If you want ss to have one then you will have to do it dh!
It started off with a little Christmas decoration to put on the tree. It is my baby's first Christmas and wanted to get something cute to mark it. I thought ss13 might feel a little left out so I also ordered him one. Next was Christmas jammies... It was always Christmas tradition to have new jammies on Christmas. So dh mentions ss will need a pair too. Then I wanted to get my little one a Christmas stocking with some teething products in it etc. I got a cheap one with his name embroidered on it. I mentioned to dh that if he feels as is going to be left or (despite never having a Christmas stocking at dh for the past 13 years but having one at bms) that he should organise it now before it gets too late. His response "why didn't you just get ss one". Well dh the reason why is not only would I pay for the stocking, I would also have to buy things to fill it/. I am on limited pay at the moment cause I am on maternity leave so what would have happened is I would just have not gotten my ds one as I couldn't afford to do both. I just looked at dh and said you should organise it if you feel that he will want one. My ds already loses out to ss who gets spoiled in both houses so sorry not happening.
One other little rant. I know ss finds it difficult having to share dh with a sibling (9 weeks old) as he has always been so spoiled and babied by my dh. This happened last Sunday and I am still trying to get over it although I realise others may not find this such a big deal. So we were in the car and I can't remember what I said and dh responded in a jokey tone "Im not really sure he's mine" in relation to my son. Well ss was sitting in the back and o swear to god he squealed out "what?" In the most excited of tones. I am still so upset at the both of them. Dh has apologised profusely said he didn't mean to say it especially with ss there and I know it completely was a joke but I am just so upset about it all :/
- Starryeyed's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Oh honey, sweating the small
Oh honey, sweating the small stuff ((hugs)). If H wants his son to have those items, he gives you the money and with pleasure you will do it. If he doesn't, then yo u don't. Your H is a tit and what he said was rude.
I know he was joking and my
I know he was joking and my ah opens his big fat mouth without thinking sometimes but it was just the fact it was said in front of ss and the. Ss reaction on top of it just really pissed me off, I just wanted to take ds and run !
I actually LOL about saying
I actually LOL about saying that to ss - it would have been perfect. I swear to god the way he said What made me sick. I have tried to get him involved by holding and feeding baby but he just has no interest in him. Sad really.
You cannot make siblings
You cannot make siblings bond. Either they accept their arrival or they don't. Chucky will not touch BabyD. He told me to take her back, he doesn't like girls. Polly is in love with BabyD and BabyD her. I now keep a healthy distance between them.
I didn't - if you read above
I didn't - if you read above it says I was upset with both! I actually got very upset after dh said it so he kept apologising for ages after it but it still hurts days later
The whole thing is just so
The whole thing is just so frustrating. My dh had a job offer with massive prospects (it would actually enable me to be a Sahm instead of working just to pay bills and having nothing left over! But we can't move away from ss. That would be fine if ss wanted to be a part of this family but he is only interested in having dh to himself. Eugh.
No there is nothing wrong
No there is nothing wrong with him wanting his dad - I never said there was but indont think it's wrong for me to want my son to have a big brother relationship with him too
OMG you have a SS!!! PEOPLE
OMG you have a SS!!! PEOPLE who questioned her authenticity, she has a STEP }:)
Not in my 11 months here, I
Not in my 11 months here, I almost not really but almost doubted your lack of venting about poop and messed bathrooms.
ROFLMAO there is nothing
ROFLMAO there is nothing wrong with having a cleaning OCD that is unmedicated.
Well it means we would have a
Well it means we would have a more comfortable life rather than "just getting by".
Or you could advance your
Or you could advance your education and find higher paying employment.
Why should 'bettering' the family be all on DH? If your employment pays your part of the bills, it serves it's purpose. If you want to increase extras, you increase your earning ability. Why resent a kid who's father wants to stay near him and be an involved parent when you yourself could improve the financial situation for you and your 'special little snowflake ' without sacrificing SS to do so?
Actually I have two masters
Actually I have two masters degrees. Again look up Irish economics before you judge. People are in very low paying jobs in comparison to the cost of living despite being highly qualified. It's tough right now.
I'm not the one here whining
I'm not the one here whining she'd rather be a SAHM instead of working just to pay bills.
She's blaming and harboring
She's blaming and harboring resentment towards a child because she chose to marrying and have a baby in a depressed area. No one made her move there. No one made her pick a man with a previous child nor did anyone force her to bring another child into her household.
I get to form any opinion I believe follows the information provided. You get to form yours. You can think of my opinion as snide and unnecessary all you please. It doesn't make your opinion any more correct than mine. I don't recall needing your permission nor approval to form my own opinion of any given situation on this site.
I do have a SS who did indeed live 9hrs from his son. It didn't stop him from still being with his son (SGS) each and every weekend.
Dh actually moved away for
Dh actually moved away for work before I met him. We met abroad and moved back. We live in a completely recession riddled country where we will never be able to get on the property ladder. Basically we are paying somebody else's mortgage twice over a month in rent. It's very frustrating. Seriously Google Irish exonomics if you don't believe me. And no I wouldn't expect him to leave ss behind forever, we would come to some arrangement where he would see his dad. I would never expect that, I don't know why you assumed I would, you seemed to jump to that conclusion automatically. My comment basically said we were staying so we could be a family despite ss not wanting anything to do with my son who is his half brother.
Dh actually moved away for
Dh actually moved away for work before I met him. We met abroad and moved back. We live in a completely recession riddled country where we will never be able to get on the property ladder. Basically we are paying somebody else's mortgage twice over a month in rent. It's very frustrating. Seriously Google Irish exonomics if you don't believe me. And no I wouldn't expect him to leave ss behind forever, we would come to some arrangement where he would see his dad. I would never expect that, I don't know why you assumed I would, you seemed to jump to that conclusion automatically. My comment basically said we were staying so we could be a family despite ss not wanting anything to do with my son who is his half brother.
tommar, I understand your
tommar, I understand your point. I don't think you're posing it very eloquently.
Starry, when you married this man he had an ex and a child by a former relationship. He had a specific income and lived a certain life style. He then met and fell in love with you. You joined homes and lives. You then had a child of your own. This did not invalidate his previous child being in your life.
I understand you would like a better life, as you see it, but you married this man knowing his obligations and earnings. Wanting that to change now because you have an ours child is wrong. Wanting it to change because you want to stay at home with your child is understandable but again wrong.
I believe there are so many things we have to fight in step life. I chose for money and attention/ children's time not to be my hills to die on. I have a SS, BD and an ours baby. My H can get his maintenance reduced. I am the one who refuses to allow this. He has an obligation to his son, which I expect to be honored as much as I appreciate him wanting to contribute more to our little family.
Think on that and then ask yourself if you divorced your H, would you want the next woman who comes along to penalise your child?
I'm happy to take the SAHM
I'm happy to take the SAHM aspect out. The OP could, by the same token, improve herself and earn more too. If the OP were saying she has a job opportunity that requires them to move and she could provide more, I would support it. What I don't support is that her H must move to provide a better life for them, when she knew their attachment and his wanting to be close to his son. There are some aspects we all have to admit we knew and saw before we committed. Surely the financial impact and plans with having an ours child were discussed.
Expectations and commitments were made. You don't suddenly go "SURPRISE, here's baby number to coming out and we didn't know. Oh dear we forgot to discuss the future."
I'm playing both sides here. It's her want that her H is expected to comply with. Not their joint want. If they all wanted to better their lives, this would not even be a debated topic. He doesn't want and he's not going to change his mind because he created another child. This is the hard part to being the second wife/ family/ appropriate term.
I get that and they would
I get that and they would have discussed that before hand. A prime example, I live in South Africa. The chances of my having employment in 5 years time is quite slim. The chances of my girls finding a place in university even slimmer, never mind their employment chances. My gorgeous hunk of man and I discussed the future. Before we married or even lived together.
What were we going to do in x number of years to mitigate. How would we become more qualified and marketable? Would he need my French citizenship? And so on and so forth. We went so far as to only put me on BabyD's birth certificate so that she could get my citizenship.
Then we got married and we started to plan our exit from South Africa. I didn't have a baby and then go "Hey honey, South Africa no longer works for me. I'm leaving. Want to come with?" KWIM? These are important life decisions that you make together, in unity. Ireland's economic decline has not been over night or even in the last 12 months.
They had to have discussed how they plan to provide for the son as well as their baby. If not, then that is where they have gone wrong.
Alas, the H doesn't want to.
Alas, the H doesn't want to. The crux of the matter is they do not have a meeting of minds and life expectations.
LF, you're proving my point.
LF, you're proving my point. You discussed it with your H. The exact same thing I did with mine. Decisions were jointly made. An understanding was reached and we then married our spouses and are moving forward.
Unfortunately moving for
Unfortunately moving for employment is a part of life, especially if you are in a field that requires moving. Such as a military job. You simply aren't going to tell the military that you can't move or go to war because you are divorced with a kid now. It is a part of grown up life if you wish to advance in your field.
Unfortunately this becomes an issue after divorce because the two people who created the child are not on the same page anymore. The BM in my situation moved away for her job. It was a job that she moved up in professionally. While I was sad for dh, I could understand that the woman had worked her entire life to get her degrees and worked professionally for years in before having kids. Why should she throw it all away. We ended up moving away shortly after for work. It was the best move for her, and ours was for us.
If your move would end up benefitting your ss as well as your bio in the long run, then it may be worth looking into. As you get older the chance to move up professionally is limited.
I have rarely seen half siblings have strong bonds when they aren't living daily in the same household. In my opinion it is the shared environment that builds a bond, not the fact that you have similar genetics. I wouldn't worry about the bonding too much. Especially when there is jealousy involved, as it seems your ss has.
We pay our bills every month
We pay our bills every month but have little left over for much else. I have two masters and a degree and after I've paid my bills and portion of rent I have very little left over to spend on anything else. That's the reality of it. When I met dh he actually earned much more as we were working abroad, the problem here is the country we live in and how when the Celtic tiger crashed so too did people's quality of life. Apart from my ss I would hate to move as my dad currently lives over 2 hours away as it is. We are extremely close
And he just loves my ds so much. However, my point was were staying and ss was almost estatic at the thoughts that ds was not dhs. My husband has a fantasy of us being one big happy family. And we have ss a lot at our house as it is - every weekend and during the week. He was actually at our house the day I got discharged from hospital with ds so it is not like he is excluded in anyway - I have never asked my dh to give up on that time. My sahm comment was in relation to the fact I will very soon have to put my ds into day care and be gone from at least 7 to 7. No, I do not want to do that. I have spent 7 years of my life in university but no I do not want to leave my baby just yet and for that length of time during the week but bills have to be paid.
We pay our bills every month
We pay our bills every month but have little left over for much else. I have two masters and a degree and after I've paid my bills and portion of rent I have very little left over to spend on anything else. That's the reality of it. When I met dh he actually earned much more as we were working abroad, the problem here is the country we live in and how when the Celtic tiger crashed so too did people's quality of life. Apart from my ss I would hate to move as my dad currently lives over 2 hours away as it is. We are extremely close
And he just loves my ds so much. But our quality of life would be completely improved. However, my point was were staying and ss was almost estatic at the thoughts that ds was not dhs. My husband has a fantasy of us being one big happy family. And we have ss a lot at our house as it is - every weekend and during the week. He was actually at our house the day I got discharged from hospital with ds so it is not like he is excluded in anyway - I have never asked my dh to give up on that time. My sahm comment was in relation to the fact I will very soon have to put my ds into day care and be gone from at least 7 to 7. No, I do not want to do that. I have spent 7 years of my life in university but no I do not want to leave my baby just yet and for that length of time during the week but bills have to be paid.
Bm has never been that hands
Bm has never been that hands on with ss. She has never taken him for a weekend since her and dh separated when ss was 1 year old so that is 12 years!! She is more than happy to collect her cheque. She is an ok Bm, she is not the worst and we get on ok but she is more than happy for dh to take ss every weekend. I think t would be a lot more of she could still collect her cheque to be honest.
Bm has never been that hands
Bm has never been that hands on with ss. She has never taken him for a weekend since her and dh separated when ss was 1 year old so that is 12 years!! She is more than happy to collect her cheque. She is an ok Bm, she is not the worst and we get on ok but she is more than happy for dh to take ss every weekend. I think t would be a lot more of she could still collect her cheque to be honest.
Bm has never been that hands
Bm has never been that hands on with ss. She has never taken him for a weekend since her and dh separated when ss was 1 year old so that is 12 years!! She is more than happy to collect her cheque. She is an ok Bm, she is not the worst and we get on ok but she is more than happy for dh to take ss every weekend. I think t would be a lot more of she could still collect her cheque to be honest.
Bm has never been that hands
Bm has never been that hands on with ss. She has never taken him for a weekend since her and dh separated when ss was 1 year old so that is 12 years!! She is more than happy to collect her cheque. She is an ok Bm, she is not the worst and we get on ok but she is more than happy for dh to take ss every weekend. I think t would be a lot more of she could still collect her cheque to be honest.
SO and I have a 5 month old
SO and I have a 5 month old together and EVERY time I buy her something new SD12 is like "is that new? When did you get tgat? Is that new!?" It drives me absolutely crazy that I can't be excited to get my daughter anything because SD might get jealous! My 2 boys couldn't care less if their baby sister gets something new but SD and SS13 are THE most jealous and possessive kids I have ever met! How dare their dad spend $$ on anyone but them!
Last summer my boys outgrew their 2 year old swimsuits so I bought them new ones and SD12 saw the bag they came I n and immediately demanded a new one as well despite having just bought 2 for the summer! And I SWEAR SS is just waiting around for SO and I to split so he'll never have to see my or his baby sister's face again and daddy can spend ALL his $$ on him like he used to!
OP, does DH take the kid at
OP, does DH take the kid at all times, not on a schedule? Because if you guys moved to mainland Europe, for example, and had to fly SS back and forth regularly, it would be pricey but Ryanair is not so expensive. And the BM would just have to take care of her kid because DH wouldn't be there to do it. Or BM would have to fly in on the odd weekend to visit her son.
Because it sounds like DH has SS most of the time, but not all the time. And you guys pay BM CS. So any changes that benefit DH's income benefit all the players.
I have not and will not be
I have not and will not be helping buy anything for Puke(SD16). This is solely on DH. There will be no gifts to her with my name on it. I have not mentioned anything to Puke about helping her picking something out for her dad.
When we found out we were pregnant(was unplanned and later lost it) Puke had the nerve to demand DH leave me. Then made it out that I got pregnant when DH didn't want to have a baby which was not true. I knew then how Puke really felt about me and was when I really started holding back from her.