A little bit lost
Hi
This is my first blog (ever!) so bare with me. I'm mainly here to look for advise and rant about things at home.
I have 2 step children and one on the way 
This where I find my problem and what is effecting me at home. I love my fiancee and love/like her kids....,
but I have a deep problem of how they act and behave (towards me and my fiancee (and some other people).
I am not saying that she doesn't take care off them, she does but she hasn't raised them properly. That's what I think, and that's where the problem starts. I can't tell her that and I don't want my child behaving like it's half siblings.
(I do need to say, that I got raised with a firm hard, I got punished if I did something wrong (physical most of the time), I had too respect my elder, my manners where very important (especially table manners, what is my biggest pet peeve) and I had to obey the rules. Up till I was 15 or 16, there was nothing up for discussion. Rules where rules, final. I don't try to be that way, that doesn't always work. But I know that I am not as firm as my father was. But I do think that a child should listen too a parent or guardian. They can have their say, but the parent word is final.)
I have been trying to bring some manners to them over the last year or so, and it is a bit of a hit and miss.
She has starting to give out to me, about how I have been approaching her children (what I clearly understand) but she failing to see for what they really are. I am not saying they are bad kids, but they are kids. They still need to know that there are rules and boundaries and who's in charge.
There has been too many times now that they are playing her, not listing too her, not even slightly, abusing her love to get what they want (and believe me, they get enough. Most of my money goes towards them as well. And I don't just mean materialistic things. My money gets also spent redoing their rooms, holidays, weekend away's, horse riding and the list goes on and on...). This bothers me, because I can see when they are playing her and I know when I'm getting played. But I am not aloud to say anything about. What I do most of the time, until it gets too much for me to bare.
Right now..., I feel like, that I don't know what to do. It feels like, if this goes on, it won't end well.
I really do want to raise our child together. But I can't accept that my child is going to turn out like it's half siblings. There is another fear I have, is that my fiancee wants her oldest too be one of the god-parents. I personally think that's a bad idea. This child (a early teenager) is already mothering everybody around her (even me) and interferes with nearly every conversation I have with my fiance (who would never tell her to stop interfering). I am not ready for this child, who's going to feel like, that she needs to jump in and go against me, when I am raising my child.
I have more to say/rant but after writing this I need to go out....
- KWE1978's blog
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Comments
She needs some parenting
She needs some parenting skills. A great book you should check out is "How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk"
Step parenting for dummies is good as well. I read it the first month I became a step parent.
This is a hard road, take it one day at a time.
"Right now..., I feel like,
"Right now..., I feel like, that I don't know what to do. It feels like, if this goes on, it won't end well. I really do want to raise our child together. But I can't accept that my child is going to turn out like it's half siblings."
What you absolutely must remember to consider while you're mulling things around in your head with all this is what will remain the same regardless what you end up doing. Whether you stay and marry this woman and raise the child in one home together or leave, this woman is the mother of your child. You selected her. These other children are and will always be your child's siblings. If you leave this woman and these siblings will very likely be spending more time with your child than you will be. You need to know what your land's laws are on unwed biological fathers in your area. Your laws and courts will decide on what (if any?) custody of your child you would have and when and how often you would be granted visitation with your child.
What I'm saying your child will be hugely raised and influenced by the child's mother and her older children. If you were to leave you will have less say in how mother parents and no say on how any of the children behave and are raised in her home. So if you don't approve of mother's parenting now is the time to discuss your concerns with her. Can working together in your current home and current situation bring about improvements that both you and she can agree and compromise on?
Quite frankly from your post so far, you've given me the impression your fiancé snaps and you jump. You've opened up your wallet to her and her kids to the point you seem to resent it now. You don't seem to be able to tell your fiancé 'no' or that expenses must be discussed and agreed upon. Does your fiancé work? Does she bring an income into the home? Does she receive child support for her older children from their biological father? Did you happily and willingly promise your fiancé to provide for her and her desire to lavishly spent along with both her children? Because I'm not going to believe she holds a gun to your head and forces you to spend like crazy on holidays, vacations, home remolding, her children's needs and wants blah blah. Nope. I'm not going to believe that at all. So how did it all get to where it is now and your sudden unhappy about it all?
You actually sound like some of the stepmoms who post here or have prior. They come running into a new relationship all charged up to be the best stepmom ever. Knock themselves out doing for and pleasing the kids? Opening their wallets and showering money left and right. Just all around trying way too hard. Then suddenly they look around one day and go 'what the heck happened and how did I get myself into this mess surrounded by all this drama'.
The usual advice to these stepmoms is to disengage and close their wallets. Same applies to you. You said your fiancé's son is 13. Except for perhaps some households rule expectation, I doubt your fiancé is going to change the way she parents him (or lack of parenting him)now. Your DF doesn't want you to 'install' manners in her unruly children. You're fooling yourself if you believe she can not see them as they really are. No. It's actually she accepts them just the way they are. Your fiancé and you do not have the same standards of expectations. The one area of any real hope however would be if she and you could get on the same page on how your/her new baby will be parented and raised. While you need to let her correct and discipline/hand out consequences to her older children.