momoftwinz's picture

Private school for SD

I can't vent anywhere else. God forbid I say anything against SD.

SD is starting junior high in the fall. Her mother is a professional student so to accommodate her need to be in school for the rest of her natural life, they're moving and SD needs to change schools. BM wants to enroll SD in private school that's closer to our house. The inlaws (DH's parents) know this is financially a stretch so they offered to pay half the tuition, DH and BM would each pay a quarter. I know it's generous but this will still be $500 a month + whatever other expenses the school charges. SD's talking about all the after school activities she can sign up for, Japanese lessons, piano lessons, of course it's all about spending money than coming to our house after school.

I know stepmothers are suppose to suck it up and deal with the expenses or the stepkid but it don't get how it's okay to screw over your other kids. To swing private school for DH wants to delay putting our twin boys in preschool. I guess SD's education more important than the boys. Who cares if they're behind in kindergarten.

I get no say in any of this. I'm a stay at home mom. He's makes the money, he gets to decide how to spend it. So SD gets private school.

Anon2009's picture

I'm sorry All I can say is

I'm sorry Sad

All I can say is try to remember it's not SD's fault. Also, she's at that age where hanging out with her friends is much cooler than hanging out with Dad.

What state do you live in? Depending on the laws of your state, you might be able to get child support readjusted by asking the system/judge to figure out BM's earning potential. If she has a high earning potential, child support might go down, even if only a little. Some judges might even tell her to get a job. With all the education she has received, her resume will probably be stellar.

Also, what are your feelings regarding going back to work once your kids start preschool, even if you only go back part-time?


Chapter 3, Ecclesiastes, vs. 1-8

momoftwinz's picture

BM does have a job but she's

BM does have a job but she's still in school for the foreseeable future. Child support is being adjusted because BM's going to be working later now and SD's going to be with us a few nights a week. The school is kinda midway between where we are and BM lives so it's suppose to be more convenient for DH to be more involved on a regular basis.

Me going back to work is the issue when I bring up money, especially with the inlaws. I was hoping we might try to have another baby but that might not be in the cards with all this. Every time it looks like we're getting out of the red financially BM comes up with some new thing DH has to pay for. And he just pays.

Helena.Handbasket's picture

I really feel for you on this

I really feel for you on this one. The only word of advice I can give you is that you may need to just take the bull by the horns and do for your kids yourself. that would probably mean going back to work. Your DHs behavior wouldn't fly with me either. I'd be very unhappy. Private school is so expensive and there is constantly money going out the door for something. I watched SO pour money in to SD's private school for her to stick with it only 2 months (a waste of $15,000).


There's no need to interact with me, I'm just here to observe. -Sheldon Cooper
Formerly *Alwaysanxious*

stepmomfromhell's picture

Is this private school a

Is this private school a boarding school? if so you might be in for some luck. While SD is away at school you and DH will be able to pay more attention to your twins, they will be able to enter kindergarten in a public school close to your home. In the mean time you look for a preschool for your twins, forget about what your DH is doing for his daughter.

knucklehead's picture

So you're saying this school

So you're saying this school is TWO thousand bucks a month?!?!?
If $500 is only 1/4...

How old are your kids? If they are only 3 or 4, preschool might be a bit early. Most kindergartners start the year they are 5-6, so that might be ok.

However, SD will be in school long after the twins start...

Also, why not get a job and pay for your kids' preschool if it's important to you? I have to be honest. I was a SAHM for a dozen years, and I work now and support my kids. I have a hard time with women who stay home and are completely taken care of...and complain they don't get to control the money.
You want money to control? Make your own. Nothing is stopping you. You could get a part time job while they are in preschool and use the income to pay for it.

momoftwinz's picture

Tuition for the private

Tuition for the private school is very expensive. BM thought she'd get some sort of financially assistance but it didn't happen. The costs are crazy between tuition, fees, uniforms, lunch.

If could make good money going back to work, I'd do it in a second. I'm not sure working at Starbucks part time is going to make me all that financially independent.

The boys are young, maybe even too young for preschool but nearby theirs a preschool that accepts kids as young as 2 1/2 as long as their potty trained. I love being a SATM and I'm not in a rush to send off them off to school but they expect a lot out of kids in kindergarten.

Disneyfan's picture

How about working at the

How about working at the school you want them to attend? Maybe they are hiring classroom aides or lunchroom aides.

It's possible you'll get a good discount and you will still be home with your kids.

stepmomfromhell's picture

I'm just wondering whether

I'm just wondering whether her grandparents and DH and BM planned that SD would be going to this school since she was little and the plan remained in place after you married DH. SD's education plan should have changed the moment you married her father.

But just the same if she is going to a private boarding school at least she will be out of the way of your family, which means no drama.

momoftwinz's picture

I don't think there was a

I don't think there was a plan. BM applied to several schools out of state but didn't get in. I think that was the plan.

The inlaws wouldn't spring for boarding school. They're too involved in SD's life. They're thrilled SD is staying close by.

Kes's picture

Speaking as a socialist I

Speaking as a socialist I disagree with private schools on principal. My adult daughters both attended state schools here in the UK, went to university, and both have very good degrees.

My SD17 and SD15 have been privately educated since the age of 4 - which has not only cost an absolute fortune, but has not turned them out any better than if they had been in state school. They are both average students - SD15 very much below average - and even the small classes in the private school has not helped - she is expected to do poorly in her exams next year.

It's all very well for me to accept that if DH wanted to chuck his money down a rat hole in the form of private ed for his girls, but for you - it's going to affect your own children. I would definitely have a big problem with that.


Veteran disengaged SM of 14 years. Underestimate me, that'll be fun.

Helena.Handbasket's picture

1. Depends on the school. I

1. Depends on the school. I have experienced "cheaper" private, public (I live in a non accredited school district, our public schools suck bad), and more expensive private schools. In my situation, you get what you pay for.
2. Yes it CAN also be about class. Given the class of people I grew up with, I would rather send my kid to private school and keep them away from the class of people I was around.

I agree with Kes, in some instances and on some kids its an obvious waste of money. It was for my SD too. SS13-- jury is still out.

Again, agree with Kes, if this affected my kids, I'd have a huge problem and would be taking action myself


There's no need to interact with me, I'm just here to observe. -Sheldon Cooper
Formerly *Alwaysanxious*

momoftwinz's picture

I'm not a fan of private

I'm not a fan of private schools. I think it's a huge waste. SD was in a great public school before but BM had to move and couldn't SD in the GATE program in the new district.

I wouldn't want my kids going to the public jr high that BM would have to send SD to but I'm just ticked she didn't just stay where she was.

Helena.Handbasket's picture

Again, I can see your point

Again, I can see your point except the public schools in my area are not accredited.


There's no need to interact with me, I'm just here to observe. -Sheldon Cooper
Formerly *Alwaysanxious*

momoftwinz's picture

Well, SD cooks for herself.

Well, SD cooks for herself. She doesn't trust me to follow her special diet. She has food allergies.

Disneyfan's picture

Since money is the only

Since money is the only reason husband is saying no to preschool,working will allow you to shut the door on that excuse.

Disneyfan's picture

Trying to shame them may not

Trying to shame them may not work.

They may bite back and point out that one mom works so can help them with the payments.

They may point out that there is a huge age difference. Expecting them to keep things equal between toddlers and a preteen/teen is crazy.

They may point out that life is not fair.

They may point out that it's their money and they are free to spend as they see fit.

Who knows,maybe when the boys are SD's age, they will be happy to help pay for them to attend private school.

simifan's picture

This would be a deal breaker

This would be a deal breaker for me. I would be livid that my children were considered less. Good luck to you.


"Evil stepmothers are not born, they are made. Apparently you make them from the spines and testicles of Disney dads." - wineisthecure