My husband passed away and I am trying to work out all the final details with his daughter and brother because I am trying to do the right thing no matter how much I'm hurting.  I am also dealing with cancer now.  I was in the hospital when my husband went into the hosptal.  We agreed to have SD be his sole visitor(the hospital he was at only allowed one)and handle updates and all of it because I literally could not speak after a ten hour surgery for oral cancer.  I had a lengthy and very difficult recovery.  Oral cancer is brutal and I haven't started chemo and rads yet.

I was very grateful that someone could be there for my husband when I couldn't.  I love my family more than I hate anything they've done to me.  It tore me up that I couldn't be there for my husband.

But I can still feel the hatred simmering under the surface in my SD heart.  We passed by a place with really bad memories and of course she had to say Oh I remember that place in a very bitter tone.  I said I can remember a whole lot of things that we probably shouldn't bring up right now and that was the end of it.

His brother kept grabbing my leg and my knee when we were in the car.  It felt kind of icky and he wouldn't have done it if my husband was alive. I already tried to draw boundaries when they first got here by mentioning that I still have a lot of sore spots from surgery that haven't healed yet so I really don't want to be touched.  To her credit, SD respected those boundaries.  I was also very impressed at how she stepped up when I couldn't.  Considering our history she handled things very well.  

But there are some things that are really bugging me and I can't say them anywhere else.

When my husband was taken away in the ambulance she filmed everything and my kids were horrified.  When he was in ICU with one foot in the grave in the hospital bed she was sending pictures of him with the facebook/instagram filters that make you look like a dragon or a dog and this really pissed me off like you wouldn't believe.  I felt like she was making a spectacle out of her dad and his illness. 

I guess we're just different.  My kids and I are extreme introverts and very private.  The others just throw everything out there on facebook for the world to see.

So now I am tasked with weeding through 65 years of dusty moldy photographs and papers.  Receipts for tube socks purchased in 1977.  Pictures of every girl/woman who ever uttered a word to him from middle school until now.  Receipts for furniture he hasn't had in decades.  Old love letters that probably caused discontent in both of his marriages-his XW finally got tired of it all, took up with someone else and had an outside child.  Out of all the people in our circle I am the only one who ever acted like I was married.  That wedding of SD that they started a war over?  They are divorced now and she's with someone she was talking to the whole time she was married if her dad is to be believed and it looks like she might be starting something with one of the nurses who took care of her dad before he passed away.  Nobody is comfortable enough in their own skin to just live they have to cheat, lie and string people along just because they can I guess.  Don't make any sense to me.  

Anyway, I'm having some difficulty sorting through some of this stuff. If I don't they will want to come here and do it and my God these people are draining. The obvious junk like tax returns from the 70's loan payoffs from the 70's that kind of thing is just gone.  I saved all the crap I didn't want in the house.  I moved it to the garage several years ago so I could make more room for my/our lives instead of having the space taken up with memories of the Failed First Family(see Rags). I never mentioned it I just moved it hell they probably think I chucked it all out but even I'm not that bitchy even though some of them would have you believe otherwise.

Ten years of pictures chronicling their marriage.  The wedding album.  I moved it out to the garage to get it out of my space but I did save it for SD.  I stacked it all up in her dad's closet.  If she or her mom don't want it I guess it's into the trash with it.

I did the best I could to look after her dad and my BIL kid brother.  Years ago I begged him to go to the doctor when his breathing got bad again.  He wouldn't go and finally the only healthy thing to do was throw up my hands and just give it to God.  And I really am trying to do the right thing here but I can't get rid of the feeling that this like any other time I've tried to just put things behind me, move on and give us all the fresh start everyone claims they want will not go unpunished.  I know it's probably going to be another heartache another get even or whatever agenda they've got and they are going to drag this out and on and on.  

I'm so tired you guys.

I've got to get all this junk sorted out before I get chemo and rads.  All the dust and mold will make me sick and me and the kids don't want everyone else traipsing in and out of our house doing it while I'm in treatment.  My daughter is about to lose her pint sized shit over that idea and it hasn't even happened yet.

Man 2021 is really sucking hard.