DH seems a little upset - what do you think?
We've been talking about buying a home at the end of the year. Okay, DH has been pushing for us to buy a home. I'd be happy renting until my bios graduate high school and building a small log cabin with DH but he says we're just throwing money away (Which I can somewhat agree with). He owned a home with BM and this is a big source of pride for him even though it was foreclosed after YSD got sick and BM left him. He literally took me early in our relationship to show it to me and I was like 'This is weird. You used to live with your wife there! Why would you show me that?'
We've been working on our credit scores (I came into the relationship having NEVER had a credit card or financed anything so I had a long way to go) and he had that foreclosure that was taken off in bankruptcy from when he was married to BM. We've been working for a long time. We finally met with a lender last week and they said it's possible but will be tough to get a loan and a good interest rate with DH on the loan. He just switched industries last year and doubled his salary but it's still new to a bank. DH seemed bummed out and a little shocked that the bankruptcy is still following him but yeah, dude. That's what happens.
I went on my own yesterday without telling him and was pre-approved for the loan we want based on my own income and was pretty excited and happy. I was proud of myself. But when I told him, the wind went out of his sails. This guy who has done nothing but focus on owning a home for the past year is all of a sudden not interested in seeing great houses that I found online or information about closing costs - nothing.
I haven't even decided to take the loan on by myself. I just received the pre-approval letter. I could wait a while and add him when he seems more stable to the bank and reapply. But after all this - I'm just a little pissed off that he can't see this for the exciting moment it is because he could potentially be left out off the mortgage. He won't yell or tell me off, he just doesn't want to talk about shopping for a house or anything.
Did I do the wrong thing? I mean is it a man thing? I wouldn't think he'd be prone to feelings of 'pride' as that's not his MO. He's laid back and happy.
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i think it's more a husband
i think it's more a husband thing than a man thing per se. you can do without him. it's nice to feel needed, especially when he's in the role of 'provider' slash head of household.
you said he took great pride in owning a home before so much so that he even showed it to you. why does it strike you as odd now that he's taking it personally? i'm just curious.
to directly answer your question, no, u didnt do anything wrong. but that would not have been the way i personally would have gone about it.
I guess I just thought he
I guess I just thought he would be glad that we could do it after all this time we've been working. I guess that's why I thought he'd be happy.
Also - he's not in the role of the great provider. We are a team. I am the breadwinner. His penis does not designate him head of the household. I don't forwardly say that to him but if it's okay for a man to provide for his family completely, why is it a problem because I'm a woman?
lol@ the penis comment! nah
lol@ the penis comment!
nah darlin', i said that based strictly on *my own* point of view, not necessarily that it's expected for everyone's relationship works that way. my dh takes pride in it, and i feed his ego even tho' we both actually contribute equally in the financial department.
dh knows i am a great provider, and he knows in his head that i dont *need* him. i did just fine before i met him, stable job, practically brand new almost paid in full vehicle, AND my own home. but the way he's built, he WANTS to take care of me, so me being the way that i'm built, i "need" for our life to reflect that because i love him, not because i'm financially dependent. it makes me dh feel good to feel needed in that way, and he feels fulfilled by the way he contributes to the family.
my dh has a hell of a hard shell, but it's a protection cuz he is so soft and vulnerable inside <3
It is a man/ego thing, which
It is a man/ego thing, which is why I'm glad my DH is different from most men. He didn't see it as him not being a part of it just because his name was not on the loan.
He knew he was going to be paying part of the mortgage, that his name would eventually be added to the deed (he didn't want it on the deed at that time, anyway), and that he would be mowing HIS own yard, at HIS own home (also a guy thing).
Besides, being approved on my income only, kept us in line as far as buying what we could easily afford. I made sure the payments could be made on one income, if it ever came to that for whatever reason. Had we been approved on both incomes, it might have been tempting to go a little higher.
Hopefully, your DH will come around. Maybe drive him by some of the houses or something and get his excitement up again.
That's good advice. We were
That's good advice. We were always going to buy below our means. Maybe we'll give it time and see if he can get over this. If not, then we wait.
That's really interesting
That's really interesting that the dynamic changed even in the slightest but I'm glad for you guys!
Going through the same thing
Going through the same thing here!
Except we still are a couple of years away from buying a house together. His credit is CRAP and it will take years to rebuild. He also recently got a home modification loan that is a ding to his credit for the next couple of years.
Because my credit is awesome and my debt/income ratio is awesome, I could get a loan for the house we want by myself. Of course, SO is all butt-hurt about it, and thinks we should pay a higher interest rate just so he can be on the house note, too! Um....NO.
Men and their fee-fees. Meh
Tausha! Thank you! You have
Tausha! Thank you! You have great advice.
I don't want to pay for whatever mistakes he made but I want him to not feel like I'm leaving him behind. There has to be balance. We're not going to pass up a great opporutnity for his pride, you know?
Many men are fearful of successful, driven women. I've been battling it a long time and I know you know what I'm talking about!
I would go ahead and go house
I would go ahead and go house hunting, invite him along of course, but him not attending shouldn't stop you from finding something you could realistically afford on your own.
Absolutely. And yes, be proud of yourself!
Weird. I am in a similar
Weird. I am in a similar situation but my DH is all gung-ho about us getting our house. It doesn't matter to him whether or not his name is on the mortgage. It will still be on the deed/title itself.
Then again, I have practically 100% control of the finances and he likes it better that way.
He actually has better credit than me but has a tough time sticking with one job for more than 2 years.
I think that your DH feels "lesser than" to not have his earning/history go into getting a loan.
The mortgage for our house is
The mortgage for our house is in my husbands name only because I didn't have a credit score or a job at the time. The house however is owned in both of our names. I paid the down payment and all the moving costs etc from my savings.
Do you want the house to be in your name only or is this just a means to an end and you want to jointly own the house? Both options are available from a legal perspective.
It might take him a little time to get over himself but if you are clear with him what your intentions are and that the possibility of you guys moving is real, he may come round to it.