I blew it!
I've been under a ton of stress at work lately -- I work for an incredible jerk. He owns the company, and so there's no "HR" to complain to. Besides, it's just... a steady stream of intimidation and humilation. I've lived through the same situation before, and the hours/commute/pay is good. In my line of work, it could be better, but it could also be a lot worse. So I really need to stay put for a while, but it is sometimes very costly, emotionally and psychologically.
For example, yesterday, a trade publication with whom we advertise screwed up a full-page ad worth about $3000 -- when my boss saw it, he went THROUGH THE ROOF! He was about ready to walk me out the door when the publisher admitted the fault was in the printing process, not the artwork I submitted. My hide was saved, but the as&*^&%^ never even acknowledged the distress he put me through. He just skulked off and hid out the rest of the day. It was like, "And let that be a lesson to you!" Huh?????
I went home knowing that it was time to either walk away from this unhealthy environment, or try to talk to my boss to see if we can't find a more effective way of communicating. I'm going to do that today. He may find the whole idea of my seeking a better understanding of his expectations so threatening that even if I handle myself well, it may all go horribly wrong. Then I will find myself on the brink of divorce AND unemployed. Yippee.
Meanwhile, I worked out last night, and when DH got home, I asked him to pick up some dinner because I was about out of my mind with stress. He did, and then he poked his head in our bedroom where I was trying to hide to announce dinner was ready. Well, I knew I wasn't up for the babble and attention-seeking behavior of the skids, but I went down anyway, thinking if I felt my temper starting to fly, I'd just leave.
Sure enough, Skid 1 was babbling about her favorite reality TV program, and DH and I were sort of quietly sitting back and just letting her ramble about this drivel. She started bitching at us for not paying sufficient attention, and so I just said, "I'm going to have dinner upstairs now." She launched into me, and I finally went nuts.
"Look, Sister," I said, "I almost got fired today from the gig that will pay for YOUR college. Give me a break." She gave me more lip, at which point I said, "Let's get one thing straight --I don't give a GD about the crap you spend 3 hours a day watching on TV."
I stormed off and finished dinner upstairs with about a half bottle of wine.
My husband talked to me later about my job stresss, but when I said I wasn't ready to talk to the skids until I could say something nice, he came down really hard on me for losing my temper. And I fired back that HIS children were selfish, self-absorbed, spoiled, over-indulged and unappreciative. Hell, they didn't even SHOP for him for Christmas with the money I provided for that purpose! Forget saving their generous allowance to buy something small for each of us -- that would have meant so much to us that they made a very small gesture to show their appreciation of everything we have done and do, every day. We rescued them from hell, and all they do is whine and ask for more, more, more.
(This is how they "shopped" for their Dad for xmas: I sent them some suggestions for their father from Amazon, and one of them did choose the gift she liked for him. The other one NEVER EVEN ACKNOWLEDGED OR PARTICIPATED IN PICKING OUT A GIFT FOR THE FATHER WHO HAS GIVEN UP SO MUCH TO TAKE THEM OUT OF THEIR CRAZY BM'S HOUSE AND GIVE THEM A NICE HOME. I handed her the stuff and told her to wrap it up as if she actually had at least picked it out. What a little toad.)
I love my husband, and 80% of the time, I'm okay with being a stepparent. I never had kids myself, and I never wanted them. Now I am raising someone else's kids, and the self-discipline and commitment that takes just about kills me sometimes. I don't know if you can really even BE a parent if the most commitment you can muster is 80%.
I think the cat is out of the bag for everyone at home. Despite the fact that I can be generous, kind, and tolerant toward them... I just hate living with the skids. They aren't nice people, they are teenagers, and not even particularly well-adjusted or pleasant ones that. All I want is for them to go away so DH and I can get back to the fun and romance of our first year without them.
People say, "Oh four more years, and they'll be gone off to college," etc. Let's get real -- these people are going to be an integral part of my life as long as I am with my husband, and they will NEVER forgive NOR forget that although I gave them all the perks of having a mother, I did not act like a real mother, and I did not truly love them. I can treat them with respect (mostly) and occasionally with friendship, but I cannot pretend that I don't desperately wish for them to go back to their BM (if only she were sane/healthy enough -- she's not. Crazy as a loon.)
So, I blew it. With my actions toward them last night, there's no pretending that I just momentarily lost it and I actually DO love life with the skids. It was not about just having a bad day. They know, and I surely know, if I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't have taken this role on. I resent their intrusion into our life, and despite counseling and everything else, I cannot get over my resentment. This doesn't make me a good person, I realize. But I can't seem to do anything about it -- I'm sick of trying.
I love my husband, but I don't know if I can stand another day of his little princesses. I've tried and tried, but I just don't really like these people very much! My whole life away from work is totally wrapped up in what is going on with them. My husband steal a few moments here and there, but it's not enough.
I'm thinking about just going away somewhere for a couple of days to get my head together. I'd hate to leave my husband and our beautiful home, but I don't know if I can stand another minute in the company of these spoiled, self-righteous little monsters.
What to do, what to do. I will have to start by apologizing for acting so badly as I left the dinner table, but there is no use in pretending anymore. The ruse is up, you might say.
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Job Surprise
I asked Evil Boss if I am being "effective" -- surprise, he said yes! I think he liked it that I asked -- plays to his whole Evil Empire thing with him as Lord Vader at the center! So at least my job situation looks secure for the time being -- makes me feel less desperate and trapped, all around.
I will apologize for blowing my stack in a way that I can't validate. I value self-control and hope to model that. But I am really sort of glad that I finally admitted that I don't want to spend the first 10 minutes of every meal talking about "America's Next Top Model" (gag!)
I talked to my husband at lunch to let him know how it went. We had a pleasant conversation, and then I let him know that I may spend a couple of nights getting my mojo back at a hotel this weekend. I admitted, I don't have much in the way of perspective.
While it's tempting to tell him to take the monsters and get lost, I like the idea of getting away myself. They would look at the whole thing as a lark -- another perk for being so freakin' "loveable" to their dad.
I think Dad and skids need to realize -- they ain't so frickin' loveable. I'm willing to shell out for a hotel for two days to show it.
I wouldn't say you blew it... and...
I think it's really important to look deep within ourselves as Step parents and try to figure out if we do love them. I have been thinking about this a lot lately with my own SD. You can love someone and like them not at all. It's true. I have that with my own father, who also likely has a mental problem (he's a hoarder, big time- like the kind of people you see on Oprah getting help for it.) We argue at every family function until I realize that I've taken his bait, and then I walk away from him rather than argue.
So my relationship with him helps me to realize that love and like are two very different things. Another example I can give is my sister just sent a note to all of us that she will no longer invite her grown son to our family gatherings, though we are welcome to invite him. He has a drug problem (as does his father, whom my sister divorced when my nephew was around 6.) She said, "To preserve my mental health I am limiting my interaction with my son." This was so hard for her, but she has stood by him for countless trips to rehab and she finally had to reach a place of letting go of her attachment to how he turned out.
This helps me tremendously with my SD too. I can love her, but can do so at a distance, which she has pushed me to. I also understand your feelings of not being able to wait til your H's kids are older and out- I can't wait for that for all our kids (I have two sons as well) to be out of the house and my H and I can settle down to parent our daughter without all the other drama. I really wished for another child with my husband, I think mainly because I just want that "normal" nuclear family experience and know that we'll never have it. We will go from blended to only child. It will be a strange transition.
Please be easy on yourself, and try being a little patient with yourself. You are in an unnatural situation, and dealing with teens who are ungrateful (and believe me they are not just that way because they're your SK's - almost all teens are these days.)
Here's a question for you...do you really want to love them and connect with them? Because you can if you want to, BUT that doesn't mean you have to like them!
Peace, love, and red wine
Love? Like?
I'll have to think about it. I do like the notion of "love at a distance" hee hee. The greater the distance, why, the more I think I could love them!
(Sorry -- not trying to diminish the situation with your nephew which sounds terribly traumatic. I support your sister completely in finding a safe distance for herself. If she keeps getting hurt by her son, all that happens is that she keeps getting hurt. Nothing changes, in spite of her best intentions. All she can do is live her life for herself and try to be happy.)
I work on loving the girls and connecting with them. But they were raised to value the weirdest things! It's so different from my practical, frugle upbringing! I'm sure I was a pain in the butt as a teen, but there was never-EVER any doubt about who ran the household and what sorts of behavior would be tolerated. This topsy-turvey thing where it's all about stroking them and keeping them happy just seems... way out of balance. Geez, if we go see a movie, and they like it, I can't even really say, "I thought it wasn't that great." Or they act like I'm beating them with a belt or something! Sheesh!
They are turning into little bullies without any respect for their parents. Why would they respect us? We (particularly DH) are a couple of total wimps...
Culture of entitlement
SD actually told her shrink that we're mean parents because we're too strict (ie that is we have rules.) Then she went on to say later, "We aren't afraid of you because we know you can't do anything to us....what consequences can you give me? Ground me? I don't care. Take away my gameboy? I don't care."
The shrink was appalled. I wasn't surprised. My dad had a belt. Now it sounds like abuse, but you know what? I don't remember it ever being used on me. A few times with my brothers maybe, but they were very defiant. So if any of us were acting up, my dad would start to take off his belt and we STOPPED in our tracks.
My teachers all had paddles. They hung where you could see them, and occasionally they were used in front of everyone. I NEVER acted up in class because I feared both the pain and humiliation of that paddle. I don't believe it was abusive, though I'm sure that there were some parents and teachers who abused it.
Society dictates what constitutes abuse, and right now we parents have been told to never strike our children. In some places of the world we could go to jail for spanking them. On the flip side, we're not given ANY other equally impressive consequences for parenting. It sucks. Time out? I mean REALLY. Big deal. My oldest son refused to do it so he did get spanked occasionally, but always with great pains to "discuss" his behavior first (not happening when I was a kid, I'll tell ya.) My younger son and youngest daughter do it without question. But they are also calm, patient, responsible children (yes it's the 10 and 2 year old- I can already tell.) The older two? Could care less if we're angry at them, SD in particular b/c she now knows the CPS/ family court deal. She knows if her dad loses his temper we'll be in court the next week. Funny though that didn't happen when her mother hit her. I was told by more than one professional along the way, "We can't tell a mother how to discipline her child."
So I think this "talking to" our kids when they're in trouble, as well as many parents treating them like their adults who can be reasoned with, along with all this focus on materialism by EVERYONE around them...has created this culture of entitlement. We can't win.
Peace, love, and red wine
I couldn't have said it better myself!
You stated it perfectly! I totally agree with you. I can't believe my eyes when I see parents kissing their kids' asses. It really disgusts me.
Our therapist told me that parents not disciplining their children is actually a very selfish act. The parents don't discipline b/c they don't want to experience the guilt of discipling so they let the kids run free. To not parent is actually very selfish act and in reality sets the kids up for failure as adults.
I said "no" to my mom once
I said "no" to my mom once and suffered the back of her hand across my face. I never said no again.
Kids don't fear discipline cause they know they can call the police. Heck, they're even told in school to call the police if their parents ever hit them. I once had a neighbor who's son told her if she ever hit him he would call the cops. She told him to make sure his second call was to the coroner, cause he was gonna need it!
Here-here!
I am relieved to hear other parents feel this way. We were spanked or otherwise punished physically, but I don't think most of our parents were abusive. I think our society has taken an extreme turn around in the wake of Dr. Spock and others insisting that children can be reasoned with. Anyone ever watch the Supernanny show? Those kids are TERRIBLE. They all need a swift spank on the behind!
My oldest son refused to do time out. So I did spank him. But he didn't care about that either. Two things worked- soap in his mouth, and an ever so light slap on the cheek when he smarted back to me. He would always get this stunned look on his face and then change his tune.
Now...if I raise my hand he jumps. But not without a "God Mom...you make so much out of everything..." etc etc etc. He still is talking as he is high-tailing outta my way. Can't stop arguing to save himself.
Peace, love, and red wine
We were spanked
We were spanked when we needed it, and not one of us died as a result. Our self esteem has not been crushed. We all grew up to be decent, hard working people.
I often hear people quote that passage from the Bible "spare the rod and spoil the child." These dolts think that's what you're supposed to do...don't spank them, but spoil them instead. NOT! What it truly means is that IF you spare your children the rod (or the wooden spoon) your children will most certaily become the spoiled, selfish brats we see running the show today!
I dont think you need to
I dont think you need to apologize.. My mom used to say to me when she came in the door.. and I started rambling about nonsense.. " I just got in from work.. I havent even taken my coat off.. GO SIT DOWN" I eventually learned to let my mom have time to decompress from coming home from a very VERY stressful job.
You need time to decompress.. there is nothing that says that drivel is what you need to listen to every night... It wasnt like she was saying she was depressed and going to take her life and you were tuning that out.. you were tuning out a verbal rerun of daytime tv...
Your dh should cut you more slack and be thankful for the things you do for him. He should also support you in making a decision regarding your job.. not one that just financially benefits the family.. but in getting a job that would eleviate the stress in your life.
Sometimes He's Thankful
Yeah, we all need time to decompress. I appreciated the story about your mom.
I wondered why in the hell (when I got up to just quietly leave and Skid 1 started her thing) my DH didn't say, "Stifle it! Let her (me) go and shut up!" But no -- he had to act as if the whole thing were all my fault! I didn't start it! I was trying to make a clean getaway and keep my cool! I knew I was within seconds of saying things I'd regret! Sometimes he is sooooo slow on the uptake, I can't stand it!
The kids have already been home (via bus) for an hour by the time we get home. They load up on tivo programs and then rehash them at dinner. It isn't always that bad, but they were being real twits last night, right in the middle of my personal meltdown.
I'm hanging on to the job. If DH doesn't reel in the wildcats, I've got to have a sense of my own stability... I have no interest in becoming a martyr in the cause of two self-centered kids with an over-inflated sense of their own specialness. It will get better, or I will walk. I'm not going to spend 4 years of my life being miserable because my husband didn't get the memo about the disappearance of his balls.
You make me laugh!
The memo!!! LOL!
Hang in there count2ten...take a deep breath, go enjoy your gettaway, and think about your future and what you really want to do.
I love my ss at a distance...I just don't like who he is growing up to be. I hope and pray he reads the handwriting on the wall and becomes a better person one day. Luckily, his mother gets to have custody.
Candice
Four-Star Hotel
Well, it doesn't solve everything, but it gives me a weekend to anticipate.
I just booked myself (alone) a room at a 4-star hotel downtown for the weekend. Woohoo!
DH and skids can all enjoy each other's company while I visit a couple of musuems, eat out, watch TV in my own suite and probably find someplace to get a massage. My neck is terribly painful from all the stress!
I need a little pampering away from all the gimme gimme gimme. I'm excited! I may even get lonely enough that home starts to seem a lot more workable. I sure hope so!
I'm having the same weekend....
enjoy, enjoy, enjoy....
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
Have a great time... Do get
Have a great time... Do get a massage.. and even a facial.. dont forget to pamper the toes and nails while you are at it.
My DH would have a fit if I up and left him w/the skids for a weekend. We get them EOW and he feels its important to BOTH be there.. Whatever.. I am sooo getting over that. LOL
Have a great weekend.
I wonder sometimes if our
I wonder sometimes if our DH's just think that we would just step right into being the skids mother without blinking an eye. I think men sometimes think we have this overwhelming desire to be mothers no matter whose kids they are. I don't know where they get these ideas from.
I don't have kids of my own so when I married my husband I didn't know what to think or do when it came to the skids. They are good kids (thank gosh) but that doesn't mean you are an automatic mother and the world is all good. It wasn't until I got some professional help that I was able to tell my husband that look these are your kids not mine, your ex not mine and you will need to take responsibility for them. The best feeling in the world wasn't just saying this outloud to him but actually believing these words and not feeling guilty about it. So don't feel guilty.. this is your life..I hope you have a really good weekend..Enjoy
Cruella Time
That's a very good idea, about going somewhere after work. When my DH was going through the worst of his stuff, we came up with a "code word" and if he said it, that meant he needed time to decompress from work before dealing with stuff at home. He'd go out in the garage and piddle and I'd keep myself and the kids occupied elsewhere while he got himself centered, and then he'd be fine. Thirty minutes to an hour when he had a bad day at work or if something was bothering him, he'd go out and decompress before facing the rest of us and it really did make all our lives better. His drive home from work only took him about ten minutes and that wasn't enough. Sometimes you need some time to make that transition from work Cruella to home Cruella. Even if it's something as mundane as driving through Sonic for a smoothie or stopping at a store just to browse for a few minutes before you go home, it can really make a difference. Everyone needs time to recharge and refresh. If you need some time to put your game face on before going home, then make it. Thirty minutes or so won't kill anyone.
~ Anne ~
"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook
I BLEW IT RESPONSE
You do not have to apologize for anything! Your husband is the first person to show a strong unity with his wife! The stepchildren learn to get stability from the model and example of the parents. If your husband is allowing this behavior to continue and not hold the stepchildren accountable and responsibe for their rude and selfish behavior, he is crippling them for life and preparing them for prolonged adolescence. In other words, these stepchildren of yours will be 25 years old someday and behaving as if they were still 17 or 18 years old! Your husband will continue to play savior and the consequences will eventually cost you financially because your husband will still feels he is financially responsible for for stepchildren who are 18 or older. If I were you, I would not spend one red cent on their college education. Why should you spend money on a person whom does not respect you nor appreciate the sacrefices you making in this relationship. You are a human being. Let your stepchildren know that you will not be financially responsible for them after high school or as soon as they turn 18. Let them go grow up! Tell your stepchildren to come see you when they are 25 years old to see if they have learned some sense, and if not, tell them to come back again at 33 years old, and if they have not learned sense and responsibility by 33 years old, good writtance for life! If you are still married to your husband, this is the route to take because this is a similar situation I am in with my wife and her rude kids!