sounds reasonable but are you sure you want to stay with this woman?

I would not bother writing my Ex a new letter to please a jealous current wife, I'm sorry this was my agreement with divorcing and has nothing to do with your current wife, it's not your fault she's not doing anything to get CS from her Ex.

I agree with paying directly for your children and if she can't afford her kids going to private school like yours, it's not your problem.... make this very clear.

Regarding your after CS contributions.... why not simply keep it at what it currently is but instead of giving it to Ex wife or kids, put it in an savings/investment account for college fees or something like that,

and what about the whole thing of when your kids can be over and when not....

Og Gunner - something you forgot....

You last Will and testament - I hope your kids inherits everything you had before marrying this gold digging woman, and no you have no obligation to leave anything for the skids, I would not sell the BM house ever, rather rent it out, it's your kids future... if you sell it current wife will make sure she blows the money.. and your kids have nothing.

I truly think it's time you start acting on your last will and testament... current wife does not even need to know lol

either she's going to get pregnant or you will get some poison, prepare

It works for me and yes, I find fair...however both your wife and many of the ladies here will scold you and rattle on and on about how it changes nothing. Basically the same money, you're just cutting the middleman out of the cash flow. But again, it's what you feel comfortable with and right for your own biological kids.

I've read this site for quite a while. Many would have no problem solely supporting their own bio-kids, some would even help support their stepchildren (or supplement the household bills where DH falls short), but I can't think of any who would gladly support their stepchild over their own child. Not a one. Yes, many who have 'our children' end up supporting all the children one way or the other, but that's not your case.

I would still have a very, very big problem how your wife doesn't want your children there at your home and doesn't feel like your home should be there home but thinks of her children as your children and wants you to support her kids. I think that would be a deal breaker for me. I also would still have issues with how she handles conflict.

What do you think about this counselor, Gunner? Do you like him or her?

First I have a couple questions...what is your visitation like during the school year? I read in comments above that your kids stay with you on school breaks and summer, does that mean they don't visit you at all during the school year? Also, how old are they?

Second, I like your compromises above, I think you're being pretty fair. However, sounds like your ex does not have any housing expenses (you stated that the house she lives in is paid off), receives regular child support from you, and then you also give her an additional $1000 a month on top of that. That seems quite excessive to me, ESPECIALLY during the months that your kids are staying with you in the summer. I like your suggestion to buy extras for the kids directly, and to decrease your extra contribution to $500 and then evaluate again in 6 months if you can decrease again. I don't see a point of you sending any extra funds to your ex during the months that your children stay with you, it is not benefiting them in any way.

Also, I don't think you should base your decision to lower your extra contributions to your ex on your current wife getting CS from her ex.

Has your Ex remarried?

I think you've come up with a great plan. If your wife doesn't change her attitude toot suite after seeing that then, imho, there is no hope. She should come up with something equally transformative in what she has to offer.

You've done great, gunner. This may not be the final plan as it goes into operation (be prepared to tweak a bit if nec), but it is quite close.

Paying the bills directly is definitely optimal. No matter what happens with your current wife, you should keep up that practice. This will have the effect of keeping you closer to your children emotionally because you will have that much more detail about their lives and the other adults in them (school people, etc).

Ok, now I'm off to read the thread. And I commend you for paying attention to the many voices here who nailed this issue and for making the first move for your wife.

I think counseling and working through the anger and hurt feelings is a top priority. To me it sounds like your Wife is upset with you and taking it out on your kids. It is common in blended families for the anger to be misdirected.

Compromise is key and it is sounding like that is what you are doing.

When your exWife renews her lease , you really should add something in there that addresses a SO moving in. If that happens then they as a couple should have to pay something towards the rent. You think your current Wife is angry now ...just wait if it ever happens that your exWife and Boyfriend are living rent free while she helps support your household.

I know you want your kids to live the good life - but what all does that mean to you ? Your exWife lives rent free and works FT. My guess is that if you decreased the extra CS from $1000 to nothing - Their standard of living would not change one bit. Maybe a few less dinners out. Your kids are all old enough to tell you if they need something.

I have to admit, it makes no sense to me why you get so many "what if" scenarios tossed at you. You're doing a whole heck of a lot better than 90% of the fathers that get griped about on this board.

I think you're a good, reasonable man. Your plan is workable but I hate to see you half what they get just to suit the new wife. It's NOT affecting her living situation - in fact, you make her life better and she's chopping off her nose to spite her face, in my opinion.

I say you do what works best for you and your children. You're not fighting and having endless court battles. You're being the better person here and being ragged on for it. Sorry to see that.

Hell, I'll never forget being asked to provide insurance for my step children while their two ABLE bodied LOSER parents sat there being hateful to one another and only NOT insuring their children to get back at the other. I told that attorney it would be a cold day in HELL before I supplied something those two idiots could provide but CHOSE not to. Screw them. As you can imagine, I'm no longer in that situation. You're a good guy. Too many assumptions are being made from where I'm sitting. I deal in reality and facts. It's sad to me that your wife is being like this to your children. Sounds like they aren't bad, messy, or disrespectful = but I wouldn't tolerate someone saying my children don't belong in MY OWN HOME. Forget that.

Hang tough and I wish you the best.

The arrangement vis a vis the house and college, as I understand it, is in his divorce decree. He cannot unilaterally go back and change that. He would have to go to court and I believe his chances would be extremely low. I'm guessing the ex-wife gave up some other marital assets she was entitled to in order to get this arrangement. He would undoubtedly have to cough those up if he were to have any chance of changing the house arrangement. So what would be the point? So hat's done. Over. Finis. No use talking about it.

The other dad should be paying child support. If wife wanted to raise those kids on her own and never ask for cs that's one thing. But she is not only expecting a current husband to help support her kids she is demanding he not even let his own kids in their house?! Insisting she get cs out of her kids' dad is the right and proper thing to do, especially if he is going to make some changes that she wants.

Her desire to not provoke him to want to see them may be somewhat understandable but ultimately it doesn't hold water. That is their dad. They have a right to him, as flawed as he is. It will be tough to see the cycle of excitement/disappointment but that's life. They will have to learn and they will know something about him organically rather than their bm artificially creating some environment where he just doesn't exist.

I do wish people would stop talking about the house/college now. He cannot change it by himself nor without giving up something else. Sending a letter to remind bm to be prepared in X years is a nice gesture and can reassure his wife he is serious about holding to his divorce decree.

Gunner, while I agree that you seem to be doing a decent job of trying to compromise with your wife here, I think you really need to try to see things from her point of view as well.

A couple other posters comment about how you are basically throwing money at your ex, but you have stipulations and rules in place for giving extra money to your current wife now that y'all had a disagreement about a recent vacation. So honestly think, if your ex has free housing, makes about 40K a year, gets child support, you pay for your kids tuition, and any extras they need, what on EARTH is your ex going to use that extra $1000 a month on? I'm not trying to be rude here, but I think it's important that you seriously look at that, is it TRULY going to your kids? You stated above that you don't mind if your ex benefits as well from your money as long as your kids are cared for, if you can afford that, fine, however I think you owe your current wife the same. If that extra $1000 is only benefiting your ex (which I'm sure it is because I don't know what on earth she would need it for) why does your current wife not also get extra money to benefit her and her wants? Whether that's doing extra for her kids or not should be irrelevant.

Your wife sees you giving extras to your ex because it MAY POSSIBLY benefit your children, but now she also sees you taking money away from her (that you had previously provided) because it MAY POSSIBLY benefit her children. That would be a REALLY tough pill to swallow if it were me.

I commend you for going above and beyond to support your children, however if you can afford to basically also support your ex, your wife should feel fully supported as well.

Now on the other hand, I think there are many other issues beyond just money in y'alls relationship. Your children should ABSOLUTELY be allowed in your home during visitation.

After reading this all I can say is thank God I make a good income and have never needed any man to support me and can support my kid on my own whether my ex pats his pittapittance of CD or not.

So if I'm remember this right, she wants you to only pay for CS for your kids and nothing else. So that means all the private school would fall on your ex to cover, while you subsidize a portion of your skids tuition. Not only that, she doesn't want them around for prolonged periods of time, like your summer visitation. But she still wants you to keep providing the same level of support and comfort to her and her kids. Yea no, I certainly see errors of judgement from both of you but she basically demanded you cut your kids out of your life because she can't handle the stress of them being there. Big deal, you deal with her kids living with you full time. Snowflake will survive.

And while I don't agree with sending the extra money to ex in a way that you do, it would be a cold day in hell before I would agree to my salary going to provide a much better home and lifestyle to my SK's than my bios.

I think your list is a good starting point. I'd discuss it with her and see what she brings back to the table.

Gunner - by now you have received scads and scads of advice (plus a little extra). There is always more to the story here and nothing is EVER just black and white. I think it is unreasonable for Wife to require your children (that you are paying for), to not be with you - its only partial time, she needs to suck it up and work on your relationship and her communication/coping skills.

Trying to maintain that balancing act, and it sounds like you are, is going to be tough, but if its worthwhile to you, then keep pushing through. Ultimately, if it was meant to work out it will. Maybe I sound a little "out there", but I believe that we can push and work, and fight, and push some more, but if its not going to work out, its not going to work out - but, as my mother likes to say "all you can do is your best".

I cannot make judgments about that "extra $$$ you give above CS that is going I don't know where...", all I can say is that from my experience, ANY extra SO hands BM, unless it is not SPECIFICALLY for children, I get peeved about.

When we first started our relationship, and BM was getting used to not being able to mooch any more, or come over and eat, SO would drop milk, cereal and groceries off at her apartment. I was ok with it, because of the CHILDREN. Well the children reported that BM was in fact eating all the food, they got none of it. She has a live-in boyfriend now who buys food and sundry. So that's my experience. Because our finances are a LITTLE tight, I would get really upset with SO handing $1,000 cash to BM, for, oh, WHATEVER. Just because they had children together does not give carte blanche for spending, esp if the kiddos are not DIRECTLY benefiting.

BUT, my SO does not pay child support at all, and very low alimony. We live in a 3-bedroom/2 ba house with yard space, BM lives in a 2-bedroom/1 ba apartment. The youngest sleeps on a nice big couch at BMs, because the eldest took over the extra bedroom, trashes it, and never comes out. However, just after HS graduation, Eldest was told bedroom is now going to Munchkin, so she is now with us full-time, no job, no license and dirty as heck. We do not ask BM for anything extra.

But, because the lazy Eldest is his child, I am forced to put up with her being a mooch, not helping, loafing around, watching tv, being a jerk with all types of attitude and she can eat my food, without helping clean or prepare. That's my deal. He puts up with it because its his child, he has never had to pay child support towards her, or Munchkin. He pays for many things, above and beyond the 50/50 agreement, and it works out the best way - we can afford our life, and nothing really changes. I pay my own way, I work full-time, and contribute, but he basically pays for majority.

However, we are not a blended family. I think you are reasonable in expecting your wife's ex to pay something and contribute something - all you can do is ask. I don't understand why it is ok for you to shoulder the costs of children that aren't yours, if the Bio father is able and willing to. But you don't know yet, what he is willing/able to do yet, because he was never asked.

I tend to be a sort of "herding dog" type - SO was separated not divorced when we started our relationship, and during the course of the last few years, he has completed the divorce and we have a basically decent life. We can build something together.

Is the person you are currently married to, wanting to build a life with you, as an equity partner? Then she will stop playing games and learn how to communicate with you. This is the underlying issue. She has anger frustration and resentment, and is bottling it up and of course it sounds like she is ready to burst. We don't even know.

Keep us posted.

By the way, Gunner, I think it is a wonderful plan to have her go after child support from the father of her kids. It will be good for them to know he contributes to their support. At some point there will be pain over lack of contact from their bio Dad. You don't want your DW to get blamed for that by them when they are teens, when they miss him and misguidedly through their feelings at her.

If it allows them to re-engage with Dad on some level, that would be good. If he just pays and doesn't re-engage, that is ok too. If he doesn't pay willingly and the state goes after him for money, that's not great. But at least then there is an order that he should be paying his obligation.

On your wife's student loans... When I married my DH, I was on an income-based repayment plan. My student loan payment skyrocketed because of my DH's high income. Is that also happening with your wife's student loans? If so, take that into consideration when you talk about her student loans and her paying for them. If marrying you means her student loans cost more, it's because the government expects that your income will contribute to paying them off, whereas if she were single they would understand that her income isn't sufficient to pay them completely without some reduction in payment.

Just keep that in mind. I think you are on the right track here, keep it up.

Finances will usually be an issue in a any marriage and almost always be one in a 2nd marriages when there are step kids.

As in almost all situations , 1 person is better off than the other and by being together someone benefits more financially.

I know in my situation , I am the breadwinner and I own the house. My SO and his kids gets a TON of financial benefits just by living with me. I have made it very clear to SO that anything I choose to pay for is 100% my choice and don't ever expect me to pay just because I can. I also benefit by my SO being here ( NOT talking about sex lol ).

Love is not about how much money someone has and what they spend on you. Money can bring financial security and that should make a marriage stronger. Gunner's Wife benefits a lot financially by being married to him, just as Gunner gets different benefits from her ( NOT talking about sex ). She does work , but receives no CS. In one way or another , Gunner helps support her kids. I understand her resentment of all Gunner does for his exWife even though he claims " it's all for the kids ". I feel Gunner needs to take a long hard look at that extra $1000 and how much it is really costing him. I do think ( as others have said ), a big part of the issue is that his Wife wants to feel more important than the cheating exWife.

Gunner's Wife can not tell him his kids are not allowed to be in their house ( which he owns ). Unless they are destructive / deviant little monsters - then I could understand.
StepMoms tend to have it harder. Moms in general tend to NOTICE everything any kid does. I know my SO drives me nuts when he seems to just be oblivious to what his kids do. Maybe Gunner's kids are messy and he just doesn't see it and brushes off his WIfe when she brings it up. I have a feeling 3 teenagers are very messy and disruptive at times.

I hope that counseling helps. Gunner really seems love his Wife and she probably loves him as well. But it takes far more than love to make it work. You guys need a reset and to work on compromising and communicating. And as someone else said - take a kid free vacation to re-connect. work on being friends and partners again.

Such an absurd story.

Gunner I wish you the best.

**I hope that you run a check on your step kids bio dad. I would wager a bet that he is not so bad after all. YOU, Gunner just have a larger wheel barrel of money**

Gunner, maybe you should just flat out ask your wife if she hates your kids bc of the financial situation or if its just bc they exist.

Since that is what everyone thinks is the problem, and you never once stated that she is upset about money, you need to find out what if that is really the problem.

She doesn't want CS from her EX. She doesn't want her kids around her EX. Maybe she just feels that your kids bust the 'one big happy family' bubble she is existing in and you are the Daddy.