Just need someone to talk me off the ledge
I have been married for 18 years and i am a step parent to a 25 year child. I am from NYC.
My marriage has been more bad than good. I do love both my wife and child. I have accepted everything that I possibly could. Accepted that I will never be my child's father, accepted that I do not have much say in how the child was raised. I have provided everything I have, in terms of financially building a comfortable life for the both of them.
It's been killing me inside that all this time I have no place to say anything or have an opinion about anything regarding this household. I know it's my fault for allowing such behavior but I just never pictured marriage this way. I didn't expect marriage to be perfect but certainly a union of some sort.
There are things that I vent about to both of them and all I get in return are looks that I am crazy and that those venting thoughts are my problem alone.
I don't know. The older I get the less patient I am. Not sure what to do anymore to obtain some type of happiness and peace. This has affected almost everything in my life... my goals, my desires, my health...
Just not sure what to do anymore if anything, just been in a lot of pain.
Thanks for listening.
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Comments
Maybe you don't need to be
Maybe you don't need to be talked off the ledge. Maybe it's time you put your foot down. I don't know your situation, not exactly, so i can't say for sure. But, as another poster said on this site, focus on behaviors. What are they doing that you can't live with? Be specific when talking to your wife and have alternative behaviors you would like to see. Be calm and respectful but really spell it out. You have been married a long time. If you haven't already, give your wife a chance to meet your needs. If that doesn't work, you can either leave or go back to the way things have been.
Thank you Rumplestiltskin for
Thank you Rumplestiltskin for your kind words.
I have spoken to my wife for 18 years about the same thing, same topic, same complaint. But to no avail. When it comes to the child, it is all about the child. Constantly giving everything to the child. I have always tried to be patient and always hoped that things would change, but alas still no change. Nothing I do, say, or hope for has not changed no matter what. The child doesn't respect anything I did or contnue to do. The child doesn't acknowledge anything I have done, and thinks everything I provided was easy. Sometimes I feel like the only solution is to leave. But I am not sure if I am able to do that now. I just know that I do not know how to proceed or even if I should be thinking about that.
I don't want to sound like a wuss, but I guess I feel like I invested so much of myself into this relationship. It's like everytime I have to say something, I am told that I am stupid for thinnking a certain way, and that it is my issue. Ugh.
Anyway.. this is driving me crazy.
I think they call it the sunk
I think they call it the sunk cost fallacy? About making decisions based on time and resources already invested. We all do it. Stay strong. Also, this is not a child you are talking about, but maybe through bad parenting she acts like one. This "child" should not factor into your daily life.
Good $$ chasing bad
Yes - at 25, this is no longer a child that must be supported. EXCEPT that there are some on this board also from NY who say if this "child" is in college, support may be extended.
"25 Year Child"
25 years old is not a child, not unless this "child" is mentally handicapped. I don't know your back story, but a 25 year old SKid if still living at your home is entitled, enabled by your wife. The older we get the less patients any of us have, a couple of years ago I joined StepTalk and read anything and everything. I grew a spine and laid down the law with my DAH (Dumb Ass Husband) gave him the option to grow a pair or leave. We are coming up on our 30th anniversary in a few months and things still go south, but it's a work in progress.
My suggestion is to read and continue to read through all the blogs and forums. there is a wealth of information that will help.
^^^THIS^^^
You can't change your wife or her daughter, but you CAN change yourself.
There's a lot to be learned from the posts on this site. Please stick around.
Welcome to the site!
It disturbed me too, that you have referred several times to a 25 yr old being a "child". This person, who has not been a child for many years, should be out on their own, making their way in the world. Your two posts sound very beaten and cowed. I understand that step life can wear one down, but really you need to get back some sense of agency in your own life. It seems like you have given up and are just letting it all wash over you. If you are depressed, maybe get some treatment. It's your life - try and do something about your situation - no-one else is going to step in and save you.
Thank you ExJulieMcCoy, SM
Thank you ExJulieMcCoy, SM and Kes for your words. I guess I do not not know where to start. I have been doing this life for so long, I just do not know what is right or wrong anymore. I feel at times, maybe I am the wrong one, and everyone else is right, and society is right. Having children whether it's your own blood or step-children, is not always easy. Nowadays you cannot discipline children in fear of being scrutinized, or everything else. Most parents are so obsessed with their children that they are so afrid of saying "no". Most parents are too focused on being their child's friend that they forget that they need to be parents as well.
I call this 25 year old a child because that is what I observe. Most younger generation have this entitlement mentality and that nothing they do could be wrong. I have tried for many years to state my opinion, and as SM would say "grew a pair" but it was to no avail. I had no say in the matter because I am only a step. I was told many time how wrong I am and how come I make everything a problem. I work two jobs, to provide for the family, but I feel like it is all for naught.
I want to share more but being this is public "venting" I have to be careful.
Part of me wants to end this and I guess the other part of me wants to hope for the better. As Kes mentioned, I am trying to find something for me, and I do try to do things for myself. But some days are worse than others. I do know no one will save me, and do not expect to be saved. I just want peace. I just want to feel like everything I have done, wasn't for nothing. I do not want to feel that knot in my stomach everytime there is a full house. This shouldn't be this difficult.
I will try to continue to read more. Maybe something here will click for me.
Honestly, if things haven't
Honestly, if things haven't gotten better in 18 years and you've been telling your wife it bothers you and what you'd like to change, it's not going to change. Either resign yourself to living this way for the rest of your life or leave your wife and find happiness without her and her kid.
Does your wife work? Does
Does your wife work? Does your SD?
Here"s what I would do in order to take my life back:
If you want something to change, you have to change yourself, your behaviour, your reactions, your wants and needs. Do it.