What have I got myself into?
so happy to have found this fourm. I am glad to see I'm not alone. I'll try to make my story short and get to the point.
My SO has recently moved in with me, and my 2 children, DD18 and DS19. He has 3 children that we have alternating weekends, and holidays, SD4, SD6 and SS9.
I pay all of the bills, (hydro, water, gas, cable, internet, phone etc.) for all of the groceries, and half of the rent. He only pays half of the rent.
Since he has moved in my DD gave up her bedroom to accomodate the skids and has moved to the basement. Which was her choice.
My problem is that his children are very, very immature for their ages, the SD4 has only just 2 weeks ago been out of diapers, the SD6 talks like a baby and carries a "blankie" around with her everywhere, the SS9 still lifts his arms to his father and says "Dada, uppy" This is very irritating to me. They never speak in a normal voice, but whine everything they say. They never ask for anything properly they say stuff like "drinkie" and it's a demand and they expect me to jump up and get it for them. It annoys me further that SO never corrects them for any of this behaviour and jumps to do their bidding.
The worst for me though is that when we are grocery shopping, the kids ask for everything, including expensive toys and other non-essentials and SO puts them in the grocery cart without asking me and then never offers to pay for or even split the costs of such items.
These kids would only eat McDonalds if they were allowed too, and they turn their noses up at all of the nutritious homemade food that I make, and waste everything, and SO lets them.
The only reason I even take them grocery shopping with us is so that they can have a hand in picking out food they will eat, and even though it's things that they pick out, they still waste it. SO is always giving them desserts and snacks and things through the day, even if they haven't eaten one single meal I've put in front of them. I've talked to him about it and he says he will do better, but it never happens. I feel like I am at my wits end with this, and I know it's affecting our relationship. I'm not sure what to do. Any advice from more expereienced SM's would be very appreciated.
Wow your SO has it good with
Wow your SO has it good with you. Why should he change? He has no reason to change, he has no consequences.
Realitycheck, I'm not sure
Realitycheck, I'm not sure what consequeces there should be? That is why I came to this site, for advice. I am not parenting my SO, nor do I want to. I would like him to respect the fact that I work hard for what I provide for my family and his. I am not sure what to do or how to bring about the changes I would like. Before my SO I was married for 20 years to a very mentally abusive man, and unfortunately it's left me very scared of any type of conflict or confrontation.
And this is why he's so
And this is why he's so easily able to take advantage of you. Have you considered counseling to help you deal with your past and make sure you don't fall into the same trap?
You need to learn to stand up for yourself. You can start by upping his contribution to include groceries. Also make him responsible for preparing meals and cleaning up after his kids on those weekends. After all, he was doing it before meeting you, right?
^^^^^^^^^^^This
^^^^^^^^^^^This
Stop taking them grocery
Stop taking them grocery shopping for one or put all the stuff he's putting int he cart to the side when you get to check out and deadpan him with "Oh, I thought you were paying for all those toys for your children"
Of course it's affecting your relationship, he's USING you and you're Letting him. Children and finances can bring a relationship to a crashing halt faster than almost anything else. You need to sit down and talk to him and be Very clear that he is taking advantage of you and you're not participating anymore. If you pay the bills, you pick the food. If they don't like it, they don't have to eat it but it's on Daddy to figure it out and not by wasting any more of the groceries you bought. Whether this conversation is about him pitching in to cover bills that are drastically increased by his kids or by telling him that he's made promises he's not keeping so now you're just going to take care of yourself... is up to you.
If he's not asking you before putting it in the cart and not paying for it, I'd be taking it right back out and telling him "I'm not paying for that".
realitycheckmom is totally right, he has No incentive to change. You're letting him get away with all his crappy behavior, why would he change? You're giving him a talking to and accepting his "I'll do better", then he doesn't and you what? Pay for things some more?
Stand up for yourself.
What would you tell someone
What would you tell someone after reading your post? OMG I'm having a panic attack just imagining being in that situation. Don't take them shopping anymore, and trust me, this will end if you keep living together. Daddy is not going to change, nor will he require his kids to. So if you like this person, he needs to move out. Seriously. My bf and I were together for 1.5 yrs and did NOT move in together. And we still didn't make it. Same issues, plus more. I still love him. But it's not worth it to have to constantly be dealing with something!
Ok...I have to ask
Ok...I have to ask this....WHY THEY HECK ARE YOU PAYING FOR ALL OF THOSE THINGS BY YOURSELF & MOST IMPORTANTLY WHY THE HECK ARE YOU STILL WITH THIS MAN AND HIS HORRIBLE CHILDREN???
You have the perfect situation...your children are GROWN and practically are out of the house and ready to lead their own lives. Why on earth would you subject yourself to this treatment and bullshit by this man and his demon children???
LEAVE...RUN...ASAP!!!
I am sorry if I come across so harsh and mean but seriously you DESERVE ALOT BETTER then what you are settling for...you deserve to be happy!!! You have raised your children it is time for YOU to enjoy life and have some joy and peace of mind...dont subject yourself to this bullshit any longer...there is a GREAT MAN out there just for you...BULLSHIT FREE
I WISH YOU THE BEST HUN!!!! Go find your Prince Charming and dump the toad
Hi Tasha, Thanks for the
Hi Tasha,
Thanks for the advice. The reason I am paying for everything is because he is in trouble financially, and I was trying to give him an opportunity to get back on his feet. I really never intended to live with him until my children were out of the house, but he was boarding in a house that was sold and didn't have anywhere to go. He didn't even have a spec. of furniture to his name.
I am seriously considering asking him to move out, but I know financially he can't afford to, and he would not want too. He's very clingy to me, but I'm starting to think that he is just manipulative.
My biggest thing is that to be quite honest, I am a coward. Like I said in my earlier reply, I am afraid of confrontation. I am terribly scared to ask him to leave. I also feel sorry for his situation. I really hate being the person that leaves another without resources or a home.
agreed. maybe if he was more
agreed. maybe if he was more careful with money, he wouldn't be in this situation. he caused himself to go broke, and now he's working on making you go broke, too! tell him to go to the salvation army and DHS, they will help him get a place and give him food stamps to get him by, and he will have to look for work and learn to be independant, because they won't do it for him forever. if you are scared, have an officer come by and then tell him to get out. this isn't gonna get any better. i can see him and his kids getting very comfortable with this arrangement and then just taking over like it's THEIR house and you and your kids are just living there. don't let it get to that point.
Didn't a poster end up with
Didn't a poster end up with the SO and his kids taking over her house? I am thinking DGB or Daisy?? The one where one of her sons moved out because of SO's kids?
OP needs to pull her spine up and say no more. The free ride is over, contribute or you have two weeks to get out. Then hand this man some literature on Food Stamps and Salvation Army so he has no excuses.
^ with all due respect Bi
^ with all due respect Bi ('cause I just do love you so -- you make me laugh hysterically), but I disagree with you ^
This man should not turn to the taxpayers simply because he is too lazy to take control of his own life. He is being given an opportunity, from a private citizen, to get his life together. He should take that opportunity. Taking it to the next level (sponging off the taxpayers) is just adding fuel to his "no-money-having, Disney-Dad-parenting, looking-for-a-mom-not-a-partner, irresponsible, entitlistic, mooching, free-loading, needs-someone-to-clean-up-after-him, lazy-ass" attitude and life style.
This guy has GOT to man up -- not look for more hand-outs.
So whatever you do:
PLEASE don't send him to us taxpayers to take care of.
We've got enough of those kind latched on to our tits and our nipples are chapped, bleedin' and SORE as hell...
i agree completely. i don't
i agree completely. i don't mean to suggest he should use welfare as a lifestyle, just that if she throws him out, he doesn't necessarily have to be on the street if that's what she's worried about. there are emergency services he could get, and then he would have no choice but to get a job because those kinds of services don't last long.
I see your point. It's true,
I see your point. It's true, there are resources available to him. So she need not feel guilty. I concede.
It's just that as a social worker who works with the homeless, I see way too many people who just don't *want* to take responsibility for themselves. They live looking for the next hand-out.
One man came into the shelter and flat-out asked me, "what are YOU going to do for ME?"
I said, "Well, that depends on what you're going to do for yourself."
He looked at me with a shit-ass look on his face and said, "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"
I said, "I can't help you if you aren't willing to help yourself."
He walked away, swearing at me under his breath, calling me all sorts of names.
He has now been in the shelter for 30 days and has accomplished NOTHING in regards to bettering his situation. He has no mental health concerns and no active addictions.
He just sits around EXPECTING other people to take care of him. And boy does he get pissed when they don't!
Yeahhhh.....
oh man, i don't know how you
oh man, i don't know how you held it together! i know the type. my exdh is one of them. so is a loser i went to school with. piss and moan and cry about what they don't have, but adamantly against getting a JOB. i hate those people. the one i went to school with is the cousin of a good friend's bf. he kept saying in front of me last year that he hoped he got a pair of tennis shoes for father's day. i eventually caught on that he was hinting that he wanted ME to do it! :O he had a kid that he did not pay support on, was living with his parents, no job and not trying to get one, not my bf, not my kids father, absolutely nothing to me, but i'm supposed to get him somehting for father's day? he called me when he and his family had a get together a couple days before father's day. i told him i wasn't going anywhere. his very next words were "i hate father's day!" yeah. pretty sure he was calling me with the expectation that i got the hint and bought him shoes. when i said i wasn't going, he knew i had nothing for him. f'g loser. i deleted him off fb and blocked him from my phone a few days later. oh, and nevermind that i have a fiance and 2 kids of my own, because i went to school with him and my friend is dating his cousin, apparently i owe him a father's day gift. :?
Yep BM here has sucked our
Yep BM here has sucked our state dry...there is nothing left to give.
Did she meet the maximum and
Did she meet the maximum and then move to another state? I've heard of that happening.
"kick him out" "kick him out"
"kick him out" "kick him out" "kick him out" "kick him out"
I completely understand how
I completely understand how you feel.
I care for my bf but I just told him yesterday that I would never marry him because IN MY HEART I know that I cannot and do not want to deal with his kid or ex for the rest of my life. I too would be very "afraid" to confront him and tell him it is over because he genuinely is a great guy BUT I cant and dont want to deal with his circumstances and situation. Not for me!
However, as hard as it is to not feel guilty you need to think of yourself, not in a selfish way but you need to realize that YOU MATTER! Your feelings, happiness, joy, etc ALL MATTER! If you are feeling the way you do you need to go to that place deep inside of you and be brave and strong and stand up for yourself! You DESERVE to be happy! I know you feel bad for him and his current situation and for wanting to "put him out" but I personally think/feel that you and your generosity are being taken advantage of.
Please consider yourself here and what you need and deserve...if not for you then for your amazing kids!!!
you seem like such an awesome woman that has SO MUCH to offer to the RIGHT man that is deserving of you!!!
I am rooting for you...please think of YOU and then you will KNOW what the BEST choice is!!!
xoxo Tasha
I can see how he ended up in
I can see how he ended up in financial trouble: he has no respect for the value of a dollar. As is evidenced by the fact that he has zero compunction in expecting you to buy toys for his children while you are grocery shopping and/or not making his children eat the food you cook (thus wasting even more money).
I'm sorry hun, but I'm going to ask you the same question that you've asked us:
"What have you gotten yourself into?"
I will give you the same advice that I would hope a friend would give me if I were in your situation -- and then I would take the advice:
1. Split the cost of every bill 50/50. Even if this means that you have to reneg your original deal. Tell him, "I'm sorry, I thought that I was going to be able to absorb the added expense, but I was wrong. I can't afford it. I really need you to split everything 50/50 from now on."
2. Keep your finances separate. Under no circumstances do you combine accounts or co-sign for any type of loan for this man.
3. The thing with the children is never, ever, ever going to get any better. Do some serious soul searching to determine whether or not you really, honestly want to start over with small children -- that act that way because of how they are being parented.
4. Set a STRICT time frame for him to get his shit together. Let him know that in x-amount of time, you expect x to be taken care of. If he doesn't step up to the plate -- be prepared to make him move out.
REMEMBER:
YOU have done nothing TO this person to put him in the situation he is in. HE HAS DONE IT TO HIMSELF.
I'm a social worker. I work with the homeless population. If there is anything that is absolutely mandatory for me to understand about how people live their lives -- it's the concept of SELF-DETERMINATION.
People are either going to help themselves -- or they aren't. But there isn't anything YOU can do TO him to make him choose otherwise. All you can do is set healthy boundaries for yourself and YOUR children. If he can't toe the line to become a contributing member of your household, oh well. Make him move out.
Sometimes people really have to suffer the consequences for their own behavior before they become willing to help themselves.
However, in the meantime, please oh please oh please, make sure you are protecting you and yours from what a man who is clearly a leach.
Sorry hun, that's the advice I'd want a friend to give me.
How can you even respect this
How can you even respect this man?
This guy has it nice. Do you
This guy has it nice. Do you have a sister?
(No subject)
:jawdrop:
What is going on here lately?
What is going on here lately?
he's rude to people more
he's rude to people more often than not.
Maybe he and CSA hang out all
Maybe he and CSA hang out all day and post things just to get a rise out of people?
i'm thinking you are spot on
i'm thinking you are spot on with that! i posted something a long time ago, don't remember what, and occ told me that fdh is trying to have a good relationship with sd, and i need to "continue to stay out of it". :? the comment had nothing to do with my post, and actually, fdh doesn't try to have a relationship with sd at all. he finds her just as annoying as i do! but then again, occ knows it all. who am i to think i know my life, my situation, and my fdh better than him? (big ass eye roll).
Yep... I find myself rolling
Yep... I find myself rolling my eyes more and more these days while on here. My office-mates probably think I have a disorder of some kind.
^ yup!
^ yup!
Yeah, I suppose. Maybe I am
Yeah, I suppose. Maybe I am just pmsing. Really rubbed me wrong when I was discribed as "groveling" to the BM. Puh-lease. I don't grovel to scum. She grovels to me. Get the facts straight man.
I can appreciate your
I can appreciate your sarcasm. No shit he has it nice, right?
So basically you have lent
So basically you have lent him a hand and he's taking you'd entire arm. It is nice that you help financially, but help only on things that are necessary. Do not buy toys for his kids and do not pay for anything that you're not comfortable with. If his financial situation is so tough, he should learn the value of money. Most importantly, other people's money.
As for the kids food: expert advice from CPS: if the kid doesn't eat the "normal food" that you prepare, he should wait for the next meal time. It is 100% unacceptable to make dinners just for them. Eventually they'll get hungry and eat your food.
And about the annoying little immature things his kids do, I fell you girl. I have no kids of my own but I have worked with kids for a long time and I know my skids are very immature and behind other kids their ages. It drives me insane whr SS5 asks if daddy can come to the bathroom because he has to pee and is scared of going alone. But you know what? I'm not gonna fight it anymore. Not my kid, not my problem. Disengage... That's what we're mostly trying to do.
The more I read about this
The more I read about this situation, the more freaked out I get.
Seriously, get him the fuck out of your house now.
This man has no balls, so YOU need to grow a pair and take care of your situation NOW.
Kick him out!
You've just let 4 parasites move into your home. He and his children are going to suck you dry: emotionally, financially, and physically.
He is sponging off you.
He is sponging off you. Financial issues or not he should be contributing more than half the rent, especially when his kids are there. My SO and I split all the bills in half for the house, except for the groceries, he pays for 2/3 as he has 2 mouths to feed, his and his sons and I only pay for 1/3. I would not allow what he is doing to you especially with him recently moving in. You need to set some financial rules NOW or have him get out, if he can't afford it that is NOT your fault!
Well...at the risk of
Well...at the risk of sounding way too soft, which I sometimes am...this is mainly sucking 4-6 days out of 30-31 (28 in February). How is the rest of the time? Does he have redeeming qualities in other respects? I mean TRULY redeeming qualities, not just mental gymnastics to justify putting up with him. I pay more of the bills than SO, but he also does plenty of the housework, all of the yardwork, all kinds of repairs, makes sure there are always certain things in the house that I like, is fun for all of us to be around, and all kinds of other good things...enough redeeming qualities for my whole family that I don't sweat the inequity. Enough redeeming qualities that if this were a "normal" first time around marriage I wouldn't be thinking about who makes more money and who spends what.
HOWEVER, I'm not footing the bill for all kinds of random stuff for his kids. That is just plain wrong. Is he the kind of person who you can have a rational conversation with about this? I know it feels like it would be "conflict" to you, but really it doesn't have to be. It can be just a regular conversation, I promise.
As far as the baby-talk and stuff...this could also be a regular conversation. This is where he's likely to go on the defense, or at least my SO does when it has to do with SD's behavior. I've found that framing these talks in the context of "surely he wants to help her be the best person she can and it's not doing her any favors to let her fill-in-the-blank" helps more than "your SD does fill-in-the-blank and I hate it."
And last, have you been to any counseling? After a mentally abusive relationship, you really should. Therapists are professionally trained to help you make goals and plan out these kinds of conversations. Things that a lot of us aren't that good at when left to our own devices.
Or...just break up with him...and hope you don't repeat your same behavior pattern next time.
Same thing with my Dh and his
Same thing with my Dh and his kids. They are given what they want at home, eat only fast food, and actually go to the point of acting like they are going to vomit when the food I cooked is in front of them. Dh won't do anything and won't change because he doesn't think he can/should change their behavior in the short amount of time he has them... My son has rules he has to eat. He does not get junk food. I am doing the best thing for my son and those kids can do whatever the hell they want when they are here. I stopped cooking because they would waste it. I wait until they ask for food and say" what do you want because when I make it I expect it to be eaten."
Thats about all you can do with a Dh that babies his kids and wont change.
On a side note your kids are grown why would you want to be with a DH that has little ones to care for that are such brats? As I tell everyone I would get out now and not put yourself through hell. It will be 15 years before those kids are not around as much.
Good luck.
I agree with most so far, sit
I agree with most so far, sit him down and have a discussion about your expectations.
Let him know that you are finding it hard to meet all the bills and groceries on your own, and that you need him to contribute. Not half as you have essentially 3 adults there all the time, and his 3 are only there a few days a month.
Maybe 3rds though?
And then discuss the skids issues as per what mama-althea says.