crwfrdmndy's picture

Help! My 12 year old stepson "touched" my 6 year old daughter

Help! My 12 year old stepson "touched" my 6 year old daughter..
Last night I walked into my daughter’s room to find a "surprised" 12 year old boy and my 6 year old daughter. I asked what they were doing, which he replied "cleaning". Call it mothers intuition, but I felt like something was wrong. I went to put my 6 year old daughter in the bath tub, and asked her what they were doing. She then informed me "we were playing that game where we get on our hands and knees" (at this point she was now demonstrating the action, which to be blunt was on all "fours". and proceeded to tell me he got "behind" her. I called my husband into another room, and told him what his son had done to our daughter. We asked the boy what he was doing, and he told us, and said he's done it to her before. His dad did talk to him further about inappropriate behavior, and will not be tolerated. We called stepson's mom over (which they have joint custody) and informed her, which she was also displeased. I don't know what to do at this point. Without getting all involved with the feelings side of this (anger, shocked, appalled etc.) I dont want to look at him, let alone talk to him, and DH says "we can not turn our back on him"..I know that is what i am suppose to feel but i do not. I don't know the next steps we should take should be besides counseling... I NEVER WANT THIS TO HAPPEN AGAIN. Thanks for any advise.

stormabruin's picture

I don't know what to say,

I don't know what to say, other than I'm so sorry for you & your daughter. I wish I had more to offer. Sad

"Women are angels & when someone breaks our wings we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible like that."

HennyPen's picture

This scenario scares the hell

This scenario scares the hell out of me. My son is 10, my SD is 5..and we are approaching those learning about bodies sexualty age for him. (I may be more afraid than needed as my sister was abused by her half brother when she was 5, I have a rule in my home. never EVER is there to be the SD's and my son in a room with a door closed.) I try to monitor ALL the time because that situation scares me. I know it is part of maturing and growing up but I think the risk of "experimenting" with Step siblings is higher than full time/blood siblings.

I can see where your DH is coming from too..about not turning him away. You probably won't be able to look at him quite the same now either.

I would make sure they are never ever alone in any private setting.

you can watch things happen, you make things happen or you can wonder what the hell happened.

CrystalRE's picture

I would get him in to

I would get him in to counseling right away! If its an option for him to spend ALL overnights with BM until you get reccomendations from a professional, I would do that also.

HennyPen's picture

Crwfrdmndy I just PM'd you.

Crwfrdmndy I just PM'd you.

you can watch things happen, you make things happen or you can wonder what the hell happened.

just-a-mom's picture

I feel so bad for you, your

I feel so bad for you, your daughter, and your DH. My SS is a pedofile and it is terrifying. When I found out about SS's issues, I amde it clear that he was to never be alone with my children and could not have any overnight access for any reason. Well, it wasn't enough because SS, soon after, started making verbal advances to my youngest son. I pushed for counselling and even paid for it myself for SS! What I also did was refuse to have SS in my home for any reason. SS still is not allowed in my home and will not be anywhere near my children. My children's safety is more important than SS's lack of control and issues. That is not my problem or responsiblity.

The safety of your daughter is your responsiblity. At 12, your SS is old enough to damn well know what he is doing and that it is wrong. There is no acceptable excuse. I would not allow SS to ever be in your home unsupervised. That means if he is in a room with you and you are leaving that room to go elsewhere and your DH is not available then SS is to tag along with you. I also would never allow SS to stay overnight. Being as there has already been more than one incident, there is justifible reason to be concerned that SS may try something at night when you are sleeping and unable to physically supervise him. Have DH pick SS up for day visits and at night he will have to stay with his BM. I would also be asking where he learned the whole "down on hands and knees" thing. That would be concerning for me. 12 year olds may experiment with other 12 year olds but they don't naturally experiment with 6 year olds.. Did someone ever do something to him that taught him it was okay to violate an innocent child? The actions should be concerning for that reason as well.

I wish there was an easy answer but there isn't. I am still dealing with it. My DH gets mad and upset that his children are not welcome in my home and he has to excerise access elsewhere but I will not back down. The safety of my children matters more to me than DH does and I have already told DH that DH is welcome to leave anytime. Please, get your daughter into couselling as well. It is extremely important for her future well-being.

Please feel free to message me anytime. I feel so sorry for you. It is going to be a long road with no easy answers. Life has now changed for all of you forever. The family dynamics have forever changed. You sense of safety in your home has forever changed. You have now learned to be afraid in your own home. I am sorry.

A friend is someone we can count on for understanding, support, discretions, and if we're lucky, insight, wisdom, and well-timed foolishness.......... John R. O'Neil

just-a-mom's picture

Another thing I left out was

Another thing I left out was that these incidents do need to be reported to the proper authorities. They are illegal and classed and incest, sexual exploitation, sexual assualt, etc. You need to call the police as well as the "Childrens' Aid" or whatever the child welfare agencies are called in your area. Legally you are obligated to do so. All adults, without predjudice, are legally obligated to report any and all incidents/suspected incidents of Child Abuse or if they have knowledge of a child being a victim or crime.

As difficult as this may be, you do need to report this. Who is to say your SS hasn't tried this with anyone else or any of your daughter's friends or other family members.....

I wish you strength through this. It isn't going to be easy and may involved you making some of the hardest decisions of your life.

A friend is someone we can count on for understanding, support, discretions, and if we're lucky, insight, wisdom, and well-timed foolishness.......... John R. O'Neil

HennyPen's picture

No offense but no where did

No offense but no where did is say her SS actually "violated" her daughter and there is a lot of missing information before advice is given to have the "police" "incest" words thrown around. I think if her daughter was hurt or needed medical care she would have taken those steps already. This may be more of the "show you mine if you'll show me yours incident".

you can watch things happen, you make things happen or you can wonder what the hell happened.

misfit's picture

I agree that the girl's

I agree that the girl's safety is most important but we can't overlook that this boy might be very very confused and misinformed.

At 12, yes he may know what's right from wrong, but that doesn't stop his curiosity, physical urges, and the preteen level of maturity to contribute to his actions.

He was wrong to do what he did but how can we identify his motivation if we don't know what he thinks of these "bad" acts.

misfit's picture

I wish I had some advice

I wish I had some advice other than echoing what everyone has already said; counseling and keeping the kids apart.

It's hard to judge your SS's maturity level and his understanding of sexual acts. I believe this sort of behavior, though questionable, inappropriate and certainly fear inducing, is also a part of growing up. I'm not saying it is "normal" because there are so many variables and information missing, but boys his age are at a stage of curiosity (to say the least) and with our over sexed media and society, this is quite common. It doesn't make it okay and it's completely understandable that you are feeling so angry and scared. The boy needs to be spoken to several times. Someone needs to sit down with him and answer his questions, as I'm certain he has many, in a non threatening and non intimidating way. I'm presuming no one even knows WHAT he knows, what he thinks, what his version of appropriate is. Dad should have been at least asking his son if he's had any thoughts.

Sex is an extremely sensitive and uncomfortable subject but there are resources out there that help parents introduce it. There must be more communication.

Stay strong and keep us updated.

stormabruin's picture

I think it's clear SS knows

I think it's clear SS knows what he's doing is wrong, as he felt compelled to tell you he was cleaning when you came in unexpectedly. However it's handled, he needs to know it's unacceptable & that it's a crime. I certainly would have him speak with a counselor, while it's still fresh, so that if there have been other things going on...possibly someone "touching" him, it can be dealt with now.

"Women are angels & when someone breaks our wings we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible like that."

herewegoagain's picture

He needs to be removed from

He needs to be removed from your house immediately. He needs to be put in counseling. Your daughter, you and your husband need to go to counseling. Once his counselor feels he can return to your home, your daughter should sleep with another adult in the room until YOU and your daughter feels safe. After that, you should put a baby monitor in her room and yours until your daughter is old enough to scream, understand this is not appropiate, etc.

That is option one...if the dad and mother do not agree to this, option two is call CPS and get the police involved.

Period. End of story.

Hugs to you and your daughter. Be strong for her! You can do it!

If you do not act and go along w/your husband's guilty daddy wishes, YOU will regret it and your daughter will resent you.


ybarra357's picture

It would be different of both

It would be different of both of them were the same age. Natural curiosity. However due the fact that SS is twice her age is cause for grave concern. Especially due to the fact this it has happened before. Don't just ignore this. Protect your daughter at all costs. Go to counseling immediately. Counselors in most states are 'mandated reporters' who must call authorities when abuse is suspected. DH may not have a choice to have his kid reported.

confused and hurt's picture

I tried that rought in Iowa

I tried that rought in Iowa and they did nothing when we caught ss trying to tough my cuzn daughter no1 helped not dhs councilor no1 til we pressed charges after finding out 13yr old navy ss was sexually abusing my 5yr old bs

TheOtherMom's picture

I am soooo sorry to hear this

I am soooo sorry to hear this ...
I agree with SMofkknowitall. He needs to get to therapy. But this is not always an option ...

SS had to learn it from somewhere. Is he watching porn? Is he alone a lot? If so, stop letting him be alone because he needs a proper social network. I am about 95% sure that a 12 year old touching a 6 year old is totally taboo in the kid circle as much as it is in the grown up circle of society.
Is there bad blood between DD and SS? Is he resentful of her? Perhaps it is a power thing?

SS11 and SS9 went through a period of smacking each other's parts - yes, totally inappropriate - and when we finally got down to it, it was SS11's way of showing he is boss. We dealt with it pretty quick but this is the time when boys start waking up to hormonal feelings.

I don't pray but I am full of hope that you are able to resolve this.

"Never teach a puppy something you wouldn't want a grown dog to do," - Cesar Milan.

The same can be said for children - NEVER teach a child something you don't want an adult to do.

SteppingUp's picture

I think you brought up a

I think you brought up a really good point here, although I see both sides and think it really depends on the parent's point of view and knowledge of their children's behavior, emotions, actions, and intentions.

I think the strongest point you make, DPW, is the part about making the 6 year old into a victim...being investigated at that age can be incredibly traumatizing, which is part of the reason why so many CPS referrals don't have enough preponderance of evidence to go through with the investigation. (Sad in some cases where it is real abuse and it gets pushed aside, but it's also good for other cases where there are false claims, to save the child from an embarrassing and in-depth investigation.)

Also it is very confusing for that age because they don't know what the "right" answer is and sometimes look to their adults/parents and try to decide what the answer is that they are looking for in order to get out of the awkward and uncomfortable situation. They have a hard time discerning what is a true event and what someone is telling them happened, especially if they believe they are in "trouble".

I thought immediately about Tonya Craft, the teacher who was just acquitted from a child molestation appeared to the jury that the children involved were not interviewed properly and were coerced into believing they were molested.

Just some thoughts, anyways.

HennyPen's picture

Thaaank you DPW!! you put

Thaaank you DPW!! you put into words exactly what I was thinking earlier.

you can watch things happen, you make things happen or you can wonder what the hell happened.

iwishyouwould's picture

therapy for both of them,

therapy for both of them, never leave him alone with your daughter, more time at bm's, "your body belongs to you" type books for your daughter, and some serious punishment for your stepson that extends to his mothers house. I dont think this is a police issue, but i do think it is something that you need to deal with immediately, all adults present.

"if you don't have anything nice to say, then shut the fuck up."

confused and hurt's picture

I caught my ss making a video

I caught my ss making a video of 2 of my bs instructing them to touch each other, we sat all 3 of the boys down and had the talk about what's right and wrong this was about a yr ago... my ss treated me and my family horrible and my husband always said we cant turn our backs...i always felt its turning your back when nothing is dont...we found out few weeks ago ss has been sexually abuseing my 5yr old disabled BS... my husband called cops instantly and we pressed charges... its hard we both feel different its his son abusing my son i still don't know how to feel!!! Please watch her close from my experience they dont stop and getting ss help was impossible until charges were pressed now he in kid jail til figure out where he will go...i want to cry everyday the thought of ss admitted to details of abuse and feels as he did nothing wrong and tonight husband ask me are we buying ss Christmas !!!!!!!