Hello Everyone.
I am new to this forum but not new to the painful experience of stepmotherhood, or being a second wife more like it.
First of all apologies for any English mistakes I will make - I am not a native English speaker so forgive me pls.

Where I come from divorce was not a common thing and I literally cannot find one friend my age whose parents divorced. It is quite a conservative place so it was not very common in the past. Things change a bit now and there is more and more broken families and stepmotherhood issues, however I guess my question needs to be answered bz someone a little older.

I am my DH's 2nd wife and we have been married for 8 years, together for almost 16. He is 15 years older than me and has two children from previous marriage (son 19 and daughter 17) and we have a daughter (8) together. I was not the reason why their marriage did not work out, but timing was relatively close and I of course get the blame for it.

To cut the story short we went through all the typical troubles of such a relationship: hurt and hateful ex, disney dad, immature stepmother and spoilt children. My husband is very guilt driven and I cannot count the times when he broke up with me or almost divorced me over the most stupid things. He kept me in a waitting room for almost 10 years ("he did not want to hurt their feelings") until I eventually left a few years ago as my clock was ticking and I wanted a baby of my own and to get some status in this whole coockooland. We eventually got back together, married and have a baby now, but his past attitude and the fact that both the children, the ex and him were always treating me as disposable, caused a lot of resentment on my side. I guess I was also not mature enough to take it better. I do not have to explain to anybody here that a stepmother is unable to find any comfort anywhere, as even the closest friends do not have a clue what it feels like to be a stepmother. I regret every minute of it, but here I am.

In the past we got more trouble always from the son, he seemed to want daddy all for himself and I was always sort of protecting the SD from this and trying to include her so that she does not feel left out - like I always felt. She was always ok towards me and I always liked her. I am quite an introvert and the mistakes my DH was making to the balance did not help to establish a very close relationship, but I thought it was ok and respectul. Suddenly surprisingly tables have turned and my SD started hating me for some reason, while the SS can manage to hold a 10 min conversation with me without the disgusted look on his face. My DH's daughter started ingoring me when I walk into the room or talk to her, she always undermines whatever I say (for example my husband or my daughter ask my opinion on what to wear and I say sth and then she jumps in and attacks them quite aggressively that no, that is a stupid choice, and they should choose sth else or other childish things like that). She calls my husband at least 4-5 times a day and texts him almost 20 times a day, and it is completely about nothing. I mean - everything was said in the first 5 conversations that day, wasn't it?

I do not mind that - she can have her daddy all to herself as far as I am concerned, I have a very busy life amd am quite independent and I do not need to hang on my husband's arm all day long, but she started doing it to my daughter too. When I call my daughter to get dressed or brush her teeth, there is always sth more interesting the SD has to do with her. She find satisfaction in me talking to a wall like some morron whom everybody ignores. She leaves the house and only says goodbye to my daughter, specifically not mentioning me. She started phoning her now every day too, and keeps telling her how much she loves her and demands that my daughter tells her that too. Of course I am never even mentioned or spoken to. She contacts our nanny behind my back and finds out where they are with my daughter and goes picks her up from school. There was a short period of time when our baby daughter glued us all and we used to do things together, but it is now back to me alone and them together, except that now "them" includes my daughter too, as my SD and my DH want to take her with them and I am often not invited.

I thought that it will get better with them studying in another city now and that they will be a little more busy with their friends and it is like that with the SS, so it got easier for me, but it got a lot worse with the SD. My SS has got some friends, a girlfriend and a busy social agenda, which I think is perfectly normal for a teenager. My SD's only friend seems to be her dad. She spends the whole day either with him, or phoning him. She does not have any friends to hang out with. I also do not understand what is going on with her bio mom. You would think that coming to town after two months of studying in another city a daughter would like to see her mom, especially if the come back day falls on "mom's" weekend. But the SD would change it, call daddy to pick her up and leave the poor mom alone on Mother's day. I just don't get it. It would break my heart if I was Ex. I am not sure if this is the Ex non-delivering properly on her motherhood or whether the SD has got some serious daddy issues.

I am dreading the next 20 years as I can see this conflict continued and I am wondering WTF does this mean to my bio daughter? Now she is just a child and she does not understand all these conflicted parties, she happily joins in whatever, but already whenever she can sense something funny going on or we have a fight with DH she gets very upset.

So, my questions are: how do your adult bio children feel in the situation when for example the stepchildren seem to hate you, ingore you during family or public events, not invite you to their houses etc? Do your bio children take sides, and if so which one? Do they feel loyal to both sides and does it create hell for them in the future? Does it upset the bio child that her mom is hated so much by her halfsiblings? Or that her mom resents her halfsiblings? How should I act and how will my daughter cope with this? If I do not get invited to their little events now (and she does) how will she feel or what will she do, if her mom does not get invited to the SD's wedding for example? Will she be going to two Christmases in the future too? Do your bio children (those you have with the DH) see the disrespect you get from the stepkids and how do they react to this treatment of their mother?

I honestly am in a very low state now as I just realised over the last few months that it is never going to end. In fact, it is going to get worse and there is yet another person whose head is getting f..ed up in this: my daughter. What should I be doing to minimise the negative effects of this situation for her?