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Trying to figure out exactly what my "responsibility" as a "stepdad" should be.

waitwut's picture

I moved in with my gf of a year and her 4 year old daughter a few months ago. I felt pressured into it a little and didnt think about the long-term ramifications. I thought I get to move in with someone I love a lot and have feelings for. Now fast forward a few months and I am struggling with my "role and responsibilities". I work full time overnight and pay 75% of the expenses, she works part time in the days. I get home, make breakfast and then sleep and try to wake up around 7-8 before going to work again. In terms of helping with her daughter, I feel like she needs to take primary responsibility and I am there to help if the need arises, after all, before me, she did everything. I feel like my gf has depression and sometimes shell stay awake all night talking to me through text, so when I get home I feel compelled to take her daughter to school to let her sleep. She has created a sleep-wake cycle where she sleeps in the day and awake all night, sometimes leaving her daughter alone for hours watching TV because Im asleep too since I worked the night before. This means I end up making dinner, putting her to bed and giving a bath despite having worked all night and slept through the day, and my gf being off. I know if I bring this up she will probably say "you can do this too" and make an excuse for her behavior. Im starting to become frustrated with this. As a new stepbf for her daughter I feel like Im entitled to having things take place slowly, but Ive been thrust into it. Not sure if Im being selfish or not. On the flip-side, the 4 year old does stay with her grandparents on the weekends I am off, and they help a ton. I just dont know what are fair expectations of me.

Rags's picture

You know this doesn't pass the smell test which is what you are having difficulty with. Your GF needs to be the one caring for her child. Particularly with your work schedule.

Loxy's picture

Being taken advantage of as a step-parent is nothing new – many bio parents have completely unreasonable expectations about the role their partners should play.

As someone who dived in head first into step-parent from the very beginning (by choice and not pressure from DH), I know now it was the wrong thing to do.

Easing in slowly and setting boundaries early is the way to go as it’s much easier to maintain clear boundaries from the beginning than try to wind back things you have been doing for years. That being said, if your GF does have depression then that definitely complicates matters.

I understand you would want to be supportive if she’s got depression but I would also caution in taking on such a burden so early on in your relationship. Especially if she’s not willing to get help.

Only thing you can do is sit her down and talk to her about your concerns and go from there. Good luck!

hereiam's picture

You need to move back out. Being pressured into a live-in situation is not a great start. Having your girlfriends responsibilities thrust upon you, is not fair of her, and no, you are not selfish.

The longer you take care of her daughter (and her) the harder it will be to stop the cycle. She is taking advantage of you.

still learning's picture

"Boys, you heard your mother!"

^This is about as much parenting as DH does for my kids (his steps). Maybe 1x a mo he will drop ds15 off at his class if I have a conflict or he'll help them fix a bike tire but there is no daily grind for him. DH works, does his hobbies, has his own friends, he and I do stuff together. He's been to 1 of my older sons sporting events and his graduation ceremony in the almost 5 years we've been together.

I work and pay for all of their expenses and fees plus buy all the food since they eat 95% of it.

DH and my boys get along great and I think a major reason why is because he is not trying to parent them or be a father figure. He's my husband and a support person, when needed, in their lives. Every situation is different and this is what works for us.

Your gf is handing over HER responsibilites to you. She has a daughter and needs to grow up and parent. Staying up all night to text is very teenage behavior and you are having to pick up her slack. Just stop doing it. She needs to give her kid a bath. She needs to drive her to school, she needs to cook for her... Stop enabling, rescuing, and doing everything for her. Your relationship sounds like a one way street. Someone suggested moving out, excellent advice since your gf is obviously not mature enough to parent or handle a grown up relationship.

Java_Junkie's picture

"Boys, you heard your mother!"
I think ^^this^^ (the way still learning has it) is what my fiancée wants. She wants me to just support HER, while she continues to raise her kids like a single mom.

Yayyyy me, right?

Thing is, I have always recognized marriage as being traditional, with the husband and wife as the umbrella under which everything happens - but she has always said her kids come first, and always will... she won't even take my last name because she wants to keep that link to her kids (and her ex? she says no, but 'if he's such a goon, why keep that,' I ask, rhetorically?). I've told her I feel like I'm always kept at a distance, like her kids and her are on the motorcycle while I'm stuck in the sidecar, along for the ride she lets her kids decide - or it's their TV show, and I'm a "Special Guest" - that there's no desire on her part to view me as an inextricable and inseparable part of HER life. She denies it, but I don't see how she could. I'm still *_JUST_ the guy in her life* and she's never going to really embrace what we all COULD have. Kinda sad...

So, I see how some of this "be my kids' FRIEND" stuff can have some pitfalls.

DreamingBig's picture

Hi,
I love your solution to this and it's what I would like. To be my partner's support person. Sounds like you two have it sorted.
Here's my experience and question:
The line between being the male head of household (in my case female) and parenting. Allow me to explain...so obviously even though as a step parent we don't do the actual parenting, we do have rights in the home. Like to get a kid to pick up after themselves, or speak respectfully or ask before bringing people over and so forth...
All that is fine when the kids go along with it. What happens if your DH asks a kid to do something and they don't? At that point it becomes a parenting issue? And what if you disagree with DH about having your BC do whatever it is he's asking him/her to do?
Are you two sooo lucky none of this ever comes up? Or have you cracked the problems? Thanks.

DreamingBig's picture

Hi,
I love your solution to this and it's what I would like. To be my partner's support person. Sounds like you two have it sorted.
Here's my experience and question:
The line between being the male head of household (in my case female) and parenting. Allow me to explain...so obviously even though as a step parent we don't do the actual parenting, we do have rights in the home. Like to get a kid to pick up after themselves, or speak respectfully or ask before bringing people over and so forth...
All that is fine when the kids go along with it. What happens if your DH asks a kid to do something and they don't? At that point it becomes a parenting issue? And what if you disagree with DH about having your BC do whatever it is he's asking him/her to do?
Are you two sooo lucky none of this ever comes up? Or have you cracked the problems? Thanks.

sunshinex's picture

This is a recipe for resentment. And I say this because I was in your exact shoes 3 years ago. My husband, then boyfriend, was dealing with a lot of depression and it resulted in me taking over the brunt work of parenting his toddler. Once I was busy enough with her that my life was literally work and parent a child who's not mine, that was it, I started getting pretty depressed, too. It's not a good situation and you need to get out of it, for the health of your relationship and your relationship with her child. You WILL resent this child. After enough nights of having to say "no I can't go out I have to take care of XYZ" or "no I don't have hobbies I spent all my time working and caring for XYZ" you will hate the situation you're in lol.

SM12's picture

When my DH and I moved in together, I did everything for my BS. I would do all drop off's, pick up's dinner, laundry...everything. DH would offer to help at times which was nice, but I never expected him to do anything. DH ended up taking BS to school most days because he was taking the SS's as well and they were going to the same place. I even told DH he didn't have to do that and that I would take BS myself.

However, on the flip side, I am expected to do everything for my SS's as if I were their bio. I was being treated as the nanny, chef, maid....
I finally stopped doing it. I started making DH step up and handle his own kids. It took a bit but he finally realized if he didn't do it, it wasn't getting done. I don't mind helping on occasion but I am not the primary caregiver for his kids.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Stop responding to her overnight texts. Tell her you are at work and can't answer. Also tell her you need her to get on a normal sleep schedule so a)she can feel better b) the child can be properly looked after.

If you see no improvement tell her you're out. I would not want to have a 4 year old unsupervised in my home for several hours a day. That is courting disaster. And when it happens, there will be authorities and investigations and utter nightmare.

Tell her you won't be part of it. You're moving on.

waitwut's picture

This is all helpful. I guess I need to realize that if I werent there, she would be doing everything anyway. I do help, I know I do. I help with the financial aspects as well as the vacation saving. I need to really just put my foot down even more and tell her what needs to be done.

Wifeypoo's picture

I hate to have to say this but please rethink being involved with bathing the little girl. It's kind of you to want to see her taken care of, but you could be putting yourself at risk for future accusations of inappropriate behavior. I'm NOT implying there is anything bad in your intentions, but these things have a way of raising eyebrows and causing trouble in the most unexpected ways. If she was your bio daughter it would be different.

You need to protect yourself.

skatermom's picture

I was thinking this too. How lazy is this mom that she is having her boyfriend bathe her 4 year old daughter?