God I so know how you feel. I have had that issue with Both my ss7 and sd5. Now the BM is putting us through hell over so many things that I just want to throw my hands up in the air myself. I am so glad that my own son NEVER acts this way towards anyone and he is VERY respectful of his stepmother because he knows that I would be furious if he didn't. It is so nice to read stuff like this and know that I am truly not alone in my stress and frustration.

I have also been there, done that. I raised my ss from ages 1-9. Mostly by myself as dh worked out of town and bm did her eowe and that was all. He had lots of behavioral issues so it was tough but when he was 9 the final straw came when he stole my panties and took them to school and showed his classmates. Dh got angry and told him to move in with bm (this was not the only thing he did but the final straw after years of bad behaviors and he was moving out anyway in a few months due to dh's deployment). SS spent the next couple days singing and skipping throughout the house. I had literally never seen him so happy. Dh also saw it and it broke his heart. I finally told him to knock it off.

He also packed up every item he owned (all purchased by us of course). *I* also got blamed by bm as to why the situation did not work out. However what was most devasting to me was just the total sense of betrayal I felt-i had raised ss for 8 years-had been to all his events, had potty trained him, been there for him every step of the while-while bm was less than a stellar parent. She had had problems with meth over the years,drinking, lost her job not long after he moved in due to not going to work because she wrecked her car while drinking, has had a revolving door of boyfriend-but THAT is where ss preferred to be. It was hurtful. It doesnt really hurt anymore-I've long since accepted that she is the bm and he not only will but should prefer her. They have a bond that I cannot ever have with him and I do understand that now.

He is 13 now and is horrible. He cant stand me, any of my 3 kids, nor dh half the time. He didnt even call dh on father's day. I just dont worry myself over him. He will be here this weekend and I will just do my own thing as well-my dh is really good about never putting the total focus on ss-in fact he tends to put it on me-and then divides the rest of his time between all 4 kids-which means ss spends alo of time sitting around by himself while he's here. He has alienated all the other kids in the house to the degree that they do not wish to spend time with him.

I am so sorry that it has to be this way, and that you've all had to go through such painful experiences. I know that there are (rare?) families out there in which the skids and stepparents have wonderful bonds- but I am trying to prepare myself for the above happening with my stepsons at some point, while still holding out hope that it won't. What do you think has been the deciding factor in all this- BM's slander and alienation? The fact that there were rules at your houses while at BM's it was a free-for-all? Such a waste. Please know that the love that you sent out to your stepkids in trying to create a strong bond was not wasted- good sent out finds its way somewhere!

I hope that does not happen to me. Me and my SS4 have a good relationship now. I hope it can stay like this when he gets older. BM is like all the other BMs everyone deals with. I take care of SS4 and my bio kids all the time when we have him my DH works nights and sleeps during the day

I too would have once said that ss and I were very close. As I said I was the primary parent. For us I think there were a number of factors that led to our downfall-I did have rules and consequences in my house. SS did get punished more than the other kids, but due to his behavioral issues and the amount of things he did wrong. He did not have rules or discipline at bm's. She did talk bad about me to him. My dh, who was gone so much himself, also did not set down rules and consequences for ss when he was here. He figured I could take care of all that stuff and he could just have fun with ss. SS never saw my parenting as love, but as me picking on him and being mean.

SS began to view bm's house as the promised land. He had natural curiousity about living with her (he hadnt lived with her since he was an infant), and all of his siblings on both sides lives with their bio mother except him. I do see how he felt out of place. I do see how it looked like an awesome deal to him-he thought he'd have no chores, rules, etc. Once he had this in his mind-he was on a boy on a mission. There was nothing he was not willing to do in order to force my dh and I to allow him to live with bm. In the 6 months prior to him leaving-he pretended to by psychotic for 2 months, he developed a detailed plan to murder my son, he threatened to burn down our home and was found with matches a lighter and there were things that had been burned in his room, and he has been stealing my panties and bras for years, but the final culmination of taking them to school and sharing them with his classmates was the final straw.

I never thought any of this would happen in my situation. I met my ss when he was 1. I was extremely involved in his care, I was loving, supportive, and treated him like my own. I felt that since he was with us almost all the time-bm's influence would be minimal. I was wrong.