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Bf's response to my "SD not welcome anymore"

overit2's picture

So I'm left somewhat speechless and sad all at once with this

But this is how it went last night:

I told him that I needed to talk to him about this "guilt parenting thing" and lack of discipline and that I needed for us to have our wknds w/the kids seperate from now on.

Basically he said he was glad I was on the same page about not having her come over to my place anymore-that he's been thinking for a while now and that he honestly can say he doesn't even enjoy her anymore at all-he was surprised it took me this long to say "no more". I gave him the whole guilt parenting spill, how he doesn't discipline, etc...his response was....nothing I haven't tried before-she is just so extreme and dramatic like her mom that unless I escalate it to beating her she won't back down at all...and even then it's temporary-and since her mom beats/slaps all the time he didn't want to go that route. He says raising his voice or sending her away (which she refuses so he has to physically pick her up and put her somewhere) does no good, she will buck and refuse and insult him. He said she used to cry and backdown immediately if i just as much raised my voice at her.

But now she doesn't respect me-her mom fills her head up against me daily- so she refuses to respect any authority or demand or anything from me at all, and even if I'm 100pct on her case one wknd, she comes back 2 wks later just as messed up defiant, bully and angry again. I asked him if he was giving up, because at 10 maybe she can be remedied still?

He pretty much is saying he doesn't see it changing-she lives w/her mom all the time-her mom is exactly like that (but worse) and raises her to act that way and that he thinks it's impossible to reverse that behavior in a few days a month. He said-his mom never changed, just got worse so why would it be any different with her if she's being raised that way? He said he's sure by teen years she will be in a shitload of trouble, he doesn't hold much hope...he said she'll probably be having sex, drugs and being crazy way before your boys ever will that's for sure.

So..I knew he had withdrawn from her but he's in 'I don't really care too much anymore and guess I'm a bastard for feeling that way and I just don't care anymore" says he doesn't really want to deal w/someone elses f'ed up kid-that he doesn't even know who she is anymore-the before the divorce when she was w/him she was very shy and kind and active, ...and now she's this person he doesn't recognize and dreads being around her and his wknds because of the disrespect, bullying, rudeness, hitting, demanding, out of control, all of it.

He said, I know she is hell on wheels and he didn't even like her to be honest-he said he knew it was the best thing as it wasn’t' fair to me or the kids anymore to be bullied and that he will keep her away his wknds. Of course...he then said ..i guess the problem is if we eventually escalate our relationship and move forward then what? I told him, look, we are still aways from that and we'll cross that bridge when it comes. Personally I think if it continues this way once she's a teen she'll probably stop wanting to visit w/him regularly-sad but...you cant' do much if the mom is intent in poisoning the kid against the dad and raising her like satans spawn. Of course then he threw the fact that really since the results of the test he really gave up on putting too much effort anymore.

She had the school call several times because of her bullying a kid, one of her neighbors parents have forbidden her from playing w/their daughter anymore. Of course she has a million excuses for all this...all "misunderstandings, and she really didn't do that". He said she left Sunday saying she never wanted to come back because she hated everyone, and that my boys told her our neighbor girls were pretending to be nice to her (ouch)...so we all suck. Her dad told her-hey if everybody has a common denominator then the problem is you. He admitted and said he saw how she was taunting them, being a bully, pushing limits and that since he sees no way to even correct it that it's best to just do our own thing those wknds.

So...it's a lost cause-I have no intent of trying to "blend" anything. It's sad but it's not looking like things would get any better and he agrees that the boys should be away from that and myself also. I guess for a minute things looked ok and we thought that by showing and having her around a normal two parent figur home w/structure, discipline rules that she would thrive, but that hasn't happened. The disrespect has increased in fact. He said she continues to act exactly like her mom, LOOKING for drama, fights, ready to bring it, never satisfied, never happy w/out intsense drama and hysterics. So ...it's sad but I'm relieved.

Comments

hismineandours's picture

I think you are where I am at. And I think your dh is where mine is. My ss will be 13 in a couple of weeks. I do think my dh has had some guilty parenting issues; however, I also know that sometimes he lets him get away with stuff not because he's guilty but because he literally has no clue how to get ss to change so rather than try and fail he just doesn try at all.

The only difference is my dh will continue to verbalize he is not giving up on ss (alhtough i think in his heart he already has-he has no expectations of him). However when my dh returns in May from military duty and moves into his role as full time dad-ss will not be visiting in our home. Dh plans to take him to our rv parked on his parents land. It is very sad. It is so sad to me that my dh is going to be a stay at home dad-but to my two kids and our one together-not to his son. SS is losing out big time-but he will not alter his behavior. Just refuses-no matter what we have tried over the years. He is so intent on disliking me and the other kids and will just not let go of that for anything.

That being said-inside my greatest fear is that dh will change his mind. Will want him back in the home and then we will have to split up. I cant live with that child and I cant expose my children to him.

Jsmom's picture

I feel so sorry for your BF. We gave up custody of SD14 for the same reasons. Her mom never backed any punishment we gave up. We had 50/50 and she picked arguments and generally made the household miserable. She has been gone for a year now and the fighting left the building. But, it s very sad for my husband. She lives a subdivision away and he has virtually no contact with her. They have had one dinner in one year. She is awful and her mom encourages it.

It has taken my husband a long time to come to peace with this and he still struggles with his decision to not go for full custody. He couldn't win as long as her mom had no rules...

overit2's picture

Yes jsmom, it is so sad. I think he's been coming to peace with it, in fact part of me thinks she may not visit him much anymore after this. Why? Because she will be bored out of her mind just w/him..she NEEDS drama, excitment, fights, she feeds off of it. Once she realizes she's not allowed to come over anymore she will get bored out of her skull and I bet will stop wanting to go. She does not respect her dad at all, all the pas from the mom. I'm sure she feels the emotional distance w/dad and her also now because of it.

I can't imagine having to for my own sanity detach from my kids because of their behavior. We talked some more yesterday-I know he's really hurting about it, he said for sure no vacations w/all of them then -I said, you are right it would be a nightmare for all of us.

Things w/us have been a little weird anyway, this just adds drama but he understands and backs me up but I'm sure it eats at him that I can't tolerate "his bagagge". Well, even he can't!

I mean, really....the thing is in order for her to backdown he would have to literally escalate his discipline in a very big way in order for her to backdown. And where does it end? Because the truth is she almost needs/likes that...he said her mom was that way-would almost get off, would get turned on and loved the adrenaline of fighting, tantrums, taunting, she lived for the reaction, always looking for extreme, increase dramatics...so even negative attention/or strong discipline would be what the girl wants in a way. He's done normal discipline stuff and it doesn't phase her at all, doesn't work-she wants the escalation of yelling and her father losing it on her. It's pretty sick honestly. How do you correct that in 4 days a month? Only to go back to the same behavior Monday for the next two weeks?