shabner's picture

What is fair (sorry this is long)

Hoping someone can give me some objective advice on here. My boyfriend has recently moved in with me. I have asked him to pay for half the rent, I pay the groceries, utilities, cable, phone, internet, plus my half of the rent. I have 2 older children 18 and 19 who live with us full time. He has 3 younger children who are with us eowe and holidays.
When he first moved in the arrangement was that he would pay half of the rent, while I paid everything else, partly because I am the one who has the kids in the house full time, and partly because he is still paying the mortgage on his x's place.
I make 30 grand and he makes 60-70 (self employed)
After all the bills and groceries I have very little money left. This has been reduced to zero money left because of his kids, that he does not pay for. When we go shopping he allows them to put expensive items in the cart. Last weekend he told them that we were going camping, and of course we don't have any camping stuff at all so he decides we need to go to the hardware store to buy a tent, dishes, campfire stuff, and other camping things, coming to over $200.00 and walks away with the kids when it's being rung in so I have to pay for it.
Then we went to the grocery store to buy camping groceries, this amounted to $160.00. He gave me $100.00 to put towards that. After this I had to go out and purchase life jackets for the kids that were $60.00. Then a stop on the way home from camping to eat at a restaurant that cost almost $60.00.
This brings my cost of this "family" camping weekend to $480.00 minus the hundred he gave me so $380.00. He paid for the campsite, which was $50.00.
So in total for a weekend that my kids didn't even go on I paid $380.00 and he paid $150.00. So now rent is due, I have only enough money left to cover my portion of the rent. He has just went out and put a new back tire on his motorcycle, and is buying his son a ipod touch for passing grade 2??? He hasn't given me his share of the rent yet, and I am worried that he won't.
I guess I needed to vent a bit, but I actually would like to know if anyone thinks it's fair that I pay for everything except half the rent and also end up paying the majority for anything to do with his kids? What would a fair arrangement be?

smdh's picture

Um, you need to put an end to

Um, you need to put an end to that shit. First, you pay for the groceries YOU buy, which includes meals for everyone. Anything extra for his kids, is on him. Any entertainment for his kids should be on him. If you all go (including your kids), he pays for 4/7 and you pay for 3/7. Life jackets for his kids? On him. That is bullshit. And I would not have agreed to pay 1/2 the rent AND everything else just because he is paying the mortgage for his x. That isn't your problem. That is HIS problem.

ybarra357's picture

^^ Couldn't have said it

^^ Couldn't have said it better myself Smiling

That's no moon, it's a space station!

Invisiblestepmom14's picture

I'm with them! You need to

I'm with them! You need to stop allowing him to spend all your money! I would have called him back over when the camping stuff was all rung up and ready to be paid for! You have become his ATM machine. Puzzled

She puts those kids in clothes, I wouldn't let my dog wear...

Ommy's picture

1) your 18 and 19 year old

1) your 18 and 19 year old should be paying you Rent/Food money. If you dont want to "Spend" it on that put it in a savings account to help them supply their first home/apartment when they move out. $150-200 a month is not that big of a deal if they are working like they should be.

2) He lives their, he needs to be paying his portion of ALL the bills. Rent, electricity, garbage, cable, internet ect. If he puts up a fight say fine we split everything 4 ways (if you pick up your ADULT KIDS tab that is up to you).

3) If you are shopping with him and his kids and he is expecting you to pay, DO NOT BUY THE JUNK HIS KIDS PUT IN THE CART.


Sorry if this sounds harsh but MARRIAGE is a partnership. Both parties involved need to work on a common goal. If one person puts in all the money/effort that person is going to grow bitter and angry and the relationship WILL fall apart.

3familiesIn1's picture

Fair is him to move back out

Fair is him to move back out and foot the bill for his own place a little longer.

Regulation #5
You are entitled to food, shelter and medical attention. Anything else is a privilege.


smdh's picture



hereiam's picture

You need to stop allowing

You need to stop allowing this to happen.

Orange County Ca's picture

Well I only read the first

Well I only read the first half and wondered why he was still living with you.

He'll take your last penny - maybe already has.


I've observed humans for 70 years and dogs for 10. I prefer the dogs.

SMof2Girls's picture

Boot him .. or make him pay

Boot him .. or make him pay up. If you act like a doormat, he'll walk all over you.

*~* Raise your words, not your voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder *~*

~*~ Examine what you tolerate. ~*~

Aeron's picture

This seems like basically the

This seems like basically the same thing you asked in a previous post. This man is taking advantage of you and you're allowing it.

He walked away while it was being rung up - you need to speak up instead of pulling out your credit card. Whether that's yelling to him that the cashier's ready for him or telling the cashier oh I guess he didn't want it and walking away yourself is up to you, but you DID NOT have to pay for it, you chose to. Stop choosing to. You did not Have to buy the kids life jackets. They are not your children, it was not your responsibility either ethically or financially to purchase these. They have a father, it's his responsibility.

He's using you. Still. And you're allowing it. Still.

If you want to be non-confrontational, tell him you're just broke, you can't afford for this arrangement to continue as it is. If he has the money for discretionary spending like with iPod Touches or Whatever, he has money to help foot the bills in the household where he's living. You said before you let him move in because he had no where to go and wasn't in a good position financially, well, he's going to put you in a worse one if you allow this to continue.

I would personally tell him he needs to move out, you can't afford to support him and his kids. If you're afraid of confrontation, call the police and ask to have someone come over while you do it and he packs up his stuff which shouldn't take too long since it's not like he has any furniture. He's a grown man, he needs to stand on his own two feet, not have you carry him.

Aeron's picture

Aw, thanks!

Aw, thanks!

Jsmom's picture

First off...Stop this BS.

First off...Stop this BS. Your kids should pay some to the household if you need the money for expenses. Also, he should be paying his fair share. He is doing this, because you are letting him.

As for grocery shopping with him...Stop going and you won't have to pay.

Mpjcmom's picture

Yeah, I have to agree with

Yeah, I have to agree with the others sounds like you are being taken advantage of, big time. You have to put a stop to it now. My ds12 is staying with me right now, and my DH gives me money for all her expenses. I made it clear that I expect it. I will not spend my hard-earned teacher salary or child support for my bd on kids who are not mine. We have to look out for ourselves, because sadly, no one else will!!

Disneyfan's picture

He's living with you while

He's living with you while paying his ex's mortage??? WTH

"Some of you nonstepparents should have disclaimers in your signature lines. Disney isn't a SM any more, but her's could read, "Was a SM. That shit is for the birds! I don't hate all SMs, though. I'm cool."" LadyFace

tweetybird74's picture

My DH makes 30K more a year

My DH makes 30K more a year than I do.His child lives with us full time. I pay for half of all the bills except groceries, because the 2 of them eat way more than I do, so I only pay 1/3rd. If we are planning a purchase or a trip we try to split it. But he makes much more money than I do so usually he put out more money than I do. If I can afford I will help out. You need to get him paying more an in situations like the camping trip you need to discuss BEFORE going to the store how all the stuff will be paid for, since you are spending all your money to keep the house running. This is NOT fair at all. Get him to step up or pack up and move out!

LizzieA's picture

This is disgusting to me. You

This is disgusting to me. You paid over $300 for his kids' camping trip and he buys an Ipod for his brat before giving you any money?

You asked what is fair?

Rent 50/50
Groceries: 75/25 when its you 4, then he pays whatever his kids eat
Utilities: 75/25 and then he pays the overage for his kids--I know our water bill goes up when we have others in the house, for example
Toys/items/eating out for his kids: 100% him

If your kids chip in, it goes to your 75%

The big issue is, are you going to stick up for yourself? I don't like confrontation either but I hate being screwed over more.

ybarra357's picture

"I don't like confrontation

"I don't like confrontation either but I hate being screwed over more."

Like this!!

That's no moon, it's a space station!

smartone's picture

Everybody else covered this

Everybody else covered this well, but I just wanna say I used to be like you and have gotten better, although my last bf took advantage of me a little bit. You HAVE to think more of yourself, because you are selling yourself short. You do NOT have to put up with this and you need to work on stating what you need/want or you will never get anywhere! Trust me! Smiling