Well, it's over
Was new to this site in search of answers to dealing with adult step children. LOTS of great advise. Even as one recent post I read, how many suggest we RUN...run like the wind, there is still a part of us that wants it to work as we love the men.
I only posted in the forum, so my story is there. Went to dinner tonight with the fiance. Met him at a VERY nice restaurant. Brought me lovely flowers. Didn't take long for the SD22 to call. He was brief, but stumbled on his words to what seemed her asking where he was...he stated "I'm just out now." That bothered me. I asked him about it. He became very defense and asked "who do you think I was on the phone with?" I said one of your children. "He then became angry. Said I was confronting him in front of the whole restaurant (??? it was he and I and I whispered to him). Then he went on a brief tyraid of how he didn't say he was with me because he wanted respect my privacy and that she may have a life threatening liver disease...". At this point I had enough. It took all of my wits not to just walk out of the restaurant. First, WTF was he talking about protecting my privacy??? I asked him months ago not to be posting my name and picture all over the internet. He has a nutzo ex and I don't want her to know anything about me. Second, here we go with the drama from the SD22 - NOW she has a life threatening liver disease. Pllleeeaassseee. She hasn't even seen a doctor for this (maybe a clinic) but not a doctor that would be qualified to determine a LIFE THREATENING DISEASE!! So I sat quiet and ate dinner. If he asked a question, I answered it politely. Walked me to my car. I thanked him for a delicious dinner. He said ok. Walked away. Drove home 45 minutes away. No call, no email, no nothing. I'm a talker if you haven't noticed, this was killing me...zero communication.
I called him. He hates talking on the phone, but what other choice did I have? Asked what happened. He said "nothing." I start to explain that maybe he needs to take some time to care for his daughter and get things together for her and he snaps that I hate all his children (not true), and that I think his kids are things I have NEVER said - like whores, sluts, stupid, nothing, etc. I was in SHOCK! All I could say is "What the f*ck is wrong with you? I never said any of those things. I am trying to be compassionate. You're daughter may be 22 but emotionally she is stuck at 11/12 and now she is supposedly ill with a life threatening disease, she is going to need you. She will need you for a long time. I'm a big girl and can take care of myself. Been doing it a long time. He didn't like that. BIG FIGHT and of course he hung up on me. Guess he feels powerful now that he did that...who knows. Oh, and get this, he said I was jealous of his ex! I laughed so hard when he said that. Don't think he liked that either. Not sure if he thought that would 'hurt' me, but is made me laugh out loud! I could NEVER be jealous of a woman that cheated on her husband for 11 years out of 13 of marriage with more men than can be counted, just pure one-night-stands, and then abandon her children to divorce finally and continue the party life, only be a parent when it was convenient, never paid child support for any child, and lied to everyone.....yep, something to be jealous of. Maybe he needs to take a good look at himself and kick himself in the ass for staying with her and now losing out on a GOOD WOMAN!
For all the others going through similar things and are NOT married yet...and we get the advise to RUN...I think we really need to listen to them. They have been where we're at. They too had hope and a big heart that they could "deal" with the steps & ex's. They married. They stayed. They endured hatred, lying, stealing, betrayals, blame, guilt, shame, taken for all their money, all their kindness and compassion...and for what? A man that still allows it to happen for how long now? Where our predecessors fantasize about leaving?
I applaud each and every one of you that have become the step parent and endured or are currently enduring all this. I just can't do this anymore. It takes two people to have a relationship and if I am the ONLY one working on the relationship, any relationship, it will deteriorate quickly. I can't let someone else who claims to love me let me dissenigrate before them. I have my own adult children to love and I think I am worth more that dust to be walked upon. You're posts have been taken to heart. Each read. Each pondered about. I really do not want to be on this site 20 years from now posting on the fantasizing page. (No offense Ladies, I am just learning from your mistakes as you have written - you each say if you had to do over again, you wouldn't. I am listening!)
I'm still sad. Crying. I thought I really loved this guy. Break ups just SUCK!
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I feel so bad for you, and I
I feel so bad for you, and I am sorry, so sorry. You are making the right decision. I am in that stage now, where I know what I should do, but my heart isnt listening. LOVE my boyfriend, cannot deal with his three young adult children. He has a 22 year old daughter too and she is the worst of the three. I totally understand the drama. My bf is really trying to stop enabling, and he is doing great. But....they are getting more and more agitated bc they dont want him with me. They seem his a check only, and their main goal is to keep him from having a life, while they take his money. The texts and emails....constant. I am so afraid he is going to crumble bc I suspect they figure they can keep trying until they send him over the edge.
Your bf isnt ready for a relationship with you, bc his daughter is center stage. Until he realizes that, you are taking a back seat, and you are worth so much more.
Many hugs!
Thank you. At least your BF
Thank you. At least your BF is trying. I don't see any attempts at anything except blame me.
Thanks for the hug, I need it.
Thanks Finey! I will be sure
Thanks Finey! I will be sure to do that....as soon as I stop crying
Here's the deal, though. When
Here's the deal, though.
When you do make the break, and down the road meet someone...and there will be someone.....you'll be so greatful you didn't stay in such an awful existence. What you posted about takes place 24/7 because it's always going on.
The fact that he became so defensive with you is so bad. This was your time, but guess who intruded in on it. BM is a problem, oh boy, those kinds of BM don't disappear but lie awake thinking how and what they can do to make life miserable for everyone.
I can't believe your date even answered the phone, that was so rude. Then says all those ugly things about his kids blaming you for having those thoughts.
You should have told him that if he stopped and thought about it, those were his words. And you are surprised he'd say those kinds of things about his kids and did he really believe it. What father would say those words about his kids?
You thought tonight was bad....be married to that and multiply it tiem 25/7. Oh, and count on having that same conversation over and over and over and over and over...different words maybe, same idea. Never changes.
Can't sleep and was starting
Can't sleep and was starting to cry again, harder this time, and saw your reply to me. Thank you Done with it! My brain knows I did the right thing, my heart is just breaking. Going between anger and sadness. Actually thinking I'm getting angry and then sad at myself for NOT running when I saw the red flags - that I didn't find this site until well after those red flags were a waving. Darn!
Sometimes being caring and compassionate SUCKS! Wish I could turn it off for a bit so I can stop coming up with excuses for the way he is behaving. Lots of men go through 'empty nest' right? Do they tear their girlfriends apart?
I will be sure to re-read your post often - to keep reminding myself...the break up tonight was not as bad a lifetime of a marriage to him would of been.
Grateful for all your replies. They really do help. The tears stop and logic comes right back.
not sure, I wonder if you're
not sure, I wonder if you're crying because more than you being disappointed with a relationship you really wanted to work,....I just can't help but if you're so sad that something that could be so good is ruined by the choices the man did long before you were in the picture.
And those "choices" are always going to be there...kids, the BM. If they were decent, you wouldn't be feeling the way you are now. If they were truly good people, you wouldn't have been mistreated tonight.
I'm just so glad you're strong and smart enough to know that this is not for you. And you just have to believe me that there will be another guy in your life that will make you laugh, that will make your life worth living......there really is someone. There just is.
I feel for you, I really do. Like Finey and the others say, break ups are really rough. Saying good bye is so hard. But you're so smart to walk instead of staying in the relationship where you cry everyday and everynight, that people mistreat you so terribly you think you're going to lose your mind, that people are so hateful ahd hurtful all you can think is to run.
No no honey, get through tomorrow, then take something to sleep through this....pull yourself together Sunday after lunch (if you're not working the weekend) and catch your breath. Monday morning, you start walking tall and be on the "dating circuit" and start looking for someone that's fun. No whining kids calling ruining your time, no crazy exes on the loose. Uh-Uh......you're too good for all that nonsense.
Trust me, quit beating yourself up, be thankful you're smart enough to know when to get out. Lay low for the next couple of days, then get back into life and look for the fun, since you've left the stink-o drag.
You're from NY?? Ah....you
You're from NY?? Ah....you live in one of the most dynamic places on the earth.....you're luckier than I thought.
Is there an animal shelter close where you can volunteer? When you've got time, put on some old clothes and go down and do the animals a favor by just hugging and holding them. You'll do wonders for those little guys and they'll do wonders for you.
Get yourself involved. Do you scuba dive? Water's warm right now, good time to learn. The guys I've seen on dive trips had to have a brain and some money for that sport.
Is there a firehouse/station near you? Bake something for the guys, take it over and be sure and leave your name. Two reasons, if you ever need them, they're already familiair with you and where you live...and you just never know who's single and would like to meet someone special. And that special would be YOU!!!
It amazing. My SO has done
It amazing. My SO has done the exact thing. I tell him SD's shirts are too low and he says I called her a whore. No, those are your words.
You did the right thing. he
You did the right thing. he is really off. Everthing you stated he threw right back at you and being your fault. You will be just fine.
I'd like to make something
I'd like to make something clear about my firehouse post....
there's one right down the way where I live. I use to drop off the cakes from my weekly cake decorating class, then, bake them cookies, once took them down steaks........they all knew me, they all knew where I lived. I was happy with that in case MY HOUSE CAUGHT ON FIRE!!!
Never in a million years would I dream they would be crusing the neighborhood in their fire truck (at that time, they were getting to know the streets...that the only thing I can figure) and they saw me up on the rooftop putting up Christmas lights. They stopped, came over, checked out the ladder I'd climbed, got me to come down, took the ladder and told me to tell my husband to get me a new ladder and for me to never never never climb use that ladder again.
I was too embarrassed to tell them it was a citrus ladder my dad had given me like a 100 years ago,...well, it looked that old.
Anyways, that's what I meant about the guys at the firehouse knowing where you live.....they remember you and I think might be a litle speedier. JMO
Just didn't want anyone to think there was a little hanky panky going on. However, had I been single.............
You are
You are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much better off. If I had to do it over again, NEVER again.
I will NEVER, EVER be with a man with children EVER again! I've learned my lesson. You have too. Look at it as a "teachable moment."
Yeah it sucks, but OMG I WISH I was in your shoes!! I stupidly got myself financially entangled with a biodad that can be very abusive (I did not know this until about five and a half years into the "relationship")
Mr. "I'd never hit a woman" translated into "I'd never hit the mother of my children (TM) everyone else all-bets-are-off"
I should have left YEARS ago but I refuse to take a financial bath again b/c of a man after having two ex husbands who lived off me.
Thank your lucky stars and count your blessings!!