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New here with some questions

Kyle Busch Fan's picture

Just found this site and WOW....a place where I can vent or get help!! This is awesome. As I said, I just joined and have a couple questions. I have been married to a great man for just over 5 years. I found a keeper! He cooks, cleans, does laundry and dishes and even vacuumes!! With that being said, he has a daughter that will be 7 in June. We have her during the week and mom has her on the weekends. I love her to death but.....
I don't know where to point the finger at. She is well behaved for the most part when at our house. She leaves for the weekend and when she comes back, she is a totally different person. She doesn't listen. She has tantrums over the smallest things. She lies when we ask her things. She only wets the bed on occasion but for the first few days she is back its garanteed she will wet the bed and sometimes "forget" to go to the bathroom throughout the day. I know divorce can be difficult for a child but it's been 4 years.

As I said, I don't know where to put the blame. On mom or on her. I know mom presses her for information when she has her on the weekend. There was one night a few weeks back that she had to sleep on the pull out couch because I didn't have clean sheets for her bed. After pressing her for info, she told mom that she had to sleep on the couch because she had no sheets. All mom heard was I was forced to sleep on the couch with no blankets because I wet the bed which is NOT what happened at all. She called and starting going off on me until I told her to stfu and listen. I told her what really happened and to never call and accuse me of abusing her ever again and hung up. She didn't call back to apologize or anything.

At almost 7 years old, she knows the difference between right and wrong and knows how and when to go to the bathroom right??? I love her to death but it's getting rediculous having to wash her sheets AND clothes simply because she "forgets" to go to the bathroom during the day! Making her clean her mess isn't helping. Taking away movies and toys doesn't help. Talking to her does nothing. I can understand if to was something she can't help like medical or something but it isn't. She will wet herself and simply continue doing what she is doing and not care! I have to watch her and try not to let her on the furniture because of it.

Sorry for the long post. When I start venting, I can't stop. I anyone has gone through this before, please throw some ideas or suggestions my way. Thanks in advance!

Laura

stephm0219's picture

I would not blame anyone. SD is clearly showing signs of emotional damage. My 9 year old SD wets the bed every night. Its sooooo annoying but its NOT your place to criticize or blame. Tell your hubby to step up and clean up after his daughter. Its his daughter not yours. You can be supportive and assist him in raising her, but I assure you that if you pass the responsibility off onto your husband where it belongs, you will feel relieved. I used to clean up all my SD nasty pulls ups that stunk up her bathroom and wash her clothes and sheets. Now if there are no clean clothes or sheets for her, or if and when her bathroom trashcan is overflowing with dirty pull ups, I walk away. Its not my job to handle all of that.

Set some boundaries and enjoy your time with SD. Take her out, play with her, read to her, but let your husband handle the calls from mom and the clean ups and the discipline of your daughter when she acts up, lies and pees. Your main job there in your home is wife, NOT mother, she has a mother and you can be her friend and her mentor. This situation clearly has you stressed and upset, so walk away from the tasks that belong to the bio parents.

Kyle Busch Fan's picture

Thanks in my opinion, it's mom that is causing her to behave like that. There have been times where for one reason or another that she will not go to moms for the weekend and she will be GREAT and we will hardly have any problems. It's only when she leaves for the weekend. I don't really get stressed out over everything, more like frustrated. Your right, I do need to step back and let dad take care of it but, I care so much for her that if I have to clean up after her, I will. It makes it harder when mom is the one I believe is lacking as a parent. But at almost 7, she knows what she is doing is wrong.

We don't use pull ups here. I personally hated them when we used them when she was younger. To her, they were just special undies that she wore just incase she had an accident. They didn't really stop or prevent her from wetting the bed or pants because to her, they were big girl underwear. I don't know the situation there but at 9, do the pull ups not bother her either? I thought once they got older, that would be a little embarrassing. Even at almost 7, it doesn't bother her to wear them.

stephm0219's picture

MY SD doesnt care that she has to wear a pull up every night. She is lazy and yes it is a crutch totally, but its better than a smelly pee soaked mattress. Again, I do what I can for her, provide the pulls up, she has a bathroom in her room (my SD has the master bedroom) and still she pees every night. But its not my place to fix that. She has two parents that are in her life and that is their responsibility. My 6 year old son was potty trained at 2.

Again, it may be emotional stuff she is dealing with. Trying to stay a baby to get more attention, or something like that. Does she pee at moms house too? If so, then I would say its a real issue. If its only at your house, then yikes, her dad needs to step up and confront the situation and help his daughter function properly in the world. My SD isnt allowed to go or have sleep overs bc of this. She dosent want to anyway bc she is embarrassed and I feel horrible, but again, not my place to fix it.

Some kids just have different tolerances for being dirty. I also have to fight with her to take a shower and brush her hair. I gave up and let her dad handle and if she goes to school dirty smelling like pee, I am not accountable for that anymore. I tried for 3 years. Im done now. Time to focus on being a wife and bio mom to my kid.

Kyle Busch Fan's picture

I am assuming it's just a night time issue there when she wears a pull up? I agree, they would help preventing pee from saturating her mattress and collecting on her sheets. I don't know about there but in past experiences with them, even with the ones they make for the older kids, is that I feel they are just meant for potty training and not for full accidents. I hated them for that reason. Why spend the money on them if they don't do what they are supposed to do. I would have no problem buying them if the worked. She thought of them as normal big girl undies that were thicker. She never considered them as pull ups if that made sense. She would manage them by herself so to her, they weren't any different then her normal underwear.

I don't know if it's her trying to be a baby because she would act like that all the time correct? I love her dearly, I just don't live how she behaves the days after her weekend visits with mom. It is strange that she doesn't want to have a sleepover because she is embarrassed but she isn't embarrassed about the pull ups? Like I said, the pull ups didn't bother her either. Like yours, we have to tell her over and over again to take a bath or shower otherwise she would stay dirty and smell!

stephm0219's picture

Yes with us its mostly a night time issue. Although, her underwear has stains too from the day, but only a little. I can tell you that I buy the XL Goodnights and they hold about 2 lbs of urine. Her pulls ups are so heavy in the morning from all the pee. And on the weekends its even worse bc we sleep in and by the time we get up to her room in morning she is sitting in her bed with only a shirt and pull up on, soaked watching tv like its nothing. My son says stuff to her about it and she just doesnt care. I know she will grow out of it. Shes not going to college like this. Its frustrating, disgusting, and mind boggling, but I can only do what I can do for her. I cant force her to be potty trained. I can only lead her so far and then its really up to her parents, especially bc they share 50/50 custody and she has time with both of them equally. I told her the other morning when she refused to shower that kids dont want to hang around the smelly kid. And at 9, her body is going to start to go through changes and she needs to keep her private parts clean. That made her hop right in. I dont think her mom or my hubby have the guts to tell her she stinks and its NOT ok to continue to pee like this. They are afraid they will hurt her feelings, but her feelings are going to get hurt anyway when other notice it, so why not save her the embarrassment and force her to be clean? I have told my hubby over and over how awful her hygiene is. Her whole bathroom smells like amonia and pee bc she misses the trashcan sometimes and the pee leaks out of the fully saturated pull up onto the floor, and bath mats. Its awful. I used to bleach it everyday and wash her stuff and clean up after her. I cant do it anymore. Its not fair to ME. And I matter. And so do you! Again, all I can do is sit back now.

Kyle Busch Fan's picture

I never had to venture into those goodnites other than the 1 time I tried them. She just wasn't big enough and still isn't for them and she practically swam in them. I did have to keep myself from laughing but I remember the first time she put one on, it went to way past her belly button and she looked like the girl version or erkle! Lol. I can't believe what I read about her laying in bed in a wet pull up! She did the SAME thing and it would be overflowing. Put it this way, when she stood up, it would hang and droop almost to her knees! When I pointed to the bathroom, she walked past me and I kid you not, the pull up woukd swing back and forth when she walked because of how much she peed in it and it almost fell off! I have also busted her a few times peeing after waking up while I was getting her clothes for the day. I turned around and she was standing up looking into space peeing in the pull up right in front of me!!! I think that was the last pack I bought. She knows they aren't diapers so her wearing them doesn't bother at all.

Yes, there are times where her room smells and dad takes care of that when I mention it to him but typically, he is on top of it when he walks past her room. He also has the hygiene talk with her and tells her that she NEEDS to keep herself clean ALL the time.

stephm0219's picture

I would not blame anyone. SD is clearly showing signs of emotional damage. My 9 year old SD wets the bed every night. Its sooooo annoying but its NOT your place to criticize or blame. Tell your hubby to step up and clean up after his daughter. Its his daughter not yours. You can be supportive and assist him in raising her, but I assure you that if you pass the responsibility off onto your husband where it belongs, you will feel relieved. I used to clean up all my SD nasty pulls ups that stunk up her bathroom and wash her clothes and sheets. Now if there are no clean clothes or sheets for her, or if and when her bathroom trashcan is overflowing with dirty pull ups, I walk away. Its not my job to handle all of that.

Set some boundaries and enjoy your time with SD. Take her out, play with her, read to her, but let your husband handle the calls from mom and the clean ups and the discipline of your daughter when she acts up, lies and pees. Your main job there in your home is wife, NOT mother, she has a mother and you can be her friend and her mentor. This situation clearly has you stressed and upset, so walk away from the tasks that belong to the bio parents.

Ninji's picture

My SD pooped and peed her pants until she was 10/11 years old. Nothing we did helped and she, just like your SD, would just sit in it. I think she finally just grew out of it or got tired of being laughed at during school.

It was nasty and I got tired of putting my hand in SD's laundry and getting poop and pee on me. I finally said enough. DH refused to do it so I taught SD how to clean her own laundry at 8yrs old. If they can manipulate a game controller, they can turn a dial on a washer. Smile

Also, if we were in public and she was walking around with a load in her pants or piss running down her legs we left immediately. Only took a few times of that for DH to get frustrated and start stepping up to parent.

If I were you, I'd take a step back. Let DH deal with it or teach SD how.

Kyle Busch Fan's picture

Oh gosh!!! Pee is one thing but poop is another. I don't think I could deal with that, especially till 10 or 11 years old. I can relate to picking up her laundry and having my hands be wet and smelly. I almost threw up a few times. I can also relate to her wetting herself in public, more embarrassing for me than her. She will pretend like nothing happened and be surprised that she has wet pants when confronted. Those are the times, in public, that I wished she had been wearing a pull up or diaper. Like you, we have had to leave places because of it, mostly when shopping and I have to leave a full basket of groceries and leave the store.

Was she not bothered or embarrassed or irritated by any of it? I am curious to know what all you have tried before putting it all on her. I don't want her clothes mixed in with ours when doing laundry, I can start having her put ALL her wet things in a bucket next to the washer, then when the washer is available teach her how to wash. Her mattress needs to be replaced and I really want to wait to see if she stops first before buying one. I have mattress covers but still, why buy a new one only for her to ruin it!!

ESMOD's picture

My SD's were always a little out of sorts when they first showed up.

I think BM kind of made them feel guilty for wanting to go see their dad. Plus, houses have different rhythms. I don't think it's all that unusual.

I'm not sure if it is the BM necessarily doing anything, It could just be the constant flipping back and forth that has the kid a bit twisted up?

Kyle Busch Fan's picture

Yes, we both do laundry and don't pick and choose who's laundry we are going to do. I do her sheets and bedding in the morning after he leaves for work which I don't have a big problem with. I am going to have her start washing her own dirty things from now on.

I loved the transition suggestion!!! We are going to do that. It takes a good 3 days before she is back to her normal self. Dad does step up when he can but when she is at home and he is at work, I have to watch her like a hawk to keep her off the couch and remind her to go to the bathroom. Like others have mentioned with anxiety, but how can it not bother her to be in wet pants at her age? I try to plan things I need to do outside the house without her because of it.

When mom is questioned by dad, everything is hunky dorry there and she has no problems listening yadda yadda yadda. I don't think I believe that. Again, sorry for venting.

stephm0219's picture

Why cant her dad pay for her to go to daycare? Why is he dumping her on you? Even if it was only a couple hours a day so you can errands done. Daycare is great bc she will be with her peers and thus get even more exposure to other girls her age who use the bathroom regularly. She may get made fun of if she pees herself, but thats called a NATURAL consequence. Maybe thats what she needs to snap out of the bad habit. Maybe its truly emotional, in which case, again daycare and the associated activities and social exposure will help her through that as well.

I sense you feel obligated to care for her instead of WANTING to...

stephm0219's picture

Yes but she just said she has to watch her while her dad is at work. So after school, weekends and days off should be spent with bio mom or daycare.

Kyle Busch Fan's picture

The idea of day care has never come up and we have never disgusted it. I will certainly bring up that option with him and see what he thinks. We don't live paycheck to paycheck but we do budget so that will be a factor too.

I totally agree that having kids her own age finding out what she does will probably help with getting her to stop. She is in 1st grade and has never had an accident there. Probably for the same reason you mentioned. She doesn't want her friends to find out and be embarrassed.

I love her and want to help her, not because I feel I have to.

Kyle Busch Fan's picture

She can rationalize. She is very smart when she wants to be and has been on the A-B honor roll all year.

I do ask her if she knows why she has accidents and sometimes she will tell me the truth and say she tried to hold it because she didn't want to go right then. Other times she will simply shrug her shoulders and say she doesn't know. Other times she will say she forgot she had to go.

I have never told her that she is equal or acts like a 2 or 3 year old when she does that but, I have held my tongue and stopped myself telling her this behavior is how babies act and if she is a baby. I feel setting her straight like that would push her to be a big girl. I don't know if that's the right thing to do or the wrong thing but, something has to work itself into her stubborn head of hers.

Kyle Busch Fan's picture

I understand. You don't know how many times I have wanted to tell her that!! Not to put her down or ridicule her but to let her know that she IS acting like a baby or toddler and they don't get the things you get like big girl toys and such. I was thinking of it more like a consequence. If you do this, this happens. If you act like that, this happens. Your right, they are all just excuses. To me, she knows why so when she gives me a different excuse, it is a lie because she does no. When we are out and and she wets her pants there is no denying it and others can see. It doesn't phase her when she has an accident in public.

missmama1234's picture

I am in a similar situation as well.
We have SS10 full time and sees mom occasionally. Everytime we get him back he is different, not as bubbly, distant, quiet and sick!!

I used to blame BM but after reading stephm0219's response it put things into perspective..she's right, the child is emotionally damages and torn between two lifestyles/families.It's sad when you think about it Sad I guess the best we can do is just to be there to support your DH and SD with an open mind and heart. The more I blame and think anout BM the more frustrated and resentful I get because she gets to play disney mom while we do all the hard work..but we are the lucky ones because we get to spend more timenwoth our step child and we get to contribute to their development more..i hope we have more influence over them because we spend more time and do all the mom stuff... but i guess she will always be biomom and we have to prepare to come last lol

Acratopotes's picture

DH needs to teach his daughter - your house your rules, BM's house different rules....

Then I would suggest you block BM from ever contacting you, you do not need to talk to his woman, you did not get her pregnant, if BM has a problem she can take it up with DH... simply block her and ignore her... half of your stress will be gone.

Teach SD to do her own laundry,

Kyle Busch Fan's picture

Thanks everyone for all your suggestions. DH and I will be stint down tomorrow to discuss what needs to be done regarding sd. Once we come to an agreement, we will having a little talk with her to go over the new rules we will be putting in place. I don't want to have to resort to pull ups because they don't bother her at all but she isn't leaving me a choice. I don't want her to use them like a diaper which she did before. She knows they aren't diapers. I already told DH that any wet clothes of hers will be dealt with by him and I don't mind doing her laundry if there is no wet clothing in it.
We will be putting up a house rules and chore chart for her so she can maybe start earning an allowance. I know this won't be an over night fix but it's a start. I will be letting him know that if mom has any more problems or anything, she needs to talk to him NOT me.

still learning's picture

The key to dealing with bed wetting is not to punish or make a big deal out of it. Leave all emotion out of it, just be all business and have her change her bed and bring her sheets to the laundry. Same if she wets herself, have her change her clothes and bring them to the laundry.

Having a sticker chart or some kind of reward system where after so many dry nights she goes out for ice cream would be a positive way to reinforce good behavior.

About communication with BM, that should be entirely turned over to DH. He's her father and BM is her mother, they should be talking, not you.

Kyle Busch Fan's picture

Sorry for not updating everyone, I just now got back on. It said I had the wrong password for some reason. Anyways, dad had a long talk with her letting her know that what she is doing is unacceptable and that from now on she will be wearing diapers until she can show us that she can be a big girl and go to the bathroom when she has the urge to go. He has also taken all her electronics away until she starts acting her age. So right now, its all on her. When she decides to stop, she wont have to wear diapers anymore and she will get her electronics back. She was very surprised that dad finally put his foot down and said this is how its going to be from now on. I will say that the stress level has gone down a lot because there hasnt been any yelling or pleading or begging or shouting or anything!

Laura

ZNocturnalMe's picture

I don't have anything to add about the relationship aspect, but I wanted to suggest something to all the parents that are constantly changing sheets. They sell these absorbent, washable pads and they will save your life! lol I'm not kidding. They seriously work and work very well. They are extra large and will cover a large portion of their beds. Hospitals and nursing homes use them for patients with incontinence. Check Walgreens, CVS, or anywhere that sells incontinence pads. They aren't expensive either. Worth their weight in gold when you consider the constant washing and changing of the sheets. Smile

Kyle Busch Fan's picture

Thanks! I have pads that she sleeps on to protect the mattress. I also have one of those zippered covers for her mattress. Its the daytime "accidents" that I have a problem with. At her age, I dont call them accidents. She knows exactly what she is doing and knows right from wrong.

Laura

Kyle Busch Fan's picture

Update

I have been in a way better mood in the mornings the last week! It's wonderful to not have that stressed out feeling and not have to worry about a cranky child or deal with smelly pee soaked sheets. I can actually walk past her room and not have to hold my nose because of the smell! She is still mad at dad and I don't think I have seen her have a conversation with him longer than a minute since he made her wear them. Let's hope that motivates her in the right direction.

Acratopotes's picture

crossing my fingers that she will stop behaving this way....

and yes isn't it a nice feeling not actually caring about skids

Kyle Busch Fan's picture

It's great not having to deal with it anymore. Now I just try to ignore the whining from her tell dad that she isn't a baby and doesn't want to wear diapers. I told her last night that if she kept it up, I was going to give her a bottle and pacifier too! She shut right up! Lol. I pray I don't ever have to follow through with that for her sake! I will if I have to.

Kyle Busch Fan's picture

Its been a LONG time since I last posted and I thought I would share what has been happening here. SD's daytime issues seemed to resolved itself thank god. The night time is another story. We are nowhere close to seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. She is nowhere closer then where we were 6 months ago. I am waiting to see signs from her that she is bothered by it enough to want to want to stop. She hates it when we step in to tell her to go to the bathroom before bed or remind her not to have a drink past a certain time and she really hates it if we have to physically walk her to the bathroom before bed to make her try to go because she wont do it on her own but expects us to be like oh well no worries....not happening. DH moved her back into pull ups(which I hate because she pees right through them) at night to let her be somewhat responsible for her problem but like she does with everything else, forgets to put it on or take it off after going to bed or try to complain that its itchy and doesn't want to wear it. She says she is a big girl but constantly whines and complains and does that god awful baby talking when she doesn't get her way. Don't even get me started on her tantrums she throws almost on a daily basis over the smallest things. Sorry, I just needed somewhere to vent. Have a wonderful day everyone!

Solidshadow7's picture

I legitimately wet the bed until I was 16. I was not being difficult, I simply did not wake up when I had to go. My parents tried EVERYTHING. They cut of liquids two hours before bedtime, they got me a mat with a loud vibrating alarm that would go off as soon as it got the tiniest bit wet and I slept right through it. I wore adult diapers every night. They tried punishing me, they tried giving me a prize every time I had a dry night. They tried intentionally scheduling sending me to as many sleepovers as possible so I would be embarrassed because I had to wear a diaper at night. They tried waking me up every two hours throughout the night to ask if I had to pee. They would force me to drink a gallon of water and then not let me go to the bathroom for hours because they said I needed to stretch my bladder. They took me to all kinds of doctors and specialists and nobody had a good idea why this was happening. And yes, some of them said it was behavioral and I was just acting out. I was not acting out, I just didn't wake up when I had to go.

This was not pleasant for me. When I stayed with family or at friends houses they would make me sleep in places I didn't like because they didn't want me to wet their beds. My aunt made me sleep on the floor on a layer of trash bags when I came to visit. I hated it. Once when I was in junior high, I was about 13, and there was a class trip where we stayed in a cabin, and I had to sneak the diaper on after everyone else was asleep so they wouldn't know. And I fell asleep accidentally before putting it on because the other girls kept chatting and the teacher kept coming in to yell at us. I was on the top bunk of a bunk bed, and I woke up in the morning because the girl on the bed below me was screaming and screaming because I had peed and it was dripping through my mattress down onto her... I woke up covered in pee, still holding the unworn diaper with the girl underneath me screaming and screaming. And I had to deal with this in my soaked clothes while holding the telltale diaper in a large cabin in full view of around 50 girls from my middle school, where I was never popular to begin with.

I can say that because I regularly woke up in the morning in a soaked diaper, I did not find it aversive. Sometimes I would keep my diaper on in the mornings, and pee in it just because I was lazy and I figured it didn't make a difference. I mean, when you're almost constantly sitting in urine, wearing a wet diaper doesn't really bother you that much, you just kinda get used to it. I didn't pee when I wasn't wearing a diaper, but if I was already wearing one I honestly didn't see what the big deal was.
Eventually it just stopped. I started waking up to pee. But it took until I was an adult. Funny thing is, when I was still wetting the bed at 7 or 8 and my mom was completely at her wits end with it, suddenly my father finally admitted to her that he also wet the bed! Also until he was 16. He was just so embarrassed by it he had never told anyone, even when I started doing the same thing. Everyone thought I was just being a brat, and meanwhile the whole thing was genetic.

So, in regards to your SD- Yes, maybe she is emotionally damaged, sure. Or maybe she is just a bedwetter. Bedwetters do not have a problem with occasionally wetting themselves inappropriately out of laziness because urine doesn't bother them because they spend so much time sitting in it anyway. And yes, she can help the daytime issues even though they may not bother her, but if she is a bedwetter, there is absolutely nothing she can do about the nighttime issues. I did the same kinds of stuff as your SD and my parents were happily married at the time and I honestly had 0 control over it and nobody believed me. I had control over the daytime stuff, just like your SD does, but I personally did not see wearing a wet diaper around the house as a problem at the time.

There is a nasal spray they prescribed me at around age 13 or 14. I had to spray something in my nose every night, always in alternating nostrils, and it made me hold it in, and not wet the bed. My parents made me start using it every night after the junior high cabin incident, and it worked. Every few months or so, I might forget to take it, and I would wake up in the morning with the bed wet and a huge mess. The daytime stuff stopped because I didn't wear a diaper anymore so I wasn't always sitting in my own pee, and NOW sitting in pee started to bother me, even though it hadn't before. After a few years I realized that I would occasionally forget to take my nasal spray, and I would still wake up dry anyway. That's when we did an experiment and put me back in diapers for a while. (I was 16 at the time) But I never wet myself again. I grew out of it.

So while its possible that your SD is acting out, its also possible she is just a bedwetter. Its possible you never hear about it from the BM because the BM was a bedwetter herself, and she certainly isn't going to embarrass herself by telling you about it. My father did not tell my mother until they had a 9 year old girl who wandered around in her own pee all the time and my mother literally had me in therapy half the week because she thought it was emotional and I was doing it intentionally. And they were married! Look into that nasal spray, it stopped the nighttime stuff, which made me stop the daytime stuff on my own. If she's doing it intentionally the nasal spray won't work.

Kyle Busch Fan's picture

First off, I want to say that it must have been very hard for you at times having had that problem growing up. I can see a lot of similarities between yourself and SD WOW. I was surprised by the fact that you mentioned that it didn't really phase you to walk around in a diaper in the morning as SD does. Did you have the same feeling at 7-8 as you did when you were older about still wearing them in the morning or not bothering you that you had to wear a diaper in the first place? I am sure your mom tried to get you to stop doing that as well? For me, I feel and know she can try harder to stop. For instance going to the bathroom before bed or not sneaking drinks or not having a fit when woken up at night. I can say that I would jump at every opportunity I had that would possibly help me not to wet the bed if I were her age.
She hasn't gone on sleepovers or anything other than we stayed with family. DH has told me that he own pedi stated that she wouldn't recommend meds at her age. As I said, I know its still common at her age but I also know that she should be wanting to stay dry rather than having the whatever attitude and continue to sneak drinks or simply forget or refuse to go to the bathroom before bed.

Solidshadow7's picture

To answer your questions-

The diapers bothered me no more at 13 or even 16 than it did at 5. It was simply understood that I peed when I slept and I had to wear a diaper. This was the way my life had always been, so it was not weird for me. I did not have older siblings to tease me, and I did not tell my friends about my problem. The few friends that did know (sleepovers) were told by their parents (who my parents told) and received the information together with a lecture to not embarrass me by making a big deal out of my problem.
And my parents never made a big deal out of it, because they did not want to risk psychologically damaging me by drawing attention to a problem that I didn't seem to be able to control. So no, I did not realize this was an issue. I knew that it wasn't normal to still be wetting the bed, but I didn't realize it could be seen as a source of embarrassment at the time.

Wearing them in the morning did not bother me because I woke up in a diaper every morning, the same way I woke up in pajamas every morning. And there was no rule in my household that I had to immediately change out of my pajamas when I woke up. I viewed the diaper simply as part of my pajamas. Now, if my parents ever noticed that I had a full diaper, they would tell me to go take it off, but they usually didn't notice. I would get up hours before they did, so I might have watched TV in a full diaper for 3 hours on a Saturday morning before anyone was even up, and its not like if my parents checked to see if I was wet. I usually just took the diaper off whenever I got around to getting dressed, and yes, I would pee in it until then because it was convenient.

You said that at her age you would have been jumping on the opportunity to stop wetting the bed, but I can say from personal experience, the fact that I wet the bed did not bother me in the slightest. In order for me to care about changing it, I would need to be taught that it was a problem. And nobody taught me that it was a problem because nobody wanted to embarrass me. Even my friends who knew just treated it like if I had a disability for the most part, the same way you don't make fun of your blind friend when they accidentally walk into a wall. It's simply not done. Nobody ever said anything about it. Except for the cabin incident in junior high, and honestly most of those girls were so horrified they pretty much didn't say anything about it either, even after I soaked one of them in pee. It doesn't bother small children that they aren't potty trained yet, and it doesn't really bother larger children either. Children need to LEARN to be bothered by things. All fear is a learned behavior. So is being bothered by sitting in your own pee, and being bothered by the fact that you wet the bed in the first place.

I snuck drinks too. I was thirsty, and half the time I peed even when I didn't drink so I didn't see the point in suffering. If I peed at bedtime I still peed at night, so if I didn't have to go at bedtime I didn't see the point in forcing myself. I did the exact same things your SD does. I didn't really care about staying dry either, I had to throw my diaper out in the morning whether I used it or not.

Now that I think about it, I also got cranky about being woken up to pee at night, and here's why-- the reason why bedwetter's wet the bed in the first place is because some children are extremely deep sleepers. Children die in fires more frequently than adults not because they don't realize the danger or are incapable of getting out of the house. It's because sometimes they just don't wake up. Our brainwaves change a lot between the ages of 13 and 18, and that super deep sleep is part of what is lost. Most of the time I didn't REMEMBER that my mom had woke me up to go to the bathroom and I'd been a complete pain about it. I was half asleep. Or I slept in a bunk bed, and when my mom told me to get up I had no coordination because I was half asleep and fell down the ladder and twisted my ankle. Or she would wake me up to go, and I would do something awfully embarrassing that my parents did make fun of me for. Like the time I said okay, got out of bed, walked into the bathroom, threw my pajamas in the toilet and peed into the laundry basket. I didn't remember doing it, but you better believe I heard about it enough. Or the time I wouldn't get up at all and just whined, so my mom carried me, and while she was carrying me I peed on her. I was half asleep through all of it and usually didn't remember it, or remembered bits and pieces and glued them together later. I was basically functioning as a sleepwalker who could follow instructions during the majority of these night time wake ups to use the bathroom. If it was easy to wake me up and have me go to the bathroom, simply having to pee at night would have woken me up and none of this would have been necessary in the first place.

Look, assuming the girl actually wets the bed because of the way she sleeps, all you can do is wait for her to grow out of it. She gets a diaper every night, she must remove the diaper as soon as she wakes up, make this a rule. Literally have your DH check on her first thing in the morning to remind her to remove her diaper and tell her walking around in pee is gross and it smells. If the diaper leaks, she must change her own sheets. She must remove her diaper first thing in the morning because god forbid she accidentally leaks on your couch or on the carpet! You can even give her a good reason for it. Make her 100% responsible for all hygiene issues resulting directly or indirectly from her problem. It is HER problem, not yours. Beyond that, just ignore it. Withholding liquids and waking them up to pee is useless, and too much trouble for YOU to have to go through. And get her some nasal spray if she needs to sleep around other people. Or use the nasal spray to get her out of the habit of sitting in a wet diaper.

My parents really tried EVERYTHING and all it did was leave them aggravated and exhausted, pretty much like you sound. Also, my parents divorced, and I acquired a stepmother at 13. She was about as thrilled about my problem as you are about your SD's, but by that time my dad had figured it out it was genetic, I was not being a brat, and other than wait there was nothing that could be done about it, which was how it was introduced to my SM. So other than occasionally scream EWWWW because I left a wet diaper on the floor, and then yell at my dad about how he shouldn't allow me to do that, she really didn't feel like if she had to get involved with it. I promise, your SD will grow out of it. Just make it her responsibility, do not clean her sheets for her, do not allow her to wander around in a wet diaper ever, not even for a second, and just stop worrying about it. She will stop when she gets older. It is doubtful that anything else you can do will stop her, and it will only wear you out.

Kyle Busch Fan's picture

I have to say its strange talking to the older version of my SD! lol You basically described her personality to a tee. I do know that if I did know you personally, I would give you the biggest hug for having to go through the punishing and embarrassment as a child from your mom. I did add you as a friend on here if that helps.

In regards to waking her, yes she wouldn't fully awake but she never peed on me or in the laundry basket. Sorry, I do have to laugh at that one. Had she did do that, there is no way I would hop on Facebook or tell my friends or family members hey guess what SD did last night. That would be terribly embarrassing. I (we) try to stick to a bedtime routine with her but it is at times difficult to stick to. Sometimes we have late dinners and sometimes early. I don't like to fully cut her off of liquids but I do make an attempt to limit what and how much she drinks before bed. And your right, with her, it doesn't really make a difference if I limit her drinks, she still ends up wetting.

I would hate the idea of her thinking its OK to pee in the diaper when awake weather it be the night before or in the morning. I know you said it didn't bother you but did your parents know you did that? I know she cant help it if she is asleep and doing it but if she is fully awake, she should at least let one of us know or take it off if she needs to go. Were you aware that you did that or did you subconsciously do it because you knew you had a diaper on? I mean you wouldn't of done if if you weren't wearing one right? If DH doesn't say anything or check her in the morning, she would have no problem staying in one all day. She has gotten rashes in the past for not changing right away and that still didn't deter her from putting off changing.

I (we) will have to really stay on top of her as soon as we get up and make sure she takes it off. She would happily pop in a movie and lay on the couch and be so engrossed in the movie and not care about how icky that must feel on her. I simply pause or turn the movie off until she changes. We will just have to stay on top of her until she outgrows it or decides to take better care of herself.

Solidshadow7's picture

I don't remember if my parents knew I sat around in a wet diaper. Like I said, I think they told me to change when they saw me, but I was often awake for hours and hours wandering around the house before my parents even woke up.

I was fully aware of choosing to pee in the diaper when I was awake, it was not done subconsciously. The thought process was, "I don't feel like getting up right now, going to the bathroom, messing the with the diaper, seeing if I can get the adhesive to stick again, and I have to go. I'm wearing a diaper anyway, and a diaper is for peeing in, so its not like it matters, so I might as well just go."

I also got diaper rashes. I remember my dad still using desitin on me and I was probably a little older than your SD. My parents did lecture me about changing the diaper as soon as possible whenever that happened. And yes, I do remember the awkward conversation that eventually happened with my dad about why he couldn't put desitin on me (no longer appropriate) and I was going to have to start doing it myself which was probably the first time I started to realize I was too big to still be wearing diapers.

sunshinex's picture

I would rule out any potential sexual abuse or emotional troubles that could be causing it. I know people who wet the bed until 14 and just couldn't stop, mostly because of prior sexual abuse.

But if there's nothing you believe could be causing it, than I wouldn't make it into a power struggle. My SD had accidents until a few months ago and she's almost 6 years old. She kept having them, until I told DH to stop being so easy on her.

He would go into her room (she'd wake up crying about being wet in the middle of the night) and pull her out of bed, hand her different pants, and while she changed, he'd proceed to strip her bed, put new sheets on, then tuck her back in. I told him that wasn't going to help her cut the behaviour out.

We fixed it by making her entirely responsible for the situation. The morning after an accident, I told her that next accident, she will have to be responsible for cleaning it up and getting back to bed on her own. I told her it's not a punishment but it's HER body and her bodily fluids so it's her problem to deal with.

I showed her where the clean sheets were, gave her a basket to put the dirty ones along with her dirty clothes in, and told her she'd have to bring the basket of dirty sheets downstairs beside the washing machine, than make her bed/get changed on her own.

The night after showing her all of this, she woke up crying yelling for daddy. He simply went into her room and reminded her where the sheets were and what to do with them. He walked her through it because it was the first night with the new rules, but she did it all herself and stopped wetting the bed shortly after.

She hated having her sleep interrupted. When daddy took care of everything, she could easily stand there half asleep and put new pants on, than get back into bed and fall back asleep. Having to do the whole routine of cleaning up'remaking her bed herself woke her up a lot more so she didn't like it lol.