Am I unreasonable or is an EOD arrangement completely ridiculous?
When my BF came to me during our break (initiated by me)he said he was going to change a lot of things in his life, including EOD (yes, you read it right!) arrangement to EOWE with one dinner date during the week. Against my gut, I've been spending time with him, trying to wait to see the developments. However, I just cannot wait anymore for something that could take two months or two years and it might not even make a difference with us! I told him this weekend that I need things to be in place not on their WAY to being in place -- finances, his custody arrangement, boundaries with his mom, BM, SD, and different living situation. I told him I can't wait anymore, it's too painful. Things don't feel right because they're not right to support a relationship. I cannot move forward without things being ready, not a work in progress. I've been waiting for years.
When we talked I found out that what he told me about his change in custody is really something else. He's giving up Sunday nights with SD (he has her every Sunday night after a weekend he hasn't had her) but is keeping her Tuesdays and Thursdays as he does now, getting her from school, doing homework, feeding her, and then dropping her at her mom's at 8. I said that is ridiculous and how is that really any different than EOD? I said at that point he might as well let her stay overnight! He said, yeah, I know, that's what I've been asking myself (in other words, what's the difference between EOWE and EOD). I said it was a deal breaker him having this EOD thing...that there is no continuity and that it increases the need for communication/chance for conflict/power struggles with BM, that it makes it impossible for me to build a relationship with SD. I told him I wasn't saying he had to give up 50/50 but that I can't live with his arrangement. Honestly, I don't think I can live in a 50/50 arrangement with SD...I already tried it and I almost had a breakdown. Granted, maybe things have changed, but I don't know...I am never around SD anymore. BM is not doing great with her mental health issues but hasn't been a huge thorn it seems but ironically enough she calmed WAY down after my BF and SD moved out.
I don't think he was misleading me before but WTF. How does it go from EOWE with a dinner out to basically what he has now. I am pretty pissed. I should just let it go, I know. Good thing I got out huh? Change my ass.
Am I being unreasonable in saying this change is not a change? Hell, it's even more confusing for the poor kid! No wonder she has separation anxiety (and she's almost 9). I think it is selfish of both parents to keep this poor kid going back and forth like a tennis ball. As a mother, I feel I really need to say more....
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Comments
To be honest, and I know it
To be honest, and I know it is not what you want to hear, I think going from seeing his child a few days a week to only going to 4 days a month (eowe) is not fair to him. What it comes out sounding like is you are asking to him to get his kid out of your life with him. I do not think that is fair to him or his daughter. You said she has separation issues, if he goes to less time with her that is going to make it worse for her and it will feel like abandonment. However, when you say eowe if you mean every other week not weekend, then that would be a bit more stable and still give him the same amount of time with her. For instance a sunday to sunday schedule.
No, it would be seeing his
No, it would be seeing his child eight days a month, and he suggested this, not me, because he's stressed out. I feel like he told me one thing without meaning it, which is upsetting. If you read my post I said the EOD is a deal breaker, not 50/50. An EOW seems much more reasonable and stable.
She's his kid and if he wants to mess her up, that's on his conscience.
I wanted to add she's got separation anxiety partly because her mom and her have this bizarre symbiotic relationship...
Can't they do week on, week
Can't they do week on, week off? I did this with my DD and though it wasn't ideal, she at least had some consistency.
This is what my parents did
This is what my parents did for my brother and I as children. Either way, some more consistency is definitely needed - EOD? That is absolutely crazy.
I'm apologize, I'm a little
I'm apologize, I'm a little confused. Do you mean you think he should split time, as in every other week as opposed to every other day? I'm writing it out to clarify your suggestion to him.
If that's what you meant, then that totally seems way more stable than every other day. Also, less confusing to the child. But if she suffers from separation anxiety, then he may have to compromise with a split during the week.
Uberskank (DH's X) has this particular arrangement with the bioD of her middle daughter. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday drop off at school/daycare. The other parent has the child Tuesday night, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. Added to this is a every other weekend schedule (pickup on Friday), so their child spends two weekends a month with Uberskank and two weekends a month with her bioD.
I can see why you just want to stay away from this mess. It looks like he's torn between being a dad and being in a relationship. I think he needs to solidify the Dad aspect of his life first (like you originally said) before he can entertain any thoughts of being in a relationship. As you're obviously aware, being in a relationship with someone with kids is difficult. So add the lack of balance in his life on top of that and you have disaster. Like you pointed out, it's really sad for the poor kid.
Yes, Shaman, you said it.
Yes, Shaman, you said it. That's why this isn't for me. The man has no solid ground under him so how can we have a solid foundation?
What I think is that the
What I think is that the custody arrangement, EOD, is crazy, selfish of exbf and BM, and bad for SD. He has been stressed out with working full time and having SD half time...long story but he knows I think the EOD is ridiculous and feels that both SD and BM both want SD to live with BM. It's not that cut and dry though, when you figure in a MIL, whom SD and exbf live with, who has a stake to claim with the current situation and the fact that BM has some mental health issues. She's set to get married so let's hope that happens (with the guy she cheated on exbf with!)
I personally don't believe in a 50/50 situation and don't have one with my kids. My ex and I have both made sacrifices to provide a stable, predictable life for our kids. My ex doesn't love our kids ANY less than my exbf loves SD but he knows that kids thrive in a stable in environment, with one home. Maybe it can work in other arrangements, but all I can say is both of my kids are happy, well-adjusted kids that have zero drama in their lives, which means on my end, I have no drama, and my exH has no drama and is actually able to have a happy new life with his wife. The kids know their dad and I both adore them. They have a stable home. For kids of divorce, they're doing pretty damn good.
But, BM and exbf feel this is best...for THEM. Come on, a frigging EOD routine is crazy. I think that an EOW would be much better but exbf is afraid if he let SD be with her mom for a whole week she'd want to live with her mom.
Quite frankly the whole conversation is mute as we're done for good this time. I am just angry that he sort of baited me on with this change in custody when it's no change at all. I don't see how anyone can have a life much less raise a well adjusted child under that sort of arrangement. I am sure I am going to catch a shitstorm of bashing for this...it's just my feelings. I think they're making a big mistake putting their child through this for their own benefit.
Here is our schedule: DH has
Here is our schedule: DH has the kids every Tuesday for dinner (only), every Thursday and every other Friday/Sat/Sun until Monday morning. This means that we have them basically 50/50, with the exception being Tuesday bedtime. It's almost EOD, I guess.
Honestly, it isn't that bad. The kids like the on-going connection to their father, and it gives my DH peace. I like it, too -- I know that I have Tuesdays for me -- I don't join for dinner, and I just go out with my girlfriends, go home and rest, and just generally do my own thing. I'm committed to Thursdays, so I spend that night with DH and the kids...and then every other weekend they are a part of our life.