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At my threshold...disengage?

alohaanne's picture
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My husband and I will be married for a year in January. We have known each other for five years and started dating two years before we married. I met his two daughters(now 7, & 9) a year before marriage. When I met the girls, and after I moved in I knew something was not right with their relationship. It's the classic mini-wife syndrome. Prior to marriage I brought this to my husbands attention after I read a book. He agreed to read a book about it. After he let down his defensiveness he saw exactly what was going on and he agreed. Since then which has been almost two years, he still reverts into allowing mini-wife syndrome. It makes me so sick to my stomach and its absolutely disgusting. He will be on a good parenting streak with me than the next day he is a completely different man or shall I say child. When he goes into the mode of allowing mini-wife to rule he also disregards any boundaries, rules, and fails to enforce respect for me. One bad day like this out of a a few destroys the good ones. I feel completely betrayed and then we have an escalated argument over it. I hate the inconsistency and I'm tired of always having to remind him. I get walked all over on after cooking, shopping, and creating new things for the girls to learn such as teaching them to sew. Being a victim of divorce myself I go out of my way to make sure the girls feel loved and belonged. I include them in everything. My husband doesn't discipline at all, and tells me to do it. I don't think that is right and I'm tired of enforcing those that are not enforceable. I feel like I'm always having to be the only adult around the three of them. He is so passive and excuses it as he doesn't notice those things. I feel like an outsider in my own time when they are here. So I hate and dread picking them up and seeing them. I see them as spoiled little monsters now that are going to be lethal when they are teenagers. We have them every other weekend and for 4 hours for a midweek visit every week. I have an 18 year old daughter and a 14 year old son who I have full custody over. They see it as well. I'm an experienced parent and its bull crap to have unleashed wild things dominate the household every time they are here because there father can't parent like a man.

His ex-wife is down right evil. She is thriving jealous of me and has never moved on. She makes it worst by talking bad about me to the girls. I'm so tired of it. It feels like I'm a mistress with my husband who has another family. I hate it. My husband is to blame because he never established boundaries with his ex-wife until I came a long in the picture. His ex-wife is a narcissist so it has been very strenuous. He still is constantly in court over custody etc, even though they have been divorced for over 5 years.

I'm at my threshold. Disengaging I feel will further segregate my family, but at the same time I'm so tired of getting rolled on, treated with disrespect, and seeing my husband act ball less around his daughters. He acts like a completely different person. He gets mean now when I talk to him about it. I don't know what to do. I feel like running!!!! Any advise?

alohaanne's picture

I forgot to mention I have MAJOR lower abdominal surgery Dec 8th. I have been on disability since July for Chronic pelvic pain. I already had a surgery since then. I'm suspected of uterine cancer, but they couldn't even get inside my uterus through my cervix. On top of that I just found out I have early breast cancer and I have a surgery consolation for that two weeks after my other surgery. I have had 4 cancers in my life already and I'm 41. I need my husband 100% dedicated to me right now. His kids don't seem to care at all if any of this killed me. Should he also be talking to them about respecting me with having my major surgery that takes me 6 weeks to recover and my early Breast cancer?

SugarSpice's picture

if you are ill then you need to make yourself the priority. you dont need the soul murdering stress of skids.

its good your dh is supporting you but the skid dont matter.

dont think at all about them.

put your self first dear.

CSMof3's picture

"SOUL MURDERING STRESS OF SKIDS"

hahahahahahahahaha THAT IS THE QUOTE OF THE DAY!!!!!!

CSMof3's picture

"SOUL MURDERING STRESS OF SKIDS"

hahahahahahahahaha THAT IS THE QUOTE OF THE DAY!!!!!!

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

Love this amazingly accurate depiction. Yes, live for YOU and right now you need all your energy towards you and your healing. Sending you love and warmth. 

SacrificialLamb's picture

You need to evaluate if you are getting anything positive out of this short marriage. A lot of us have been in this situation (your story is the same, just a different cast of characters....narcissist BM, passive daddeeee, princess SD's). This will not end when they age out. They will have been conditioned that they are rewarded when they bark.

However, it's unrealistic to expect your DH to be 100% dedicated to you right now. He is still a father to minor children, regardless of your health issues, regardless of their poor behavior. You need to find a way to balance his needs with yours, especially with the necessary focus on your health. If there is no resolution, you may be better off without him - stress does not help cancer as I am sure you know.

But as of right now, stop doing anything for these kids. It's not your job to make sure "they are loved". They have two parents, and your health should be your number one concern.

If your marriage has mostly positive points, you should seek counseling to address the issues you mention. Otherwise, I would bolt. If he is not willing to address these issues for the long term, if your health is not a priority for him, you have a lot of unhappiness ahead of you - these girls are only 7 and 9! My SDs were 27 and 25 when I met them and they still behaved like children due to the way they were raised. However, the rest of our marriage was good, and we have worked through these issues.

enuf's picture

My ss was 46 when I met him and he was a shit head then and when my dh decided to end our marriage because of him he was in his late 40"s and was still a shit head Make sure your health is the number one priority even if you have to move out to prioritize it. I really regret not moving out sooner. Stress can do so much damage to one's health. Please put yourself as number one now. They really do not care if you live or not.

Cover1W's picture

You need to disengage to determine whether your husband will change.
Sounds like you have the classic "responsibility without authority" issue.
He wants you to do everything a mother would do EXCEPT establish boundaries, discipline, make rules, etc. and undermines you when you do.

STOP.

I did and it's much better. You may not go cold turkey 100% disengagement but slowly back off of doing certain things. Establish what you can and cannot live with; this will help you determine what to disengage from if you don't want to go full on. I did it this way and things improved drastically after about a year. It took practice and I still have to vent here every now and then to remind myself to NOT go back in...read "Stepmonster" if you haven't already.

alohaanne's picture

Thank you for the comments and words of advice. Shortly after writing my initial post I had my husband read the article about why your wife is disengaging. It opened his eyes and he said it made perfect sense. He put the SD's in their proper places for about two visits. My surgery went well and fortunately my husband was there for me. He slowly has been reverting back. This last weekend my SD's did nothing but talk about their mother and their memories when their parents were married when my husband was present and not present. Kind of hard to believe when one was 2 and the other 3 years old. Sounds like an ex-wife sabotage of our weekend. He would not cut off the topic until it dragged on for a bit each time. His primary revert is failing to discipline. This is completely exhausting. He is like a walking zombie most the time they are around. I brought this again to his attention Sunday night and he does a paradigm shift. He fails to communicate, and cuts off every word I say like a two year old. After two days of him being rude and disrespectful to me I had to ask him if he wanted a divorce. Than he finally snapped out of it, again like a child. Now he is acting loving like everything is okay. This is his cycle that seems to happen at least once a month now since June. I also shall mention he just went back to work Monday after being on medical leave to take care of me. So I'm thinking now since he goes back to work he can be a jerk to me?
His ex gets to call the girls every night they spend the night and she badgers them and use them for investigators. I'm so tired of his ex wife in my every day life I don't even feel its my own life. I feel like I'm hitting a wall with my husband. Even his attorney said she thinks his narcissist ex will never stop. Again they have been divorced for 5 years and we have been married over 1 year. On our 1 year anniversary it was actually having to be in court with his crazy ex.
I have a breast cancer surgery now in FEB. I understand my post is like a big rant, but I sure need to vent. I love my husband, and I want us to stay married. I physically and mentally just don't know how I can continue to live in his past everyday of my life. I feel it holds more substance now than even our own relationship. I will take some of the advice I have read to try to move forward. Anymore advice is surely welcomed.

marblefawn's picture

She calls every night they're there? That's ridiculous. They aren't babies and he is their father. If she doesn't trust his abilities to care for them, she should go to court.
All these women who responded to your post are right - you focus on you. You've got real battles ahead that should help put these pesky skids into perspective for you: they don't matter. Take what you need from your husband and worry about the state of the marriage later.
Be completely oblivious to all but you. Don't teach them to sew. Don't do a damn thing for them. Let him be a parent for a change.
Just get well.

alohaanne's picture

Thank you. Unfortunately it’s court ordered for her to get one phone call a night that she fought for. She interferes in every way, because she has to have 100% control. She will never move on and is a psycho. She destroys her own daughters and uses them as her little pons to continuously badger us so she can keep trying for 100% custody. It’s all about the money to her.

swampedmom's picture

For your own emotional and physical well being take care of YOURSELF first. Your primary concern should be feeling better. Get yourself into a better place and do not allow their dysfunction to rule you. It is not your job to fix their problems. You exchanged vows with your husband to "have and to hold in sickness and in health". That is your obligations to each other. Implement a nuturing self care plan. Maybe consider seeing a counselor for yourself. Love on yourself because you are a good person and deserve unconditional love. Make yourself the #1 priority.

alohaanne's picture

Thank you. I have been seeing a therapist since summer. This situation had caused me to go into severe depression where I completely had lost myself. I got a horse in October which had given me happiness and zest for life back. That’s probably the only reason why I have been tolerating as well. I made an emergency appointment with my therapist today. I’m so hurt and angry at my husband even though he apologized. I’m so tired of him hurting me over his childish defensiveness. Him and I also go to therapy once a month together. Fortunately our appointment is tomorrow.
Thank you for the supportive comments. Thank God for this site!

swampedmom's picture

Good for you. I always found brushing horses calming. My BS(8) has autism and we did equine therapy. They are good for your soul. I hear you on the childish defensiveness, my DH is the exact same way and it is destructive. Especially when they should be defending you and don't. My DH has agreed to individual and couple therapy too but we'll see if it really helps. This website and writing in a journal for me helps tremendously. Take great care!

Merry's picture

I got real tired of my husband's apologies. To the point I told him that if he were really sorry he'd change his behavior. The fact that he continued to please everyone else except me told me he was in fact NOT sorry and he just wanted me to shut up. He might have been sorry I was upset, but he was not sorry about how he treated me. Empty promises, meaningless apologies just infuriated me.

My DH and I were in a terrible place two or three years ago. Both of us were in individual therapy, and that helped us tremendously. I feel like I finally have a partner.

Wishing good things for you too.

stepmom for 25 years's picture

Things will not get better , until you confront your husband.. I know this for a fact, as I have gone thru this for 30 years now.. !! With the Evil Ex Wife!!! NO matter what you do , these children will not accept you until your hubby puts his foot down to them & ALL & makes them accept you as part of his new life.. If this does not happen, you are doomed for the rest of your life with him & them & it will never get better, no matter what YOU try to do. It is up to Daddy to do all of this, NOT you!! If he cannot understand all of this & is NOT willing to get help in this matter then you are doomed.. My 30 years may also be doomed, as he still chastises only a few things, but Still makes every excuse in the book for their rude ways. Just giving you an honest reply from someone who has done this for 30 years!! Deciding tonight if it was all worth it!!! I am thinking NOT!!! as we still deal with it all today..