Your DH has the the answer, "we can't let them use those kids to control us!" It's a hostage situation which should not be tolerated. I DO see though that if this reluctance to help them was a sudden change, it might have caused problems. Did you explain to them why you decided to cut back? If not, they need to know. Then if they withhold contact with the gskids let them cool off on their own.

Could be they are just entitled brats, or perhaps they were waiting for an opportunity to be their own nuclear family. You don't sound like a bothersome person, just a caring one. My MIL was so very nice and lived a block away from us for 25 years. Her overly nice "helpfulness" sometimes felt smothering and I used to wish we had time for our own family away from her constant presence.

These adult skids don't sound very cool, if they were, they's accept that they were over-asking and just reset their own behaviour. Sadly, spme people don't see their own faults. At the end of the day, they are her kids to do as she decides with. You can't force contact, but at least what you did conteibute was kind and probably had a good influence on the girls.

The only complication I can see is that they "built on our farm". Are there financial strings that may be at play? Do they perhaps feel that you are benefitting financially from the work they do (mow our field?) and so they expect you to pitch in?

Facts are neither good nor bad, they are merely facts. Share the facts with the GSkids in an age appropriate manner and when they are older they will likely engage in a relationship with you. If the SD and her toxic DH are that manipulative their kids will figure it out eventually.

Your DH is right.... his toxic spawn is using the GSkids to manipulate and control. The resolution is total and complete confrontation of that crap as publically and embarrassingly as you and DH can manage to bare the SD's and her idiot spermdonor's asses.

IMHO of course.

"we can't let them use those kids to control us!" Youre fortunate that you husband sees what they are doing and he's right, they're trying using the kids as bait to get you to do their bidding. It would be wise for the two of you to focus on your marriage and doing things that you never could w/young children underfoot. Have fun and be free, they'll come around eventually and when they do there will be a new healthier dynamic in place.

As sad as it is, it's best that you stand strong and not let them emotionally blackmail you, which is what they are doing by withholding the kids simply because you are not doing their bidding.

Be glad that your husband sees what they are doing and that he's not going behind your back, doing for them without telling you. There's a lot of men out there who would give in to them but throw their wives under the bus.

My DH is like yours, he will not let his kids just use him, grand kids or no grand kids.

pfft don't worry, formative years are first 7 years of a child's life... you where part of it, they will always remember you and sort of get confused when their mother bad mouths you, cause that is not how they remember it,
yes with time they might not say anything, but belief me they will remember how good Gran was to them...

You are no blood relations to them, but know what it does not really matter and what your husband is doing is unheard off, he sees his daughter for what she is... that does not happen allot on this site, normally the SM is the bad one..
support your husband and simply know he's right..... this will blow over again as soon as the entitle SD realize she can not emotional black mail her father and SM.