How to deal with feeling left out? :/
This is my first post on this forum - i'm not really sure where to start.
My fiancé's son is now 22 months old and i've been doing my best to feel like a family, feel included, spend time with his son and him individually, together, etc. but there has been this nagging feeling of being left out, not as important, jealous of the child while i'm still trying to create a relationship with my fiancé, etc.
Now, i've heard is a normal 'step parent' feeling. Well thats great and all that what i'm feeling is normal, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with and doesn't help me figure out how to deal with those feelings on a daily bases. I've found that's the biggest issue/feeling i've struggled with since I met his son and although it has its good days and bad days, its always there and it makes me feel irrational and 'icky' you could say. I am a very rational person but also a very emotional person. So I can tell myself all day long it's normal to feel these things, but sometimes they are overwhelming and I lash out at my fiancé (which is the last thing I want to do since he is trying his best on his end as well to make us a family and include everyone).
I was hoping someone had advice on how to deal with the jealousy and the left out feeling?
This that bring this on:
- When I hug my fiancé and his son pushes me and him apart like he doesn't want us to be together
- When I sit on my fiancé's lap and he is playing around us, he will jump on us and push me off and hug him instead.
- When my fiancé's attention is on me because we are talking and his son does EVERYTHING in his power to distract my fiancé to get him to pay attention to him instead of me and then I feel like I might as well just stop talking.
- When I finally get some alone time with his son and he enjoys playing with me but the minute his dad walks in I don't exist anymore.
- When his dad leaves the room and he is left with me sometimes he just starts balling like "i'm not good enough to play with alone".
- When I come home and try and enjoy some time with my fiancé and all he can do is talk about his son, what words he said that day, what diapers we need to get, what food should we give him for dinner, etc. instead of actually asking me how my day was or interested in me.
- When I try to feel included and make an effort to spend time with them and create memories but he is always crawling on dad and not me, or he is all cute with him and cries if I have to hold him, or we are at a family event and I feel invisible because its all about watching him and what he is putting in his mouth and what cute thing he is doing with Dad.
Now, don't get me wrong, there are great moments with him and his son as well. I would say over the last few months even its gone to about 40% good to 60% bad which is much better then it was before. The more time I spend with his son on his own and with us as a family, he gets used to me and is associating me as part of the family more and more. But there are still times like the ones I described above and they break my heart and push me away from the weird little hybrid family I want us to be.
If anyone has advice on how to mentally deal with these situations and feelings, how to send good vibes to myself and not be so hard on myself and even if you have had similar experiences and can relate to me, I would love to hear them and know i'm not alone.
Thank you!!
He's a baby. If course he
He's a baby. If course he wants his dad and not you.
Dad should be focused on his ONE YEAR old when he is there.
Those feelings are natural
Those feelings are natural but you have to remember your SS is only 22 months old. Of course when the son is awake all eyes are needed on him, including eyes on the back of your head. Of course he is going to want dad. In time he will be more comfortable with you. Does your future DH have his son full time? You need to realize that there is going to be many years where this baby/child will need to be focused on.
Do you get date nights? Or after the baby goes to sleep that's a good time for one on one and steer conversation about the two of you.
Its natural for parents to be excited and talk about every spit up, diaper change, and cute words especially the first baby. That you will have to live with.
I'm sorry you're having a
I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I understand you taking the baby's behavior personal, but I assure you it's not. Like the other ladies have said, it's age appropriate behavior. You may want to read the book "What to expect in the toddler years" to better understand the behavior.
It's difficult bonding with your partner in the shadow of his relationship with his son. The son has to come first when you're all together for the safety and wellbeing of the child. They are all consuming at that age. If you have children with this man you'll come to appreciate the attention he gives his children.
I would suggest you make the mot of the alone time you have with your partner to "fill up your cup" for those times you're with the baby.
Us parents tend to be gaga over our littles. He may need a reminder that you would like to talk about adult topics when alone.
Good luck.
a child is just that a child.
a child is just that a child. if this continues as he ages then it might be a problem.
the baby is not yours so dont feel too bad.
however if fiance is too head over heels for his son this can be a problem for future down the road.
Are you sure you want to join
Are you sure you want to join us in blended family hell? You have soooooo many more years of this ahead of you.
You have to settle for less on so many things as a childless woman marrying a man with a kid. Do you really want that? There is SO much b.s. that you will have to deal with that intact families don't.
I love my DD1 so much but this life is stressful and it's hard not being able to be in control.
I think all of what you are
I think all of what you are feeling is completely normal, I do also agree your SS behavior is very typical for his age. My ex and I were together when BS11 was that age. He chose me over dad and then dad over me the following month.
I'd like to say it gets easier with time but I don't think it really does. With kids there's always something. Extra curricular activities, school, holidays, appointments, co parenting... it never stops.
I will say from past experience set firm boundries as your role of step mom. It's hard to go back if you've allowed yourself to become the live in nanny.
Well first, you are doing the
Well first, you are doing the right thing by acknowledging your feelings and also by posting here. You will get a lot of helpful advice. This is not for the faint of heart and is very very hard. I think if you keep reading and posting you will see you are not alone and you navigate this one day at a time because there is a child involved who didn't ask for any of this.
WELCOME LTrace, This
WELCOME LTrace,
This can be Very rough, as others have said, most of this behavior for a toddler is normal, but just wait til there is mostly strangers around, then watch that child cling to you! Both of my kids (at the time 6mos-3yrs) were attached to Auntie, if she was there ,they only wanted her, imagine how that makes a birth mother feel. And when she would leave ,ohhh , screaming fits! Honestly don't worry about that part. It sounds like your future DH has full time custody? If the BM is completely out of the picture, you have a better chance of making it work, but if there's shared custody and regular contact with her , that will be a whole new ball of wax.
Don't give up on the little guy, if he cries when you pick him up and he starts the ever famous struggling and stretch toward DaDa, talk to him softly as you walk away from dad and show him something distract him (a toy,a pet,a tree, whatever) then ask him if he wants you to take him back to daddy, and tell him (GENTLEY)to stop crying and you'll take him back to daddy. Just an idea. Best of Luck!