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Explaining to your bio child why their half-sibling has a diff mom or dad

Mrs Katch 22's picture

Have you ever had to explain to your bio child why their half-sibling has a diff mom or dad? Normally I'd say when a couple is in love and really care for each other, they make a baby...which is not always the case, but I'd like to teach my/our child that. I feel strongly against children born out of wedlock...it's like, if you weren't ready to have a kid, why have one? I know a lot of people may not agree, but it's just my opinion. If it's a couple that was married with children, it's a diff story, but if it's a BM that had a keep to keep the baby daddy or salvage a relationship; I don't know how irresponsible some people can be.

So, how would/do you explain to your child why their half-sibling has a diff mom or dad? I'd love to say that daddy was stupid and knocked that skank up and don't let that happen to you...but that doesn't sound too good coming from an adult to a child Smile

Comments

bellacita's picture

sounds like our BMs did the same thing...had the kid behind baby daddys back to salvage the relationship...
maybe put a positive spin on it? like "b4 daddy met me he was w another woman and made a mistake but the good thing is that we have your brother/sister!" then when he gets older u can tell the harsh truth? or maybe not everyone has babies for the same reasons, we had you bc we love each other and wanted a baby to come from that love and share our love w, and this is ideal but not always how things work out. but we dont love brother/sister any less.
wow i have no clue...i have exactly the same feelings as u. i think ur standard answer is a perfect one, and important to teach your own kids. i cant wait to see what the moms who have actually dealt w this will say.

Sita Tara's picture

then aren't married anymore. We have fun with this with Anna. She adores the boys' dad, but doesn't quite understand why we don't all live together all the time. When my exH (Ken) was working on remodeling our basement for us, Anna would shout, "Ken's HOME!" when he came over to work. DH just laughed. I'm sure it's a little uncomfortable for him on some level, but he knows I wasn't in love with my ex (married too young to understand all of that) so he just laughs about it. Although Anna has called Ken "Dad" because she hears my sons call him that and DH sort of nips THAT one in the bud right away. (DH is "Daddy" so maybe she thinks that those are part of their respective names.)

Why do you feel so strongly about unmarried BM's? I think it's commendable to not choose to marry JUST because you're pregnant. How many divorces would be eliminated if people didn't consider pregnancy a MUST marry situation?

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

Mrs Katch 22's picture

I don't know why I feel strongly about unmarried BM's. A long time ago, I probably could of ended up being a BM, but I knew I wasn't ready...so didn't follow through. I know I can't blame BM for choosing a different path, but it makes our life a hell of a lot different having her and SD in our lives...not to mention the financial/emotional/mental strain of being part of a blended family. She's lied about her income, fabricated stories...it's just not nice. Maybe I feel strongly about unmarried BM's because of how it's impacted my/our life with her stories, jealousy, greediness, etc. Yes, DH did propose to her because she was pregnant and she said she didn't want to get married just because she was pregnent..BUT, given that, one should stay firm with their decision and now go psycho when she found out he moved in with someone else...she still has feelings for him (she'd share this with family members) and I'd hear it because DH and BM's families talk. So, if she was a cool BM that didn't lie about income and kept jealousy out of the pic, maybe I wouldn't feel as strongly about unmarried BM's.

"How many divorces would be eliminated if people didn't consider pregnancy a MUST marry situation?" ---- veeerrry true.

On the flip side, how many unplanned pregnancies could be avoided if folks were more careful about contraception before getting married and starting a family when BOTH parties were ready? Then again, both parties can think they're ready at that point in time...but this is a topic that can go on and on and on Smile

bellacita's picture

changed my answer...lol!
honestly though, thought about it more...maybe just say that b4 u 2 met, DH was w BM and they had SS. but they realized they werent meant to be together and werent in love like 2 people should be. so they broke up and u 2 met!
sita...i agree that NOT marrying bc u are pregnant is commendable. i thank god every day that my FH didnt make that mistake the 2nd time around...he did w 1st wife bc he was trying to do the rite thing. but they already had a son and another on the way so i give them props for their efforts! i couldnt take it if BM2 was his wife...being SDs mom is more than i can handle!

Colorado Girl's picture

on a decision I made 13 years ago to keep a child that was born a month after my 18th birthday. I, too, have been accused of entrapment by the man who decided to walk out on me and his child all those years ago. This idea is as preposterous today as it was 13 years ago. As is the idea that someone will automatically be acceptable as a mother based on her marital status at the time of conception.

I have had to explain to my son that his brother is actually a "half" brother...but that this is just a technical term. I also know the ethnic origin of both my children and on a map, pointed out MY family origin and the origin of each of their respective fathers.

There was no name calling. There were no opinions given. I have explained to my oldest son just how MUCH he is loved. I don't dwell on a past that he had absolutely no control over or say in. Younger children tend to forgive their parents for their shortcomings...they lack the awareness to pass judgement on those people they adore. Your child could care less who your husband had sex with or where his sibling came from.

You seem to be worried about a useless piece of information that only you seem to care about. But I'm sure such ignorance will trickle down to your offspring and it's up to your child to accept the situation for what it is....

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

Mrs Katch 22's picture

right, for the child to accept the situation as is, but how would you explain why their sister/brother has diff parents? i guess you answered that by explaining the "half" sibling to your son - can you elaborate on how you explained it to him? i think that's what i'm looking for. i know SD understands the bm and sm side, i'm sure she's asked her mom why her dad and mom arent' together anymore....she's never asked dh why, but when our child asks "how come my sister has a different mommy?" that's where i'd be a a loss of words.

Colorado Girl's picture

So if your husband was married to the mother of his daughter...you could find the words?

It's technical. People can be in a relationship for a night, a year, a lifetime...they conceive a child all in the same way.

Draw a picture. Find a reference. (Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt come to mind)

You are making a simple subject into a dramatic event....Oh my gosh, what am I going to tell my child about BM's out of wedlock conception of my child's sister YEARS from now. I would think there would be so much more to worry about. Talk about focusing on the negative...even I, the unwed, teenage mother didn't worry this much about what I was to tell my unborn son.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

ColorMeGone2's picture

I haven't really had the question asked of me WHY the skids have a different mom. Once my kids understood that they shared a dad with their half-sibs, but not a mom, that was enough for them. They really haven't gotten into the whys and wherefores, only the who's who. But they do know that Daddy was married to SS and SD's mom, then they got a divorce, then he married me and we started a family. As to the WHY for all of that, only my BS10 has asked and I just explained to him about divorce and remarriage. Every now and then he has additional questions, which I answer as they come up, but you'd be surprised at how little they obsess over this when they are born into it. It's their "normal."

♥ Anne 8102, D/B/A Georgia ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

Sita Tara's picture

I guess I didn't answer your question about what I tell Anna. It's quite simple actually.

Ken is BS13 and BS 11's dad
Daddy and mommy are your mom and dad
SSister goes to see her mom every other weekend.

That last one will be hardest because BM will never come near Anna so she's just mom to her SSister in an abstract sense.

So here's the thing...I believe you answered your own question already-

"Normaly I'd say when a couple is in love and really care for each other, they make a baby...which is not always the case, but I'd like to teach my/our child that."

Why not just say that and keep it simple? Is it too hard to put it that way for you personally?

Oh- I'd also be careful about saying they made a "mistake" as was suggested above. That will be used against the SSib at some point and time for sure. And no child needs to hear they came from a mistake. Not to be too harsh, but that wording concerns me.

Anna is getting used to her sibs going away sometimes, she misses them a lot, but also enjoys the time with just us. I'm not that worried about explaining it to her. She will never know any different.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

luvdagirl's picture

I am not really thrilled for people having kids when they aren't ready but I do think we all have to be honest- none of us are a-sexual reproducers- our H were there too and just as responsible for precautions, as much as my DH hates to hear it.
I told our son that SD was from daddy, and the BM- before we met and as he gets older he does understand they are just human and things happen although he does say he wants to get married before he has kids- technically I was not married when I got pregnant with him but I also figured I was willing to do it alone if H wasn't ready for it yet.

There is no reason where logic does not exist

Mrs Katch 22's picture

for the responses. yes, I know it's years from now...or maybe someday SD will ask dh why him and her mom aren't together anymore, i dunno. it may seem petty to some, but these are questions you can't rule out being asked, so i was just curious as to how everyone else was responding and if they were asked the question(s)..and how it went. what if the question came up *now* with sd instead of bio-child.

in our situation, bm/dh were never married.

yeah, i was wondering about the "mistake" thing. after explaining all of that, they may just go away with "i was a mistake." if i were asked this question then, i think i would just say daddy had a baby with sd's mommy and things didn't work out. then, daddy met mommy and we had you and love you very much. like some said, kids don't ask for details. i'm not around kids very much, so i just didn't know how deep they'd ask the question. well, my younger cousin alway asks "why" then you give an ansewr then there will be another "why."

bellacita's picture

was the relationship w bm, hence the "at least we got your brother/sister out of it" can see where it got misinterpreted and sorry for that. thats also why i posted again w a different answer

Sita Tara's picture

I just know kids. They are so self absorbed that you have to be careful of your wording for such a delicate question. If the word mistake is used, then they will only hear that THEY are the mistake. I knew you didn't mean it that way Bella Smile

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

bellacita's picture

i know U knew that, bc u know me, well as much as we can know each other online! i just didnt want others thinking i think of some kids as mistakes, especially MY skids.

Wicked2Three's picture

How old is the bio child? Mine are 4 and 2 and know full well their brother and sister have a different mom. They don't question it because in theri short lives that it how it has always been. At this age they don't know what being married means. When that conversation comes up I will address it with mine as a separate issue. BTW, DH was married to the ex.

Don't take this the wrong way....please....are you wanting to feel like a better person because you and DH are married and they were not? Is the fact that they were not married just giving you another exuse to not like BM? I know I have looked at anything and everything about BM to use as an excuse to not like her or feel better than her.

Most Evil's picture

To me it is currently popular to act like having a child by yourself (without marrying the father) is empowering somehow and even preferable to responsibly practicing birth control until you know someone well enough to know how much time you want to spend with them and maybe even honoring yourself and your partner with a real legally binding commitment, despite any baggage, fears, etc. either of you have. I really hurt for the single mothers I know, they struggle to get thru every day as some of us can vouch!

If you cannot find a partner, are gay or something and still want to have a child or do protect yourself and have an accident or are done wrong somehow and somehow a child is born, that is different and not what I am talking about.

IMO the older I get the more I see the real benefits of doing things the 'old fashioned' way. To me it is not fair to the child! to bring a child into a relationship that is not stable or committed, as in marriage. Obviously things don't always work out (or we wouldn't be here on this site huh) but nowadays if you do try to actually consider and plan for and protect even your future child by waiting until you are married, you are considered 'backward' somehow??

There is a reason getting married has worked all this time, its for the best benefit of the child to have two parents committed to each other, even before a baby and not solely because of a baby. Its more stable for the child, ideally! just mine and quite a few other people's opinion, which they are entitled to! even if its not popular right now.

And re. celebrities who 'refuse' to get married 'just because they have children', I think it is really all about protecting their own hearts and/or money!

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin

Mrs Katch 22's picture

agreed, well said. I probably didn't state myself as well as you did. No, my intentions were not to feel like a better person because DH and I married before having a child. There are already enough excuses to not like BM Smile Bio or step, I believe either can be a good parental figure, but sometimes it gets messed up by the bio parent.

Bottom line, many years ago when I was young and not as careful with contraception, I could of had a child. I knew that I couldn't provide the child with what I wanted to provide him/her, so I chose to terminate the pregnancy. This debate can go on and on pro-life or not pro-life...

Now that I've accomplished what I set out to accomplish, perhaps I may or may not of been able to do that with a child to raise, but that's not the situation.....I got married and now my partner and I are both ready to have a child. In his case, he was 20 and got his girlfriend pregnant. He didn't want to have the child because he couldn't really foresee them together in the long run but he proposed to her anyways. She denied it, but I don't understand how they can have a child together knowing they weren't good for one another in the long run..but yet the child would forever bind them? I don't understand how one can choose to have a child with someone they're not totally committed to but yet be forever binding? I know this will generate a lot of opinions, but that's why I'm on this site...to also learn from other points of views.

Oh, bio child is due any day now Smile I guess I'm old fashioned when it comes to raising a child, but yet, I'm a stepmom, so I'm not totally old fashioned Smile I know the two leading causes of divorce are money and kids from previous relationships. It sounds ugly, but when you have stepkids, your resources are spread among more than your own offspring; which can cause bitterness and resentment. Yah yah yah, there's the whole "you knew what you were getting yourself into" story. I know a lot of folks here don't differentiate from step and bio kids...but there's still quite a bit that wish their stepkids/bio moms wouldn't take up so many resources (especially when they're manipulated).

Colorado Girl's picture

I don't think there is necessarily a right and wrong. (Unless based on one's religion)

Maybe aborting a child is wrong. Maybe having a child out of wedlock is wrong. Maybe laying down with a partner whom you have no future with is wrong.

I, too, believe in the nuclear family. I also think it is the best avenue to take when preparing to have children. I think all children need a mom and a dad. Statistically, a child has a better chance at being succesful with two parents highly involved in his or her life. I also think that the ideal situation would be to have both parents in the home working together at parenting the child. Sometimes life doesn't always work out that way.

Mrs. Katch 22, I took great offense to your generalization of those of us who chose differently than you and became unwed mothers. My oldest son is an imperfect little human being that was just meant to be. I also don't think your choice was wrong. I think it was what was best for you and I wholeheartedly respect that decision.

I also think your skid's BM has other issues than just the fact that she got pregnant before she was married. She is obviously lacking in morals but I think never being married to your husband is only incidental.

Anyways, we can agree to disagree.

I think your child will be perfectly fine and you'll figure out exactly what needs to be explained. Mothers have a funny way of just figuring these things out.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy...

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

sweetthing's picture

is how my DH jokingly refers to what we will tell our son when the time comes. We saw this on TV somewhere & were like hey.

The skids call me by my name but are careful not to do it infront of the baby & always say things like, there's mommy when refering to me around the baby. In turn he will call their mom by her first name when the time comes. My biggest fear is that he will repeat something he shouldn't hear that we may say about her. Remember the Wedding Singer when Adam Sandlers nephew goes up to the girl friend who dumped him & says " Your a bitch" Oh yeah, that would be just my luck. Smile

Sita Tara's picture

I just keep thinking about that term and all the ways it's been used to put women down throughout recent history. Now it's old fashioned because, like mentioned above, so many women are CHOOSING to not wed, if they want to be mom's and have no husband they do it anyway. I always thought that was admirable. However, with every positive there seems to be a price.

I saw one woman on Oprah who went a little too far and had embryos implanted when she couldn't conceive. Guess what? She had FOUR babies. Her family is furious with her because she can't take care of all of them and they have had to help her substantially, both with time and money since she can't work anymore. That was quite an interesting show, as I never thought about that happening before.

Then I think of my niece, 27, two young children, by two different guys, neither married her, waitressing to make ends meet. The last relationship did last for the past four years, but they just broke up, and not having been married she has no rights to anything. Sometimes I do think there's a benefit to doing it "the right way" marrying first, then working on that marriage before adding kids into it. Then your relationship with your child's father is established and committed before you have a child. But I have also seen some amazing single moms like CG, who made an error in judgement (usually because they were young and "invincible" at the time, and couldn't realize consequences would happen to them.) My niece is not one of those moms. She is cranky and unaffectionate a lot of the time. We believe her youngest son, now two, may be autistic. And though she will have help from the father, who is very committed, I wonder how long that will last given what I've read about the difficulty young men, even college educated men, have relating to their autistic sons.

My niece and her friends are what I call "serial" moms. They meet someone new and get pregnant early on. They don't marry the father. They break up. Then the pattern repeats for some reason, over and over. They don't learn the lesson of how tough single parenthood is, they rely too heavily on their parents. My mom just told me about my cousin's renter's daughter. (My cousin owns the duplex.) The daughter got pregnant very young, had and kept the baby and her mom stepped in to help out of love for her daughter and concern for her grandchild. Now not two years later, the daughter is pregnant with baby number two, different father who's abusive and had vandalized the duplex. The mother/grandmother had to finally tell her daughter- "You're on your own this time." And realizes that she should have done it the first time.

Our generation of women seem to be the last that thought through our life's lessons and made changes after challenges were brought our way. There is something sad about young women these days. They appear lost.

Now that I am a SM, I see my SD, 13, self-objectifying, focusing on attracting boys and young men, on trying to look older, obsessed with when and how she will lose her virginity, as though it's something to check off a list. I now find myself understanding why the feminists are upset with us. We are walking on the freedoms they fought so hard for, and young women, more so with each generation removed from the fight, are turning their noses up at the rights that were won, thinking that sex is empowering, and that they are entitled to do as they please consequences be damned.

Not to wax all poetic here, but I'm so disturbed by this I am beside myself. Never called myself a feminist, but now feel compelled to join them in the fight to save our young women.

Thanks for the soapbox, hope I didn't yell too loudly from it for this forum.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

Colorado Girl's picture

that made me think of this post MamaSita.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/25267735#25267735

A highschool in Mass. that had 17 girls get pregnant at the same time. They made a "pregnancy pact".

They are Sophomores.

Eek.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

Sita Tara's picture

Who were all pregnant together. I forget what show it was. They were very smug about the whole thing.

It's scary and so tough. What is the answer? I remember SD saying something off the cuff about how it wouldn't be so hard to have a baby as a teen (might have been when Britney's little sister, who delivered her baby this week, got pregnant.)
I honestly believe that risky sex in a teen is due to lack of self worth. When young women are focused on who they are becoming, and what they want to be, they don't make those kind of choices. In my opinion sex when your 14, 15,16, often happens because girls feel that they are lacking in love and see sex as a way to secure it, either with a boy, or a baby.

Unfortunately, they can't realize that what they are truly missing is self love, self worth. That can't come from a boy, a baby, or having sex.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

sweetthing's picture

Before I met DH & after I divorced my ex who didn't want children, my mother told me just go have a baby on your own.. you don't need to have a man ( except to get pregnant Smile ) So if you are almost 40 & self sufficient does that make you an unwed mother???

My cousin got pregnant at 14, they didin't get married but the dad was in the picture, her mom & family helped her raise her son she then got pregnant again about 4/5 years later with the same guy who was still her BF... they had twins. They lived together & then 2 years ago when the twins were 4 they had a huge wedding.

Now I have to say my cousin did it the hard way, but her kids are wonderful. They are well behaved & loved. IMO it is the end result that should be judged not the begining.

bellacita's picture

i dont necessarily or unilaterally think its better to be married and have kids then. i think there are tons of graet single moms out there who became single moms for a myriad of different reasons...my mom was one of them. the way she raised me after she decided to divorce my father was unbelieveable, and i dont think having my father around would have been a better situation for us. i dont have have a problem w not being married, or being in a relationship and having an accident. what i DO have a problem w is certain women who decide by themselves to have a child and lie to see that it happens. women who have children merely to trap a man, or to collect a paycheck. we all know this happens and has happened to some of our DHs. unfortunately, this is BM2 for me. BM1 got pregnant twice by accident and then my FH and her decided to do the rite thing and get married. they stayed together for years b4 she started cheating and woke up one day and decided she didnt want to be a wife and mother. so FH raised his boys. he always said he has kids, but never really had a family that he wanted and chose to have. (y'all can shoot me here)
now that we are together, we really want to have a family together...the way we love each other, we want to have a child out of that love. and i think its beautiful. will it be different than his other kids? yes, but we know that and dont need to tell them.

Tara12's picture

I grew up in a family of 5 where every one met someone, dated, got married and had kids. I was the youngest and had the same b/f for 4 years and at 17 (even though I was on the pill) got pregnant. We had always assumed that we would get married after high school so we figured things got a little backwards but it would be okay. WRONG. I had my son a mth after I turned 18 and his father disappointed me time and time again and was completely worthless so I dumped him. So just because someone is married it is okay for them to have kids. I know that is your opinion but I took offense to that as it makes it seem like someone like me is not worthy enough to have a child because i did not get married. Give me a break - i know a ton of people who have kids and hate each others guts but stay married for "the kids sake". Or there are a lot of brave women and men out there - who we read about every day on this site - that realize when things have gone in the crapper and have gotten the courage to get out of a bad situation. And trust me i wasn't try to "trap" anyone. You have probably gotten this opinion because of all the crap you have had to put up with the BM but all of us "unwed" mothers are not the same.

bellacita's picture

but i wasnt saying that at all...im not here to judge anyone...if u read all of my post the problem i have is w the women who do it for the reasons ive mentioned above. i specifically said i understand being in a relationship and having an accident. my first line said i dont necessarily or unilaterally think its better to be married and have kids then. i dont have that bad opinion of all unwed mothers...my best friend is one. i would never say that. and i wasnt saying that my kid will be better bc we will be married...i said it was the love that we have that will make it different.

Sita Tara's picture

Just waxing poetic about how the term has changed. As I said, I think there was a period of time, in my and surrounding generations, where women took responsibility for their actions and made profound changes after experiencing a challenge to the degree of raising a child alone.

I also think that in our culture it's gotten out of hand. Mothering a baby has become an entitlement, and many young women in their teens and twenties are seeing it as a sort of rite of passage for some reason.

That's what my soapbox rant was about. How to change the thinking of these young women, to WANT to wait until they can be the best moms and have support from a partner to raise their child.

I still think that most women who are older take it seriously. I think I have been greatly disturbed by the growing trend of teens having babies like it's a fun thing to do.

Sorry if I wasn't clear.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

Wicked2Three's picture

This subject remeinds me of something I heard a long time ago. Some divorced moms say they are single moms which is not true. Single moms are women that have never been married and the dad may or may not be involved. Divorced moms have been married and generally (but not always the case) have dad still in the picture to help.

I RARELY hear a divorced mom claim that she is anything but a SINGLE mom. Implying that she is doing everything by herself. This at least is the case for the BM in our situation. DH is very involved, goes to every sporting event and school function and some of the Dr. appointments. She still claims that she and the children were abandoned by DH. I don't consider living 2 miles away, attending everything, having the kids at our house a fair amount and paying $3,000 a month to be abandonment. Call me crazy!

sweetthing's picture

she loves to play the poor single mom card. They are at our house 4 days out of 5 & my husband has fed & fun them to practice & games 4 plus nights a week since mid April. Never once has she said thank you for feeding them or driving them while she is working her normal hours & just arriving at the games & then acting like she is mother of the year.

Throw in my DH also made sure their homework was done & picked up our baby & was taking care of him at the same time ( he is almost a year & has been teething this whole time so some days are trying)

Heck at this point if they were handing out tiaras for outstanding parenting they ought to give it to DH & not her.

Wicked2Three's picture

Bwaa haa haa! Just the visual! I think I'll get my husband a tiara! My DH really is good mom also.

When we first started living together he was still giving the kids a bath before taking back to BM on the nights they were only at our house a few hours. I said enough of that. It was too conveinent for her and she didn't even work or go to school at the time. She complained that it was too hard for her when they got home at 8pm and she still had to get them all bathed and ready for bed. These kids were 6, 11 and 13. I'm was not sure why they were taught to do anything for themsleves. Fastforward 5 years, still the same story, kids are not self suffiecient (in her home.) I wouldn't have that in mine.

bellacita's picture

BM wouldnt let her stay the nite but expected him to bathe her and get her ready for bed, even in the winter and send her out w a wet head! i said no way....this is not good for her. if her routine is bath then bed, it shud be done at BMs house. she was just too lazy. the kicker was if we werent able to bathe her that nite bc we were busy she would get so mad! ugh...what an ungrateful piece of...

Wicked2Three's picture

I hear ya! Wet hair in the winter is what sealed it for me.

The problem I have had is that the way BM explains it to the kids we ALWAYS turn out looking bad. I don't know how she does it. She has convinced them that we are complete idiots. Even when we try to defend ourselves with the kids (which we shouldn't do) we always hear (in a whiney tone) "buuuuut moooooommy saaaaaaid" I always want to yell back "I don't give a f*** what mommy said! She's a jerk!"

Oh phew, I think I'll compose myself and go bake some cookies.

bellacita's picture

one time she and i got into a huge fight when she came to get her. she asked if "her kid" had a bath. i said no and she said "great parenting" i slammed the door in the self-righteous bitch's face. great parenting??? to us??? dont even get me started...

Colorado Girl's picture

Married, Divorced, Single, Unwed, Widowed Mothers....Who gives a shit? The REAL title that anyone should be concerned with is are you a GOOD mom?????

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

sweetthing's picture

Last week I was interviewing a new daycare provider for my son ( ours is moving away..lots o tears as she is a wonderful woman who has taken such good care of my little guy and will be missed by both he & I ) I had met with one whose house was filthy & smelt like apoxy or some closely related chemical (OMG I was afraid to take off my shoes) and then I met with this awesome woman... clean house, loving intellegant woman with 20 years experience & a degree in child hood development.

Any ways I told her that raising Danny was the most important job I would ever have and that being his mom was my greatest gift.

I think being a good mom ( step or other wise) is the best that we can all hope for. At the end of the day I would rather be judged that my son was a good christian man and was happy & loving * caring than were all my customer's accounts up to date & shipped in full.

Sita Tara's picture

After my divorce I was a single mom. NOT a "divorced mother." That term sounds odd to me. I spent 6 years on my own, balancing working full time, putting myself through college, taking care of a mortgage and being present for my sons (albeit they were with me EO week, I was still their mom every day.) Sure I had help, but I don't imagine many single moms can do everything alone.

I don't like that term, "divorced mom" anymore than the term "unwed mother." To me that sounds a bit limiting, like it's labeling me as missing a man. I wasn't. I celebrated my singlehood. It was the first time in my life I didn't feel the need to have a man supporting me. And believe me...when I was alone for 6 years, I wasn't very often feeling like I was missing something by the lack of a man in my life.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

Mrs Katch 22's picture

i don't have anything against unwed mothers - i didn't mean to offend anyone, i'm sorry if i did. i know things happen and it's better to get out of the relationship than to stay in it for the sake of the children. my issue is solely based on interactions with bm. she's not struggling to make ends meet, yet she played the courts saying she makes minimum wage among a list of fabricated stuff - and she got away with it. if everything she told the courts were the truth, then i wouldn't hate her as much. it's a money issue. then, i guess that goes back to her getting pregnant in the first place. yes, i know she couldn't of gotten pregnant on her own...but i'd think that all this manipulation could of been avoided if she didn't have the kid; but whatever, what's done is done.

so question then...to a mother that didn't marry the father, would you tell your children in the future that they should finish school, get a good job, try to be financially stable, get married, then have a kid together? would you say anything at all? to just be happy before having a kid? i've heard from a few of my single mother friends tell their kids to not make the same mistake they made and to do the above....so i'm just curious as to if you'd say anything at all. with so much teenage pregnancies out there, what words of advice would you give your children? yah, i think that's the question i'm looking for and should of used that as the subject for this blog.

B's picture

I don't know if any of this will help, but when my SD was 4 DH was living with me and my biokids but we weren't married yet. One day she asked why he lived with me and why we slept in the same bed. I kept it really simple and told her that we are together because we love each other. And then came the what about my mommy question. 'what about my mommy, you love her too right?' DH didn't know what to say, but knows my way of saying things and asked me to answer. My answer was to let her know that her parents used to love each other and she came out of that love, but that sometimes grownups change and her BM stopped loving her Dad and they split up. I also told her that she had more people to love her now since my kids and I came in to the family. She was perfectly fine with my explanations and it hasn't come up again. I keep things simple, and keep them honest (within reason) and it seems to work.

As for advice about kids - my BD is 22 now and wants to have kids before she's 'old'. She's awesome with my 2yr old, knows the ropes with him and knows what motherhood entails. She would like to have her first around 25/26. My advice to her is to be sure she's ready, be sure she's happy (even if she's single), and to be sure she's in a good place mentally, physically, and financially. She's seen the bad side of realtionships from my divorce and from my DH's trials and tribulations. I've also told her that life is too short to be miserable, and that she doesn't have to settle for someone who will make her unhappy just to fulfill her dream of being a mommy. No matter what choices she makes down the road, I know she'll be a great Mom.

Mrs Katch 22's picture

looks like you've lived through both of my questions Smile SD 4 could of came back with "he used to love my mommy he can love her again right?" far fetched, but who knows what kids will say...I just don't want to be at a loss of words. I liked the way you worded it, thanks! Yah, when dh and I got married, we put a positive spin on the whole step thing...like more family means more presents, etc.

B's picture

I'm glad I could help a little. And you're right, we never know what kids will say. Just take things day by day. Smile

CplStv's picture

I AM AN "UNWED FATHER" I Lived With My Ex for FOUR YEARS, before Our BS was concieved, and Intended to Be Together "Forever"...it didn't work out that way, but We Still Co-Parent Our Son ! I Was Married before She and I met,(for 19 months) and it was 10 years after I threw my ExWife OUT OF MY HOME AND LIFE, before Our Divorce was Final...

"Marraige" is a State Of Mind, NOT A PIECE OF PAPER ! I was/am FAR More Commited To My Ex Old Lady(BS Mother) and Lis' than I EVER Was to My ExWife...

If I could/did have more Kids, I'd explain that I Loved His Mother, and We Had Him, BECAUSE We Loved Each Other, and Wanted Him, but things didn't work out between Us, so We Split Up, but We BOTH LOVE HIM...'nuff said. If/When Kids are Old Enough to handle more details, (ie "Birds and Bees" talk, He Is at that age now) then maybe go into more depth...Your Choice How Much and What Information, You are The Parent/s, They are KIDS...

Steve

Kids are the Best and Worst Things We can do to Ourselves. When We have nothing else worth living for, We'll go on, for Them, but Oh How We Miss Our Freedom...LOL

Tara12's picture

I am not here either to judge anyone but everyone is entitled to their opinion - but in my situation I was making a point that I could have been married but I chose not to because the guy was a loser but it seems that if you are married that is okay??? I'd rather be single than be with a deadbeat - kid or not! My FH's ex is nuts and she totally tried to trap him with the kid a long time ago and it blew up in her face but what does she care? She has a fat paycheck every mth for at least the next 4years. (they state they live in has CS til 19!)

Most Evil's picture

I too am worried about teen pregnancy because of SD17 and the trend now to have a child like someone said, as a rite of passage. I love all of you and know things happen and was trying to avoid jabbing anyone but just couldn't say it right.

A girl I know has a child and can barely make ends meet but she wants another child and I am just dumbfounded by this because she cannot provide for the one she has. I have known several girls that did just make their own family which is certainly an admirable feat to pull off but a harder life could not be found in my opinion. You also often see what they call a 'cycle of poverty' where the teen moms become 30 year old grandmothers and on and on and no one is married and the men can't live in the home because then they can't collect the welfare on the kids that supports them, then the kids have no male role model and it just continues. We see that all the time here.

As you may know, I do not have any bio children because well, like I said, and I didn't get married til I was almost 40, so I guess it just wasn't my thing. But many other people I know have made the old fashioned way work and their kids seem to be pretty doggone good, so anyway that was at least my goal even if it didn't work out for me in time. But I did not consider that yes, maybe you marry the wrong person or they change, etc. I was just trying to say, the ideal can still work and I am worried about people losing sight of that.

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin

Sita Tara's picture

The very thing that concerns me today. Historically, our culture has gone from having a baby without being married as a hushed secret sinful act, to being ok as an exception, to outright single woman family planning, to an entitlement for girls as young as 13. It's scary. I wish so much that young women today focused on something else to find their happiness, then a fairytale that becoming a mom while you're still a teen is the answer to unconditional love or emancipation into instant independence and adulthood.

I blogged like hell about this on my "real" world blog today. There's a really interesting show coming out next week called the "Baby Borrowers". Teens are given infants and toddlers to care for non-stop for a few days straight. From the previews the teens are very confident, almost cocky about how easy it will be. By the end it appears they have a distinct change of heart. Going to work then staying up all night with a colicky infant or puking toddler is likely the best birth control out there!

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

Catch22's picture

On the origianl topic, there were so many responses I didn't get through all of them. But my little take on this.

You don't need to discribe, married or not married to kids they will work all that out as they grow.

My unbelievably gorgeous 2 year old had a scenario like this:

At the age of 2, and just talking, he heard SS call DH Dad, Master 2 says to SS "that my daddy", I say and that is SS's Daddy too, you are his brother. (The term half brother is unheard in our house).

Master 2 points to me and says to SS "that you mummy?" to me. I say "no SS has another Mummy" Not sure what BS2 would think or say we were all in unchartered territory. BS2 seemed to process the information for a minute or 2 and then says "nother mumy". End of story.

When SS left that weekend he kisses little brother goodbye and BS2 says "you go to nother mummies?" LOL we all laughed and now BS2 says "we are picking up brother at nother mummy's!"

We have no need to discribe to him why the relatioship is or how it is. BS2 knows my other Bio son has another daddy and SS has another mummy, I am sure he doesn't know why but when he goes to bed and SS is here with my other son, BS2 walks into the room and shouts "G'nite My brothers", kisses them both and goes to bed. So cute and I love it that way Smile

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

Sita Tara's picture

BS's go to their Daddy Ken's half the time

SD goes away once in a while (Anna has no clue there's another mom yet.)

And Anna gets to stay here with her mommy and daddy ALL the time (which is just the way she likes it!) Though she has visited the boys at their dad and SM's once so the boys could watch her.

She was so excited to "Go to KEN's for BREAKFAST and see the BOYS now first!!!!!"

Catch I think you nailed it. There's no biggie to a 2 year old. No one thinks of Anna as "half" a sister. As a matter of fact BSs and SD call each other "brother" or "sister" and BSs call their siblings at their dad's "brother" or "sisters" as well. The only time Step comes in is for us parents.

SD also talks to BM about "my brother" this or that on the phone. I think that's pretty funny given what BM's said about them in the past to SD. Good for her for standing up for herself. BM needs to lose the ego. (NOT gonna happen.)

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

cj's picture

We struggle with this situation. DSS's mother is shacked up. They have two kids together. DSS has said to us several times that "marriage is just a piece of paper". We have told him that many people think that and they have a right to their opinion but that we do not believe it to be so. We then ask him "wouldn't you rather have a mom and dad who married and waited until they were ready to be parents before you were born". He agreed that he would prefer this. So we make the point that it is not fair to the children to play with fate like that. And make a strong point for birth control.