I understand that going to a family reunion and seeing the ex is annoying. What I don't understand is how bad it bothers you. My DH's ex is still included in events sometimes, because she remained friends with DH's sister. It really has no bearing on me whatsoever, and I have had pleasant conversations with BM. I don't want to be her friend, and I expect the feeling to be mutual, but I am not at all threatened by her presence.

DH and I discussed once before how his family was still friendly with his ex. I asked him if it bothered him. He said he didn't understand it, but the reality is that it isn't important to him or I.

My ex is from Central America. In all the times that I had been there, there would be large family parties there to welcome us back. And several divorced spouses came to those parties. It was very civilized and respectful, and it made a huge impression on me.

If I were in your spot, I would let BM be the one to stick out like a sore thumb. By you complaining to other family members when they had no problem with BM attending all those years, you are putting the negative spotlight on yourself. And that's going to get back to the skids, who are going to wonder why you have such a problem with it.

I really would just let it go. Of all the things that could be wrong, this is something where you need to pick your battles.

I don't know what you should do but I feel for you.

I am lucky to enjoy a great relationship with my in-laws and they would never do this. If I had a different set of in-laws, I could not stand this. I am just not going to play "My Two Wives" for anybody.

I would not get into any confrontation with the in-laws themselves. I would tell my husband I couldn't tolerate it. If he chose to go without me, knowing bm would be there, I think it would be a big damage to our marriage. So he would be in a very hard spot, too.

My guess is the only winner in this mess will be bm. Your in-laws will not stand by their cousin because they think some precedent has been set in a previous generation that makes this just spiffy. So they are pre-set to think of you as a bad apple since you don't like it.

So cousins will lose cousins, you will lose in-laws, but BM will queen it all around. Bad situation.

Ex has been an ex- for 22 years! Oh, yeah. I want to go and annoy 99 people just so I can see the SIL I miss s-o-o-o much after 22 years. :sick: . The woman is a be.atch. She wants to make sure everyone is still licking her hinny over her 1st wife status, and apparently some still are.

But, but, what can you do about it? That is the question. Your options are go and play "My Two Wives," double :sick: :sick:. An option. It's up to you. You can go and suck it up and take it for the 1,000,0001 time. Or, you can avoid the event and let DH go himself, if he wants to.

As a SM, you have to do what works for you, because every time you make a move, someone will be telling you to dance this way, and then when you do, someone will be telling you to dance the other way instead. Go, don't go. But, at the end of the day, you can only control your own actions.

I don't get it. You are fine with having birthday party with BM (in her home?) and hang together socializing during all adult child and grandchild events, but it's the end of the world if DH's elderly aunts/uncles and their adult children (the cousins) hold a carry-in dinner reunion and they invite BM. An once a year large gathering where there is much less chance you'll have to sit at the same table with BM and make small talk.

You made your husband call his ex and inform her not to attend an event he, himself nor his deceased parents are hosting and is an invited guest at someone else's hosted event. Now you're telling the host and her family not let allow BM to come, and when that isn't working you plan to confront BM herself there and tell her to leave.

You ae coming across as a real piece of work. If you want to control an invitation list, you need to offer to host this reunion next year in your town and do all the prep work. When you are a guest at someone else's event you don't get to be in charge. No. You and husband attend or you don't.

If it were really about getting to know your 'new family', you wouldn't wait and met up with them once a year. You'd invite them over for dinner or a BBQ now and hen in small groups and personally get to know them . You'd pick up the phone and occasionally chat visit with them. You take a trip to their area now and then and you reach out to them to form relationships with them. What you don't do is barge into their long traditional event and start telling them what to do or who to invite and/or exclude.

Birthday cake on a much more personal level, but not a picnic plate at a large gathering, You've got some weird boundaries and choices of battles...but if you do decide to attend this reunion, I sincerely hope you behave yourself. That, or do the host/hostess a favor and stay home, Don't go with the intention of spoiling their long time ways and traditions.

I absolutely would not help pay for a party in which I had no say. Your husband has expressed his wishes to his family and they just disregard? Some family.

My DH will not be anywhere that BM is, so we would not go. He would not say anything to his family, he shouldn't have to, he just wouldn't go. She's an ex for a reason, he does not want to hang out with her, and although she does not bother me, I shouldn't have to hang out with her.

I feel you. Been there. But, there's only one of two things you can do. Go and and be miserable or don't go and feel guilty. I would opt for the guilt. Bottom line is that no one really cares but you and her. She knows it makes you uncomfortable and she is wallowing in it. To all of those who don't get it, you got to be there. It's hard to establish yourself in a parking spot where another care is parked.

I think a key word or two is missing here. What this should read is: "BM's presence should not be a challenge to your status as wife." Whether or not BM's presence is a challenge to a SM's status as a wife varies from family to family and situation to situation and is an individualized issue.

People are always trying to tell SMs how they are supposed to be feeling rather than looking at what they are feeling and why are they feeling that way. When a blank statement is made like, "BM's presence is not a challenge," or similar, how do you know? You have no way of knowing that. I'm not saying that is necessarily true in this situation, but we've all known many a BM from here who thinks nothing of PAS'ing her children against bio-dad and SM, of course, and is constantly chirping at the kids, "You don't have to listen to SM. She's nothing to you." You better believe that type of BM IS a challenge to a SM's status as a wife, because BM is making it very clear that she is still large and in charge of bio-dad, kids, and SM herself.

You are correct, tho., that "Some families make it work." Most of us also know families as you describe above, where BM, SM and DH and kids all hang out together with little to no problems. Usually, in those cases all involved are motivated to make it work. BM pushes her kids to accept SM, DH pushes kids to accept SM, and SM steps back and does not feel her role as dad's wife is challenged. BUT, that is more or less the order of acceptance that has to come first. Many a SM starts off thinking that her and DH are husband and wife and everyone is okay with this. It is usually only after she gets her a$$ kicked a couple of times that the fear and doubts start to creep in. It may be real or it may be largely imagined, but either way, there is a basis for her to feel BM's presence is a challenge to her status.

And, Happy Blended Family has to start with BM giving the kids permission to like SM. Unless you have a strong DH, and many of us here do not, without BM's permission, there is no way the family is going to make it work, and unfortunately that is just the way some BMs want it.

You left your husbands name in the post...

and if BM is going, then why don't you and DH simply do not go.... you can't tell people what to do in their homes, and you can't dictate a guest list... but you can decline going...

I like to add to0 that one of the harsh realities of being a SM is when you realize that even tho. you and DH are married, some will still see BM as a family member, and not you, especially if BM and DH have been married for years and your and DH's marriage to you is relatively new. Heck, I've read more than once here where BM, even tho. she left DH and may have left him for another man even, is more accepted by DH's family than DH himself or his new wife.

I see where you are coming from being a new SM and probably not married before--you are just assuming you are family now by marriage. Happens all the time with relatives, they marry so-and-so and they are instantly welcomed into the family. SS comes home from overseas with a wife, and everyone is instantly fawning all over her welcoming her into the family fold. BUT, with SM, for some reason it is a different story.

People in DH's family saw DH and his ex- have kids, saw them over many years at different events, watched the kids grow up, and so on. Divorce is hard on a lot of people and just not mom, dad and the kids. No matter the reason for the divorce, given all of the history with BM and dad and the kids, it is much easier to just pretend the divorce never happened and SM is just some off-figure in the distance somewhere, even tho. one could argue that BM gave up the right to be considered part of the family after the divorce. Also, grandparents, in particular, might be afraid that they won't see their GKs any more if they alienate BM.

There are a lot of things that are hypocritical and unfair and double-standard for SMs, but like ChiefGrownup says, there is not much you can do other than control yourself and your own actions. Given that history and with BM holding the mother card, she can come out smelling like a sweet rose every time. Fair or not, most will play the "they are the parents" card, even tho. the event may clearly be meant for couples and one should assume that a married couple = couple. I always say, BM gets a infinite number of passes, DH at least a few, and SM gets none.

So, if it is important for you and your DH to be a couple and considered as a couple in the eyes of ALL of the family, then your options are, unfortunately, limited. But, that doesn't mean you have to suck up and take anything you don't want. There are options. But, like a different poster said above, too many people are used to seeing BM's car in the family driveway rather than yours. Getting that out of their minds is not as easy as you'd think, and there is no way you can force an image out of someone's mind.

In the end, a SM has to do what works for her, because through no fault of her own, she got herself slap dab in the middle of someone else's divorce or family issue. It is almost literally liked you jump into the middle of a cage fight when you became involved with or married DH, whether a SM realizes it or not. You are going to be jumped on, kicked, shocked and surprised. Tricks are going to be pulled. Very few SMs expect this. Most of the people toward the outside of the cage fare better. But, if you want to jump right in, that is totally up to you.

I know I have no intention of living my life with my DH on the outside looking in, and it took me years, but at least for myself now I have a better understanding when to try to stay out of the fray and when not to. If it is that important to you, jump right in and go for it big time with your head held high and your nails sharpened.

My first ex-husband's family still tells me all the time that just because he and I aren't married anymore, doesn't mean we're not family (especially because I am still their granddaughter's mom). I think it's very sweet and it's gteat for my daughter that we are all still friendly. HOWEVER, I would not feel comfortable hanging out at their family reunion, especially with his new wife there. I really don't like staying and talking if his new wife is there, considering she is hostile to me (she is hostile to everyone, which I think is the reason they're always so happy to see me, lol). If the BM had any sense, she would know how to bow out gracefully, but she obviously doesn't. Shake it off. You can still get to know his family. Just go and be your charming self and outshine her! Then go home and make your husband happy, I am sure that's all they care about in the end.

Do not abdicate your place at the reunion and do not allow the X to force you not to go. Go, you and DH be happy, you be radiant, and crush the X when she shows up by asking her to leave or depart any conversation that you and your DH are having with family members.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Make it clear that she is not welcome. Over, and over, and over again.

Enjoy~ }:)

If the family did not want BM to attend, they would have said something TWO DECADES ago.

It's possible for them to be excited to see AND still enjoy having BM there.

They should not have to change the way they hgave celebrated to 20+years just to accommodate you.

You sound jealous.

If you have good marriage I don't see why do you care about ex attending a reunion? She is obviously invited. They probably ran to you to make you comfortable because they know you feel awkward (family onbviousky discussed that you are upset over ex attending). They maybe discussed that they need to make an extra effort to make you welcome so you aren't upset.

They likely didn't need to run and welcome BM because they know her well for many years and know she is content and comfortable. You on the contrary aren't comfortable.

Some other comments are weird. Why is it bad for her to bring grandkids to a reunion? How do you know she didn't date for 25 years? Who knows what she does in her private time. When I remarried my ex knew but when I was single he had no ways of knowing who and when I am dating. That's private. Does your DH told you she doesn't date? How does he know? Is he saying it to you so you don't feel insecure about her?