect everyone in the household. it is to bad that people don't say "it's nice that this woman is willing to give so much to her new family and show an interest in his kids"
we have seen two counselers
we have seen two counselers and both have told him that hes in dire need of structuring his kids. He starts off good- tries to set groundrules but then it tapers off and all we are back to square one. Him thinking its all no big deal and me looking bitchy becuase i want rules in my house.
I just told him last night we needed to hold up on the wedding. He seemed a bit distressed and when we went to counseling today he seemed genuinely concerned but then on the way back his defenses went up and he seemed mad at me again.
I hear it takes approx 5 years to acclimate to this whole thing. im at year 3. i can handle the differences in discipline between us beucaase at some point if he wont do it i will. and by discipline i only mean setting rules guidlines that we both agree on and then if he doesnt follow through i can. i mean they do live in my house and as owner of the house i feel entitled to have some ground rules. and if dad is to lazy to follow through i can. BUT i cannot handle being second place to his kids especially if we are to be married. He claims im not, but man, sometimes it feels like i am the bottomfeeder of the group.
I AM TO THE POINT OF GIVING UP
YoungStepMomof2
It's so bad, if he were to propose to me i'd say no only because of them. I don't want his kids, I can't stand them. I even have nightmares about them, and I can't sleep thinking about them, and all this anger i have inside that they have brought into my life. I have even suffered from migraines since they came into my life. It's really bad, I've also thought of killing myself at times and i think that's ridiculous cus I would never do that, but the fact that I would even think about it is serious. I'd love to spend the rest of my life with him, in fact I couldn't wait to be his wife and once I saw what's in store for me there is no way in hell I would marry him if I have to deal with his evil kids for the rest of my life.
OMG YoungStepMomof2 I can't
OMG YoungStepMomof2 I can't believe you have actually contemplated suicide over your skids. Do not let them take control of your life girl. Take back your life! Lay down the law that if he doesn't teach them to respect you and your rules as the woman of the house then you will teach them. If he does not like it then he is the one with the problem and he should leave! Most men are blind to things that their kids are doing because they simply don't gt bothered by it and wonder why we do. We are the ones who keep the house together and take care of the family so we are always more stressed and sensitive to things that may not seem like a big deal to the men in our lives. Let him know whats up girl and take back control of your house. If their mother did not teach them respect for their elders then it is your turn to let them know that this is what WILL happen in your house and they WILL follow the rules or suffer the consequences. It burns me so bad when step kids think they don't have to respect the SM because she is not the BM. If anything we should be treated with more respect because we don't HAVE to take care of them but we do and they should be thankful! Stay Strong.