This is so true, I was willing to love sd6, the reality was somewhat different, Daddy's discipline was non existant, if sd was horrible to me, it was somehow my fault, I put my foot down and things got better, still it was a nightmare.
I was raised the same way but like most people on this site, that is not the way it is in my household now. I grew up with 1 brother, and my mother and father were married almost 30 years before my dad passed away 3 years ago. I NEVER felt unloved or unimportant in ANY way, however we were NOT given the opportunity/authority to interfere in my parents' relationship the way SD interferes in my relationship with DH. Comparing the 2 situations is actually really eye-opening because I can't even imagine what my parents would have done if I behaved the way SD does!
I agree with other posters, it does depend on the situation and what you're walking into. As for me, I WANTED to love mine. I came into the situation when they were young adults. They had lost their bio-mom and idealized her as a saint (thought my hubby told me the truth on that--she was not), then after she passed he dated an abusive woman. So I kept trying to prove I was not trying to replace bio mom and that I was a good person who wouldn't hurt them or their dad like Abuser ex-GF. I went over the top, enabling, rescuing them from all their self-induced dramas and BS, and going over-board trying to be kind and sweet and never show my own temper (which does flare up but never to abusive porportions--but I was so scared of being compared to the abuser I never wanted to even seem annoyed), for nothing. I realized if they don't get I'm a good person by now, they never will. I've stopped enabling and I'm trying to detach myself emotionally and learn that I don't have to love them or like them, just be cordial and respectful of their relationship with my hubby (though when it becomes toxic and moochy on their behalf I do intervene because I hate seeing him used and hurt). I still mourn what could have been and what they threw away in me and I still hold the faintest bit of hope that we can have a loving relationship someday as respectful adults. But till that day, all I can do is play nice and go through the motions. I think some stepmoms can love their children; I feel the chances may be better for a real relatoinship if you come into it when they're younger, and if you're working with a bio mom who is reasonable, but again, it's all circumstancial. Just be kind, set boundaries and limits, communicate with your SO, and beyond that, let the rest evolve from there.
I am second time step mum, I loved my first 2 step children and my sd6 now is a little more challenging but I do love her, it dosn't happen over night thats for sure, it is a gradual process and takes hard work, saying that there are people on this site who have really tried and have gotten nowhere, I really feel for them, plus it depends on how "naughty" bm decides to be, I decided to make the best of things, sometimes I thought my head would pop, but things are much better now, I still have to battle Daddy sometimes because he is so soft, plus bm likes to stir the shit pot, it is so hard being a bio parent but to be a step parent is something else.
i dont hold out much hope, i
i dont hold out much hope, i dont hate them so thats a start
, i dont think you should put too much pressure on yourself to love them either.
This is so true, I was
This is so true, I was willing to love sd6, the reality was somewhat different, Daddy's discipline was non existant, if sd was horrible to me, it was somehow my fault, I put my foot down and things got better, still it was a nightmare.
love this!
love this!
I was raised the same way but
I was raised the same way but like most people on this site, that is not the way it is in my household now. I grew up with 1 brother, and my mother and father were married almost 30 years before my dad passed away 3 years ago. I NEVER felt unloved or unimportant in ANY way, however we were NOT given the opportunity/authority to interfere in my parents' relationship the way SD interferes in my relationship with DH. Comparing the 2 situations is actually really eye-opening because I can't even imagine what my parents would have done if I behaved the way SD does!
I agree with other posters,
I agree with other posters, it does depend on the situation and what you're walking into. As for me, I WANTED to love mine. I came into the situation when they were young adults. They had lost their bio-mom and idealized her as a saint (thought my hubby told me the truth on that--she was not), then after she passed he dated an abusive woman. So I kept trying to prove I was not trying to replace bio mom and that I was a good person who wouldn't hurt them or their dad like Abuser ex-GF. I went over the top, enabling, rescuing them from all their self-induced dramas and BS, and going over-board trying to be kind and sweet and never show my own temper (which does flare up but never to abusive porportions--but I was so scared of being compared to the abuser I never wanted to even seem annoyed), for nothing. I realized if they don't get I'm a good person by now, they never will. I've stopped enabling and I'm trying to detach myself emotionally and learn that I don't have to love them or like them, just be cordial and respectful of their relationship with my hubby (though when it becomes toxic and moochy on their behalf I do intervene because I hate seeing him used and hurt). I still mourn what could have been and what they threw away in me and I still hold the faintest bit of hope that we can have a loving relationship someday as respectful adults. But till that day, all I can do is play nice and go through the motions. I think some stepmoms can love their children; I feel the chances may be better for a real relatoinship if you come into it when they're younger, and if you're working with a bio mom who is reasonable, but again, it's all circumstancial. Just be kind, set boundaries and limits, communicate with your SO, and beyond that, let the rest evolve from there.
I am second time step mum, I
I am second time step mum, I loved my first 2 step children and my sd6 now is a little more challenging but I do love her, it dosn't happen over night thats for sure, it is a gradual process and takes hard work, saying that there are people on this site who have really tried and have gotten nowhere, I really feel for them, plus it depends on how "naughty" bm decides to be, I decided to make the best of things, sometimes I thought my head would pop, but things are much better now, I still have to battle Daddy sometimes because he is so soft, plus bm likes to stir the shit pot, it is so hard being a bio parent but to be a step parent is something else.