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I left my DH, twin SDs & SS today. I just can't take it anymore!

kittyskid's picture

Hi Folks! I'm so happy to find this site. Today, after 9 years, I left my DH, twin 12 yr old SDs & 11 yr old SS. We've had 100% custody for 2 1/2yrs. We went to pick them up for summer break in June 2013 & on the drive back it was revealed that their older 1/2 brother had been sexually assaulting twins for a year (they were 9), along w sharing the girls w his friends.
They were all immediately placed in intensive counseling, which continues now.
my DH is 45, & I am 55. I have 3 adult children & 8 grandchildren. My grands are the same ages as stepkids.
I left so that I can take a few days to decide whether I want to continue this miserable life w this family.
I've been miserable for so long!I love my DH so much, however, these girls are incredibly difficult. I understand that they were traumatized & have serious issues. They are still getting help. One of the twins (Betty)treats me horribly: lies, rolls eyes, extremely disrespectful, failing every class, refuses to do her chores correctly, manipulates her Father daily. She is cruel to my grandkids every time they come to visit me (which became rarely). Both girls continue to open new online accounts to chat w boys & even grown men...never girls. They flirt w these men, post pics licking their lips, YouTube twerking videos - you name it! The other twin (Amy) is dangerously sneaky. We are so afraid for their safety, but they don't seem to care.
I left because these kids are destroying my house, my husband refuses to step up to help me (won't check their chores every night at 8, won't help w schoolwork, won't make sure his niece (23, lives w us to "help" w kids) actually does anything to help. He blocks me from disciplining the kids - has separate meetings w them to get their story, is inconsistent at best at being a disciplinarian, & has started sighing & rolling his eyes at me when I bring this to his attention.
I have been disabled for 15yrs. The stress of living w them has taken a huge toll on my health. I'm a diabetic, have a degenerative spine, MS, & am in pain every day. I've been losing weight, my hair & almost my sanity.
I feel a sense of freedom, breathing fresh air & happiness here at my child's home w my grands. I also feel so very guilty for putting my well being first & bailing on my DH who I upset w them & unhappy as well.
Sorry this is such a long vent. I desperately need advice. I don't know if I want to stop this relationship or continue the fight. The thought of living w these kids another 10 years is literally sickening to me. I see no hope for a better tomorrow. It just seems to get worse...

kittyskid's picture

I forgot to mention that DH hasn't worked in almost 2 years. He's applied for disability due to his health issues. We are living off my Social Security & inheritance from my parents . I'm supporting myself, DH & his 3 kids, DHs adult niece, his adult nephew & fiancé, my adult son who's in college! All in my house, paid in full before we married w my inheritance
I feel like an idiot who'se been used for 9 years. I take responsibility for enabling these folks, & I am in therapy. Not sure now if he ever loved me, or have I just been the cash cow all these years? I'm so sad.

Rags's picture

If you go back, and I would not were I you, I would free your GKs to whoop some Skid ass any time the Skids pick on your GKs. A wholesale fully open can of whoop ass leaving the Skids battered, bruised, and with absolute clarity that their bullshit is at an end when it comes to how they treat your GKs.

Take care of you.

Good luck.

MineAndYours's picture

You did absolutely the right thing! YOU are the most important person to YOU! Take care of yourself!

kittyskid's picture

I appreciate your responses & concern. I've been gone only 48 hours & feel like a fish out of water, kind of odd. Feel like I'm breathing fresh vs polluted air. I'm meeting w my therapist twice a day. I read her all of your responses. She was pleased. I am just having a horrible time believing that I have been just used for 9 years...Did he just see me as an opportunity? Am I that despirate/blind? Is there no way that, maybe living separately, we can make it work somehow? I can see myself in my own condo,w my quilting room (lost it when folks moved in), doing a lot more writing, volunteering, etc. The grands can come visit & could have their own room. He can stay at the house & handle the expenses (somehow) & his kids. He can come & visit every day or when he's able to. My cousin (in her 60s) did this w her dh. They lived apart (no kids involved) & had a much better relationship.
Right now he's focusing on his feelings - the same way I am. The problem is that, while I am working hard to get myself together, I'm not sure whether he is or if he will. He accused me of not being at my daughter's house! HAHA Where else would I be??? I have 3 assignments from my therapist: Make a list of things that I need in relationship w husband; 2) Make a list of what I want my life to look like - nothing's off the table; 3) Buy myself a new laptop (there are 3 at the house, used by dh & twins. I shared mine w twin). The twins use laptops all day long for their schoolwork.
Soooooo, I have work to do. Thank you for your advice.

Indigo's picture

I like your rather simple idea of a home for loving family, a quilting room, a laptop to write on and a new life in front of you.

onthefence2's picture

Hi KK,
I hope things are still going well. I was married to a psychopath for 8 years and just wanted to say that the preyed upon people (if that's what your h did to you) are some of the best people. That's why they pick us. We are usually good, caring, and giving... your mistake was thinking that everyone is like you. There is no shame, and you will get yourself together it looks like.

I also wanted to suggest to get a Lyme test done if you haven't yet.

Best of luck with everything!