Hi! I'm new here. You know that cliche"between a rock and a hard place"? Well, that is my life. My relationship is really complicated (they're still getting divorced) and I am not technically a stepmom yet...but my partner and I have been together 2 years.  And, because his ex/BM is a completely unstable person, our relationship is not known to his kids. If it was, she would take him (and by extension us) for everything he has, keep the kids away, and more. It would be ugly. So we wait...

Backstory, my partner has a 11YO D and 10 YO S. D has ADHD (like her dad) and S has behavior problems, but he is also VERY smart. He's being tested for the gifted programs in the next couple weeks and everyone, including me, believes he will be moved up a grade or two. According to my partner, S has had behavior issues since he was a toddler and he would lose his shit for no reason, all the time, especially when asked or told to do something. (I will add that he grew up in a very toxic enviornment. Their marriage was voliatle, *lots* of fighting and toxicity, largely from her. My partner had his role in it too, but those things obviously had an effect on his kids.) S is still like this. S doesn't listen to his BM at all, ever, for any reason. She can barely get him to brush his teeth. He is defiant to her and to staff members at day care. (He goes to the YMCA  and is unfortunately there instead of school bc of Covid.) However, he always listen to Dad. He does argue, but he listens and does what he is told and is a 97% of the time very enjoyable, funny, smart kid. This is not what BM or staff members get from him. In fact, he has been so much "trouble" that today he was offiically kicked out of his daycare center forever. (This is unfortunate for them obviously.)

He was supposed to change his environment (per therapist) and stay with us for the next 3-4 weeks non-stop, not even seeing his mom, to hopefully find causes and be able to implement change. It was going to be tough, but it was what he needed, and I still think, is what he needs. But after today, his mom lost it. My partner had to leave work to get S from her, and she is saying that she is testing him for ADHD but if it is negative, she wants to send him to military school. 

 My partner, nor I, think this is a good solution. He suggested that he take primary custody of S, see if that helps, and BM took it all to mean she is a bad parent etc and said she'd die before she let that happen. Okay...so you'd rather send your kid away and not deal with him than even let his own dad do it? I am not even his mom and I am out here doing research, advocating for him, trying to help them both understand that other things could be going on and sharing this information with my partner. Often "Gifted" students have issues with anger, boredom, ADHD, anxiety...there are a LOT of reasons he could be struggling -- and instead of fixing the issue and helping him solve the problems, you want to send him away? He's 10. He needs structure, good parenting, encouragement, love, adventure, discipline...not military school. And when you look at his history of being in a negative environment, it makes sense that he would be struggling. And he acts as if he doesn't even mean to misbehave. I just don't think he has that kind of emotional control to understand it, and frankly neither does his BM. 

I told my partner if he wanted to fight this, fight for his kid, that we could do it. It's not what we wanted. Money is tight and they've been doing most of the divorce stuff amicably and inexpensively. A giant custody battle would suck balls. But to me, it would be worth it if you feel like your kid matters and that the issues are worth trying to solve rather than sending him away to be someone else's problem. I said this to him, and he was like "I don't know what to do." I am giving him space to think about it. 

I don't know what I'm looking for or why I am sharing this here. I guess I just needed to vent. I really struggle to understand how someone can just give up on their kid! And worse, how you can give up on him but not want to have better things for him? Is your pride that strong that you would risk his happiness and his future just so you don't have to feel like you're the issue? How is military school for a 10yo better than living with his dad? 

I just don't get it.

Send Tequila 

Edit -- I am not sure where to put this post, so I hope general was okay.