what is a person to do?
Please help : I was told i have no rights calling the kids bm and asking questions like: would it be okay if I" and so on , i thought i was being considerate calling and asking what she thought but i guess form the response i got "i shouldn’t call her and ask her things concerning the kids " "they are her's and my husband kids not mine and hers" not that i came off as they were my kids but i do know i am a legal guardian to those kids and care for them very much. She "BM" can talk to me when she wants something from me. or has to go somewhere and needs a sitter" from my understanding i am there when she feels i should be... to put it in a nice way "to pick up her slack" and not that it bothers me at all. i mean like when she says "i am playing mommy with her daughter" No i most certainly am not! but i am caring for her and doing the things a mother should with their child. my SD lives with me and my husband and of course i do homework, cook, clean, care for and not to forget play with her like a mother should but i do not consider that "playing mommy" i think i am just doing the natural thing a parent should for a child and with her not in the picture i feel i am the one to care for her. when her father is at work. I spend the most time with her between her father and mother... please help me and sorry if i bored you with my story.
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what goes on in ur home is none of BMs business
especially if y'all have custody...u dont need her permission and she doesnt want the heads up. i know u think youre doing the considerate thing but alot of BMs dont see it like that. i would say if shes the "mom" then why is the kid living w u and not her. dont involve her in anything anymore and let ur hubby deal w her bc u dont have to. all u have to do, if u choose, is help take care of the kid when shes w u. good luck!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
August2308 says thank you
August2308 says thank you very much you have definitely put me at ease
The problem you are having is TMI IMHO.
August,
In this case too much information is causing an issue with the BM. You do not have to inform her or ask her opinion of anything that occurs in your home whether SD is impacted or not.
What happens at Dad and SM's is the business of Dad and SM just as what happens at BioMoms is the business of BioMom.
In the case you describe being too nice has come back to bite you.
So, in the future. Don't ask BM her opinion just do what you think is best and work it out between your husband and yourself.
Good luck and best regards,
thank you very Insightful
thank you very Insightful
I agree
You don't specify what you are asking BM about. I would say, if you want to get SD's hair cut or her ears pierced, then yes BM deserves some input (in my opinion). But your husband needs to approach her about it, not you. Otherwise, your house, your rules. Do what you want with her when she's with you.
i dont think even that
needs to be discussed, especially since SD lives w them and BM is apparently hostile. do the BMs tell our DHs when they are getting hair cut or ears pierced and give them any say in what goes on w stuff like this? mine doesnt. she does what she wants w her since DH is "just a part time parent"...
if u have a good relationship w BM and she is a civilized being, then by all means!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
BMs sure don't!
My SDs BM had my SDs hair cut 1 week before my wedding! SD was the flower girl, and wanted her hair cut. So BM took her in a cut is right at the ears! SD could barely put her hair behind her ears it was so short!
I knew BM did this on purpose to try and upset me. And since SD9 tells BM EVERYTHING and lies as well I used it to my advantage. I told SD I loved the cut and it was perfect for her dress. That now we would not have to worry about her curls coming out. SD went straight back to BM to tell her how happy I was about the cut!
I wasn't, SD looked dumb with her hair so short--it had no style to it. But I was not going to let that ruin my wedding nor let BM think she bothered me.
If you are the primary caretaker I won't call BM about anything. She is just mad becuz you get to do all the things with her daughter that she wants to. Too bad for her!
I agree and disagree
My kids SM got BD's hair cut right before school started. I was pretty ticked because I was trying to grow it out so I could put it up for our wedding. I wish she would have consulted me first. However, I didn't say anything because he is their father and he can get them a haircut if he wants, even if I don't like it. That's some of the control I gave up when I divorced him, I guess.
Ear piercings are a whole other story in my opinion, but that's just my opinion. I try to discuss the big stuff with XH and SM, but we get along just fine. Anything regarding SD, I leave up to H to take care of. If it's something I would want to be consulted on as a mother I'll mention it to DH and let him make the decision. If I feel like it's no big deal, I'll just do it. BM gave up some control when she divorced him, just like I did w/ my XH.
We have a 50/50 custody agreement so I feel some responsibility to her, just to be considerate. If we had full custody, I'd probably worry about it a lot less. It sounds to me like she's disinterested and just looking for an excuse to not be "bothered" to have to deal with her child. I'd be thrilled if BM said that about SD. DH feels the need to consult her on every freaking detail imaginable!
I myself would not contact
I myself would not contact the BM, if you have a question or something.. get the answer from DH, or make the decision yourself,
,,when the SD is with you, you are taking care of her and the only one you should answer to is your husband. He can talk to BM if she has a problem with something pertaining to your time with the child.
Don't get involved with her, it will only give BM the opportunity to hurt your feeling or try to pull her weight around. This is the most frustrating thing about being a stepmom, the lack of respect you get, and when the skids are with you, you have the bulk of responsibility.
I would never ever call BM...or let her know what your are doing.
The only time we inform or contact BM is an emergency, other then that its Dad weekend.
okay for instance today my
okay for instance today my SS's school called he needed consent to go rock climbing with his school and was leaving soon for the trip they had called me to ask if it was okay for him to go but. i stated i would rather not give a yes or no because of his BM "they could not reach her" so they called here.*
*** my SS lives with his BM and is here every other weekend or when we go pick him up through the week. which we do very often "he was here last night for instance" and my Husband drove him to school this morning. my SS & SD go to different schools and his is on the north side of the city we live on the south. Traffic is crazy in the mornings but it dose not bother us to take him over. We love it when he is here.
**** Is this right for a mother to allow her 10 year old son to listen to Eminem, ice cube, snoop dog...ect
play grand theft auto "he has all the games" we do not allow those in our house we feel it is to old of a game for a 10 year old to play.
she allows him to walk the city streets alone. not knowing where he is most of the time i mean my SD school is 5 min walk to our house but we will not let her walk home from school alone...
the list goes on and on i am sure you will hear more from me..
You can only have control of
You can only have control of what goes on in your own home, This is the same frustration all Stemoms feel.
The things that happen in BM house is not in our control, unless you feel like it is not beneficial to the child and hurting them ,,,then are you ready to go to court to get full custody and prove all this?.
If you are the legal guardian, most stepmoms are not, then you can give permission, but other then that his father needs to give permission for most thing.
once i marry the kids father
once i marry the kids father doesn’t that make me their legal guardian? All so if they are living with me? if not then what the hell am i to them? a easy way out for their mother? i am sorry it frustrates me things about her .. like she says i am legal guardian when she needs something. its not right. but there is nothing i can do about it. i just feel i am at a loss when it comes to the role i play in the kids life. all the responsibility but none of the credit not that i want it .. i guess it would be nice to hear a thank you now and again.
Mmh...
Join the club, hon. I can guarantee you that almost all of us have felt that way. We are expected to treat the skids like they are our own... but when it comes to discipline, we have no credit as a parent and are butted out of it. And it is frustrating and upsetting because it does make you feel used.
Trust me.
I have been waiting for SD8 to say thank you for one year now.
Have I heard it yet?
Nope!
A lot of us choose to disengage... and you may or may not want to go that route. For me it works because SD8 is not my responsibility so why the heck should I take care of her like she is? It relieves me of stress, anger, and a bunch of other negative feelings.
August...
it sounds like you have a loving, nurturing home for those kids, and correct me if I'm wrong, a mutual "happiness" in general. You have come to a point in your life as a SM that you need to define your role for yourself. It really sounds more simple in writing than in practice, but here are some things that I have learned....
1. They are not your kids, you know this, BM knows this, and kids know this...but the kids want the love as if they were, and BM wants you to pretend that your not being a "mommy"
2. Your DH has to deal with BM, you do not. You can choose to, but I can promise that at some point you will be accused of overstepping your bounds. Keep it cordial, and let your DH run interference. I know you want things to be amicable, but they are only that way in a perfect world.
3. Love those kids.. show them you care, but do not sell yourself short to the point that you are the sole caretaker and feel so put upon that you are miserable. DH must pitch in!
4. Be the "good guy" if at all possible, you are not hitler in your home... if you must discipline be careful about it. Bio parents have the undying love of thier kids, we must earn it... and maintain it!
Thats all I can think of for now.. the rest of the posters will have very valuable info for you!!!
why
"once i marry the kids father doesn’t that make me their legal guardian? " Why would you think that? The child has 2 parents that are going to make his decsiions. Your H can sign a legal document, get it notorized, stating that you can sign for treatment in an emergency if he is unavailable.
she probably
thinks that because she is new to this mess and really doesnt know! I feel for you hon!! Its so hard, and not many of us had any idea of what we were getting into when we signed up for this.
your right i had no clue
your right i had no clue what i was getting into i pondered this situation for 3 months before i even starting dating their father. and i guess still i didn’t know what was coming to me
again thank you for all your thoughts and comments.
please read my other blog to
please read my other blog to see what i am going through. it might give you a better understanding of our situation
So...what I think...
I think it IS between the parents. The kids ARE their reponsibility. Not yours. I think it's grand if you are willing to help out and do all the things a mother does in your home.
It's all a balancing act.
I disagree with anyone who says that EITHER parent should not partake in a major (or somewhat major like haircuts and ear piercing) decision in the kids life. BOTH parties need to respect the other and just because one decides not to, doesn't mean the other should participate in the same way. My skids BM is the biggest pain in the arse I've probably ever encountered in my life...that doesn't give me a pass to toss aside what's right and get even. I'll treat her with respect for the simple fact that I should (sans the drunken Christmas night...but hey we ALL make mistakes) and the kids deserve the good example.
On the other hand you don't have to be completely enmeshed either.
If your kids BM is insisting that you stop playing "mommy" to her kids and you disagree that you are, I say simply ask her what her expectations of you are. Tell her that you totally respect her as their mother and are only wanting to help. If she isn't receptive to a civil discussion, leave ALL dealings of her to your husband. If she tries to engage you, tell her that you think its best if all the decision making be left to the two of them.
No matter how undeserving and how hard it may be, you have to let her be their mother...no matter how "bad" she may be. She may be a substandard mom but she is still their mom and those kids need their mom.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Our attorney told me to act as a guardian and make decisions.
Until BioDad pushes back in court and a Judge tells me otherwise.
That has worked for nearly 15years. No push back from BioDad at all. And, when things get heated between BioDad, His WhackJob mother and my wife they (The Sperms) cringe when I have to get involved. They love it when I tell them to shut up, act like adults, not to speak to my wife in anything but a mature and respectful manner and if they have a problem with anything I have said GET A F'IN LAWYER AND WE WILL SEE YOU IN COURT!
At that point they pretty much do exactly what they are told, and slime their way back under their rock where they belong. Until something gives them the idea that they have a brain and they crawl back out for another ass whoopin! (Figuratively of course).
Over the past 15 years smacking them around and proving their idiocy (repeatedly) has become something of a sport for me.
So, my advice is to act as their guardian until you are told otherwise by a judge. And no judge is going to smack your hand for making quality decisions that are in the best interest of the child. If you consistently act with the best interest of the child in mind you will not have much to worry about whether or not BM agrees with your decision or not.
IMHO of course.
Good luck and best regards,
you sound like me in a way.
you sound like me in a way. dealing with a bunch of idiots i mean they do not even have two brain cells to rub together. thank you for your insight
I don't talk to her
or need to talk to her for anything. when he's with us it's up to my husband and I to make decisions. if it's something that does need to be addresed with her then thats up to my DH to handel it with her NOT ME.
I wouldn't put youself in that situation with her contacting you and vice versa.