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Newbie post. First day of school lesson turns into huge fight

KPAYNE's picture

Hi, I am new to this site and have been contimplating posting for a few months and if I ever seem rough it is because I am truly at my brink with things here. I have 2 children and 2 stepkids. One of my kids live with me and the oldest stepson (10) lives with me and my husband (we have been together 3 yrs). His biomom is a real doofus-I mean like a cartoon character! Of course I am expected to make up for her short-comings with his kids. Well, for the 3 years I have been with him it has been a constant struggle with the 10 yo to get him to give us his papers from school so we know what is going on. Telling him, over and over. I have had it. Well, since I never saw his end of the year papers, I didn't know what day school began this year, he kept telling us it was on Tues (today) the 22nd. So after some checking I found out it was actually the 23rd. My idea was to have him get ready and go out this morning and wait on a bus that was not going to come to teach him a lesson. I told my husband, who never checked on when HIS son's school started and he blew up at me and told me I was childish and playing games, etc. Threatened a divorce, and treated me in typical hateful fashion. I am so sick of having the responsiblilty of dealing with his kids' stuff and not being able to make desicions about their punishments. Does anyone have any input on this. I won't be offended if you side with my husband, I would just like to have some other input.
Thanks,
Kendra

Comments

happy mom's picture

I can't believe your husband is taking this out on you, that is HIS own child. You are the stepmother. It's obvious he can't handle his own child. If you decide to stay w/this man, you need to sit him down and talk about these things that bother you. You both to be working together on this...you are a couple. If want to continue fixing the situation w/the stepchild & school issues, I would tell the teacher to hold all the papers until you get it from her/him, do not give it to the child. That way you'll get everything you need. This child needs major discipline. The 1st important thing is to decide what the status of you and your husband situation. Hope this helps.
-happy mom

Allyceson's picture

I wonder, if his behavior toward you is typically hateful why do you stay? I'm also wondering what his reaction would be if you stated that he can handle things with the ss from now on, as he doesn't approve of how you do it. I would tell him that's what you're going to do, then follow through. Anything that concerns his son is his business. Maybe that will change his tune?

KPAYNE's picture

I don't leave because I have alot invested here and I am sick of losing things. When I left my son's father I lost almost everthing I owned. It would have been a huge fight to get it all so I just left it. I know it doesn't sound like much but there is a mobile home here in my name and it cannot be moved becaue of certain circumstances of the land and placement and I would still have to pay on it. The child of mine that lives here is our common child and I hate to put her through that. My son was 4 when I left his father and he is still devastated 3 years later. He doesn't want to come and see me for more than a day at a time. He only wants his father, that hurts so bad. If I would have known he would react that way I probably would have never left his dad. Any way my husband now says that it is part of being his wife and if I loved him I would help him with his kids. When the younger one is here for visiting, he is 8-he is extremely loud and just like his stupid mom, disruptive, my daughter (22 months) can't get her naps, and he causes me to have anxiety attacks. My husband says he can't even stand him. But the next minute gets mad at me for talking about him. I am probably going to have to leave this man because between him and his kids I have to take medication for my nerves just to deal with them!

Nise's picture

Has your husband always been this way towards you? Do you feel he loves you enough to try…maybe counseling or something…does he value your opinion/perspective at all? I’m not asking rhetorically I’m asking honestly…b/c if you think on these things and the answer is no…it will be hard to “fix it” w/o a modicum of respect and love…

happy's picture

I would stop doing everything for his son. Make his dad take on the responsibility for his own. Let him deal with all that. The only way he is going to get your point is by dealing with it himself.
You did nothing wrong..
Funny story to try to make you smile..
My SD has lost I think 4 keys to our house. So one day my husband ask me do you have a key to the house. I said yeah, he said his daughter lost her key again. and made me give her mine. SO it wasn't but maybe a month later we left for somewhere and when we came home there was no power so my garage door opener would not work. AND he had also given his key to his daughter before mine because she lost hers. Point to my story is that when we could not get in he asked me where my front door key was and I said" Well remember last month when you made me give it to your daughter because she lost it? His jaw dropped.. And I said you know if you would make her be more responsible we would be in the house already.. He was mad but not at me..
I would make it his sole responsibility for his son from now on..
Be there but I would not be the full time parent..

ACopsWife's picture

KPAYNE,

First, your husband should never threathen divorce, over such a minor issue. It shows that he doesnt value your relationship. He needs to get better communication skills.

Second, you are the mother role model in that family, and although the child doesnt always do what you want him to do, or need him to do, hes only a child still. You have to take into consideration that he is only 10. I dont feel like its his fault at all that he didnt know what day school started this yr. Most kids that age dont. One of you 2 adults, should have called the school, or found out from another adult.

I can understand your issue of feeling like you are have sole resposibility of this child, and that you are doing everything, and the father isnt pulling his weight. But,getting the father to take more responsiblity is the real issue here.

As far as the child, not bringing home his school papers. Its up to a parent to call the school, and let the teacher/teachers know that the child isnt real good about delivering important paperwork home. Sit down and talk to the child, and tell him its very important that you get that work, and you know he can deliver it to you, because hes a smart kid. Positive reinforcement, with this child is what is going to work for you and your husband. Then if it continues, dont wait until 2 months to punish him. Start taking things away from him that he enjoys to do ie; video games, playing outside after school until he learns how important the things you ask of him are.

Im sorry, but im an honest person, and i tell it like it is. The situation you described (and i mean the situation with the child being the one responsible for knowing when school starts) wasn't fair to him, hes a child still. I have a 10 yr old and a 12 yr old, and although they know about what day school starts, they are never really sure. So i make sure i know when school starts!! You seem to be the only responsible adult in this childs life, and you need the be his advocate. Just because your husband doesnt recognize how important you are in this childs life, doesnt mean other people dont see.

Please dont feel like Im trying to play the blame game here, because Im not. I can see that without you, this child would be in bad shape. I know that this is frustrating to you, but its not the childs fault. Im sure he can sense your resentment, for taking all the responsibility for him. Maybe you can sit down with your husband and tell him that it takes 2 parents to raise a child/children, and you need him to take responsibility for his part. Set some boundries, and come to an agreement that both of you abide by, on what is best for this child, punishments and all. I just have a feeling that you are harboring resentment, because of your husband, and the child is suffering because of it.

I know you can do this. You have already stepped up to the plate with this child by raising him as your own. Good luck sweetie Smile

Dawn-Moderator's picture

In my opinion, if the 10 year old is living with you, then you should have gotten the end of the year papers. Are you guys the ones that register him for school? If not, why?
I do agree that at 10, he should be starting to be more responsible and should be bringing his papers home. It can't hurt to mention to the teacher that he is having this problem but I'm sure that at the end of the day, when papers are being put into book bags, the teacher has a lot going on and may not be able to go to each kid and tell them to bring home their papers.
We have this same problem with my stepson and it is a continual struggle to get all the info that we need. I check the school web site often to see when some activities are scheduled. Sometimes, though, a paper will be sent home on a day that stepson is going to biomom's house. Sometimes we get the info, sometimes we don't. If stepson misses out on something because either him or biomom didn't tell us about it, stepson needs to understand why.

Keep up the good work!

Dawn

KPAYNE's picture

I understand your point of view. I was not expecting him to know what day school started. I never even asked him. His bio mom had him for a week and told me that he told her it was that day. My issue is that after 3 years of telling him and telling him and talking to him about it--to do a simple task of giving us papers -which obviously the school thinks he is capable of doing, he was not taking the issue seriuosly and his father took the issue no further to correct the problem. When I decided to show him how important it was to have the papers, (for instance so we would know what day school started) his father blew up at me. I always look like the stupid parent when it comes to everything. another example- His dad doesn't make him brush his teeth on a regular basis or hardly ever, but makes me take him to the dentist and he has cavities all over and they look at me like --why can't you make your kid brush his teeth? If I punish him, yet I am in trouble. (this is just one of many such instances). Please don't think I am some glamour queen above everyone else with her kids--it is not that. It is simply that I get looked at for his parents' lack of parenting and am expected to deal with situations I have no control over-I feel used.
I do appreciate you honesty and understand that I took on a responsibility when I married a man with kids. I was a stepchild, unfortunately it was hell for me, I was molested and severly abused by my stepfather who I looked up to as a father figure so I can sort of even relate. But I do not want to be his mother, just there for him but I can't be treated like a child myself in the process.
your time is so appreciated and I appreciate your comment, it was touching for me.
Thanks,
Kendra