BM's parents want to come for a visit
Just a little background: Bio mom is deceased, two years now. So her parents only contact with SD12 is through us.
So this week we get a call from them, asking if SD can come and stay the week of Easter with them. So DH asks SD if she wants to go spend the week with her grandparents. She says "No" because they're boring and don't let her watch tv or play video games or do anything fun. She doesn't want to spend her whole spring break at her grandparents place. So DH asks her "How about a couple of days?" She says "Okay. As long as I don't have to stay too long." DH then relays this to them, and... they don't like that. They want more time with her, so they decide to invite themselves to our house. Thankfully DH said he'd have to talk with me about it first.
I'm not sure if this is normal, or... if this is pushing some boundaries that we should set or what. I mean I get they want to spend more time with her, but... we don't really get along well with them. I mean last summer they wanted to send SD to vacation bible school--and when DH said no, they tried to emotionally manipulate SD into going. They also insulted DH"s sister and her family. I'm a little worried that if they do come and stay, we'll get into a fight. (And DH definitely has some places to go with a fight)
I mean on one hand, they haven't had much time to spend with her lately. I mean before BM died, they got plenty of time with her. But now... it's greatly reduced. I mean they've only seen her once since school started back in late August--and that was only for a couple of hours at New Years. The three kids we have together see their grandma (my mom) more often than they see SD.
On the other hand, like I said... I feel it maybe pushing the boundaries too much, and we shouldn't let them stay. It's up to DH how much time they get, and they should accept that. He could easily decide to give them NO time (and if they ever try to be emotionally manipulative again, he might just do it)
DH wants us to come to a decision together. I want to be fair both to SD and to the Grandparents (or at least as fair as possible) while still looking out for our own interests. I can't really think of any compromises that would work. I mean I thought about asking them if they could stay at a hotel, and then come and visit during the day, or SD could go and see them at their hotel. Is it unreasonable to expect them to accept the time we give them? Is it unreasonable for them to ask to come and stay with us for a week? It's just a strange situation, and I'm not sure what expectations should be.
Can they come but stay
Can they come but stay elsewhere? Surely they can see why it's a bit odd for them to expect to stay with you...
Or they just need to accept that they can have SD for 2 days over spring break and that's that. If they won't accept that, then they miss out.
Definitely pushing the
Definitely pushing the boundaries but because they fear being fully cut out, they are attempting to assert their dominance first. My MIL is like that. It is terribly unreasonable for them to demand staying at your house. They need to accept that SD is a teenager and she is going to want less and less time. Have DH convey that to them and be firm on the time. I know he probably feels guilty but trust me, you give an inch, they take a mile.
My MIL demanded BM pick her up from the airport and was VERY hurt that BM wouldn't let her stay at her house. Lady, you weren't even BM's MIL. She has no obligation to you and is kind enough to let you in her son's life! As much as I dislike BM, MIL was way out of line and I'm glad BM told her no. MIL lived through that disappointment but it was the first time I had a solid idea of how crazy MIL is/was going to be.
While some states do not have
While some states do not have grandparent visitation rights, I think your state does. Of course, the grandparents would have to court file and see their chances, but why?
The grandparents, I assume, do not mean stay with you in your home, but to come to your city and visit? Would it hurt for them to stay in a hotel and have some access to the child? A few hours a day, evening dinner out, a day around the pool? An overnight if it works out?
They haven't seen the kid since last summer. Dad has sole rights in education, religion and whatnot. He just need to tell the grandparents to back off as these type of decisions are his and his alone...but does it really hurt to allow some simple visiting without a CO?
GPs want to stay at OPs home.
GPs want to stay at OPs home. OP is saying they want to suggest the GPs stay at a hotel and take the kid out which I think is reasonable.
it is extremely rude for
it is extremely rude for anyone to invite themselves to your home. I can't possibly imagine how uncomfortable it would be. They can stay at a hotel or SD can go to their home for a weekend.
First of all, I would not
First of all, I would not allow a kid to talk about her grandparents like that. Have some respect, kid.
And have some compassion. They lost their daughter. No one expects to outlive a child. This girl is probably all they have left of her, in their eyes. She probably looks like her, at least in some small way and it gives them enormous comfort to see that.
If she's "bored" at her grandparents', it is not because the grands are boring but because the girl needs to expand her horizons. She needs to learn more about having fun.
I would counter-offer to the grandparents to send the girl for the original 2 days on Easter break and also another 2 day visit early summer.
If they are trying to influence the girl to their religion, it's probably a good idea to keep the visit short for that reason. But I think more frequent (not longer) access would be good for both sides.
Ring ring - Hey, ex-laws, how about kid comes the 12th and 13th and then again June 20/21? Wouldn't you like that?
Exlaws: We'd love that! But what about us coming there for the week?
dh: I'm afraid that just doesn't work for us. But I think it would be so nice if you could have her up there for a bit in the summer. Shall we book these two dates? Kid is all excited about it, I bought her a special journal and she's gonna interview you two about how you met and fell in love and make a record of it. Next visit she's gonna do the day her mother was born and what her mom's first word was. Let's make this happen!"
^^^Love this
^^^Love this approach.^^^
Seems like a teachable moment for all. SD needs to learn to appreciate her late mother's parents, and they need some healthy boundaries.
I hope you all can move forward in a positive way.
No, the GP's are definitely
No, the GP's are definitely pretty boring. Their idea of fun is reading a bible that has quizzes in it. (That's what they got her for her birthday a couple of years ago. Honestly, I found it a little creepy and so did DH). I can understand and empathize with her not wanting to spend a week with them. I do empathize with them for losing their daughter so young. But at the same time, I empathize with SD for losing her mom at such a young age, and we want her to have fun and enjoy herself. We don't want to cut them out of her life (though if they continue being borderline abusive with their emotional manipulation, then we will).
SD is only 12 and calling the
SD is only 12 and calling the shots? Oh hell NO - DH should start parenting and simply tell her, you are going to GRan for Easter, we drop you off at this date and we pick you up this date, over and done with.
Children do not decide , she's 12 dammit.... if you allow her now to decide what she wants to do and when, then wait till she's 16... and if she decides to call you a bitch, it would be fine, if she decided to get pregnant... what are you going to do.
Simply just NO... children do not decide, it's not like she's there every week-end, 5 days a year will not kill her
Just because my husband
Just because my husband doesn't make the decision YOU would make, doesn't mean that he isn't parenting. Your insinuation is out of line.
We let her decide, because she's the one with a connection to them. If it were DH's decision alone, he'd have said 'no', and not even offered to let them take her for two days. He has no reason to care about what they want--especially with how they treat SD sometimes.
Just because my husband
Just because my husband doesn't make the decision YOU would make, doesn't mean that he isn't parenting. Your insinuation is out of line.
We let her decide, because she's the one with a connection to them. If it were DH's decision alone, he'd have said 'no', and not even offered to let them take her for two days. He has no reason to care about what they want--especially with how they treat SD sometimes.
Easy fix, sd12 gets to spend
Easy fix, sd12 gets to spend the week with her grandparents. She'll survive and eat tons of peeps and have a great time.
I would be fine with this,
I would be fine with this, save for them sleeping in my home. That would be an instant deal breaker for me.
Please do not let a minor
Please do not let a minor make these types of decisions. It should be hey child you are going to your grandparents for a week. End of story. Someday the child will appreciate the fact that you made them spend some time with aging grandparents. Having them stay with you should be a no only because you are uncomfortable with it. They are not your family. They are not your SOs family. They are only the child's family. If they want to come have them stay at a hotel. It's very rude to invite yourself to stay at someone's home.
At 12 I would make her
At 12 I would make her go.
That's just me.
Haven't read other post but
Haven't read other post but This is just what I would do.
SD is old enough to decide if she wants to spend time with them or not. Now at her age I too would push her a bit for at least a couple of days, I think that is a fair compromise. BM's parents should take what they can get. They have no legal grounds, unless they want to go to court and even then a judge would probably ask SD. I would not have them in my home at all if they will just impose and cause trouble. I would just say, its either take the few days or not at all. If they really want to see her they will take the few days.