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communication between mother and step-mother

dizzy miss's picture

Submitted by dizzy miss on Sun, 10/31/2010 - 3:18am

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Parenting Issues

I am the step-mother of an 8 yr old girl. Her father and i have been together since she was 2 and we have just recently got married. Her mother and i have had a rocky past and never really seen eye to eye. In the past year the mother has questioned my behavior whilst the child is in my care on two seperate occasion, 1.not giving the child breakfast on our wedding day and 2.telling the child she loves her mother too much. it is not the accusations that bother me but the apparent lack of trust in my ability to care for the child. After 6 years should there not be a mutual respect atleast. I feel i need to speak with the mother to try and sort out where we stand but am not sure how to address the issue. Or should i leave the matter alone and see if anything else happens. Your advice would be much appreciated.

anabihibik's picture

Submitted by anabihibik on Sun, 10/31/2010 - 5:52am

Depending on her personality, you may save yourself a TON of grief and stress and drama if you just let it be. I let my SO deal with his ex. This is my second go at a relationship with a guy with kids. This is WAY less stressful, and more healthy than what I experienced before. I handled almost all communication in some way before. The previous BM didn't care about me. i was nothing to her. And, that hurt. But, it was true. At the end of the day, the favorite line seems to be that step parents aren't the parent. So, I advocate for letting the parents deal with each other.

MaGoose2010's picture

Submitted by MaGoose2010 on Sun, 10/31/2010 - 5:59am

I agree with ana above. Best way is to stay out of communication with/ or about the BM. That's the way it works with us and it WORKS well. I learned the hard way and just withdrew from any relationship with her. FH does all the communication and it works. I pretend she doesn't exist.

Don't set yourself up for unnecessary drama. Trust me you don't need it in your life.

Good luck.
MG

wriggsy's picture

Submitted by wriggsy on Mon, 11/01/2010 - 8:01am

Unless BM is a REAL lady...I would let SO deal with her. I went that route when DH and I started dating. (SS was a 1 1/2, SD was 3 when we started dating, they are now SS12 and SDstb14, so I have been in their life for over 10 years). I used to make sure that they had gifts to give their mom on Mothers Day, I used to make sure they were clean, fed, etc when she would pick them up. I tried to be the "end all, be all" of step moms. It so backfired. Everything I would tell SD would come back to haunt me from the mouth of AM. Every nice thing I used to do, I guess she took to mean I was weak and wanting to cater to her and her kids every whim. She has taken full advantage of being mean every chance she gets, so I don't speak to her any longer.

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

Submitted by GoodbyeNormaJean on Tue, 11/02/2010 - 12:59am

My take on it would be that counterproductive to try and hash it out with her. Unless you can coparent with her, it's a lost cause. You and DH care for SD on your parenting time, and leave BM to care for SD on her parenting time. Unless the kid is put in DIRECT PERIL of DEATH or PERMANENT DAMAGE do not interfere with each other.

Kids that age don't die for missing meals. My skids miss meals at their BMs all the time, and while I'd like to tell those BMs to pound salt, we just hit the old Golden Arches on the way home and talk about how glad we are that chicken nuggets are now made of 100% white meat. Delish!

Don't sweat what she thinks. If she were so great they'd still be married.