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How to deal with delicate issues?

LAMomma's picture

With the holidays approaching that means we get SD3 and SD6 for longer stretches of time besides every other weekend. SD6 has issues with wetting herself off and on while at our house. She typically either pees in her sleep every night or pees just enough to wet her panties and make herself reek. Sometimes she doesn't wet herself at night at all. She DOES NOT wipe usually when going to the bathroom during the day time hours or at night so this adds to the problem.

She stinks. I make sure they get baths every night because of this and most mornings she smells like old urine so she gets a clean up bath in the morning also. We've tried reminding her to wipe every time she goes to the bathroom but it doesn't seem to help. We've tried addressing it with BM but her response was "as far as she knows" she wipes at her home. She doesn't flush the toilet and there is no paper in the toilet after she comes out of the bathroom. She isn't wiping and kids don't suddenly stop wiping for every other weekend.

I'm tired of cleaning up piss from the bedding. I'm tired of fearing her sitting on our couch or furniture because last time she came where she sat smelled like urine long after she got up and moved. I had to scrub the couch afterward. Any suggestions on how to handle this? She's more open with me than her Dad. She won't usually tell him if she has an accident but will tell me and I clean it up and get her into the bath. I don't usually make a big deal out of any of it because I don't want to embarrass her but something has to give. I'm dreading washing bedding every single day again for the next week.

Cover1W's picture

I had the non-wiping issue with SDs when they were 7 and 9.
I took over the laundry of that household and figured out they weren't wearing underwear and they weren't using TP (they also never flushed a toilet and that was easy to figure out).

I discussed the issue with DP first and foremost. He apparently talked with them, but his follow up is abysmal. He DID however talk with BM about it which seemed to improve things. Basically for my SDs it was 1) they had not been taught by either parent to clean themselves (don't get me started on the lack of bathing issues on top of this one) and 2) laziness.

I was on them like crazy. I made sure DP bought them the right size underwear, which improved the underwear wearing.
And whenever I could for sure determine which one didn't use TP I'd talk with them. It was easy b/c we had one bathroom back then.

Older SD brushed it off and to this day I think she doesn't wear underwear regularly (she's now 12) but she does use TP.
SD9 now wears underwear all the time but doesn't always use TP (pure in a rush to get back to what she was doing).

SD12 is now bathing on her own for the most part. If she really stinks, I'll nicely tell her. She hates that but she needs to know.
SD9 bathes when told to do so, she's starting to get BO (almost 10) and with lack of wiping she just sometimes is ripe.

I found that being firm and consistent and never giving up was key.
I've backed off now that they are older, but I was all over that.
Didn't disengage from that one.

LAMomma's picture

SD6 says they don't take baths every night. If she stinks this bad at our house I can only imagine the smell at their Mom's. It's like she doesn't even realize she smells disgusting and is used to it. It makes me embarrassed for her because I'm sure she smells at school too and kids will eventually start picking on her. She is only in Kindergarten but kids are mean!

LAMomma's picture

I do laundry and her panties are always wet or tinged yellow from dried pee every day at bath time.

My husband is aware and like I said tried to address it with BM but he's a man and well it's not really his territory or something he's really familiar with.

SugarSpice's picture

this is just plain nauseating. someone has failed to teach the basics of hygiene.

at that age, they are started to get interested in boys. i would say, "what if some cute boy wanted to get close to you, and you smell like urine? he would run in the opposite direction once he smelled you. no one like a person with no hygiene."

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Good luck. PigPen13 still wets the bed. Every.Single.Night. No one makes him wear any type of incontinence pants. We have a plastic casing on his mattress AND an absorbant pad under the sheet.

LAMomma's picture

We did the plastic sheet too. Best $3 I ever spent.. That was after she ruined my son's mattress on his bed and we had to buy a new one because I couldn't get the pee smell out of it.

oneoffour's picture

Pull ups. Every night. And set up a pattern of behavior. She has to drink a glass of water with every meal. The rancid urine smell would not be just from peeing in your pants a few hours ago. It sounds like she has some infection going on. So first flush out her system with water and cranberry juice.

And every morning they get up there isn't any breakfast until they are bathed and clean. Hands must be washed. If she chooses not to wipe she gets to sit out for 10 minutes. Or buy her some cute baby wipes. At least she will smell better.

LAMomma's picture

Whether he's her bio parent or not he works a large portion of the time they are here. He can't wash linens while he is at work so thus it falls to me.

We only have the kids on weekends or holidays so no real chance to set up a Dr. appointment besides letting BM know what is going on. She's high conflict and won't even tell us their Dr's name or provide insurance cards if anything should happen.

SecondGeneration's picture

It sounds like its time to go back to basics with your SD6. Get her to try for a wee as soon as you guys get home, if theres leaks or stains then quick wash/shower, change of clothes and move on.

If theres a smell then sounds like shes got an infection or not drinking enough, so make sure to give her lots of water throughout the day to flush her system. Prompt her every 2-3 hours, does she need a wee? Everytime you are about to leave the house its time to try for another wee. Limit fluid intake an hour or two before bed time.

Get some night time pull ups or the Huggies bed mats (basically a matress nappy) we found the plastic sheets made SD sweaty when she was still toilet training.

At age 6 you dont really want to be having to assist them in the bathroom every time but if theres an issue it needs to be done, if your hubby isnt around then yes you will need to pop in the bathroom when shes in there and remind her to wipe. get some wet wipes to make it easier for her. But when dads at home then this needs to be on dad.

Consider taking her to the drs if the smell is particularly bad to rule out an infection. As for BM being high conflict, if his daughter is suffering with a health issue "BM being high conflict and not giving us the Drs details" will not fly. He has the ability and the power to arrange an appointment on his time and take his kid to a dr to make sure things are in order.

How is SD3 coming along with toilet training? Do you think it might be an attention thing?

LAMomma's picture

They don't drink juice or anything here.. We usually do milk or water, mostly water so that's a plus. We make sure they go to the bathroom before bed which helps cut down on night time accidents.

It's not an odor coming from her because when she is bathed and clean, she's fine. How is he supposed to arrange a Doctor appointment on his time when he works on all the days we have them but Sunday? We literally only get them every other weekend. We pick them up late Friday night, he works Saturday until 4pm and then we bring them home on Sunday.

SD3 is OK with potty training. Some days she is good and doesn't need to be prompted and then other days like yesterday I asked her if she needed to potty and she said no. I got them dressed to go like 10-15 mins later to my inlaws and within a min of her getting dressed she peed on herself. I thought we were over that but apparently not so now I've gone back to MAKING her go to the bathroom and pee.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

There are Urgent Care offices that are open on the weekends and nights. In my area it seems like there is one on every corner. Make sure you go to an Urgent Cared not a stand alone Emergency Room - those are super expensive.

If you can't get insurance info from BM - take SD and pay cash. Send the bill to BM. Depending on how the CO reads, file contempt charges if she won't pay the bill or provide insurance info.

It sounds like SD really should be seen by a doctor to rule out an infection.

SecondGeneration's picture

Milk and waters good. Oh and also does SD wear underwear to bed too? The only times SD5 has had night time accidents was when she was just wearing pjs with no underwear underneath, for some reason it seems to help her.

Personally if there was any concern that SD might have an infection, or if this problem has been going on for a long time then it should be a priority for him to want to get sorted out. Yes BM has them more, yes BM should take them to the Dr and maybe she has but clearly communication has broken down really badly and he doesnt know. He is still their father and he still has a right and a responsibility to check on those things. So either hes going to have to pay out for it or hes going to have to arrange this drs appointment on a day that he requests holiday from work.
We are pretty lucky here, our drs surgery is open late because alot of people these days have shift work so they try to work with that.

Ive never had to help with toilet training, SD5 was day-time toilet trained when I moved in when she was 2.5 years, there was a slight set back when custody changed over with night-time but BM was also really on the ball so didnt take long. It sounds like the BM might not be totally on the ball with them, which I can only begin to imagine how frustrating that is.

onthefence2's picture

It sounds like your sd is dealing with UTI's. My daughter started getting them on her 3rd birthday and they were off and on from then until about age 7. It took a while to figure out what was causing them, but I finally realized it was because she was holding it too long. I know you are probably thinking that she would know if she had one, because they HURT. But my daughter's never did. The very first one she had at 3, I only knew something was going on because she was completely potty trained, but would go pee, and then go pee 3-4 minutes later, and started "leaking." Because she didn't complain of pain, I kept dismissing it until I literally saw blood in her urine. Eventually, I could smell when she had one starting up because her pee would smell bad.

Your sd needs to start showering rather than taking a bath. It's the leading cause of UTI's. She also needs to drink only water and she needs to be made to go pee frequently. I would also get some CranActin Chewables, they work great.