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Feeling bad........Should I?

KeeKee75's picture

Submitted by KeeKee75 on Sat, 08/11/2012 - 12:57pm

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Teenage Stepchildren

My SD17's Bio mom always makes promises to her and doesn't follow through. We live in a different state and she is supposed to be paying support as my DH has custody but my SD spends a sustantial amount of time at my MIL's house. When she gets her hopes up and her mo9m lets her own I feel angry and sad for her at the same time. Recently there was a trip that was supposed to happen where the BIO mom was taking SD17 to Disney World.......never happened! I made a comment about her not following through to my SD17. I think this was a bad mistake because my DH came to me and told me that my SD17 told my MIL that my comment hurt her feelings. My MIL asked my DH to tell me to refrain from mentioning anything about her mom's promises because it makes her feel bad because she's an absent parent.....why didn't my SD17 feel comfortable talking to me?......why is my MIL ALWAYS involved in everything?.......Should I go to my SD17 and apologize?.......I don't want her to think I'm out to hurt her or make fun of her. I am tired of my DH and MIL babying the whole situation. They make her mom out to be this great person and she's really not....I don't want them to bad mouth her, but at what point are they going to explain to the girl that her mom can't be counted on.....Do you let her see for herself? how many times does she need to get let down and hurt?

KeeKee75's picture

Submitted by KeeKee75 on Sat, 08/11/2012 - 1:13pm

I believe that I should be his #1 and everything falls secondary to me and our needs as a unit. You pointed out something that makes so much sense to me now about getting her Gma to fight her battles for her. I'll stay out of it...but do i owe her an apology?? why didn't she come to me? she lives in my house!

dontcallmestepmom's picture

Submitted by dontcallmestepmom on Sat, 08/11/2012 - 2:45pm

It may be that they never stop trying to shield her. So many of us on here have dealt/deal with MILs that very difficult. I agree that your SD should know the truth, and watching her mom make empty promises is hard for you. But, you know what? SD probably does know, even it is way deep down, that her mother is not nice. I work with teens (well just lost my job, but I have the experience), and I had a young man who broke down in my office. He mentioned his mom, and just started to cry. He said he is realizing how awful she is, BUT she is his mom. He has the loyalty and I think, the hope that she will change. The woman abandoned him and left the country, and lives a not so good life, so I think he knows he has to prepare for her never changing. Your SD may be feeling that way...or not...but she is ultimately the one who will make up her mind, and that may be no matter what your DH and MIL say.

It is hard, because your SD may decide to always defend her mom, or give her a million chances. There is nothing you can do, but be there for her. Sounds like you really care, and she knows that. My DH's adult kids (I don't have a good relationship with them and neither does he) defend and support BM. She committed a crime, it was on tape, and they still defended her. They are exactly like her, cold and unfeeling shells of people, so I think they relate to her much much more.

I do not think you owe your SD an apology, but I do think your DH needs to tell his mom to butt out. My DH almost had to do that last year. I would tell you to have a talk with your SD, if you are comfortable, but I would worry MIL or SD would twist that around. Vent to your DH about your feelings for BM, but try to keep them from SD. I know, it is tough.

I watch DH get hurt all the time by the kids, so I know how you feel. Sending you a hug!

Orange County Ca's picture

Submitted by Orange County Ca on Sat, 08/11/2012 - 2:45pm

Now that you know you hurt her feelings of course you should apologize. "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings" is all that is necessary.

This girl knows full well her mother's a flake so she doesn't need you reminding her. When it comes to the girl just zip it up. Anything you simply must say say it to your husband but frankly absolute silence will serve YOU best as well as everyone else.

Great Mom but horrified Stepmom's picture

Submitted by Great Mom but h... on Sat, 08/11/2012 - 5:35pm

I think you are in a tough situation and I would NOT like my MIL telling my husband what I should or shouldn't do. Having said that, every expert out there says that we should all refrain from saying ANYTHING negative about the biological parent.

In your case, what you said it true and I'll be your SD knows it, your MIL knows it and the BM knows it. But you still can't say to the SD because it puts her in a loyalty conflict.

So yeah, I think a simple 'you know, I shouldn't have said that about your Mom, I'm sorry and I won't do it again' would go a long way.