Can anyone relate or offer some help?
Hello everyone!
I am very happy I found this page, and am very hopeful someone out there can help me and offer some advice and guidance. Brief background -- I was married for 20 years and have 2 children from that marriage. I have a 12 year old daughter and a 10 year old son. My marriage ended many years ago and I reconnected with my high school sweetheart whom have always had a connection with. He was never married, but had a child with an ex girlfriend who was 12 years younger than us, and completely crazy. Truth be told, she told him she was on birth control and they had an extremely tumultuous relationship. At any rate, she wasn't on birth control and they have a 7 year old child together. They broke up about 3 years ago. When I reconnected with him they had the type of relationship where he had the child 5 days a week, and still paid her child support WELL over the guidelines. He never wanted to go to court to finalize anything and just kept her "at bay" so she wouldn't go crazy etc. When I came along that all changed. he was spending time with me, and didn't see his son all that often. He moved in with me and my children. When his son would visit it was complete tension. He was beyond over protective of his son and was constantly screaming at me and my kids to be quiet if his son was sleeping, or any little issue was turned into a crisis when his son was there. It was horrible. It is now over a year later, and he has realized his mistakes - and now apologizes and knows he was wrong. His son now visits every other weekend. However, it is still tension with us. We are trying to have a baby, and going thru a lot of infertility treatments. I can admit that I am very bitter that his son's mom just "lies" and gets pregnant - and I am dealing with hell. On top of it, if my husband has a bad day or whatnot, he brings everything up to do with his child. His guilt he takes out on me. Side note -- his child's mother would call/text daily my husband - even though she is engaged. His son is identical to his mother, spitting image. her and I do NOT get along.
There really is a lot more to this issue, but this is the nutshell version. Now, I am at the point where the only thing I say to the child is "hi" or "bye" when he is over. He plays with my son, and they get along great. My husband is amazing to my children and I appreciate that more than anything. But some of the biggest worst fights we have had were regarding his child, mainly because I haven't built a relationship with his son etc.
I just can't live this way anymore. My kids go with their dad every other weekend and home on off weekends. His son comes over to visit on those weekends as well but doesn't stay over. My husband will take him out alone for a few hours one of the days, and then the other day we are all together. My stomach turns at the thought of the next weekend he is there. I just can't help it. Can anyone help? I hope I gave enough information and this post makes sense.
I recommend finding a good
I recommend finding a good couple's therapist. I noticed that the pattern is that he is STILL blaming you for why things are the way it is. Until he starts empathize he with you and stop forcing his kid on you, it will only get worse. I recommend not trying for a kid with him until all of this is resolved. I get maybe you think he'll love the ours child as protectively as he loves his son but all it will do is throw another variable into an already chaotic situation.
He should go to court to get everything finalized, BM going crazy be damned. Otherwise you guys will always be at her mercy. I hope you realize the real issue is him, not his son. His son is only the outlet for his behavior, not the cause. He himself is the cause. Don't resent the kid because it's not him but his dad.
Therapy can rarely hurt...
Therapy can rarely hurt... have to piggy back on this reply. I have a SS21 and have been married to his father for ~5 years (together for 7+). We were supposed to have him part time starting at 15 which hastily changed to full time when he realized that there would be absolutely no rules, responsibility or consequences for poor behavior, temper tantrums, underage drinking, etc. in our house. No matter how uncomfortable all this behavior made me (according to my husband) I was always "jealous", "overreacting", or "didn't understand because I don't have children of my own. I couldn't STAND the kid for a long, long time.
Fast forward half a dozen years and the kid is now a respectful, smart, reliable and almost college graduate. We are tens of thousands of dollars in debt because of this but that's a whole 'nother story.
My point here is that the kid grew up but Dad barely has. So, my "pile on" message here is with not2sure... it's the Dad and it's not likely to get better before it gets worse.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your reply. he realizes it - and is the most amazing husband and step father 99% of the time. he went to court on my request and some days its the best thing that ever happened and others i am at fault. For the majority of the time he will tell me he loves me more than anything and never loved anyone or anything like he loves me and never knew what love was. She tricked him and its not right. I am very bitter at the whole situation. I am so sick of the my kid your kid etc. I love my husband but there is nothing like a "non blended" family. I am trying to not resent the kid, but its to the point I hate him and don't even know why. I literally hate him and feel horrible about it.
Please read this: he SAYS he
Please read this: he SAYS he loves you the majority of the time but sometimes going to court is YOUR fault? Girl, you're being taken for a fool and you're letting him do it.
As I said, the kid is not the problem, his dad is. The kid being there causes dad's terrible behavior to manifest so obviously to you it's the preceding factor as to why your husband is a douche. So what if he "recognizes" his behavior--unless he changes it, nothing will get better.
Seriously, please go to couple's therapy with him. This is a vicious cycle--the more dad blames you and picks fights with you about the kid and not blending with the SS, the more you will resent SS, the more your H will feel like you hate SS (which is now not far from the truth BECAUSE of his dad), the more you will hate SS for being there because if he wasn't, you think this ugly side of your H wouldn't have shown up.
Sorry honey, it'll just manifest itself in some other way and if it's not his son, it would be about something else.
I have to add that my husband
I have to add that my husband has tried so much to "move on" as he put it. Him and my two children are beyond close. I am the only one who isn't moving on is what I am told. But it is hard when I want nothing to do with his child because of how he has treated me in the past over it.
Re-read your original post.
Re-read your original post. Is this really a man you want to enter an equity life partnership with and share a BioKid with? He has proven himself to be an abject failure as a father ... his spawn and the whole situation are proof of that.
Take care of yourself and your children in all of this and consider the difficulty in conception as an indicator that this is NOT the right guy to be having a child with.
Inept parents don't suddenly become great parents. If there is no significant indication that he has gained and committed to the clarity of being a damned good father... save yourself, your current, and most importantly your future child the pain of spawning with this guy and allowing his suspect gene pool to invade your own.
Good luck. Take care of you.
^^this^^ OK so this guy
^^this^^
OK so this guy screams at you and your children, plays guilt games, and then apologises afterward. Sounds like a classic abuser.
He is "beyond close" with your kids? What the heck does that mean. Sounds like you are trying extra hard to,convince yourself he is an acceptable partner.
So you let him move in, bring his problem kid into your family life, and he still likes to chat with babymomma.
More like, he enjoys the centrality of having two women begging for his attention.
What on earth are you thinking will be solved by breeding with him?
Before you came along he had
Before you came along he had his son 5 days a week. "When I came along that all changed. he was spending time with me, and didn't see his son all that often. He moved in with me and my children." No wonder his son resents you and your DH.
This guy screamed at you? I
This guy screamed at you? I would have been done then.
I don't think I would want to have a child with a man who was so willing to push his other kid to the side either when he got a new relationship going.