I just don't like her and I wish he didn't, either
As much as I hate to admit it, I'm slightly jealous of the good relationship my husband and his ex- have. I know it's better for all three of us and for my SS, but I guess I want some justification for not thinking too highly of her. She's a good mother to our little boy but there are things about her I just can't stand and I feel awful for it.
In a sense, it would be easier for me if she were truly rotten. She really only pulls stuff every so often and, so far, there hasn't been anything genuinely terrible. It's annoying that she "poor mouths" to my husband, as though she's trying to bait him into offering more money ('cause $800 a month just isn't enough for a toddler), when I can see that she tans and gets her nails done.
She's loud and she constantly interrupts. I find it rude and inconsiderate. Someone suggested she's nervous around me, but I doubt it.
She and my husband didn't always have a cordial relationship after their divorce but they worked through their crap and decided to be decent to each other for their son. It's admirable, but I can't stand listening to my husband on the phone with her when she wants to talk about her older son, her family, or whatever else shouldn't involve my husband. That part of his life is over. Why does she want to keep talking to him and why does he want to talk about that stuff with her?
We could be in the mess that our cousin is in--taking his ex- to court later this month to get more visitation days. That's just the tip of the iceberg with that poor guy's mess with his ex- and I am thankful that we don't have to deal with someone like her... but what is there in me that wants/needs my husband to badmouth his ex-wife?
Am I terrible? Help! Some perspective, please! Thanks!
SMIT
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Comments
We're always are ready for the worst
We all know that it's better for the children if the couple who divorce can hold the hostility & even try to be nice. That is fact. Another fact is that we know that there is history between our spouses & their ex's. They know what buttons to push to get the reaction they want.
I dealt with biomom sending my hubby love letters & stupid filthy phone calls late at night. If my husband was weak willed he may have had ended our relationship when we were dating & gone back to her.
Listen if she was all that, your husband would still be married to her. Maybe your husband has a greater need to keep things nice between them for the children. It's a slippery slope too once you started to bad mouth someone. You don't need to be her friend. If it makes your husband happy, say hi & bye when she's around.
Listen to your internal voice
My DH used to bow and scrape and do whatever the X wanted him to do. It drove me crazy. She would call him and demand that he make a multiple hour trip to her home and watch the kids because she wanted to go shopping and he used to do it. She was forever telling him that he needed to come home and quit the game of leaving (after she had multiple affairs on him). She went bananas when we got married (mostly because she never knew we were going to - she would have showed up to the wedding and made a jerk of herself). My DH would never touch her again with a 10 foot pole and mostly pretends she just doesn't exist (I would love to live in his world sometimes...)
Everything is nice and new right now, so enjoy it. For your sake, I hope it is smooth sailing until the day of emancipation from it all.
You don't have to like biomom
Hi Smit,
There's nothing in stone that says you have to like biomom. Granted, it makes it easier for your stepchild, if you do. But all things considered, it isn't necessary. Honestly, if I liked my husband's ex-wife, he would think there was something seriously wrong with me and have me committed. Honestly, he would. We are all different people. If your husband can manage to get along with the ex and work out the visitation schedule, hey that should be fine with you and less hassle. But don't feel bad if you don't like her. Many of us have started out really uncomfortable around our stepchildren's biomoms, for one reason or another. In time, you will sort your feelings out, but don't feel that you're obligated to like her. Just do your best to support your stepchild so that he can enjoy his visitation time with his Dad as much as possible. The less friction there is about his Mom, the easier it will be for him.
Regards,
Sweetie
I can understand how you are
I can understand how you are feeling. I would want to limit your husband's chatting w/ex-wife about her family and all. They should only talk about their son and that is it. Your husband needs to tell her that, otherwise you'll be living like that forever. It's better if the 3 of you have a good relationship for the children, you would never want to wish it to be rotten, it's very,very difficult and you wouldn't want to deal w/it. Maybe you can just tell your husband to excuse himself everytime ex starts talking about other topics other than his son.
I understand too how you
I understand too how you feel - having been married before but never had children when my 1st husband and I divorced I really couldn't care less I never heard from him again. Obviously with kids it's different. My husband's ex blows hot and cold with him - one minute she can't stand him - the next minute she's flirting with him. She has said some nasty stuff about me too so I told my husband that for the sake of our relationship he needed to keep his conversation with ex strictly about the kids - this was awkward at first but biomom soon got the message that we had our own lives to lead and she wasn't part of that. It's somewhat different because she and I don't get along and I felt that because of what she said to me and how she treated me that if my husband chatted to her about anything other than the kids he was basically giving me a kick in the mouth because nobody should treat your spouse that way and then think it's ok to pick up where you left off nor should hubby allow that to be the case - it's been tough but I've stuck to my guns and he slowly came round.