Can I get over this? Long
I have an intense dislike of my SD. It is a long story, but her parents have raised their only child in a way that has made her bossy, difficult, coddled, hypochondriac. She also has been "spousified" to a degree and has been treated more as a peer and decision maker than a child. The BM has some mental health issues and attachment issues/extreme fear of harm (unwarranted fear of illness or injury, phyiscal or emotional) to SD...which has made things even more difficult.
I have two teens -- we're not peers. I lived with my BF but it became evident his daughter and life were not ready for me...I couldn't cope with all the drama and they moved out. We are still together, but obviously things are different and difficult, as we have a past, had hoped, and still hope to get married, and we have a past...which makes it difficult to start over and just date.
Anyway, since they left my animosity toward SD has not gotten better...in fact it has gotten worse. I think about things a lot, and the anger and resentment have held me hostage. I feel very angry with Sd and my BF for letting "issues" come between us. I feel that the "only child/rule the roost" mentality and dysfunction that BF and BF have allowed is at the root of our problems. This child is the center of the Universe for all the adults in her life. I am not familiar with that dynamic, as I have two kids, my xH and I don't obsess over their health or have an unhealthy fear of them becoming harmed. Minor concerns re SD balloon into crises that cause everyone's lives to grind to a halt.
Additionally, I have physical custody of my kids, they see their dad EOW. BF and BM have 50/50, EOD, if you can believe that shit. So, in addition to the BM (who mind you, doesn't work full time because everyone in her life helps her finance her life) having some "issues", they're "coparenting"...sometimes it feels like they're still a family, like we can never be a separate unit. This all has to do with me wanting to live alone with my kids. It is too much. I also bore the brunt of the finances when we were living together...
Anyway, back to my resentment...you'd think being away from SD my resentment/frustration/anger over the situation is not any better, in fact it is worse. I've only seen her a few times in the past six months. Lately, I can't stand to hear BF relay SD's latest achievement (everything is an achievement!) or anything. I try and seem happy, but I'm seething. To me, SD is an indulged, manipulative, emotionally damaged, precocious brat that is allowed WAY too much control by her mom and dad.It has negatively affected my relationship with BF and SD and also BM and her BF's relationship, as well as BF's relationship with SD (this is why my BF has relayed...he's aware of the dynamic and has been trying to "change".)
When he brags about her and relays these acheivements/emotional moments/moments of closeness with her it makes me think about what I've witnessed with her being the center of the Universe, the complete focus of everyone. The princess. Lately too, he's been talking about her a lot and I can't help but feel uncomfortable. It is hard to explain, but he's so focused on her and how great she is, almost enamoured with her. It's this weird dynamic everyone who has an only child seems to have.
We've been to couple's counseling and are getting ready to prob go back soon. Like I said, he's aware of the problems and BM is having similar problems with SD and her BF. That being said, BF tells me her behavior has changed and he's happy with the progress but I'm not. I feel the "progress" she's made is relative and subjective. SD was a complete brat and totally in control, tantrums etc. when I met her (at 6) and she's better but has a LONG way to go. Ditto for their overfocus on her health and well-being, better but still quite dysfuntional.
I've been obsessing over her and the past, all the stuff my BF put me through with her and BM, how he didn't support me. He says things have changed, but I am not around to see it...and the few times I've been around Sd since they moved out it was like old times...a huge emotional scene lasting hours, lots of drama, dyfunction, and yes, BM was involved. So, to me, it feels like nothing's changed.
Before they left and since they left I have had a lot of trouble getting over my anger and resentment. It is on my mind nearly all the time...trying to weigh my love for my BF against my fears of what the future holds with SD and BM. Quite frankly, I feel very scared. I am tortured trying to weigh my love for BF against all the negatives I see with his aituation and also against my deep deep dislike of SD. The thing is, my feelings for BF cannot really be separated out from my feelings for SD because it's his parenting, or lack of parenting, that has helped shape this child.
I wonder if me thinking about it/obsessing about it actually is a contributing factor in things not changing with my resentment/anger toward SD. I think it is. I just can't separate it out. I am hoping the counselor can help me see my part in it and how that ultimately weighs in the outcome of things/my perceived happiness with the relationship vs. the very real things that have happened/happen.I am trying to figure out how much of my misery is caused by my own mind and how much is real, and are the real problems causing me to obsess or is obsessing causing a huge chunk of my unhappiness?
I am not sure I can get over my anger. I am trying so hard and just started to see a new individual counselor to help me work through things and figure out whether I should leave. She said the situation is more complex than the normal blended family situation, which in itself is challenging.
Has anyone gotten over their extreme dislike, anger, and resentment of their SK? I know part of why I am still angry is that BF hasn't completely gotten control of the things that are dysfunctional, but to be honest, I wonder if I'd really feel any differently if he ever DID get SD in line. I wonder if I am past the point of no return...
I cannot see myself ever living with SD EOD again. Things are so much more peaceful without her drama and that of her mother. I don't want to ever live with her. Sounds hopeless, doesn't it?
Sorry this was so long, thanks for reading...
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Comments
AlexandraL, I'm sorry that
AlexandraL, I'm sorry that you're feeling this way and I can tell from your post that it is literally torturing you.
I don't know enough about your background/situation (I have to go back on your old posts), so I don't know how helpful I can be.
One thing that I find interesting is that you've decided to move out to live on your own to preserve your sanity (and hopefully save your relationship) - I admire that. Sometimes people need to take a "step back/away" from the relationship to try to resolve the problems & be more objective.
I agree with you 100% about not raising kids to be rude, lazy, selfish and dependent people - and you have 2 teens, so it's not like BF can try to put this "you have no kids, so you don't understand" bullcrap on you. You're raising 2 kids to be good, hard working, productive members of society. That I am in full support of. Too bad most people seem to think that babying their kids and kissing their asses so as not to "hurt their feelings" is the right way to parent - nope, only hurts them, not helps them, in the end.
I know that I may not have any constructive advice for you & that I should go back to read your older posts before I can try to help you. I just wanted you to know that I can relate with what you're going through and I have been contemplating myself moving out after dating my BF for 6 yrs (living together for 2) because of the intense fear I have of how my life will be if I marry him & this type of stuff continues unchanged. I have similar concerns with my BF's kids (SD15 & SS12) that you have with yours. I keep thinking "am I the crazy one? how can people raise their kids this way?" and I worry about a future filled with years of frustration & anger if I marry BF.
I'm curious as to how long you've been with BF, how old his kids are, how long you lived with him, how long ago you moved out...because I feel that we may have a lot in common.
As for your anger & frustration, you HAVE to get control of this - for YOUR sake & for your health, etc... You can't walk around with this every day, it will wear you down and you will be no good to your OWN kids if you are too sick to take care of yourself.
My advice (for now)...it's OK to be SELFISH - you HAVE to take care of yourself or you won't be able to function normally or to take care of your kids. I also can't help but wonder if your teen kids SEE how this has taken its toll on you already. DO THINGS FOR YOURSELF and spend less time being frustrated/angry about BF & his kids. His kids, his problems. You will only drive yourself crazy and cause yourself harm if you don't stop the extreme anger & resentment. I'm not saying your anger isn't justified, because I'm sure it is. But sometimes it is one of the most USELESS emotions (similar to worrying about something), it just doesn't lead to anything positive most of the time.
(((AlexandraL)))) Good luck. Keep posting & let us know if anything improves so we can help you help yourself.
Hi Milomom and
Hi Milomom and Katrinkie,
Thank you for replying. MM, you asked how long we've been together...over two years...dated for about a year and a half before living together, I moved, left my job and family to be with him. Although we didn't live together, when I moved (a little over a year ago) we spent a lot of time together with the kids...they ate dinner here, slept over on kid weekends. SD is 8. Part of what I failed to mention which is a component of my situation is that BF's divorce when I first met him, something he didn't tell me until several months into the relationship. As a result, the first year of our relationship (until his divorce was final) involved walking on eggshells so as to not PO BM or SD. He was very concerned BM would hold up the divorce or suck more out of him or drive SD away from him. I can understand that as a parent, but it was not the right way to start a relationship and had I known this important bit of info, I am not sure I would have continued...I went through a similar experience years ago with a separated man and his only child and it nearly killed me. Add to this the fact that SD has some social and emotional issues she has been working through that are related to her mother's mental health issues in the past, so BF was extremely concerned about her adjusting. The whole thing just started off on the wrong foot. We've been apart since the fall, 09.
Thanks for the sweet comment MM...I had to end the living situation...it was killing me and I know I would have blown and things could have ended badly.
I can tell you understand where I am at. Aside from the marriage part, which was (is?) a hope of ours, I question whether we should even be together when I feel dread and fear thinking about the future. When people get together they have hope of moving in, getting married, maybe having a child, owning a home, etc. We already tried and failed and I can't just forget the past two plus years and completely start from scratch -- I am so trying to and want to but it is so difficult because we have a history, and we had dreams. Part of why people stay together is because they see a bright future -- I feel like I need him to convince me things have changed/can change before I can ever feel good about things again and I think he feels angry that I need this, esp. when there's not a real concrete way for him to show me.
Sometimes it just seems like I'm invested in something that has a low chance of working...and I am in my 40s and would really like to get remarried some day or at least have a peaceful life, with or without a man. Yes, I am literally tortured and my kids pick up on it. They're also old enough, esp my oldest, to know the dynamic that caused BF and SD to move out.
Katrinkie, you are such a sweetheart. I can see you understand as well. You asked me about the EOD arrangement -- well, neither BF of BM want the EOD schedule to change. I think it is ridiculous and think it is selfish of them to have this type of arrangement. They say it works for SD but I can only imagine how difficult it is to always be going back and forth, to never have a home base. I wish he either had her full-time so we could work on things or EOW so we could be together...this 50/50 stuff is BS. Yes, I feel the same way, that I am sacrificing my sanity to be with the man I love and wonder how a relationship can work under that strain. This will be a long road to fixing the problems/issues on his side...I am struggling and have been for almost a year with whether I want to/it's worth it. Really, what it is is that my gut is telling me this is bad for me (it has been) and I've been obsessing, trying to tell myself otherwise and "fix" the problems in my mind, rationalize it, try to talk myself out of feeling this way, and trying to weigh our love against the obstacles I feel are in our way.
I want to get past my resentment and anger and have to let it go for my own kids' sake. I've been so irritable of late. You're right MM, resentment is a useless emotion like worry.
All I can say is wow. You
All I can say is wow. You have expressed perfectly the way I feel about my SD. I am amazed over and over how many of us are in the same situations.
I give you a lot of credit for stepping back from the relationship when you realized it wasn't working for you. I wish I had had the opportunity.
The only thing that has helped me to deal with my anger and resentment is to remind myself over and over that she is not my child, I am not in any way responsible for how she is raised. When I am a witness to the drama I walk away whenever possible or turn stone cold on DH and tune it out. He is learning where that comes from. I don't express anythint to him, just turn myself off. I'm not sure it's healthy for me or our relationship but it's my coping mechanism. I can't control them, only how I react. I figure when he's ready to discuss it we will.
I feel for you. I hope it gets better.