I feel like I'm slipping slowly down a dark tunnelSubmitted by vness66 on Tue, 05/08/2012 - 12:25am
This is my first time posting on this site. I am looking for answers to my situation which seems just too complicated to resolve. When I met my partner, he was separated and living with his daughter. His wife had moved interstate and she had told him in no uncertain terms that she was ending their marraige. They had been separated for three months when I met him. I had to sell my home after we had been seeing each other for about 6 months and I moved in with him. His daughter(then 17) had already relocated interstate with her mother before I moved in as I was spending time with her father. Even then there would be unexpected emotional outburts from her which I found very difficult to be around and caused him to run to her rescue and help her feel better. We had a very nice life together without many complications after his daughter joined her mother interstate, I met his family and they seemed to accept me and I got on quite well with them. I have babysat my partners brothers children, took his mother's adopted daughter out to the movies etc etc. to try and establish a positive relationship with the family.
My difficulties started when his wife returned and changed her mind. She moved in with his brothers and insisted on meeting me immediately, coming to the door twice. I refused because she was being too full on and I knew she just wanted to assert her dominant position over me. Following this there were family get-togethers that I was not allowed to attend as his mother suggested it would upset his wife if I were there. His wife later got her own place 5 minutes away from us and he spent his daughters birthdays there without me. I was not able to go and even if I could I wouldn't have. I would have felt very awkward and intimidated. He always went and left me at home. I finally left and travelled 2000kms to my home town. I phoned in the morning I was on the road and he told me to have a good trip. I later found out he was beside his wife in bed at the time. When away he kept texting me and really saying everything I needed to hear to get me back, I found out 6 months after I returned that at this time he was having sex with his wife, but this stopped when I returned.
She still wanted him back and would leave messages that I would find that she had been there, the children refused to be around me and his mother and his family turned on me. When I was at work one day he took his mother and his wife to the local club for race day, I only found out when someone I know there told me. He did not own up to it at the time when I confronted him, he made up another story. He confessed to me later. Just before I left for the second time. When I returned again because of his pull over me (he told me that I would always attend functions and that he was sure he loved me)This was just after Christmas and I had already decided to go as his wife was going to be a part of Christmas - he bought her a christmas present also He also lied to me about his whereabouts - he was having dinner and lunches with his wife and children and they went christmas shopping together without me knowing. During this time the children, his mother and his wife were sending me nasty texts, telling me to leave town, they hate me etc. His response to this what that I was too sensitive and that they were only words. When I spent Easter in Melbourne for a break with my independent 25yo son, on my return I found pantys in his bed, earrings in the side draw, he said his wife must have planted them there. Due to the stress of all these issues for the past 18 months I started drinking and when he was also drinking these unresolved issues would come up and they was some violence at this time. He is on a dvo order, but I blame myself for the situations that arose as well as often I would be angry when drinking.He is stronger than me though and I would come off second best. In the past few months he has been trying harder, I have given up my job and I am now working for him and I have increased his business by quite a bit but I relie on him to pay me commission. He does cover all other costs though but I still feel vulnerable.
The wife has now found someone to date, but still calls upon him at a moments notice to pick up his daughter or to help her with something else and he has usually complied. If his daughter does not get her own way she will call and call and call and cry etc etc. until she does. At one time my partner and I had to hide in the unit as his daughter and wife were banging on the door to confront me. He use to discuss our relationship with his wife and also told the family about the three times there was violence and they of course blame me - it gave them the perfect excuse to hate me. I keep on keeping on through all of this, the children are now somehow ready to see me since now the wife has a boyfriend and it suits her, I think so I will be babysitting whilst she is out with her boyfriend. Just last weekend I went to my partners brothers 30th birthday, the wife was of course there and I was told that this time I could attend. It was uncomfortable, she flirted with him and rubbed me on the shoulder as she walked by after I saw her doing it. My partner smiled at her whilst she was flirting. His family still have a solid relationship with his wife and will invite her to all family functions even though my partner and I will not go if she is there. He tells me that he can't tell his family what to do.
After the 30th I had been so stressed about the situation I feel that it has just exhausted me this week, the next day also is when she wanted him to pick up his daughter without notice because she had decided to stay at the Casino. He didn't pick his daughter up and left her with his mother who has already agreed to babysit his daughter. The wife then sent abusive texts, the daughter got very upset and his mother phoned to him to tell him that he looked disgustng the night of the party and if he didn't do something to change that she would never speak to him again.
I feel like I am going crazy, this situation has zapped all of my strength, my partner hears me but is never able to provide me with any option that isn't a bandaide, he wants me to be strong and just continue on. I miss being able to be part of an extended family but there is no room for me. It is hard to now start trying for a better relationship with his girls given the abuse I have had over the past 18 months, I just don't trust any of them. I have spent most of the day in bed, I am totally exhausted and depressed. I have written alot but I have left out other things that have just kept adding up to kill my enthusiasm for life, my trust in him and any hope really to be happy right now. I think I have hit depression.