Will this ever get any better?
I dont love my SS. My husband resents me because of it. Our relationship is falling apart because I cant seem to care for his child the way he cares for mine. Im annoyed and frustrated when my SS is around. Every time I make an attempt to get closer to my SS he does or says something that pushes me away. How do I turn this off?!! I want to love him! I do! but I dont know how! I just want us to be a happy family but I dont see it ever happening. Im so lost and alone. I dont know what to do.
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He is used to the way his
He is used to the way his mother runs thier home. So when he comes to our home, he acts up in ways that I wouldnt allow my children to behave. We have rules in our home and my children understand that. My SS on the other hand tries to get away with breaking them. For example: the other night he said the "N" word! I right away explained how horrible that word is and that he wouldnt be able to play his PSP for 2 weeks. He threw the biggest fit I have ever seen from a 6 year old. First of all my children would never use that word and second they take thier punishment and deal with it! I guess its just frustrating to deal with the back and forth and the constant battle! I feel so horrible saying this becuase he is only 6 but it makes me not like him very much. I have been a part of his life since he was a year old and I still feel no real connection with him! I want soooo badly to be able to love him as my own. I dont know how to look past the differences and just accept him!
DH should have a long talk
DH should have a long talk with him to reinforce the rules of the house as well as his expectations. He needs to be aware that once he enters your home, the rules change.
I have a SD (26) who lives with me and DH. She's had no structure in her life and refused to cooperate with whatever we asked her to do. She's lazy, selfish, manipulative and only recently started cleaning up behind herself.
After numerous battles with DH about her, and admitting that I didn't like her (I'm sure the feeling is mutual)I realized I was in danger of breaking up my marriage. So I decided to play it smart, keep my mouth shut, and focus on me. Now DH is starting to notice all of her traits and actions that used to cause me so much anguish. He even went so far as to apologize for doing a lousy job at raising her (he's had full custody most of her life).
In your case, your step is still a child so there's still hope for a change. Whatever you do, don't allow your resentment to break up your marriage.
Good luck.
I know thats a huge part of
I know thats a huge part of our problem. My DH feels bad when he has to dicipline my SS because he is only with us 3 or 4 nights out of the week. If he does dicipline SS its an extremely light punishment or he makes a joke out of it! I try to explain to DH that he isnt helping the situation by ignoring his behavior. Its only created more resentment in me and telling SS that its ok to behave this way. Not to mention showing our other boys that SS will get special treatment! I think I may try to turn the blind eye but im scared I wont be able to handle it and explode! Thank you for the support. I really appreciate it.
Yeah, I think a good family
Yeah, I think a good family meeting is in order. Sit down with your husband privately and talk this over with him. I think you should agree to having the same exact rules and consequences apply to ALL the children in your home. It sounds like you do a wonderful job with your own children. In the family meeting, with SS present, tell all the kids that they will all be held to the same standard (i.e. the little shit will have to tow the line like your kids do) and receive the same consequences and go by the same rules. Once it's out there, enforce it. Both your husband and you need to be equal disciplinarians because it's not fair that he makes you be the bad guy by not doing his job or making a joke out of it. After being told directly about the rules and that consequences will be given for breaking them, your SS will have been given fair warning and temper tantrums in response to consequences should just lead to more consequences.
In the beginning of my marriage when my skids were still horrendous and horribly behaved, they really tested our rules and it was hard because BM had no rules or structure and was happy to reinforce the idea that we were evil, child-torturing taskmasters, when in fact we were establishing some pretty basic behavioral rules (no tv and games before homework etc...). I remember my SS12 (he was 10 then) having huge temper tantrums and when we put him in time out he would break things and scream and do anything he could to act out more. If he made noise in time out, I turned the light out on him (he had warning of that consequence). If he had a rude reaction to getting a consequence, we would just add to the consequence. It didn't take long for him to figure out that screaming and having tantrums just meant that he couldn't play video games or watch tv for a whole month rather than just one week. Btw, I think your consequence for using the N word (appalling!) was perfectly appropriate.
You need to discuss all this with your husband and come to an agreement about this and he needs to pull his weight, especially because the problem is HIS son. Maybe he should take a parenting class or make him watch SuperNanny.
You are on the right track and I wouldn't be hard on yourself for not liking/loving him, he sounds obnoxious and horrible. If your husband wants you to like his kid than he needs to be willing to take discipline seriously and have your back when it comes to the kids. My husband and I have an agreement that if one or the other of us does something that we don't approve of discipline meted out, we NEVER contradict the other parent in front of the kids. We wait and discuss it privately so that authority is maintained and a united front is shown to the kids. My skids know that my husband and I back each other up, so they don't play favors and try to get one thing out of one or get one parent to make the other ease up on a rule or anything like that. It's worked wonderfully and neither of my skids has had a tantrum in our custody for over a year!
I wish you luck with this! Go easy on yourself and don't worry about not liking him right now. The more important issue is his discipline and behavior problems and getting your husband to support you and do his job as a father properly.
Thank you StepMadre. I think
Thank you StepMadre. I think the family meeting is a wonderful idea. Im definitly going to have a long talk with DH this evening. Thanks again
I think that everyone has
I think that everyone has given good advice Annie. I agree that it sounds like this little boy needs to know who is in charge in your house and that everyone follows the same rules. There is nothing unfair in that at all.
I am also having a hard time getting along with my SD16 and have tried to make things better. I don't know if you have read it, but Stepmonster is an awesome book that touches on these issues. I got it at the local library and actually took notes while I read it. My bf read parts of it as well (specifically chapters about my feelings and his feelings/reactions). It gave both me and my bf some insight as to what his kids feel and how to handle it.
I hope everything works out for you. Good luck!