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Attention seeking step child

Stepmumb92's picture

Submitted by Stepmumb92 on Sat, 08/19/2017 - 9:57am

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Parenting Issues

Hi

Just looking for some advice and a bit of a vent. Basically to give some context my step daughter lost her mum when she was 2, she is now 6 and up until recently had been doing very well. She shows limited signs of grief, is doing extremely well at school, lots of friends, she has tons of people who love and adore her and basically apart from the obvious has everything a child could want.

Fast forward to our summer holiday this year and she seems to now be using it as an attention seeking tool. She will introduce herself to strangers and then within minutes tell them her mum is dead. She kept saying how much she wished her mum was on holiday and how she wishes her dad didn't leave her mum (he didn't she left him whilst pregnant!!!) she also will bring up how she misses her mum if she has been told off and now can force tears.

I'm due our first baby in a few months and I'm finding her increasingly difficult to deal with and very manipulative. Her grandparents also make the situation so difficult as they do everything for her so she will come home and just expect us to wait on her when that's not how our house works plus at 6 she should be able to dress and wash herself?!! My partner is very relaxed and says I need to let more go but funnily enough with a baby on the way we can't afford that luxury and I think we are doing her a disservice not encouraging her to do more for herself.

Any thoughts appreciated!

twoviewpoints's picture

Submitted by twoviewpoints on Sat, 08/19/2017 - 10:52am

Your pregnancy is making it very real to this child that her mother is gone. That and she's old enough to understand when she sees a mom with a child (like over all on holiday) that she doesn't have one. School will also make clear to her that most of her classmates have a mother and she doesn't.

Perhaps it's time to take her to someone she can talk to about her loss. She was very young when her mom died. It's not necessarily a deliberate 'poor me' attention getting scam she's pulling...she has become old enough to be aware of her loss and what it will mean to her throughout her life.

Sc1234's picture

Submitted by Sc1234 on Sat, 08/19/2017 - 12:35pm

Yes I agree, u are use to her not showing the reaction to her loss . However now it could be tht she has come to the realization tht she truly doesn't have her mom. And feels the need to want that pity. Your pregnant so you'll have more responsibility so I understand tht she needs to help her self out in terms of getting things done. And yes you guys should let her. If u can tho try to the best make her feel like ur the closest thing to a mom . And show her tht u care. Giving the benefit of the doubt tht she may really be hurting may make it easier for u.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Submitted by Dontfeedthetrolls on Sat, 08/19/2017 - 4:28pm

Why does she know her mother left her dad? She's 6 now and was 2 when she lost her mom. I don't understand. Does she somehow remember? That's not information a child needs ever in her circumstance. Mom's dead from what I understand there is no reason to tell the bad stuff of mom and dad's marriage.

I agree that you having a baby is making it harder on her. She's going to get worse and will need ALOT of reassurance that she is still important.

Also yes a 6 year old should be able to dress and bath herself with minor supervision type help. My partners son is 4. By at 3 we really started making a conscious effort in having him dress himself completely and over the summer my SO got him to start taking baths unassisted. Yes we have to check to make sure he did wash up since he will just play then hop out but he is capable.

By 6 children can do quite a bit on their own and it's for their devolpment since it builds confidence. Sure it's easier to keep doing it for them but it doesn't help them.

B22S22's picture

Submitted by B22S22 on Sun, 08/20/2017 - 8:37am

My kids were 5 and 3 when my first DH passed. There are some really good grief programs specifically for children out there (not sure if you live in the US or abroad, I'm in the US).

I will say that it was probably around that age when my DS really started doing that -- because he was in school and saw dad/child interactions, and we all know a lot of early learning/programming is built around family (everyone draw a picture of their mommy, of their daddy, of their pet, siblings, etc).

DS would then try that kind of behavior at home with me. I would hug him, tell him I missed his dad too, then move on. I would always make sure that those times we "talked" about his dad were not at the same time I was expecting him to do something like pick up toys, make his bed, get ready for bath time, because that would signal to him that he could use that to get out of doing things he didn't want to do.

I also made sure that those around him didn't treat him any differently -- teachers, babysitter, etc. For a while, his teachers would allow him to call the shots on what he would/wouldn't do in the classroom all in the name of "being sad".